Ok...Im back here contemplating moving out because Plan A is not working...shes wants nothing to do with me...close to six weeks since D Day..My wife confessed to an EA with another guy this summer...

She tells me I have not met her emotional needs for 2-3 yrs now...says she does not love me anymore...doesn't want this life...she wont go to counseling...she wants me to leave to give here space...Problem is I am so conflicted about this...I've been in love with her for close to 20 years...Why do I have to leave? Because I'm the guy? Im looking around for cheap apts, rooms...this will add more financial pressures to an already stressful situation...What is this going to do my my kids...My wife has been a stay at home mom for 13 years now she is looking for a job and wants me out of her life!!

What the heck is going on here! thankfully God has provided me with some strength and a confidential friend who is helping me deal with this "emotional" hell...I'm just praying for my kids and my wife...this is definitely a "crisis" of faith for both of us...what has happened to my wife?

I'm fighting against, temptation, loneliness, anger, frustration, depression, despair, confusion...

Do not let your hearts me troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me John 14:1

Married Dec. 1, 1984
3 kids 13, 10, 7
D-day August 29
Contemplating moving out now

Hi Prov, welcome to MB. Sorry to see whats happening many here have been through the same thing as you.

The first thing I wouldn't do is move out, stay as long as possible. WS's bounce back and forth, they are a emotional mess. They don't know what they want. You increase your plan A chances if in the same house, they see you everyday, one day they want you, next day they want freedom.

My cousin who was a WS that invaded another mans home was the first to help me and said, do not move out because he said he had the woman of the house under his power, but he said he knew his and her relationship would never last it was all based on a lie, but he knew he was using this woman and had her decieved and so was he. He said if her husband would have stayed in the house and not moved that would have made it even harder for him with this mans wife. So stay as long as possible.

You say plan A not working? According to your d-day its only been about 45 days. I know you want a quick turn around but you're dealing with the will and emotions of another person. She said you haven't met her emotional needs for 2-3 years [not always true] but as you see she is somewhat empty but not all your fault. So far she's only had an emotional A, of course thats painful anytime....

You said you have been married 20 years and she was a stay at home mom. I think its just a time of innovation in the relationship. She's seeking newness but that's not found in someone else, she has to search within herself. She's in the fog as they call it.

My exw did the same identical thing yours is doing to the letter saying and acted the whole part. Even after multiple affairs at one point she wanted to put it all back together, so you never know what could happen, just ride the storm and work on you and pray, read your bible and info from this site. I've seen God answer my prayers but not in my way and time frame, to my favor yes, but according to his plan. Many others here are and have gone through same thing so you're not alone.

Depending on the age of your kids and what you placed in them over time determines the effects this may have.

Don't do as she does, grow as a person, affairs and adultery are moving backwards in life, it appears she's moving forward and leaving you behind, but she's not, she's going backwards if she continues the same behaviors. Just be patient.

Your story sounds all too familiar. Like EC said, it hasn't been that long since DDay. I knew something was wrong a year ago and she finally confessed to an affair in May or June. Then just last night she confessed to two more. One was before the one I knew about and she won't tell me when the other one was.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She tells me I have not met her emotional needs for 2-3 yrs now...says she does not love me anymore...doesn't want this life...she wont go to counseling...she wants me to leave to give here space... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is almost word for word what my W has been telling me. I deploy with the military and am gone for about 30 day at a time. Now I thought that would give her time to find her self and figure out what she wanted, but I come home and its the same old thing. I don't know what to think. I have been thinking that time is the only thing left to give her, nothing else seems to work. But I know if I am out of the house I am missing opportunities to meet her needs. Even thought she "doesn't want me to meet her needs now". Another phrase I hear a lot.
I don't know if it helps any, but hang in there. I am struggling myself right now; the pain is almost too much to bear.
CD

Here I am still looking at places to stay and actively staying away from my wife while we are in the house...she sleeps in the basement taking turns with my younger daugther and son while they take turns with me upstairs.

I have a question to anyone out there...If I leave the house, can she file for divorce with abandonment as the cause? I mean will she have a legal leg to stand on? To be honest I need some info on this..that's why I've been stalling.

Also she just wrote me an e-mail saying she wants to talk to me this weekend...well I'm generally an optimistic person but the way things have gone lately I DREAD this conversation! Anyway, I'm praying for wisdom and asking God for his intervention.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

Hi Prov,
Judging from previous threads, the general consensus is if you have young children, do NOT move out. It may come into play with custody issues later on.

If you are seriously considering such a serious step, I would suggest you consult a lawyer first.

But Everlasting Compassion gave great advice, and he was right, as long as you're in the same house, it is much easier to do Plan A. I'd try to stay there as long as you can, even though it SEEMS as if you're not accomplishing anything. Once you move out, life takes on an "Out of sight, out of mind" mentality (for both of you!) which contradicts marriage restoration.

Blessings to you!

Dear Proverbs 27:3,

I'm in the exact position you are in. I spoke to my lawyer earlier this week and she said for me not to leave the house. She said it would not be considered child abandonment, but it would look better to stay put. If it gets unbearable then you try to get your lawyer to obtain a restaining order against your wife. This would not be against her to see your children, but rather against her staying in the house. That seems to be the direction I will be heading next week.

Sorry it isn't working out. I really feel for you. It's the pits.

Im back here contemplating moving out because Plan A is not working...shes wants nothing to do with me...close to six weeks since D Day..
I'd recommmend at least another 3 months.

actively staying away from my wife while we are in the house
Not part of Plan A.

I have a question to anyone out there...If I leave the house, can she file for divorce with abandonment as the cause? I mean will she have a legal leg to stand on?
Absolutely. However, you need to consult with an attorney for a real answer.

Hi Pro,
DITTO to all that has been said.
You need to call an attorney and tell him of your situation and circumstances.
In the mean time... do not move out of the house... it could be to your disadvantage if you eventually end up in a "D".
Talk with her and Plan A. with no "LB".
Right now you want and need to keep the lines of communication open and friendly with your "W". If you lose that your chances to have any sort of recovery diminish greatly.
You don't want to make any knee jerk moves... steady as she goes.
Keep the Faith.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Prov, ok she wants to talk, what a great opportunity! This is a good Plan A time.

Part of the secret key to Plan A is, eventhough painful, is taking what they said they didn't like about you and working for your good. What that does is take the argument out of why they want to leave. Most WS's tell what they are empty about, some more than others, but as painful as it was I took all the bad things my W said about me and turned them for my good, yes, they were hurtful and hard to face but I look where I was and where I am now, she pushed me forward and she went backwards. She saw the change enough at one point it made her question her actions and paused for months. Oh, she knows she made mistakes now. Nothing she planned worked, I mean nothing.

I even remember after several d-days months went by after she said I didn't appeal to her, the not in love with you, I was no fun, etc..... I dropped off something at her house shortly after she moved out and I lightly hugged her and kissed on the cheek bye, she felt it strong, she got turned on, she even admitted it.... I was dumbfounded? I said but this is the woman that turned on me and wanted nothing to do with me? wouldn't sleep with me, moved out,etc...

I remember me and my wife passing like strangers in the house after d-day...She felt rejected in her emotional needs, I felt rejected because of the A's. Despite how I felt, I put up fight for her, I tried to remember what was the very thing that attracted us to each other all those years ago, what turned her eyes about me and made her heart happy about me. Prov, it can still happen while still in the same house, even if you're in different bedrooms...

My wife went from sleeping next to me, To sleeping at the other end of the bed, stating her side was uncomfortable [I raised no questions] then to sleeping on the couch, all the while she was in the progress of an EA, talking to her lovers while she was there on the couch at night....I was fooled.....

Anyway take this to make a strong impact while still in same house, she told the secret to her heart of what she has a problem with, work with those things it can have an impact on her on you.

Take Care.

Hi Prov,
Stay in the house and try to MEET HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS. If it took 2-3 years of not meeting them, it certainly could take longer than only six weeks to staighten it out. Most of us women respond to this stuff. Do it-try.Don't give up so easily. You can probably get her back. You have been with her so many years and you have children. Maybe she needs you to see her for who she has become. Just a suggestion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks so much for all your encouragement...From all I've read and everyone I talked to, I told her Saturday that I would not move out...I didn't have a peace about any of this...She has threatened to move out before with the two smallest kids but I guess I'll have to call my lawyer and ask for a restraining order if she tries to do this again...Otherwise I'm praying that I not get to much in her face or ignore her...We regulary attend church together and yesterday she couldn't...She's not wrestling with me anymore...I think she's wrestling with God...I still keep asking her If I could meet her emotional needs but she won't go there...so I am continuing to meet the emotional needs of my kids...especially my 10 year old daughter...really praying for wisdom here...

On more thing for EZRA...any suggestions besides talking? I try sending her notes of encouragement but she gets angry...I went to Houston and got her some Texas souvenirs (she's from there) and she didn't respond...I try asking her out for a casual date but she stares at me and says no...I'm staying away from asking to hold her hand or anything remotely affectionate...I have all these creative ideas but she has told me she needs SPACE...that's all I hear is I'M NOT MOVING (towards me that is)I NEED SPACE or you need to leave...I think she is REALLY SCARED but she won't talk to me...the other day I noticed she got her own credit card...I mean all our credit cards have our names on them...Is she wanting to assert her own identity without me? Is that it?

Prov,

You have been given some good suggestions, so I won't repeat any of those. What I would suggest is to set up an appointment with one of the Harley's. I found it invaluable. They are Godly people with a lot of experience in this whole area.

As a woman (I am BS) if she is saying she wants space then I would not try to persue her, but rather work on yourself. Take a look at your M from her perspective - what could you do differently to meet her EN's ? What are her En's?
Ask God for wisdom in doing this, and guideance on how to act/ what to say / how to look at this whole experience.

Each Wed, we pray for the restoration of our M's which is posted by cajunky. Feel free to join in. Our prayers are based on the book " Power of a praying wife / husband"

I'm fighting against, temptation, loneliness, anger, frustration, depression, despair, confusion...

What you are experiencing is normal, yet that doesn't help much. I had to pray that God would keep me pure and not sucumb to those things you mentioned. I am a year past DDay and have begun to really enjoy myself and be ok with me.

God is good, all the time.

D.

<small>[ October 14, 2002, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>