Hi all,

Had a good evening with exH. Ended up going over to the marital home and watching tv with him and the kids. While there I was just looking around and remembering...many happy times...much family tradition...a home that we built together. I looked at all the rooms that I painted and wallpapered- so thrilled to be a homeowner and all the conversations H and I had about accomplishing that dream. I thought about the many Christmases and the way we lay out cookies for Santa in front of the fireplace..and the Easter eggs that are filled with coins and money that trail down the staircase...and Halloween which is all the more special as it is our first born's birthday.

What the heck happened? I feel like a speeding train came and took me along with it for the ride leaving wreckage everywhere.

I was so desperate to feel loved- so needy to be desired and wanted- that I gave up everything in order to keep feeling what I felt with the OP. To the OP I was sexy and vibrant, smart, pretty etc...the things I apparently am not able to feel on my own.

Another big thing here to mention: I was married and faithful for 10 years and never would have dreamt this would be my life. On Thanksgiving Day 99 my dad died suddenly- my first A began 2 days later. Anything to not feel. Then- 5 months later my mother dies right in front of me unexpectedly. So much loss. The first A I had was not very long- because the OP rejected anything more- and I took it personally. I thought there was something wrong with me. I must not be attractive enough- this OP doesn't want me. So- I was obsessed for 2 years- until the second OP came along. Finally- I could feel that I was desirable again- and the big plus was that it ended my obsession with the first OP.

All this time H and I were just ok intersperced with really lousy. Not many love deposits there and many withdrawals.

I know that I need to be able to validate myself without needing somebody else to do it. And I need to find other ways to deal with pain when it comes.

H was working today on finding us a decent therapist to go to- so that is good. We need someone who is going to help us do some real work.

Time for bed....

good night

I know nothing more about your story than this one post.

But counseling I know about. I've been through a few. And most of them did excellent work with me. One of them I only saw about 3 times but she helped me mend my relationship with my mother. Another saw for about 6 months with a primary issue to deal with and we had it markedly improved in that time.

But what I learned is that, no matter how good the counselor, nothing will improve unless you are ready to get down in the dirt and wrestle with your "stuff". It's not easy and it's not pretty.

But if you are really ready to get out your mirror and look at yourself and see what you have that needs to be worked on, a good counselor can lead you in the journey of self-discovery and healing.

And sometimes it hurts. Kind of like surgery on your body. But there's no anesthesia for this.

So, I guess the question is, are you really ready?