I really vacillated a lot before submitting this- it's a bit sensitive & personal. Since my divorce, I've experience ED with anyone except the EXW., and I don't see it changing any day soon.
Here's a bit of background to my situation, and how I discovered this.

After the problems in our M reached crisis point, not getting anywhere resolving financial, sexual, schooling, studying, depression issues, my then W started Divorce talk. This lasted for a while, and she then UNILATERALLY decided that the M was OVER, that she was getting on with HER life, (outside of the M). She started going out, not answering to me, doing as she pleased, coming in at all hours of the morning, etc. It wasn't long before she embarked on her 1st A. An EA with the children's doctor, which went as far as kissing,(I'm told) & hugging. I also found a "love-note" she had written him. During this EA, she met a music promoter at a club, and embarked on a PA with him. This lasted for 6 months, after which she came back home, with no reconciliation plans, just needed time to work things out. I gave her 6 months, and after that time, she had still not decided to do anything one way or another. She was in depression again, and totally uncommunicative. Also refused counseling.

This was after now 2 years of this kind of roller-coaster riding with her, and I had eventually had enough. I told her that I had now had enough, and that I was now "moving on", and I wanted an end to the M. She just nodded meekly in acceptance. I should have realized then that she was having trouble dealing with guilt, and just done a good Plan B. This was the intention, but 2 weeks after that, I met and dated someone, and got involved with her. My intention was NOT to sleep with her. I told her that I do not do such things, and I just wanted to see as much of her as possible, before she went overseas (for 6 months). Anyway, I ended up arranging for a romantic evening followed by an exclusive guest house sleep-over. I don't know how to explain this, but I felt almost as if I didn't sleep with her, that she'd not think I was really interested in her, and that she would just go off and find someone else while she was overseas. Anyway, the attempt was a disaster. You can guess what happened. NOTHING. Imagine my embarrassment (a woman doesn't really understand this particular problem). Besides that, there were the feelings form me, that I didn't really want to, in the 1st instance, and I was furious at myself, for putting myself in that position.. Anyway, this affair lasted 2 weeks. My only contact with her(lets call her OW), was telephonically.

During the time she was away, my W and I hit it off BIG TIME. She was aware of OW, and wanted me to "dump" her IMMEDIATELY. I tried to explain to W that there was NOTHING TO DUMP. On leaving, I told OW that when she returned, and I was divorced, we would resume our relationship, if she wanted, and then we'd see where it was headed, and if it could stand the test of reality. She was also away alone, and I just thought that cutting off communication with her would just be CRUEL. I wrote to her, telling her what had happened between my W & I, and that I was sorry that things had worked out that way, and for hurting her in the process. Anyway, my W was adamant that I cut off all contact with OW altogether. On the other hand, she gave me NO ASSURANCES that she was back for good, and showed NO REMORSE for the affairs she indulged in. I felt she was going to dump me the minute I dumped (stopped contact) with OW. I stopped calling the OW, and when she got back, 6 months later, I DID NOT see her. Eventually, even though my W had not given me any promises of reconciliation, I told OW not to call me again. (I had still not seen her since her return )

I told W, who then told me that it was "too late", and that she was seeing someone. She had actually started seeing this OM (a co-worker), for some time, and while she was saying that she wanted to "work on the M", she REFUSED to stop seeing him. She had him pick her up at the front door when they went out. She told me once, that she had him do that, TO SEE MY REACTION.(!!!) Anyway, her refusal to stop seeing him (she had a full PA with him), was the last straw that led to the divorce. I eventually "gave up" on her, and moved out to my folks.

More on the ED-
Anyway, I dated, and during this time had no confirmation that her A with OM was physical (she denied it). The woman I was dating wanted sex, and I asked my EX if she was sleeping with OM. (yes, I did. Pathetic, hey?). I decided to sleep with date only because of knee-jerk reaction to EX having physical R with OM. Anyway, guess what happens- yeah, NOTHING. I can't DO IT with GF. I dumped GF.

A month later, I meet this really great woman through mutual friend of EX's. I don't call her back, since I am determined to stay away from women(!). I meet her again at another party, (mutual friend's birthday), and we are drawn to each other. I leave the party with her. At her house for coffee, things get out of hand, and (1st time for me, & her) we get down to the physical. So what happens- yup, you gussed it, NOTHING!
At this point, I'm starting to get worried about this whole sex thing, the fact that ED rears it's ugly head (pardon the pun) at the most inopportune moments.

I know there's nothing PHYSIOLIGICALLY wrong, since I only have to be close to EXW for something to happen. Those of you who have read some of my posts in other threads will realize that the EXW interfered in this R with new GF, and to cut a long story short, EXW & I ended up in the sack. ( I know, SHOOT ME). No problems whatsoever with performance. I consented also because I was eager ( I should say desperate) to see if everything still worked. Well it did. Now I'm in the position of enforced celibacy (maybe not a bad place to be), but really concerned that this problem will not "just go away" over time. Before this, it's been about a YEAR without sex. Yet I can still do it with the EX, no-one else!!!??? It's like some cruel joke.

If you have a similar story, it would be useful to hear what you experiences are.

muzohead

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 06:47 AM: Message edited by: muzohead ]</small>

As a FEMALE, I know I have no real voice on this thread, but I do want to say this...most women you would explain the situation to a little bit would not only think it incredibly sweet but they would be immediately challenged to make SURE they were the one to "break the spell"! You'd have to bar your doors...they'd be crawling in through cracks along the windows.

I would think in your (and all of our!) situation, that we will need to be very comfortable with the person we're with to perform...take it nice and slow.

The New Me-
Not true you don't have a voice or opinion on the matter. It's valued & appreciated-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"! You'd have to bar your doors...they'd be crawling in through cracks along the
windows. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think so- this is NOT the kind of information one normally makes public, is it? Anyway, if the last GF is anything to go by, I think women do not AT ALL understand the dynamics of this condition- she was concerned she was not sexy, or attractive enough - even worse, she actually told me, that if the attraction was there between a man & a woman, that this would happen naturally, the fact that it did not happen, meant that I was not attracted to her in THAT WAY, that I only liked her as a sister, or friend....and this from an extremely intelligent woman.

muzohead

Yuck Muzo, you are better off without that XGF if that is how she thinks! Sounds mighty immature to me.

I am no expert either, being a woman, but I can offer some reasons as to why it may be happening. The first is guilt...yesyou know XW didn't approve of the GF, you feel like having sex with another is the same as what SHE is doing, you feel unfaithful to her. Okay, maybe not in the front of your head...but I bet these thoughts are lingering somewhere in your brain.

I have read that the worst thing you can do about ED is WORRY about it. The worry can actually cause something NOT to happen. The very first time you had ED was totally understandable for the reasons in the above paragraph...but then you worry about it, and worry again...and nothing.

It 'worked' with wife because you feel comfy with her, you 'know' her and she knows you. So it is easier and feels 'right' in your mind.

You are right to give yourself time, and put some space between you and the ED experiences. And a bit more space from you and XW, too. Maybe those emotions are still too close to your heart. In the meantime you can be proving to yourself that everything works ok anytime you want! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And you know in your head that if it works THAT way it can work with the ladies...give it time.

Love and light,

Jacky

muzohead,

Yes, I'm a chick too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I have had some experience with this in my life, and so I wanted to share with you what I learned.

First, you wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I know there's nothing PHYSIOLIGICALLY wrong, since I only have to be close to EXW for something to happen. Those of you who have read some of my posts in other threads will realize that the EXW interfered in this R with new GF, and to cut a long story short, EXW & I ended up in the sack. ( I know, SHOOT ME). No problems whatsoever with performance. I consented also because I was eager ( I should say desperate) to see if everything still worked. Well it did. Now I'm in the position of enforced celibacy (maybe not a bad place to be), but really concerned that this problem will not "just go away" over time. Before this, it's been about a YEAR without sex. Yet I can still do it with the EX, no-one else!!!??? It's like some cruel joke. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Erectile Dysfunction can come from a large variety of things, the least likely of which is something physically wrong with the equipment. As you know, in order to achieve the objective, mind and emotions and body must work together and be in unity.

In my instance, I can not tell if the ED was real or an excuse, because my H had just completed his A and was in deep depression and withdrawal. He wanted NOTHING to do with me, and had no desire to touch me or be touched. Soooo...during THAT time, it's pretty obvious why the equipment didn't work: because his mind was saying no and his feelings were saying no. OTOH, his body had the capability to get hard, and I could see this every morning (heehee).

The next few months, I think his mind started to say yes and he started to try now and then, but still nothing happened. I think in this instance his mind was saying maybe, but his feelings were still no and his body was able...I think.

Now, this WAS upsetting to me and hurtful, but maybe not for the reasons you might think. As an uninformed female, I thought much like your intelligent girlfriend...if he really loved me and was attracted to me, it would happen naturally. Lucky for me, I did some research on the internet about ED and I found a very brave man who was willing to talk to me about it.

What I found out is that often the mind is screaming YES and the feelings are warm and smooshy...and the body is able but has some sort of unknown problem. In our instance, there was the possiblity of diabetes interfering with the natural flow of things--when the blood sugar is too high or too low, it don't work right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Also, there are some physical things that can be disruptive that you might not think of--such as decreased oxygenation in the blood or blockage of a blood vessel, high blood pressure (the meds they use can lower the blood pressure and the big guy!), some meds for stuff like depression or anxiety, regular bicycling (it can cut off the blood flow if the seat isn't right), malnutrition, and even sometimes after a vasectomy! Yep, if the vasectomy was difficult that can lead to internal scarring (which decreases the blood vessel) or to internal inflammation!

So, there are a couple of just plain ol' physical things that might be affecting the situation...but my SUSPICION is that you are fully ready, willing and able. I suspect that in real life your head thinks you want to...or you talk yourself into doing it...or you kinda convince yourself that you are ready, but in real life, you just aren't ready to be with another woman. I mean, DUH, you'd love to have sex. That's a given. But I guess that to you, sex means more than just sex--it's got emotional and intimate meanings as well, and you just aren't ready to give yourself THAT WAY to another woman yet. Your body is doing what you aren't smart enough to do yourself out loud--it's saying NO!! NO!!! I'M NOT READY TO DO THIS!!!

Don't stress man. Look at those things I mentioned up above...check into those things just to make sure all equipment is functioning within normal perimeters. Heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Educate yourself a little by looking on the internet. If all that checks out okay, I'd say give your heart a little time to heal and just enjoy female company for the fun of a female friend for a while. Personally, I think you're doing fine AND I highly commend you for being brave enough to discuss out loud what a lot of people worry about alone and in silence! GOOD JOB!!!!

CJ

P.S. This can get a little "weird" to talk about in a public forum. If you want to, I will be EXCEEDINGLY discreet and draw the line at medical type discussions (in other words, it would be very objective and like talking to a doctor ONLY).

<small>[ October 11, 2002, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

Muzo,

Now I am no expert, but I have a question. Is there ever any excitement when you are around the other women? I mean are you arroused at all when just thinking about them or being around them, then when it gets right down to it, that arrousal goes away?

I must say that the first time I was with my wife, I was so arroused for such a long time, but then when the actual event came I just couldn't. That was when I was twenty years old, so you know everything was functioning. The next time we tried, same thing, but she was great and slowly coaxed me without pressure. After that, man oh man, everything was fine. I wanted to so badly, but was so scared.

Maybe just let your date know before you are all the way, when it is clear that you will or would. If she understands, then maybe she can help take the pressure off. If she doesn't, she is not going to be someone you want to be with anyway. I bet after the first time, you will be absolutely fine.

Now I am not advocating the sex, but I do understand and until you said this, I had not thought about my own future in this arena. I guess that I want that intimacy and feelings so much, but I don't want to mess myself or someone else up in the process. I pray that I will not, but I also know that I am a very weak man. That is why I would only like to meet one more woman in my life. My wife of the future. Therefore, my temptation may not be so severe and delatarious.

PS By the way. I used to play guitar myself. More of a Flamenco than classical, although similar. I sold my guitar when we had my first boy because I thought that I shouldn't be spending so much time playing, and my wife had no interest anyway. I have thought several times over the last year about buying another. I listen to some of my old recordings every once in a while. (Going to have to transfer these to CD from cassette) Sometimes they sound good, sometimes the same one sounds bad. But I know that I had alot of fun playing.

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Hi Muzo! Me again, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Only thing I can add that might be of some help is - besides all the other advice given you on this Thread, which is EXCELLENT - ... GUILT TRIP GUILT TRIP GUILT TRIP GUILT TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take it from one who's been there - your ex is playing the universal "I don't want him but I'll be da*mned if anyone else is gonna have him either" She VALIDATES it by insisting you dump your girlfriend (who by the way you did NOT cheat with) and then what does she do? The exact OPPOSITE!! Huh?? What kind of screwed-up reasoning is this??! She plays, "The RULES that apply to you do NOT apply to me because I'm special and I make the rules" Game. It's really very beneficial - to HER, not to you. So, don't play her game. Her game is going to end in Divorce and she's the LOSER - not you. Her guilt trip has caused your ED - the mind is a powerful thing. In other words, your ex has showed you just how NON-COMMITTED she is to you! You owe her NOTHING! Nothing at all. Lose the guilt - you have done the noble thing by not sleeping with any of your GF. You have shown that you have much higher standards than she could ever hope to have. Hold your head up high, Muzo - you deserve to! Don't let her BS GUILT TRIPPING get you over a barrel. Time to move on and face life with your head up and no guilt trips dragging you down.
Best wishes to you, Muzo, please keep us posted!
God bless you.
Harold (The MP3Meister)

PS - "Don't Bring Me Down" - ELO
"Evil Woman" - ELO

Thank you all so very much for your responses- my hesitation & initial misgivings at raising (pardon pun) this issue are proved unfounded.

Nina Too-
Yes, that was one of the reasons I left her- that kind of thinking- but not the only one. She would also while we were just making out, refer to it, habitually, saying things like…"…now you KNOW there's no point in doing this…", at a point which I was just trying to relax about it, to see IF anything would happen. Yes, true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
The guilt thing- ..I don't know- I've sought of mulled this over in my soggy brain for answers- I think in some weird way I'm thinking that I'm betraying the EXW(!?)
Quote:
It "worked with wife (hey, she's my EX!) because you felt "comfy" with her…

Once again, I don't know……even before the divorce, after separation, the air sizzled between us, (at least for me). I think maybe the last great sexual experiences have been with HER, and in a sense, she's still my greatest sexual fantasy?????
Oh, and BTW, I've checked- everything still works! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Faithfulwife-
Yeah, it's definitely in the mind & heart. So right about secretly knowing that I'm not quite ready yet. I had decided, BEFORE meeting GF, that I would do all future relationships old-fashioned way- courting, friendship, romantic, etc. GF, however, is divorcee of 5 yrs, who hasn't had sex in all that time, and hasn't had a R of any real sort, and looked to ME to provide immediate relief! NO PRESSURE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thanks for the offer to mail- you'll be hearing from me soon.

FC-
Is there any excitement when around other women? NO. Definitely NO. In fact I used to complain to a female confidente, (whom I haven't told about ED), that I was concerned since I had not had ANY libido for about 6 months, at that point. I went to a STRIP JOINT to check this out. NOTHING! NOTHING!
Quote:
Maybe just let your date know before you are all the way, when it is clear that you will or would. If she understands, then maybe she can help take the pressure off. If she doesn't, she is not going to be someone you want to be with anyway. I bet after the first time, you will be absolutely fine.

Judging by recent past experiences- I have little hope of that happening, and you may be right about her not being someone I'd want to be with- this may be a blessing in disguise- like a B*LLSH*T detector, given to me like a gift (!)

The guitar thing- Do yourself a FAVOR- play again! It's the BEST thing I've done in a while (for myself). What do you know- a fellow guitarist!
--also a REALLY GREAT way of impressing chicks!!!! ( ladies, sorry for denigrating terminology, just no other way to say this- guy talk) My long and manicured nails are also an EXCELLENT conversation starter!

DJ T-BIRD-
As usual I can count on you for the really HARD-CORE view, which I appreciate. While the rest of us [censored]-foot 'round most of the stuff, you just tend to cut though all the CR#P, and tell it like it is-
Quote:
She plays, "The RULES that apply to you do NOT apply to me because I'm special and I make the rules"

This is great stuff! It's EXACTLY what I think sometimes- I love the way you've said it here! Ha-ha-HA!!
The can't have-won't have game?---- yeah, I'm such a sucker, each time I'm actually a little hopeful that she's "come to her senses" or "realises that she loves me after all"
….only to get royally dumped-AGAIN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm working at this thing, MAN!

Thanks again to all- I'll keep you posted!
muzohead

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by muzohead:
<strong>Thank you all so very much for your responses- my hesitation & initial misgivings at raising (pardon pun) this issue are proved unfounded.

DJ T-BIRD-
As usual I can count on you for the really HARD-CORE view, which I appreciate. While the rest of us [censored]-foot 'round most of the stuff, you just tend to cut though all the CR#P, and tell it like it is-
Quote:
She plays, "The RULES that apply to you do NOT apply to me because I'm special and I make the rules"

This is great stuff! It's EXACTLY what I think sometimes- I love the way you've said it here! Ha-ha-HA!!
The can't have-won't have game?---- yeah, I'm such a sucker, each time I'm actually a little hopeful that she's "come to her senses" or "realises that she loves me after all"
….only to get royally dumped-AGAIN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm working at this thing, MAN!

Thanks again to all- I'll keep you posted!
muzohead</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Muzo! Thanks for the compliment, I do appreciate it! Yeah, I dug that one - hard-core - LOL good one, thanks.
I wouldn't say you're a sucker, but one who deep inside (like us all) loves the Person your wife once was (not the mindless selfish MORON she is now). I felt the same way about my ex after I left her, man, I missed who she was. The mind is so powerful, it's like, the dreams and fantasies and nostalgia only remembers the good things and just glosses over the bad things. Ha! I'll never forget this - the day I moved out from my then-wife, I was a crying ball of *)E! for a week. I missed her, man! So I went back for a visit and...boy did I get a REALITY CHECK! All I heard from her was her twisted 'it's all about ME' and
'you're so wrong' view and then... Viola! I new right off why I had left her sorry butt. I didn't soon forget it either. Well, didn't mean to ramble on there, Muzo, but just hang in there, dude - stick to your guns and you'll come out smelling like a rose. As for your ex... I don't think she'll come out smelling like something any of us would want to be around...
Harold
"50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" - Paul Simon...

Muzo I too experienced the dreaded ED but in my case it seemed to confined to the first two or three intimate encounters with my fiancee, but by the third or fourth encounter I was feeling like an adult movie 'actor' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I beleive that Nina Too hit the nail on the head in that the initial encounters feel ackward and a betrayal of our xWW's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">P.S. This can get a little "weird" to talk about in a public forum. If you want to, I will be EXCEEDINGLY discreet and draw the line at medical type discussions (in other words, it would be very objective and like talking to a doctor ONLY).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FaithfulWife are you in the medical field? Urology by any chance?

Muzo check this website out. It answers a lot of questions regarding male health problems.

Absolute Answers to Erectile Dysfunction

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Muzo, what's happening?

I hope that you got a chance to read that link I posted regarding ED and other male health issues.

I also hope that your xWW is giving you a much needed vacation from her daily interference in your life.

TMC-MAN-

Thanks for the link to the article- I've downloaded and will read. I've been to a number of resources on the net, and read them all. To be more accurate about my particular affliction, would be to say that I have performance anxiety, coupled with resultant ED. I do not suffer ED per se, only selective ED(?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It's all in the head! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also hope that your xWW is giving you a much needed vacation from her daily interference </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, she called me 4times yesterday, to ask me to help with lifts to work early in the morning--(she does not have a car yet), so she's already broken the rule of "only discussing kid's issues", which was HER call, if you remember. So much for the broken friendship--- ? I don't have an issue with helping her, I just feel worn out, and I'm adopting FC's attitude--i.e, expecting the worst behaviour from her, so I'm not disappointed when it occurs.

later
muzohead

Muzo it wouldn't be bad helping her if she was a person that would reciprocate your kindness, but I have the feeling she is not that kind of person. She knows that you still have some feelings for her and her actions are to keep those feelings alive so you won't find yourself another woman. But she feels she has the right to find herself as many men as she likes. Is that fair to you Muzo? especially now that you are divorced from her?