Hi All,

Please Help? I have not talked to my H in 3 months. H-55 Me - 50 Married 3 yrs, OW 25 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am comtemplating writing a letter. In reading other post I see some BS's can talk 'fogese' with their WS! Need dialogue that can cut through the fog!

Thanks,
relady

Go to A/B and find Orchid and Redhat. Orchid is queen of guerilla fogese right back at em and Redhat is awesome too. You need to go there and get some strategic stuff going on. We will listen here and we practice the a and b. But for real a b questions and to find those two people, go there!

They are good friends of mine. Wishing you well.

NPIG,

Thank you so much for your reply. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, I've been following all your posts and you're really good at it yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will definitely check out those posts and have my weapons ready!

relady

Hi relady
I would also do a "search" (one of the selections in the menu at top of this page)for "fog" under General Questions II. Orchid had a great thread on this a few months ago. But the search will give you hers and others too, on how to talk in "fogese".

Sometimes it's good to write a letter to help you understand how YOU feel. But you don't HAVE to send it. Make sure you're totally, 100% comfortable with it and the language (in fogese or English) before you hit the "send" button.

This is the only approach I have used with much success. Austin thinks when I do this that I am understanding him and hearing him. But you must be able to practice this in person and in email or letter. You have to get used to format.

Goes something like this: wS says: "I know that this D will help us to become friends. We were never friends before". You say: "Yes, you're right. We sure could work on that. That is a good thing, but I am in no way going to believe that this D is because of us not being good enough friends. I can't justify it. You know what is up. He says:There is just so much that was so wrong. You say: I understand. It is what it is. Then, you end in fogese and TOTALLY CHANGE THE SUBJECT AND THROW THEM OFF THEIR FEET. Say something like, "plus this whole D thing has really helped me understand that I have ignored ME for a change. How can I be a good friend to you if I am not a good friend to ME? I wish you could see what's happening with work/school/weightloss, etc. You might not even understand me anymore and IT IS WHAT IT IS. Maybe I have outgrown you. I don't know. This is hard. Oh, I've got to go. I am off to gym/out to dinner w/girls/movie/bible study for singles, etc.

Fog them with you being foggy like. You are not IN THE FOG because you do not ENABLE THEIR BEHAVIOR. You are UNDERSTANDING because you say, I really hear what you are saying, I understand and can appreciate your point, BUT.... Listen quietly before saying that. Be able to always have your but ready yet make that but short. Not too much emphasis on it will be a LB. We are not LB'ing. We are showing self growth and empathy and giving them INDIRECTLY WHAT THEY DO NOT WANT. We are doing the same to them they are doing to us except we are not committing adultery or lying or cheating.

My H gets wierded out. Even last Friday night, he called and commented "why aren't you out or on a date?". Then he calls me this friday morning at the crack of dawn because I have been in B now and yes, you can use this in B. But not too much small talk. He was trying to see if I was at home at 645 am. Or alone at that time. Sure I was, but he didn't know. Why? Because I agreed with him the previous day. Told him I wanted the D now and that I wanted to be free of this and I wanted to grow and taht we couldn't see each other and limit talks because it was impeding my growth and that it is what it is. Made him nuts. At that hour, he asks if I had been out all night. That was his guilt projecting onto me and it backfired.

It works but it is not therapy, it is not recovery. Can buy you time and make you seem just like them. Makes them nervous. You are becoming different. Especially if you are doing a good A plan. And makes them totally wierd if you are in B. They won't get it. And you have to consistently use it or it won't work. I don't talk to him unless it is for or about son b/c I am in B now. But I still used it on him during brief calls. Got him thinking. Maybe a little at least.

But he has a million miles to go and I am a million miles ahead right now. Not sure if there is real hope for D stopping but hoping that until the day arrives that I choose to date someone else again and get into a relationship should I divorce, that he get it togehter just in time or before all times runs out. It's running out as we speak.

Oh, I did this last time he came inside my home two weeks ago with son. He started talking about our "foggy new beginning." Poo about we needing to get this D finalized before we could start new beginning dating others and maybe dating each other again. I was almost laughing on the inside at his words. So I just stood there and smiled with him. Replied in agreement. "sure I think a new beginning is in order. That is such a good idea if we divorce. But I can't in my right mind think that our reasons for divorcing justify this new beginning. It is not right and IT IS WHAT IT IS. Then he said something like, "work happened and we did this or that." I again agreed with him. Just smiled, nodded and agreed. Then I said that "you know about that beginning, we will have it one way or another and I am so different now that you may not at all know me. So either way we get that new beginning. It is a good idea. Plus with my involvement now as head of my state society, and my working out, I feel like a new woman. Dating after divorce would be interesting. Hey, I would be single and it is what it is. I am almost late for aerobics. Am so happy to see you and glad you came inside for a change."

He then smiled and thanked me saying that this was the best conversation we have had in so long (?) and that he was hoping to talk to me soon. He then sent me a very kind email the next day. Then he went off on a business trip/pleasure trip wreaking havoc on the west coast. Not sure if he was alone on trip b/c fog rolled in heavier and thick upon his return and his insistence that D come NOW descended upon him. So I pack bigger weapons in my battle. Agree with him so strongly and give him his arguement but then take it on my terms and tell him I want the D now! I can't take this poop any longer and I want to be single. Declare my independence. Tell him I want to be free of his affair and that some guy will be dying to meet me in a few months and I can't wait until I get to go on romantic trips one day, except I will be able to do it without stress, guilt from lying, and peace from knowing I am not ripping someone's family apart. Big LB I know, but it was HIM HEARING HIS OWN WORDS BACK AT HIM. Then I went into full B. Next day he is calling me three times including the am call and is "supposedly all about our son". Including the am call and the innuendo about my staying out all night when I stayed in and ordered sushi?

Not therapy at all. Not reconciliation. But a way for me to feel better about myself. He doesn't think I am queenB anymore by the way.

Avondale and NPIG,

Thank you,

Thank you both for your replys. I have already Started to read the threads by Orchid and RedHat, there is quite a few. Makes for great Weekend reading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You two are fortunate to at least be in contact with your H. Since we have no children, it makes it difficult. I'm not quite sure when and if I will hear from mine. It's been 3 months. I haven't put a time limit on it, but I will write the letter soon.

NPIG, what you said is so true, I know I'm a different person and could never accept things the way they were and he may never get an opportunity to see that. That, for me is the hardest part, knowing that I may very well be divorced without ever being able to correct things. But, it is what it is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I LIKE THAT!

Please, God just a little revenge with 'fogese' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

relady