My wife filed for divorce. I have done a 180. I was the idiot in the relationship, I guess I thought she would take it forever. I took her for granted and did not show appreciation for things she did. She was the giver I was the taker. Now the roles are reversed (see other posts). Her lawyer got a restarining order so now I can't talk to her or see her. To her I am being manipulative and obssessing. Well, those things stopped. Now shes having her lawyer hit me with all these court petitions. I told my lawyer to drag out divorce, because I know how I erred and want to try and reconcile. Her head is in the fog. She has closed up completely. I don't know how she can love me and talk all the time to nothing? Is there an answer? How do you get through when you can't communicate? We'll in Iowa once one spouse files the other spouse can have the judge force her into joint marriage counseling before decree is entered. Problem is divorce will be final at end of December or late January, depending if I drag it out. Is it worth the money to force her? There are so many things I want to say before it's over. I had a lot of hope, because sh's always been sensible, but this woman I don't even know now! Any input is appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife filed for divorce. I have done a 180. I was the idiot in the relationship, I guess I thought she would take it forever. I took her for granted and did not show appreciation for things she did. She was the giver I was the taker. Now the roles are reversed (see other posts). Her lawyer got a restarining order so now I can't talk to her or see her. To her I am being manipulative and obssessing. Well, those things stopped. Now shes having her lawyer hit me with all these court petitions. I told my lawyer to drag out divorce, because I know how I erred and want to try and reconcile. Her head is in the fog. She has closed up completely. I don't know how she can love me and talk all the time to nothing? Is there an answer? How do you get through when you can't communicate? We'll in Iowa once one spouse files the other spouse can have the judge force her into joint marriage counseling before decree is entered. Problem is divorce will be final at end of December or late January, depending if I drag it out. Is it worth the money to force her? There are so many things I want to say before it's over. I had a lot of hope, because sh's always been sensible, but this woman I don't even know now! Any input is appreciated. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are you trying to accomplish? If you want her to see you as a whole new you, you have to act like a whole new you. Your thwarting her expressed wishes by dragging out the divorce and forcing her to see you (in a counseling session) when she has made it very clear (via restraining order) that she does not want you anywhere near her are not going to make her say, "Wow! What was I thinking? I want this man back." It's more likely to make her think of fleeing to another state and changing her name.

If this is how your Giver acts, how does your Taker act? You are still in Taker mode here-you want your wife back. Furthermore, you want the wife you saw as "sensible" back (I.e, the one who let you walk all over her), not the new woman she has become (the one who knows how to take care of herself and protect herself from you). So how does that show respect for her point of view?

Look, I have been there. When I tossed my abusive X out on his ear and filed for divorce, he tried everything he could think of to get me back. Trouble was, everything he could think of was nowhere near close to everything I might have wanted, and he couldn't see that. I used to tell people I felt like I was being attacked by an industrious spider-every time I brushed off one web there'd be two more in its place. The results of his attempts to be nice to me and get me back were that I never had one regret about divorcing him.

I think counseling is worth the money, if you mean counseling for yourself, so you can figure out why you behaved the way you did and what a real 180 would mean. If you succeed in forcing her into counseling, I suspect she will see it as one more example of the controlling behavior she needs to get away from.

I do understand what you mean. I know the forced counseling is not a good idea. The judge allows you to do it, but I was only thinking at the end because this may be the only time I will get a chance to talk to her. She is a great person and I respect what she did. I wish I had found someone prior to this to tell me of these great resources. I wish she could see that I can go back to the man I was two years ago. The one she fell in love with 7 years ago. I think everday of the mistakes I made and how she gave to me and I pushed her further away. I pray everyday that God will intervene and she will see that there is a chance and that we haven't exhausted all means to rekindle our relationship. We never did any extensive joint counseling. What a mistake!