I have read many of these posts and I would like some feedback on my situation.I have been married for 6 years.H has a very bad temper, so it has been a relationship of being afraid to tell him things, being afraid to do anything.He has ripped clothes off of me, kept me up all night, thrown things,called time after time at work, held me down.He has drawn back to punch me but never did it.Instead of feeling love for him, I have felt scared and I have started to hate.A month ago, I told him I want a D. He claims he can change, but I do not believe it. My heart is telling me to run while I can. I don't want to give him a second chance, but he is just not getting it. I don't love him anymore. His touch makes me feel sick. I also feel he has an addiction to porn, and that only makes me feel worse. We are currently going to MC. But H does not want to hear about how is the one that is wrong. What do you think?

sing-

Go to plan B immediately.

what exactly is plan b? I have dropped off the retainer at my attorneys office. Now H will not leave me alone. He thinks that something else is going on to make me feel this way. Says I am not being fair.

Hi Sing, sorry for your situation. It sounds to me that you spouse has been truly abusive. Even though you haven't actually been hit, it's come dangerously close. The addiction to porn is another problem. Even Dr. Harley says that if a person is addicted to anything (alcohol, drugs, pron, etc.) that this issue must be addressed first. I think it's time for plan B - no contact whatsoever. Maybe then he will realize what he is losing, but some people do not. An excellent book you may want to read is "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson.

The issue of abuse is particulary close to my heart as I was physically beaten by a man in a past relationship. This was over 20 years ago and I have never forgotten the abuse. Even though my marriage is very bad right now (probably soon to be over), it's not as bad as the abuse.....

Best Wishes to you and I will say a prayer for your marriage and safety.

Hi again Sing, I just read you most recent post. Plan B involves separating and having NO contact with your spouse. There is info on it in the MB website.....check it out. The Dobson book is about the same topice, he just calls it something different.

BOTTOM LINE UP FRONT: You're with an ABUSER!!!! Nothing is going to change - until you free yourself from his abuse. Abusers and Alcoholics are quite similar: "Oh I'll change, really I will. This was the last time I..."
Something to think about... I cut and pasted this from an article I found online awhile ago, can't even remember it. Please excuse the blatant Plagarism...

The emotional abuser often plays pushme-pullyou. He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again. He may even use sex as a weapon against her - by telling her that she isn't paying enough attention to him, spending enough time with him, or isn't initiating sex enough, but then will reject her advances when she tries to initiate.
Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom take responsibility for their own actions.
Abusers are self-righteous. They find ways to justify their behavior. As a result, he always focuses on her problems, and insists that she change to make the relationship better.
Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO apologize, they will only do the same thing again. They know this, and will even try to make it seem like any expectation of an apology is really an attempt to "blame" them. (Again, "blame" being that dirty word). For example, "You just want me to say I'm sorry and promise I'll never do it again, so that when I screw up again, you can point a finger and blame me and get angry with me and say, "See? You did it again and you promised you wouldn't!"" This is called "projection" - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem.
If you do get an apology out of an abuser, it is a quick-fix, not a long-term solution, because they will do the same behavior over again - that is why they are often so resistant to apologizing and saying that they will work on the behavior - because they KNOW they will repeat it at another time.
Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature. At the time you may think that this is some kind of indication of a willingness to work on their past problems, or that somehow it will be different for you. In fact, what they are looking for is absolution in advance for behavior they will later inflict on you. They may even go so far as to say, "I told you this is how I am."
Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style.
Emotional abusers may do seemingly loving, kind and considerate things, that actually convey a subtle message that you aren't "perfect", that you aren't quite good enough. For example, it may seem very sweet that he rubs cream into your hands before bed, but then you remember that he also didn't like you touching him if your hands were the least bit dry or rough - it "hurt" his skin, so you always had to have hand cream to make your hands soft before you touched him. Sadly, the REAL message behind the seemingly loving act of rubbing cream in your hands is that you aren't perfect, you aren't living up to his needs and expectations, NOT that he loves you... In their own subversive way, these "messages", couched in "loving" acts, eat away and erode your sense of self-worth.
Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get.
In order to gain sympathy, the abuser will share convincing stories of his burdens, including stories of how he was abused as a child, or how he witnessed his mother being assaulted by his father.
An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed ******* - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed ******* mode ("I was just doing something for *me*. I'm tired of you making me feel bad about myself."). However, that "something" often winds up breaking a relationship agreement, a promise, or involves him being condescending, ignoring, or rude.
An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, "after all the things I did for her"... The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries at social functions.