Peachy,
Could you read my first posts and email me? I have some questions?
Thanks
Alan
yankeebluebbq@hotmail.com

Will be glad to. Read your others about rings, etc..When was first post about y0our situation? I am definitely not a pro, but can offer what has worked and not worked for me. Trust me, my wH is very difficult. More not work, than work here.

Whatever you do, to make this whole thing easier emotionally on you, try hard NOT TO READ EVERY LITTLE THING INTO WHAT YOUR W DOES. We will drive ourselves mad if we do so. He would leave a tidbit of info here, and some hints there and then allude to this or that..Just stop and rea lize she may be in the fog. And it is SO IMPORTANT TO NOT LET OUR EMOTIONS RULE RIGHT NOW OR OUR THINKING MINDS, OUR PRAYING MINDS WILL NOT WORK RIGHT. Kind of like a secondary effect of the fog I have noticed. That BECAUSE WS'S RELY ON THAT EMOTIONAL HIGH THE AFFAIR OFFERS, WE GET CAUGHT UP IN THAT EMOTIONAL BACKLASH ALSO. Hence, the secondary fog.

Let me know the where, when and I will look. I am at home with my son today and off of work. Spendign quality time today so I will be off and on here and maybe a little less today. But will glad to listen. Get LMBT and REad all the MB principles regarding A's and the cycle of them. Learn A and B very well. Those work.

Peachy,
The following is my first post. My wife did not have affair. I had an EA 1 1/2 years ago. She knew, but I never came totally clean until recently. I have done all the wrong things to try to get her to rethink the divorce. Her heart is so hard right now. We haven't spoke or seen each other in 5 weeks. It is so hard after 7 years. I NOW know what was wrong and KNOW that there are ways to resurect this marriage........but everyone said give her time, but divorce will be final at end of December. Any recommendations?

My wife and I have been together 7 years. We have been married last 3. We have a 2 1/2 year old. We have been separated 5 weeks. I was served divorce papers Sept. 16. She has a protection order so I cant communicate to her. In Iowa you only have 90 days and divorce is final. I have been seeing a marriage therapist since August. We have never gone together. Of course, she tells everyone I'm the bad person. She says I'm obsessed with her. I say I am obsessed for a good reason --I love her and my family. I have taken major steps at improving myself through counseling, reading many books, and church. I know I can change and make her happy. She tells everyone that she doesn't see changes and that I'm still being a manipulator. I am sincere. She said in August that she loves me, but is not "In love" with me anymore. She told my mother that she will not go back to the way things were. I DON'T want that either. Right now she is so closed up. She said she doesn't think she can EVER resolve issues she has with me. I know I've taken out alot of anger and stress on her last year (mental abuse) but I do love her and have learned alot. I know I can be that man she fell in love with. How do I convince her to go to marriage counseling and not give up? I'm losing the woman and family I love so much. I'd like to get her to a seminar or retreat and extensive counseling. I firmly believe that she can love me again by me changing and adding to her "love bank", but how do I get this BIG chance? Can anyone help me and us? My daughter needs a family that isn't split apart. Our priest is trying to help, but so far she hasn't been responsive. She doesn't believe anything I say. She says she wants to be happy. I want to make her happy. I'd appreciate any help.

--------------------
Alan

Wow. Totally the reversal of things here. Although H had an A for the last year and a half.

Being a BS is hard. She may be feeling so bad b/c of it. You said also that you had been mentally abusive to her, which mine was also. Although I wanted to attempt to reconcile, and only now want to if he is willing to change, I felt freedom after getting my own place in Jan. He still attempts controlling behavior and verbal abuse as of two days ago. This is the hard part. Time is what will show your positive changes. I can say totally that I WILL NOT GO BACK TO THE MAN THAT WAS MY HUSBAND FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS. No way. Now, the MAN I MARRIED WAS THE MAN I LOVED. Not this guy. Your w may be frightened beyond belief that you will, if she comes back, revert back to your old behavior. Plus there is the adultery thing. That adds another whole dimension of hurt to the pot. I can say from personal experience, that it makes you angry, angry angry. You can be lied to, but when the lies are intertwined w/sex and emotions, it is A VOLATILE COMBINATION. Some can't take it. Women are more in tune, usually to emotions as a rule and we TAKE THIS KINDA THING SO VERY HARD. Plus, my family knew about it and they haven't spoken to him in almost a year. Adultery is the lie that does more than divide a family, it will divide the entire family into sides. So you need as well to be showing your il's how you are changing as well.

Do not push her. Get an opinion from the Harley's. The walkaway wife letter may be good, but use more of Plan A stuff in it. You need to let her know that you've had the wake up call of your life.

Now my stbxh has not responded at all to any counseling. Flatly refused to go with me ever. Why? It would stop the world from thinking that HE WAS RIGHT IN HIS JUSTIFICATIONS. If one person, namely the counselor, told him that he was the person who was wrecking a family, even if in a loving way, it would be that he was wrong. In fact, he has responded to nothing except plan B. Why? Because my stbxh IS A CONTROLLER AND VERY DOMINATING. HE HAS NOT HAD YOUR WAKE UP CALL. STILL BELIEVES HE IS RIGHT AND IS TO THIS DAY BLAMING ME. Blaming me, with alot of little stuff, for all the huge things he has done. I took care of the little stuff so very long ago. Yet his story just doesn't change. Now it is the "we weren't friends" excuse. Whatever.

Please get Harley's advice. Or like I tell alot of people. Seek advice from Orchid or Redhat. Both are BS and Redhat is the man with the Plan A down. Orchid is back w/husband, redhat is divorcing. But both are so wonderful too.

I just think your w has been through a horrible emotional trauma and may feel like I do from time to time--frozen. Just nothing. Like a vacuum cleaner sucked my soul out. Some days I wake up and can't believe what happened to me and my family. That all the poop he hurled at me was really an excuse so he could have his way. So b/c of his affair for the last 2 years, which is now over, I took verbal, emotional and physical abuse from him. Am I still mad? Yes, but I HATE THE SIN NOT THE SINNER. I see that he is lost and I pity that. I pray for him each day. I am not any less a sinner mind you, but did not every do anything in most people's terms that would even come close to constituting a divorce or separation. Was just a happy homemaker and mom. That is about it.

Just be able to pull emotions out now and think. That is key. Do not push her. Seeing if priest will talk to her is good, but remember. SOMEONE ELSE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CHANGE HER MIND FOR YOU. She will have to do that herself. Is she seeing anyone, like a BF? Just wondering. Be ready for the anger and that coming to the surface. I did it for a while and still do. Don't expect overnight miracles. Cajunky has done a wonderful job at making himself into a wonderful new guy right after God's own heart. He lost his marriage, but is working so hard and is also an A plan good one too.

You may have to do a one sided plan A, but find out as much as you can. Remember, to focus on you, not on her behaviors. That is your controlling side. You cannot change what she is doing. BTW, I almost on several occasons filed a restraining order on him b/c of controlling, threats, etc. Just for peace. Focus on you, healing you. Others will see that. Your IL's will see it. Try to do something to let them see that. But do not expect Rome to be built in a day. Pray, but understand, that your M needs to be rebuilt from ground up. And that could be after the divorce. I pray it doesn't happen, but it very well may. Don't take that as the end of everything, just refocus now. Do what you can do, not what you WANT HER TO DO. That will not positively change the dynamics. What can you DO THAT WILL HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER HUSBAND AND FATHER? That is huge part of plan A. And our EN's don't get met too much during A so remember that and be strong. A can take a very long time. I am outta A b/c of his verbal abuse to me. But when I do B, it snaps him outta that quickly. He knows that I will no longer allow controlling and abuse. Especially when he has not repented or done first step to reconciliation.

Am praying for you. Cajunky has been doing such a good A even after his divorce. I believe he will be great to chat with. But remember, keep emotions at bay and use your head. Very important.

Peachy,
Thanks for advise. I saw a new counselor today. My other counselor was a man and not doing much at $115hr. I am seeing a woman now. I wanted a woman's opinion. It is a Catholic Services counseling center.......so it is PRO marriage. Just the first appointment was great. She set me straight on many issues my wife may be experiencing. She explained my controlling behaviors. They may not be controlling by my standard, but my wife "perceives" them as such. AH! I learned more in 1 hour with her than I did in 8 hours with the other. The other was a listener. She is a problem solver. She's hoping eventually she can get my wife to come in and then try to get us together. I also talked to Smalley's Relationship Center in Branson...one of the best. They have a 4 day couples intensive with a 95% success rate. Marriages with worse problems than ours. I pray each day she might be willing to go.

I bought concert tickets for us for our anniversary (9-11 of all days). It is tonight in Minneapolis. She is going there and I have a feeling it is with the guy she met on I-net right before we split. He lives about an hour from us, but is from Minneapolis. I'd like to say something to her or him, but know I can't if I want to reconcile. It's so hard, but I know the pain she felt had to be worse. I trust her and it's only a concert, but you would think this "Catholic girl" would still realize she is married until judge signs decree. The preist really needs to discuss this with her. How can someone want to start over with a new relationship from scratch.....instead of taking the one you have (not-so-good) w/willing spouse whom you have 7 years and a child with and put in some effort to make it work? I don't get it!

I was thinking of giving her a letter in a few weeks. It is kind of my WAW letter. Some of the wordage was recommended by my new counselor. What do you think? Is there a time she may be out of "fog" or will I know? Or do I just guess and send it and take my chances. Your opinion is welcome!

Dear Judy,

As each day comes and goes I think of the happy couple we once were. This time away has given me time to think and reflect on our past together and how I can work at making the future better. I have stepped back and realized that yes you have “tried” in our marriage. I was just so selfish and stubborn I didn’t realize this. I didn’t see what I was doing to you and us. It took a drastic situation as this to make me realize certain things. How could I have been so foolish? I am married to the most wonderful woman a man could ever hope for. I know I have caused you pain. More pain than I will ever know. I know it will be difficult to forgive me, I have repented and I now ask for your forgiveness. Now that I know what I have done in the relationship and failed to resolve, I am asking for the opportunity to do it now. I would like an opportunity to prove my love to you and our family. I pray that you might consider giving me this gift.

Love,
Alan

PS: This is my 2nd marriage. First wife had PA with old boyfriend. I know how it felt and I can't believe I had an EA with someone when I love my wife. I take the pain I had/have and times it by 100, so I know how bad she is hurting. I don't blame her a bit for doing what she is doing. I just know what I CAN do to bring her to love me again if given that gift from God.