<BR>The following article appeared in my local paper - "The West Australian" on Wed. August 25 1999. It details some research which has been undertaken at an Australian university, and is writen by Michael Clanchy, who is a counsellor and writer, and Dr Chris Trotter, who is a social work lecturer at the Uni. It blew me away - I cried and cried. It is my life in a nutshell. I thought others here might relate, so I typed it out....couldn't think of any other way, as you can't put attachments onto the posts here. Very long, but the most real thing I have read about this ever.....maybe food for thought for you.....<P>"THE ABUSE TRIANGLE"<BR>"When Joanne finally mustered the strength to end her 8 year relationship with George, she was displaying many of the symptoms of a victim of abuse - anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem and a distorted sense of reality. George was no typical perpetrator of domestic abuse. He had not laid a hand on Joanne during their relationship and only rarely raised his voice to her. Yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her to the point of illness and hospitalisation through his relentless pursuit of a long - standing sexual affair with his work colleague, Davina.<BR>Adultery, deception, romantic triangles are the staple fare of novels, lifestyle magazines and TV dramas. We watch the scenarios unfold for our entertainment and diversion. We sometimes talk with callous fascination about our friends and acquaintances in the same situations. But rarely do we stop to acknowledge the real human pain and suffering which accompanies these events and the cruel consequences which sometimes follow them. In many instances betrayal through infidelity is similar to what we term domestic violence or abuse. Unfaithful parties are often insensitive to the pain they inflict, as are perpetrators of physical and psychological violence.<BR>To understand the parallels between infidelity and domestic abuse, we need to look at what infidelity entails. When two people commit to an ongoing relationship, in most cases they commit to sharing certain life activities, and sharing them to the exclusion of others. This exclusivity distinguishes the bond of their affection and partnership. In western societies, sexual and physical intimacy, best friend status, the sharing and keeping of personal information, priority allocation of time, attention and resources are usually shared to the exclusion of others. Infidelity is essentially a breach of this comitment by one of the partners. The infidelity may be sexual, where one party becomes physically intimate with a third party, or it may be emotional, where a partner goes over to a third party in the sense that they share a primacy of affection , time or other resource, normally reserved for, or freely given to a life partner. <BR>Why is infidelity abusive? Why is it sometimes a form of psychological and emotional violence? Because infidelity results in humiliation, hurt and loss for the injured partner. The betrayal is usually perceived as a direct attack on the faithful partner's worth as a person and as a partner. Instead of the relationship being a vehicle for the support and growth of the individuals, it becomes a source of rejection and diminution for one of the parties. A research project involving in-depth interviews with a number of women and men who have experienced infidelity has been conducted at Monash University (Australia). The stories reveal numerous parallels between certain cases of infidelity and cases of psychological and even physical abuse.<BR>These are some of the common characteristics of abuse and infidelity:<BR>1. The recurring cycle. Like domestic abuse, infidelity can become an ongoing feature of some relationships. The infidelity may occur again and again with either the same or a different third party. It becomes a cyclical process.<BR>2. The phases of the infidelity and abuse cycles. Ongoing infidelity sometimes follows a path similar to the well-documented domestic abuse cycle. A typical cycle might include a tension build-up phase, the infliction of pain, a brief period of remorse and guilt, the reconciliation phase, followed by a return to tension build-up.<BR>3. The apparent indifference of the unfaithful partner. Apart from brief periods of guilt and remorse after critical incidents of abuse or infidelity, the betrayers/abusers tend to be remarkably insensitive to the pain and distress they inflict on their partners.<BR>4. Similarity of the responses of the injured parties. Those who stay for significant periods of time with partners who are unfaithful often display the same psychological and social symptoms exhibited by victims of systematic abuse. Some of these symptoms include: deep personal suffering;, low self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness; a sense of helplessness and a lack of control over their own lives; a dependency on the betraying partner and a need for their approval, and a distorted sense of reality in which they can begin to believe that their partner's infidelity is their own fault. In the case of Joanne, for example, over time she began to question what she had done to make her husband want another woman. She concluded that she was worthless and unattractive. She blamed herself for being jealous and possessive. She had lost sight of the simple reality that Georges's infidelity was both his choice and a breach of their mutual commitment<BR>.5. breaking the cycle. Behaviour patterns established by partners in abuse and infidelity situations can be difficult to change. Like domestic abuse, unfaithful behaviour does not often cease of its own accord but calls for definitive action on the part of either the perpetrator, the affected party or both. Unfaithful behaviour is heavily associated with lies, deception and denial..Overseas research suggests that if a relationship is to survive, the unfaithful partner needs to admit the destructive nature of their behaviour, accept responsibility for its damaging effects and close off inappropriate contact with the third party. By the same token, the faithful partner needs to signal clearly what behaviour they will accept and what they will not accept and be prepared to take action consistent with their words. <BR>6. Endurance, strength and survival. The most encouraging aspects in the Monash University research are the many examples of endurance and survival in the stories of people subjected to the trauma of infidelity. The survivors have struggled with their pain, some for many years. Most have eventually found their inner strength, have taken some control of their situation and moved on with their lives on their own terms. Some have done this with their existing partners, some without".

Very thought provoking..... Thank you for taking the time to post it......<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

sosad-<BR>That is mine life in a nutshell too. I think that I will e-mail this to my betrayer.<BR>Thank you for posting.<BR>Cheryl<BR>ps. How are you. Since our time zones are different, it is hard to connect sometimes. Are you ok? How are the children?

I'm hanging in there Ceecee, thanks for asking. My H has been gone nearly a week now, he came over last night to see the kids. I'm finding it hard to not lovebust when I see him, I just want to shake him so hard and say -"look what you've got, right in front of your eyes!! and if it's not quite right...lets fix it." I think things have calmed down with the OW, but he has taken this opportunity to get out of a marriage which he believes was never right for him. Is saying all sorts of things which hurt a lot - that he knew there was something missing before he got married (excuse me, but why DID he get married?), that he has never had the "right" feelings for me, that he loves me, but not in the way he wants to love someone, that it's better off for both of us for him to be gone if he doesn't feel the right things etc, etc. It seems to have swung around from the OW to how wrong we are for each other etc, and he has taken this chance to get out. Don't know what state I will be in tommorrow night, as it is Fathers Day over here on Sunday, and the kids are going to stay overnight with him in his unit where he has been for the last week.( They are so excited, I think they think he is coming home....he told me last night someone had offered him their vacant house to use (for sale, they have moved out of town), so he's moving there. He hasn't told them yet though. One step further away....talks like coming back is not an option for him.) Guess that leaves me at home alone.....might go watch a movie with a friend....but Sunday morning is going to be really hard - we usually do the whole breakfast in bed scenario, kids have made their presents at school etc......I'm missing out again....why is it so damn hard, why do I have to always pay, when I didn't ask for ANY of this.

Hi sosad,<P>I am thinking of you. Please remember to do something really nice for yourself when you are feeling down this weekend. Something good for you and that is a really good pick me up. <P>Thank you for posting that article. It was just great and it fits me also, but I have an addition to it. Not only is infidelity in the classic manner abuse but so is pornography, fantasy, and masturbation use.<P>Much hugz and prayers for you,<BR>Thoughtful

Thanks thoughtful. Time I went to bed (11.30pm Fri here) but I can't stand being in our bed alone.

Sosad <P>Thank you very very much for posting this.<BR>This is a keeper.<P>I never thought of infidelity on those terms before. <P>TNT<BR>

oops, double post -sorry! <p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited September 05, 1999).]

Just bringing this to the top in case anyone else wants to read it......

Bringing this to top again. <P>Hugz, Thoughtful<BR>

Up to the top for Benna <p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited September 29, 1999).]