muzohead,
Your post has intrigued me, and I have a few thoughts that I'd like to share...BUT I will warn you that I am a BS, not a WS. So throw that grain of salt in with what I am about to say...
You asked:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>...from a WS point of view, what really stands in the way of your considering going back to your spouse? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there are several things that intertwine. First, I think there is a matter of ego. To be blunt, it takes a TON of guts to admit to yourself and to another human being that you have made a HUGE mistake. Now, it is my experience that very few will actually SAY that it was a mistake or apologize for the nuclear bomb they have set off, but the mere act of coming back and wanting to move back home are indicators that they know it was wrong. Unfortunately, I have seen time after time after time when a WS will obviously be in a no-win situation, but rather than admit that they were wrong and that leaving their family and marriage was a mistake, they will defend themselves TO THE DEATH. Thus, I'd say one of the biggest things that stands in the way of WS's returning to their spouses is having to swallow their pride and admit they made a mistake.
Second, I think most WS's go outside of their marriage precisely because their emotional needs are not being met and the lovebusters are abounding. Most of the time that's a very simplified version, but that's it. Their spouse nags and yells and finds everything wrong with them...and the other person praises and laughs and thinks they are smart and funny and attractive. Soooo...going back to their spouse often represents going back to the the same old way of being unappreciated and mistreated. Even when the BS says they have changed and goes to great lengths to SHOW that the changes are for real, often the WS will "test" the changes and not really believe it. Thus, in a summary, a WS might view going back to the old spouse as going back to the same old patterns with no changes. Who would want to go back to that? Now they are finally free! (hurl)
Thirdly, in a word, I think there is guilt. On some level or another, WS's know that they are hurting their spouse and breaking up their family and damaging the very ones they are supposed to love...all in the name of "true love." So, if they were to admit that they made a mistake and they were to take the risk of going back to the same old patterns, there's still the problem of feeling guilty for what they have done. Now, I have to confess, I have not seen too many WS's who truly understand the pain they have caused to their spouse--they just don't know how much damage it does--but most do feel some level of guilt and shame over their behavior. It's most often manifested by saying stuff like, "I wish you'd just GET OVER IT" or "Do we have to talk about that AGAIN?" or "You should be over that by now!"
This intertwines with a BS's ability to forgive...not forget, but forgive and look to the present and future. God this is hard! But this is two things that really do need to work together: the WS has got to be a little sensitive to the damage done to the BS and help suppor them to get through it...but the BS has got to get through it, work it out, and let it go. Oh, you don't "forget" but you can move on into the future, you know?
And the final thing I think that stands in the way of WS's returning to their spouses is not an easy pill for the BS to swallow. It is when a BS acts as if they were a perfectly innocent victim and does not take responsibility for the way that they were involved in creating this mess. I think when a BS can verbalize that they were part of the problem and contributed to the poor relationship, it is helpful to a WS. But when a BS just CAN NOT (or will not) see the ways in which they pushed their partner away--when a BS blames only the WS for all of the marital troubles and for the affair and for everything else...well, that pretty much stops a WS in their tracks. If a BS can look at themselves and see the ways in which they were involved...AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...I think that is a start.
But even then, it still will not "guarantee" that the WS will come back. I have known plenty of BS's who were shocked and angry at first, but then took an honest inventory of themselves and started to work on themselves--but for some reason their WS's were too deep into their fantasy world to come out of it.
So there are my thoughts: pride, "same ol' same ol'", guilt/forgiveness, and lack of the BS admitting their side--I think these are the most common things that stop WS's from returning to their spouses.
CJ
