Hi Everyone,

I've lurked here for the last 15 months and have never posted. I discovered my husband's infidelity on July 4, 2001, packed his clothes and took them to his girlfriend's house the next day, filed for legal separation the next week, listened to him trying to convince me to give him another chance for the next three months and at the end of September of 2001 I told him that I would not see him again until we met in court. We were married 22 years at the time of D-Day.

We have reached a property agreement and he promised starting in June, that our divorce would be final as soon as possible (our state requires a one year wait). It is now October and I have to admit, I have been badgering him weekly to get this over with.

Can anyone tell me why he would be dragging his feet on this? He has been with the OW for nearly two years now and I want to be SINGLE. I just can't leave this all behind me as long as I am married to him. I even told him, the last time that we spoke, that he should be eager to be divorced so that he can marry his OW, to which he responded, "that is never going to happen." She has three young children, from her three previous marriages, and I think it is reprehensible that he won't marry her but will continue to live with her in front of her children.

To compound matters, I am fighting a very serious disease that could turn out to be terminal. I am ok with that and know that whatever happens I will be strong through it. I have provided for my children and my grandchild and will either make it through this fight or not, but regardless I do NOT want to be still married to this man that I do not know, respect, or want any contact with, in the event of my death.

I really don't want to spend lots of money on divorcing him. I would rather leave what I have to my children and not waste it in a court fight.

Does anyone have any words that I might speak to him to convince him to just divorce me?

The strength and compassion here is amazing. I hope all of you are doing well.

Thanks,
AH

That he said a marriage between him and the OW would never happen answers your question. As long as he is still legally married to you he can use that as an excuse not to marry her. He's probably telling her that it is your fault that the divorce is not final. Unfortunately you are going to have do the work if you want to divorce because this could drag on indefinitely. He is doing what benefits him pure and simple anything you say to him would be a waster of time. Until he decides a divorce is in his best interest you are stuck.

i believe Kalgrl is correct....He is using that as his excuse not to marry the OW. I, like you, would want to just get on with my life....

i'm sorry about your possible health problems, i'll say a prayer for you.

good luck in all you do...... keep us informed!

Agree and a m praying for you...Can say I see medical miracles every week..Keep eyes focused upward. Get a fire in attorney's pants and start it going. You deserve peace. I am sorry for those poor kids being subjected to this sin. My wH took my three year old son to disneyworld for what was to be a boy's trip only to find he took his mistress along. Took mistress and my son to disneyworld. Horrible.

Thanks for the responses--I can't believe that it never occurred to me that he didn't want the divorce in order to keep from marrying his girlfriend. I guess I just can't fathom destroying a 22-year marriage for someone that you don't love enough to marry. Thanks for the insight.

After I read your replies and got over my "duh" moment, I called and left this message on his voice mail, "Hi, this is Almost Happy (I always identify myself, first and last name, if I leave a message because he always says when he calls back that he knows my voice and I don't need to say who it is--just one of the tiny little stabs that I can't resist). I've decided that I am not going to be married to a man that I don't live with any longer. I will meet you at your place at 8 tomorrow night and help you get your clothes."

Now, of course, he lives with his girlfriend and I knew that he would be figuring that I would come down there and cause a scene (I never have and never would). He never calls back. This morning my daughter's cell phone rang and I answered it. It was the STBX. As soon as he realized that it was I he tried to get off the phone. Very sweetly, I told him that I would be there tonight to help him load all of his stuff and to please have everything packed up. He kept saying, “Sure you will”. I kept repeating that I would definitely be there tonight.

I then told him that his alternative was to make sure that I had all the divorce paperwork by this Friday. I then asked him to repeat back to me, "Almost, I will have all the divorce paperwork completed and signed and to you by Friday." He kept saying "OK". I told him that I need him to say the words back to me, exactly the way I had asked. He then mumbled them. I knew that his girlfriend was with him, after that, and that he didn't want to be overheard. I then told him that if he did not repeat the words back, verbatim, that I would be at his place at 8. He then, finally, repeated them back. I then thanked him and told him that if I did not have the papers by Friday that I would be at his place Friday night to pack up his stuff.

Well, I guess I'll know Friday if I'm going to actually have to go there. Keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't come to that. I can't imagine what I would do if I went down there and he had his stuff packed and wanted to come back home. I guess I could build a dungeon in my basement and let him live there. Or maybe add a story on to the doghouse, but I'm sure the dog wouldn't appreciate the new roommate; she has better taste.

THANKS everyone.

AlmostHappy

Oh that is SO funny it just made my day! How clever of you! You do it, too! You show up on Friday if he doesn't have that paperwork to you and make SURE she understands that he's holding back on you getting your divorce!

What a bed he's made, living with someone he doesn't want to marry, he needs a good chance to lie in it!