First I must apologize for venting here but I am really interested to hear others opinions on this matter. I am in the military and returned home from an extended overseas deployment about two weeks ago. Instead of being greeted with hugs and kisses my wife greeted me with "I'm leaving you". That's hard enough news anyway but it was especially hard just returning home. While I was away she made a new friend and he was over every timed I called my wife and daughter. I didn't think anything of it because I had total faith in my wife, you have to in the military. Well since I have been home she has compared me to him numerous times, they have went out a few times, he got sick so she had to go to town to take care of him, she just leaves at the drop of a hat for him. My daughter is really upset because she never gets to see her Mom anymore, either she is at school or her Mom is out with this guy. I have also found phone bills where he was making calls from our house from between 630am and 9am while I was away. My wife has swore they haven't slept together but that is hard to swallow. She can't give me a reason for leaving me. She says I was a good husband and father but she just wants to be on her own, which makes this even harder for me for some reason. I have begged her to seek counseling with me numerous times but she wants no part of it, she just wants out. I went to see a lawyer and he basically laughed at me when I asked about my chances of getting custody of my daughter. He said I would have to prove my wife or her new boyfriend unsafe for my daughter. He also told me the military have a disadvantage in getting custody anyway because of deployments. To make matters even worse she is entitled to a percentage of my retirement that I have sacrificed so much to earn. Now here's my question. Shouldn't there me some sort of special law in effect that states whenever one spouce is deployed defending this country and the spouse that is at home cheats he or she sacrifices the usual divorce rights? How is it fair that a military member is sent to remote parts of the world while the spouse stays home and plays with absolutely no consinquences? I considered myself to be a real good husband and father and remained faithful and true but now I will be losing my daughter because the wife couldn't do the same. I have seen this happen over and over in my years in the military but it never really hit home until now. What is your opinion on this? Thanks in advance for your input.

I have had a lot of experience in observing what you are going thru. I spent a lot of time in the military. Without exception, every divorce that I saw was the W leaving the H. The service member is definitely at a disadavantage. When she says she needs to be on her own for a while, there is more to it than that.
What you need is to get a good lawyer, so shop around for one. This is just to be educated about all your rights. Remember, fifty percent of lawyers graduated in the bottom half of their class. Depending on your winning attitude, you can effect the final outcome of your situation. Either thru MB or court.
State laws vary in how retirement may be divided.
It's amazing how they don't need you but definitely need your money. They don't need anything else but that. Yes, it is unfair that on deployments you are at a disadvantage but as soon as you recognize that the divorce legal system is an assembly line business then you can move on with what you need to do. And this will take time.
For those of you who think this is a MB site, and I agree, this individual is in a tough predicament calling for different measures. Think of how you would feel if you had no choice in being gone for six months.
By the way, thank you for your service.

I considered myself to be a real good husband and father and remained faithful and true but now I will be losing my daughter because the wife couldn't do the same.
Just because the lawyer is an idiot doesn't mean you won't get custody.

make matters even worse she is entitled to a percentage of my retirement that I have sacrificed so much to earn.
Again, just because she is entitled to it doesn't mean she will get it. The federal govt has decided that the states can rule on division of military retirement. If it comes to an actual divorce, find a lawyer who knows military divorce laws and had done military divorces before.

For those of you who think this is a MB site, and I agree, this individual is in a tough predicament calling for different measures
Uh, this is a Marriage Builders site.

In what way does he need to do things "different?"

Think of how you would feel if you had no choice in being gone for six months.
He does have a choice of being gone or not.

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Originally posted by Chris (CA123):

Uh, this is a Marriage Builders site.

In what way does he need to do things "different?"

Reply - The MB "pat" answer will be to apply plan A and B and read tons of books. He doesn't have time for this. He does not have the luxury of being around 24/7.

Think of how you would feel if you had no choice in being gone for six months.
He does have a choice of being gone or not.

Reply - Unless you have been there, you would not understand. You don't just quit the military.

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Okieman ]</small>

The MB "pat" answer will be to apply plan A and B and read tons of books. He doesn't have time for this. He does not have the luxury of being around 24/7.
Sure, everything is more difficult, but why can't he Plan A?

Unless you have been there, you would not understand. You don't just quit the military.

Having been in the military for 21 years, I understand absolutely. If he gets an assignemtn, he does have the option to "just quit."

Also, he can file for an assignment deferment based on the divorce/child custody.

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Thank you guys for your input, I really appreciate it. I will talk to a different lawyers for sure but from what I've been told California is a no fault state so adultry does not matter when it comes to custody. And yes I will fight her getting my retirement. As far as just quitting the military goes I've put to many years in to it now, not to mention I love my job. I've only got 9 more years to retirement and I'm only 29. I would hate to throw that away to fight to keep someone who doesn't love me, but if I had known when I started I would end up loosing my daughter over it I would of never reenlisted. I have been doing lots of reading on this site as well as others and have found lots of good information and am so hopefully some of it helps but she is pretty set on this. Thank you again for your help.

How old are you, your wife and your child?
How long have you been married?
How long have you been in the military?

I’ll chime in here. I grew up a military brat, was in for 4 years and have always been around the military all my life. Recently I’ve been helping a friend get her divorce from her retired military husband. My mother is the widow of a retired army officer. So I’ll include some of the resources I’ve found useful.

In all the years I’ve been around the military I’ve seen plenty of divorces and infidelity by both the spouse and the military member.

For those of you who think this is a MB site, and I agree, this individual is in a tough predicament calling for different measures. Think of how you would feel if you had no choice in being gone for six months.

ksguy73, people like you, my husband, Okieman, all of the men in my family, many others and me who have served their country deserve to be respected. This is the Marriage Building site. There is no reason why you cannot try to recover your marriage using the MB principles as many others, myself included, have done. There is no reason why you should not try if you want to keep your family together. Statistically there is only a 2% chance that this affair has to lead to divorce.

Since you had no choice to be away for 6 months, there are laws that prohibited you from your wife filing while you were deployed. Now you are home and can deal with it. What your wife is doing it terrible. As is what all of our WS’s have done.

Reply - The MB "pat" answer will be to apply plan A and B and read tons of books. He doesn't have time for this. He does not have the luxury of being around 24/7.

Think of how you would feel if you had no choice in being gone for six months.
He does have a choice of being gone or not.

Reply - Unless you have been there, you would not understand. You don't just quit the military.

Ksguy is no longer deployed. He now has a window to work on his marriage. The MB material can work for him too. I have been deployed, I do understand. But when a person makes this kind of commitment they are agreeing to take certain types of risks with there families. Ksguy, you have a tough choice to make here. It may be your career or you family or at least your child. Many of us have to make that decision at one time or another. It’s tough but it’s life.

There are reasons why military members have a problem getting custody when the spouse is not military. How does a single military member handle it when they are deployed? You cannot take the child with you. Typically, a military single parent has to give another person custody of the child while being deployed. Sometimes they are gone for months at a time. This makes it almost impossible to give child stability. They will also assume that since you have been deployed for a while, your wife has been the child’s primary care giver. They are not likely to take a child away from her primary care giver.

If you are going to stay in the military, then fight for at least 50/50 legal custody and some combination of shared physical custody. Do not look at this as and either her or you thing. Your child needs both parents.. Work to keep both of you in the child’s life.

If you want primary custody and are willing to fight for it tooth and nail, then I suggest that you get out of the military. I know that’s a hard choice but one you might need to make. If you really want to be a part of your daughter’s life and you want custody, that is probably the only thing that will work.

If you are interested in recovering your marriage, there is an interesting twist on joint custody… in the states where most custody is granted 50/50 the divorce rate has gone down significantly. In your case, I’m sure your wife assumes that she is getting custody. If she thinks she is going get less then she expected custody wise, she is more likely to start working on marital recovery with you.

Are you now back in the same city she lives in for a while? If so get your attorney to set up an interim custody arrangement right now so that you can start establishing a status quo and a bond with your child.

In any case, stall the divorce to give yourself time to establish a child visitation schedule that is to your benefit. There are tons of things that can be done to drag a divorce out for weeks and months, heck even years.

You say that she leaves the child with someone while she goes out. Who does she leave the child with? As the father, you have the first right to taking care of the child. Have your attorney put that in a temporary time-sharing agreement. The courts will always rather have a parent care for a child then someone else. If she is really all that wound up in her affair, you may end up having your child most of the time.

My youngest brother went through something similar when he was in the military. He got out and did what I suggested above. He’s had 50/50 physical and legal custody since then. His daughter stared college this year.

You may want to interview more attorneys to see if you can find one who is more optimistic and will fight for you.

Now, don’t get upset with me for the next part.. it’s something I feel strongly about and want to get you to think about.

The military is very hard on marriages. If you have read the MB concepts you know that it takes approximately 15 hours a week of one-on-one time to build a healthy marital relationship. This cannot be done when one spouse is deployed all the time. In this day and age, infidelity on the part of both spouses during deployment is not unusual. It’s a bummer. It does not make it hurt any less. But it’s a reality. If you want to change something, help change the military’s attitude toward marriage. Help the military realize that it needs to help military members keep their families together. So often a young woman with children is left alone for months on end with no one to help her. Many, many young women cannot handle this.

make matters even worse she is entitled to a percentage of my retirement that I have sacrificed so much to earn.

I’ve seen this same argument on military divorce support sites. I don’t understand why military people think their retirement is any different that the retirement of civilians. Almost the entire country now has no fault divorce laws. The federal government is not about to put in place a set of divorce laws that contradict the sates. We all work for our retirements. When we get a divorce our retirements are split with our spouses. Have you ever read the marriage contract in the state you were married in or the state you reside in? Most people don’t. Most people do not even realize that they are signing a contact when they get married. This contract tells how you will basically work out property and custody issues if a divorce occurs. More then likely the contract stated that all assets acquired during the marriage are community property. Yes military members try to tap dance around it and say it is not property, but it is.

There is a formula for figuring out the percentage of your retirement she is entitled to. It’s based on the number of years you have been in and the number of those years you were married. If she gets a good attorney who understands military law, the amount she get is pretty much automatic. It is not something you have a lot of control over. The courts will not sanction her for her infidelity. Again life sucks.

If she has any sort of retirement, you are entitled to a percentage of that retirement too. I’ve seen couples just agree that each keeps their own retirement because there is no gain in splitting them.

Shouldn't there me some sort of special law in effect that states whenever one spouse is deployed defending this country and the spouse that is at home cheats he or she sacrifices the usual divorce rights?

The idea about loosing all if the non-military member cheats will not fly. States and the federal government are moving more and more away from legislating morality. We have basically a no-fault divorce system in most states. It is very hard to prove that someone is cheating.. a few phones bills are only a few phone bills.

And if this law were in place, should not the reverse be in place. You know as well as I do that many military members (male and female) cheat on their spouses or use the services of prostitutes when they are away from home for extended periods of time. What about a loyal wife, like my friends Sally, who spends her life raising this man’s children on military pay. She often has to get a job as well to help support the children. By doing this she is helping defend the country.. because she is taking care of his family. If he cheats and leaves her in a lurch, should he then forfeit his usual divorce rights?

Life is not fair. It often just down right stinks. That is why we have laws and contracts in place. When you married and entered the military, these rules and laws were in place. I know that you did not expect your wife to cheat. No one ever does. I know that no one in the military amply warned you that this was very likely to happen. But these are the laws and agreements you entered into when you signed the marriage and the military contracts.

I can tell you, I would be hard pressed to advise any young lady I care about to be a military wife (or young man to be a military husband) if the Uniformed Services Former Spouses' Protection Act were not in place. I know many military widows who gave up careers to follow their husbands around the world and raise children often by themselves for months on end. Most have ended up living their old age in poverty because they were not able to build up their own retirement and they got nothing of their husband’s retirement. That’s the thanks they got for being a military wife. Being a military wife is far more demanding then a normal, civilian married life.

The reverse is true. How fair is it that a military spouse stays behind and raises children with no father (or mother). And all the while the military member (not all of course) is playing around with absolutely no consequences.

but now I will be losing my daughter because the wife couldn't do the same. I have seen this happen over and over in my years in the military but it never really hit home until now. What is your opinion on this? Thanks in advance for your input.

No you do not have to totally loose your daughter. Even as a civilian each of you would probably get 50/50.

Pick your fights wisely. You are not going to change the laws. Get as good a financial settlement as you can. The fight to have your child as much as possible.

To tell you the truth I don’t think that changes are needed in the military divorce system. Only recently have military spouses been able to get squat as in a divorce. A woman, like my friend, who spends her life being a wife to a military member could not get anything to help her raise their children.

Here is my friends story.

Here are some web sites that I am using.
http://www.americanretirees.com/book.htm

http://www.militarydivorceonline.com/

http://www.divorcenet.com/military/military.html

http://usmilitary.about.com/cs/divorce/

http://www.smartdivorce.com/military.htm

I will follow up with a few points and then leave it at that.
KSguy73 is in a position that is not favorable toward him, ie, the divorce laws are tilted toward women especially when it comes to children. His current status in the military places him under unusual and numerous constraints whereas his WS is free to do whatever she chooses. And she is doing that.
Sure he is not deployed now. But when we go wheels up into Iraq, things will be different.
Now he must weigh what he invested in the military vs leaving to try and fix his marriage. His WS is already convinced and leaving. Just to be on her own. Yeah, right. The military has always been good to me. It was not hard for me to decide at one point - WS or outstanding career? You bet I decided on the career.
Getting a child 50/50 is not the same as getting one all the time. You eventually end up with less. Go for all of it.
Big time changes are needed in the military divorce system. A spouse can basically hang around for ten years, do nothing, absolutely nothing, and then get part of a retirement that was acquired thru blood, sweat and sacrifice. The greater risk was absolutely with the miliary member.
I don't know if being away prohibits any divorce proceedings. I have not seen that before. So what? Will that still prevent his WS from seeing the OP? I think he is more concerned with protecting his child and I would be too.
Do MB principles work? Probably. Maybe. Is it worth it? That's up to KSGUY73. Me personally - I don't believe in hanging around waiting on someone to see the light. I like myself just enough.

Now he must weigh what he invested in the military vs leaving to try and fix his marriage.

Or perhaps the choice is between the military and having some reasonable relationship with his child. Some of us make that choice. I gave up a very lucrative business to ensure that I’d be able to take care of my son after the divorce. Was it worth it? You’d better believe it. That is a choice he must make.

Getting a child 50/50 is not the same as getting one all the time. You eventually end up with less. Go for all of it.

Nether parent should get ‘it all’. His child and all children need both parents. It would be cruel to his daughter to totally take her away from the one person who has always been her primary care giver. Children are better off with keeping some sort of relationship even with a ‘bad’ parent except in the most extreme cases. This has been proven over and over. If he gets deployed again, how on earth would he carry out “all of it” custody? He cannot put the child on a shelf until he gets back. 50/50 legal custody and some split close to 50/50 physical custody is the best arrangement for the children. Custody is not about which parent owns the children. It’s about how the children are going to keep both parents in their lives. Look there is no doubt that his wife is acting badly. My ex-h acted just as badly for 20 years. But in the end it was my son’s best interest that had to prevail. For me, it would have been better if my ex was gone out of both our lives… well better until my son suffered the usual problems a child does when he/she is abandoned by one parent.

How do you propose that a single military member, who can be deployed at any time, raise a child by themselves? What do you propose he do with his child while he is gone for months on end? He cannot take the children with him. The child cannot live on her own. This is a reality that he has to deal with.

Big time changes are needed in the military divorce system. A spouse can basically hang around for ten years, do nothing, absolutely nothing, and then get part of a retirement that was acquired thru blood, sweat and sacrifice. The greater risk was absolutely with the military member.

This is exactly the same as it is in civilian life. We all acquire our retirements through blood, sweat and sacrifice. There is no difference. If the military puts with a spouse who does nothing, absolutely nothing for 10 years then that is some co-dependency going on there. And what do you call ‘doing nothing’? The greater risk is not with the military member. I just don’t see why that is so. The military member has rights to any assets that the non-member brings in too.

I don't know if being away prohibits any divorce proceedings. I have not seen that before. So what? Will that still prevent his WS from seeing the OP?

The law exists. What it does is protect the military member until they are in a position to handle the situation, at least legally. No it does not stop the affair. A military member who is thousands of miles away can do little to prevent an affair or rebuild their marriage. The spouse of a military member is in the same boat. Is it more tragic if the spouse has then affair then if the military member does? I don’t think so.

I think he is more concerned with protecting his child and I would be too.
At this point that should be his primary concern. He will not be able to do this if he is deployable. He cannot take care of a child as a single parent if he leaves again. That is a simple fact of life.

Changing military law may help him not have to share community property with his spouse. But how will it help him raise a child by himself? It will not. If the military can come up with a solution for that, then they should take the same resources and use them to help military families remain viable instead.

Do MB principles work? Probably. Maybe. Is it worth it? That's up to KSGUY73. Me personally - I don't believe in hanging around waiting on someone to see the light. I like myself just enough.

I agree with you on this. I would not have stayed with my current H one moment if he had continued in his affairs after I discovered them. But sometimes staying and working things out is about keeping a family together. Sometimes a person still loves their spouse. When a couple is separated so much, as can happen in the military, both spouses loose their connection. That is to be expected. So it may be true that he has little desire to go on. That’s his choice.

I feel badly for the position he is in. Major life cisis often force us to make decisions that we do not want to make. That is the reality of life.

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by zorweb:

How do you propose that a single military member, who can be deployed at any time, raise a child by themselves?

I have seen it done countless times. It can be done. She can move anytime, anyplace if she gets the child. Why can't he have that option for once?

What do you propose he do with his child while he is gone for months on end?

Let the child stay with the mother (even though she is hardly around now)and upon his return he gets the custody again. In your words - That is the reality of life.

And what do you call ‘doing nothing’?

I mean literally nothing. The military member can sometimes be the little inconvenience that comes with the paycheck.

He cannot take care of a child as a single parent if he leaves again.

You don't know that. His family may be able to help.

The greater risk is not with the military member.

Well, I beg to differ. There is the risk of getting shot, killed, injured, sick, diseased, etc, etc. And that's in peacetime training as well as conflict. Please, give me a break.

I have seen it done countless times. It can be done. She can move anytime, anyplace if she gets the child. Why can't he have that option for once?

It’s not the moving around that is of concern. It’s the deployments when the military will require him to sign custody over to someone for that term. And when he will not be able to be there.

Let the child stay with the mother (even though she is hardly around now)and upon his return he gets the custody again. In your words - That is the reality of life.

Precisely what I am talking about. Joint custody.

I mean literally nothing. The military member can sometimes be the little inconvenience that comes with the paycheck.[ /b]

So the spouse does not take care of the child? Keep house? Perhaps work a job? If military members feel that anything that their spouse does while they are away to take care of the children (hence family) is nothing, no wonder they don’t feel appreciated. She was doing something (not just having an affair). If a military member feels that their spouse is doing ‘nothing’ then they have the option of divorcing them before so much time goes by.

[b]You don't know that. His family may be able to help.

His family is not him. You suggest that he take custody of the child and then pass her off when he’s not around. Or that then suddenly leaving her with mom is OK. This makes no sense at all. Sure if mom totally abandons the child then he has to deal with it. But as long as she is involved she has rights too. That is reality.

Well, I beg to differ. There is the risk of getting shot, killed, injured, sick, diseased, etc, etc. And that's in peacetime training as well as conflict. Please, give me a break. .

Yes the risk of being injured is greater for the military member. That is a risk they accept in joining the military. They cannot then hold it over the heads of their families as a price. Let’s face it, most military members never see one minute of real action. The chances of being injured are in peacetime training is there but is very low.

We all took that risk at one time or another when we joined. I was not talking about the physical risk. I was talking about the marital risk and the risk of jointly sharing custody and assets in accordance with the laws.

If military members want to say that they have no responsibility for their families because they put their lives on the line, then fine. But then the laws will be changed and potential spouses will know that they once again have no rights, just as the camp followers of old days did. Until sometime in the 1960-1970’s military spouses were even called ‘camp followers’ and assumed to have to rights.

I feel for this guy, but there are realities in his situation that he simply has to deal with.

Chris (CA123),

In your post you stated...

He does have a choice of being gone or not

This is a statement that I have a hard time with. My late husband was a 25 year veteran. 2 tours of Vietnam and 3 hardship tours. While I was not married to him other than the last 5 years of his military career... I know enough that you just dont QUIT the military. Someone please correct me if I am wrong though. Once you are inducted they can send you where THEY want. It doesn't matter if you want to go or not. When you reenlist, it is for a certain amount of time. You are obligated for that certain amount of time unless you file for some type of hardship discharge. Of course, there are always your medical discharges and the dishonorable discharges. You just don't show up and say...You know what...I QUIT! (unless you want the ramifications that follow).
It is very hard on military families. But, that is something that comes with being in the military. You get orders for deployment or change of duty station and "I am not going" is NOT an option. When it comes time to reenlist is the time that you QUIT. Not just some blue mooned Sunday. Military life can take its toll on a marriage but the families have to make major changes and adjustments.

Now, just a random thought...

What if the poster was female and the military member? Surely people do not think that she would have to give up her child simply because she was always under the threat of deployment. He is male and he is a Military person, being in the military does not mean that it would be in the best interest of a child to NOT be with him. While I agree that sometimes a child cannot accompany a service member (such as deployment and hardship tours) it should never be a given that the child HAS to be subjected to a less than stable life with a parent that is neglectful. Certain times a family member will need to step in and help and there is no shame in that. My late husband had custody of his teenaged son because his exwife did not want him. There was never a doubt that his son would accompany him. A little extra planning and thought had to go into it. When he was sent overseas his Grandmother cared for him until his father could send for him; problem solved.

I did not post to make any waves, I simply wanted to insert my 2 cents. If I am wrong and off target here, please forgive the intrusion on the thread.

As Always,
committed

P.S. ksguy, I also want to add my thanks to you for the sacrifice you have made to serve the United States. It is not simply a job, it is a way of life and a sacrifice that I recognize.

I was married 17 yrs 9 months, there is a Act passed that states if your wife was M to you for 10 yrs she is entitle to half, but it is up to the state to divide if under 20 yrs. It is divided as property not spousal support. we lived in Al. my husband was going to give me half but the judge who was his dad friend said NO. I put X through college, quit reserves for him, stayed home to be with his only son. I had to divide CDs that were from the sale of my home before the M. X got caught with MOW while working as cop & had to leave dept. X could sign it over but wont, OW is now controling his life & she needs the money because of her life style. Im starting over my new life thanks to him over at 48 yrs old. Both me & our 13 yr old son will be on public assistance if we dont get half. I have had to have 2 operations, one more needed. X is engaged or M to OW & makes $42,000. I get $490 child support the spousal support will end in Feb. thats $333. X wonders why his son told him he hated him & wouldnt see him anymore. We will be going to the Al appeals court next month. Go to navy legal & ask them for help. Ask for paperwork on spousal protection act that tells you about dividing military retirment. They should be able to tell you if your wife is entitle to half. Of the 17 yrs 9 months I was M, it only counts as 14 yrs toward the retirement. It takes 10 yrs. to be able to ask for half.

m-17 yrs. 9 months. 12 days
H-43 W-48
C-13, 29, 7 grd
d-5-02

ow-30
c-3 under 10
d-7-02
m-10 yrs

Thanks again for all the responses. To answer some of the questions, I am 29, wife is 26, and my daughter is 5. We have been married 7 1/2 years and I have been in the military 11 years. She is not entitled to 50% of my retirement but she is entitled to an unknown lesser percentage, lawyer didn't know the percentage. I do not have a choice when I deploy, unless I volunteer to go somewhere. I personally always waited for my number to come up for deployments as I didn't like leaving the wife alone to have to deal with everything. Never complained about deployments just didn't volunteer. I totally agree that there are just as many unfaithful military members as there are spouses during deployments. The law I was referring to would go both ways because I do believe the spouse that's left behind is also serving his/her country. They might not be directly in harms way but they do sacrifice plenty. I can't just quite the military either, my current enlistment isn't up until 2005. I would have to have an extreme circumstance to get out early and that is next to impossible these days with everything going on in the world.
I think venting here and hearing your opinions really helped. For the first time since I've been back me and the wife had a good talk. I was calm, not crying or begging or mad because I knew she was lying, and she stopped lying to me. She admitted the thing with this guy and for the first time she told me it was the military life that drove her to it. She couldn't handle all the deployments and he was there when she needed someone. She is still not interested in working it out with me because she would still be a military spouse if that happened. I don't forgive this guy for taking advantage of the situation at all but oddly I lost a lot of resentment towards my wife when she finally just told the truth. It was a serious breakthrough for me, I can't tell you how much better I feel. We sat down and wrote everything down last night and as of right now custody will be 50/50 legally and physically I will get her every other Christmas and when she is not in school during the summer. I can deal with that arrangement, it's better than fighting and possibly getting a lot less. She admitted she knew she was neglecting our daughter because she was kind of nervous being around me with what she had done, she said that would change now that we talked. She is not seeking my retirement and we will split everything else right down the middle. I really hope that we can keep this friendly and it works out this way, I think the custody thing would be great for my daughter as long as her mom goes back to being her "old self" with her. Both parents would be actively involved. I am so relieved that I won't be losing my daughter totally. I can understand where my wife is coming from, she has not had it easy moving all over the world and me leaving for months at a time while she takes care of everything at home alone. No matter how good I treated her this was a lot to deal with. And like she told me last night, we got married young and she didn't fully understand what she was getting into marrying a military member. I will still be keeping my guard up so I don't get hit from the side but I think we will part as friends now. Thank you all again for your advice and wish me luck that it works out like planned.
Thanks to all of you that said you appreciate my service. Thats means so much when any service member gets a thanks from someone.

In your post you stated...
He does have a choice of being gone or not
This is a statement that I have a hard time with. My late husband was a 25 year veteran. 2 tours of Vietnam and 3 hardship tours. While I was not married to him other than the last 5 years of his military career...
The draft (ie. Vietnam was a bit different. Now it ALL volunteer.)

Of course you don't "just quit". But it is much easier to get out than the military would like you to think. After all, they are having a hard time meeting their quotas of personnel.

I know enough that you just dont QUIT the military. Someone please correct me if I am wrong though.
Okay, I am correcting you.

Once you are inducted they can send you where THEY want. It doesn't matter if you want to go or not.
Once they give you an assignment, you have 7 days to accept it. If you refuse, you get out in 7 months. Been there, done that. Just so happens I was eligible to retire, so I got lucky.

Being in the military is no piece of cake. Some things you put aside because of the job. Others you don't. It's up to you to decide which is more important. Not an easy decision either way.

ks,

I have read thru most of the material that was posted to you!!!

I am a military dependent spouse who has 21 yrs of service. I did day care for 3 single dads that were active duty AF, 2 of which had 3 children each, each with one that was under 3. So single military dads do get custody. I wanted you to know that!!! I have been the person that military members have had to sign their child over to when they deploy, til a family member can pick them up.

Check with your legal office on base, they can tell you what your WW is entitled to as far as your retirement, I thought you had to be married 10 years.

I am on the other side of the coin as far as the cheating goes. My STBX was on remote for a year when he started communicating with an old friend, and she needed emotional support with some personal problems, as zor says "life sucks".

Educate yourself on the divorce laws in the state that you are in and any states that your WW might move with your child. AS my STBX found out, our daughters had to be residents of the state for 6 months before he could even file and then there was a 2 month cooling off period. And then his lawyer screwed up and took out the Military Pension Division Order that I was required to have which protects me as the non military person. As zor said things can drag out, this started Feb 17, 02. And there still is no decree granted. And I have not even begun to drag my feet.

Read all that you can here at this site make the time, it's important!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am so sorry that you are going through this...I am on the other end of the spectrum...the wife of a WH, who is in the military. He has been in for 8 years, and over that last 16 months, we have been apart 9 of them. We just found out last week that he is again leaving. This time for 3 months.

My H and I were in the same prediciment 6 months ago. After he was gone for 5 months for Operation Enduring Freedom, he came home very distant and to himself. A month before he came home, our 2 sons and I met him in California on emergancy leave. His grandmother was terminally ill. Where were together for 2 weeks, and 2 days before I left, we recieved a letter from an ex girlfriend from 10 years ago in our hotmail acct. I expressed how I felt about it, she asked to see him, because we had a website that I posted, and she kept tabs on our site and found out we were in California. I left 2 days later, and he did visit her, then he left to go back overseas for 1 more month, then returned home.

D-Day was 3 weeks after he got home. I was livid. I couldn't believe what was happending. The 2 of them were carrying on an EA, expressing feelings to one another. 1 1/2 months after he came home, he asked me for a divorce and wanted to fight me for our 2 boys.

Upon advice from his command, I went and saw a lawyer off base, because in the Air Force, the JAG cannont help out. When I went and spoke with my lawyer, he laid all the laws of our state out for me. Here I was, a full time stay at home mom, and a full time college student. I didn't know what my chances would be of getting custody especially since he has the carrer in the military. He too told me that my chances are good unless he can deem me unworthy and unfit. Since he was the one carrying on the A, and his carrer would demand time away from our boys, that it would be a fight to get custody. But with these words, don't let them discourage you...I too have seen many situations where the husband gets custoday of the children. My neighbor is a single parent of 3 children. When he deploys, his ex wife gets the children. But also, he doesn't deploy as much as others due because he is a single parent.

As far as what you say about having no control about deployments, I do have to agree. My husband is in the AF and if you try to deny a deployement or try to find your way out of it, your chances of advancing or re-enlisting could deminsh. This too we have seen happen. My husband and I are in recovery now and just found out that he too is deploying due to the circumstances in Iraq. I called our MC, who is on base, and told her the news, and she asked me if she "Needed" to make a few phone calls. Because we are in the counseling program on base, through family advocacy, there is a way that they can stop his deployment...or at least say something that could hinder his chances of going...but then again...where would that put him? He is upset about going, but there are 17 people leaving from his shop. He was the very lastone picked...He is going in place of a girl who's 3 month old baby is very ill. I can understand that now. But I can agree with what you are saying...I think that it works out if the right people are helping you out. But if not, you can really hurt youself.

One thing that I would definatly advise is going to contact a lawyer. Most give free consults and won't ask for a retainer unless you are ready to try. I would definatly read up on this site, there is so much information out there to help you out...start with a plan....it won't hurt. When I was at the very end of my rope, I didn't know what to do. I found this site and with the advise of many here, and with the information on this site, I was able to "Help" my husband out of the fog, and back into our marriage...we are still a work in progress, but we are doing so much better than we were. Are you seeking counseling for yourself? I did this also when My H and I where going through all of this. I went by myself sometimes 3 times a week to get the strength to fight for my marriage, and also realized that there are many things that I needed to work on for myself. It can't hurt. That is one thing that the military is good for, the resourses that it does have, like individual or couples counseling. What branch are you in?

I hope that you may get the chance to read all the information on this site...I could help you tremendously! I know it has helped me. I wish you the best of luck!

Christine

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 12:47 AM: Message edited by: FeelingAlone2002 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>In your post you stated...
He does have a choice of being gone or not
This is a statement that I have a hard time with. My late husband was a 25 year veteran. 2 tours of Vietnam and 3 hardship tours. While I was not married to him other than the last 5 years of his military career...
The draft (ie. Vietnam was a bit different. Now it ALL volunteer.)

Of course you don't "just quit". But it is much easier to get out than the military would like you to think. After all, they are having a hard time meeting their quotas of personnel.

I know enough that you just dont QUIT the military. Someone please correct me if I am wrong though.
Okay, I am correcting you.

Once you are inducted they can send you where THEY want. It doesn't matter if you want to go or not.
Once they give you an assignment, you have 7 days to accept it. If you refuse, you get out in 7 months. Been there, done that. Just so happens I was eligible to retire, so I got lucky.

Being in the military is no piece of cake. Some things you put aside because of the job. Others you don't. It's up to you to decide which is more important. Not an easy decision either way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't believe the misinformation that is being provided by this response. It makes me wonder about the rest of the advice so freely given out by the participants in this website. It is irresponsible to give out this false information, especially coming from someone who has spent 21 years in service. Oh you can quit, but you better be prepared to settle for less than doing it under honorable conditions. For some, an oath to our country ranks very high and they don't want to be called a quitter. How about "death before dishonor"? Consider that the current stop loss in place may have a bearing also.

Okieman,

Your quote of Chris does not separate those that he was quoting from a reply by committedandlovingit. It's all jumbled together.

In fairness to committed and other readers could you please edit or acknowledge the unintended error.

In my opinion, a service persons life belongs to the military. One can't simply refuse to serve as directed. You are discharged when THEY say you are discharged...only after you have served your committment to the service. It's not like dropping out of highschool. It's a committment to honorably serve your country and I am proud of all those who have made that committment.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Okieman,

Just clarifying here....

You are stating that the responses that I got to my statements are the incorrect ones....right?

I just wanted to make sure because the way it is posted looks like I might be making erroneous comments. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

As Always,
committed