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#736934 10/14/02 12:28 PM
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Found out today that my divorce is final. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I found our from my wife today. I did not know, because my brother picks up the mail and I think he lost the letter. I cannot believe that I found out in this way. She was actually able to laugh at the circumstances, because she nearly threw the letter out thinking it was junk mail. I guess it really was.

I cannot say any more. Feeling sick. See you all later.
c++

#736935 10/14/02 01:02 PM
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Dear C+++

I am sorry for your pain, i have been following you and hoped that it would end better. Just a prayer and hug for you today. May God grant you peace, and a little rest.

#736936 10/14/02 01:23 PM
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c++

Just don't disappear, okay? Keep posting. People care how you're doing.

all my best,

#736937 10/14/02 01:39 PM
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C++ -

Hang in there and know that there are lots of people praying for you. I know it must be painful with the finality of the whole thing. My final date is fast approaching and everything still seems surreal after a year of roller coaster emotions. Better days are ahead though so keep up the good fight!

#736938 10/14/02 01:56 PM
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C++: I know how difficult this day must be for you. But now is the time you can begin to heal. I wish you the best; things will get better.

#736939 10/14/02 02:03 PM
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c++....Just wanted you to know we are praying for you. I know it stinks that we are not married anymore but keep praying that God will take care of you and restore your marriage. I am still numb everyday knowing that my marriage can be great again since the problems that made it dirty have been fixed but I am relying on God to continue to make me grow. I just wanted to let you know to keep your eyes on God because he is right there with you holding your hand and doing things that are unseen to help us through this time. Never give up on God no matter what the circumstances look like from the outside.

Hang in there bud.....we are praying for you on weds. and I will say a special something right now to ask God to comfort you today.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

#736940 10/14/02 03:00 PM
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C++,
I've followed your posts, and you have come along way.
In the situation we all sometimes find ourselves in... I've found that nothing surprises me anymore.
I'm am so very sorry to hear about the way you found out about your divorce.
I have said a prayer for you, and hopefully in the days ahead the Lord will allow you the comfort that you so deserve.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

#736941 10/14/02 03:06 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((((c++guy)))))))))))))))))))

You are in my prayers. Our God is a mighty God and will get you thru this time in your life. I'm not at that point so can't say I know how you feel, but can only imagine.

God bless,

D

#736942 10/14/02 05:19 PM
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(((((giant hug))))))

Our road is a long one and you are at the end. Fork in road is ahead and our prayers are with you tonight as you choose your new path.

It will only get better from this point. When I hurt the most, I just be very still and concentrate on remembering that God is holding me fast. He is holding you now.

And we are praying for you. You did a great job. Do not feel any defeat for the battle is not yet lost. Either way now, you are an awesome guy and one woman will be so lucky one day soon. Keep the faith and let us know how you are doing.

#736943 10/14/02 07:05 PM
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Thanks, everyone for your kind replies. I am numb right now...not sure what to do so I am working on a software project right this minute.

I guess one of the tricks is to look forward and not back. Not an easy trick.

Divorced....I just saw some Wedding Day photos...feels like it happened to someone else right now.

I am gladdened by the show of support I always receive here, so thank you again,

My Best,
God Bless you All,
c++_guy

#736944 10/14/02 07:17 PM
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Hey c++; do you have any new dreams ?

What do you hope for now?

#736945 10/14/02 11:22 PM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Giant Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Giant Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Giant Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Giant Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Hug Giant{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{

In many ways, it feels like a nightmare or a really bad dream that you can't wake up from, doesn't it? I have been your good friend for a long time now, than you are today. I KNOW you, and I know that you love your XW and you never wanted this to happen...at all. You married her for life.

But I have a great image for you. This is like the forests here in Colorado that got burned this year. Those forests WERE beautiful and green and ALIVE with life. Those forests were homes. Then the fire came and just devoured it all. Everything is burned and charcoal and black, and it seems that there is no life left there at all.

The animals that escaped the fires returned to their homes to discover that there was nothing there for them anymore...and they can either choose to stay at the scene of the fire and slowly die themselves, or they can move and go to another place...acknowledging that even though death surrounded them, THEY ARE STILL ALIVE. Either way, it sucks. Either way, it hurts and what they had is GONE. But one choice leads to their own death, and one choice leads to their own life.

C++, when the fire came to devour your forest, you didn't run away. You were there while it burned and it seemed like all life was destroyed. And now you are sitting in the charcoal remains of your forest and crying and wishing you could have it back!!! Now you get to decide...are you going to stay in the lifeless area which once was your haven??? Or are you going to LIVE and move to another place and REMEMBER the beautiful forest you once had???

You can choose.

And by the way--even though it may also seem as if your HEART was also a victim of the forest fire, guess what?? Nature has her way. The forest is not lifeless...just purified. It takes YEARS to rebuild, but there is still life and it will come back...slowly. Your heart may feel burned and lifeless but there is still life and it will come back...slowly.

And we will be right here with you as your heart comes back to life...and as you mourn the enormous fire that has destroyed the life you knew.

CJ

#736946 10/15/02 12:55 AM
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Dear C++_Guy,

Don't even know what to say. Just wanted you to know I read your post and feel some of your pain. I haven't crossed that bridge yet, so can only imagine the sorrow and loss you feel. But as others have said, God is with you, ALWAYS. He hurts even more than you over this tragic loss of another marriage. He is also the great physician and can heal hearts, and relationships. Keep praying, and trust God to reveal to you a rich and rewarding future, whatever that might entail. I'll keep you specifically in my prayers.

#736947 10/15/02 02:39 AM
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C++,

Just a few thoughts, since its kind of late...

For one, this is not the end of the world. It may seem like it right now, but millions of people get divorced every year, and almost all of them survive. Its not like you've got some terminal illness, or are off to prison, or something REALLY bad...you just aren't married anymore.

Two: What did you do for yourself today? You need to ask yourself that question every single day for at least the next few months. Think of it this way...if you put as much energy into rebuilding your life as you are now putting into grief and self-pity, you will come out of this a far, far better person. Do for yourself the "nice" things you would have done for her. Cook yourself a nice meal. Treat yourself to a movie you really want to see. Do something for yourself for a change.

Me? I bought a convertible Mustang the day I got divorced. It made me feel better, and it still does!

Finally, don't dwell on things like wedding pictures, rings, or other things that might trigger more bad feelings. Put the pictures in a box, and put them away somewhere. I don't even have my wedding pictures anymore, and my ring is sitting at the bottom of my "junk" drawer.

When I was going through my own divorce, I put so much weight and emotion into that little band of gold, and it nearly drove me nuts. I started to feel better when I tossed it in with all the other stuff I don't use much anymore. When I see it now, its just a piece of jewelry I used to wear.

Hang in there, buddy.

#736948 10/15/02 05:24 AM
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C++Guy - hang in there man, we're all WITH you! It DOES get better - believe me, it really does. Just keep the Faith and..... wait - it WILL get better.
Keepin' you in my prayers, dude.
Peace and God bless you, Harold

#736949 10/15/02 06:40 AM
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I write this as I get ready for Mass...just leaving, really; Thank you. I am always surprised at how many friends I have here. I will be home this evening and I will post an update.

May God be with you all.

c++(.NET)_guy

#736950 10/15/02 02:18 PM
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Hi c++_guy-

I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today and always. This didn't work out the way you wanted, but as everyone has said you will get through this. You are young, giving, and loving. You have your whole life to live and nobody but God knows what that will offer.

It does get better. I have been divorced for 8 months now. My x left me 21 months ago while I was pregnant with our fourth child. At first I felt just like you, but time heals pain. My marriage didn't work out the way I planned, even though I worked my butt off to save it, but now I have so much more than I ever had in my marriage or ever could've even dreamed of. I have peace and contentment for the first time in years, I am the mother of four, beautiful children, and I have met the most wonderful man who loves and appreciates us all. I don't know what my future brings anymore than you do, but by letting go and trusting God great things are happening in my life. You are a great person. Never forget that. Good things are coming for you!

Take care and God bless!

K

#736951 10/15/02 09:04 PM
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THIS HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

#736952 10/15/02 11:16 PM
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C++,

I feel your pain. I've felt your pain. I can't stop it, I can only remind you that it is not permanent. It will stop hurting eventually.

If I may wax philosophical for a moment, the pain you're experiencing is functioning on a few different levels. You're a thinking person, right? As a computer guy, you have to have considerable reasoning skills. Use that reason to help you overcome this pain. Reason is a powerful tool!

If you feel up to it, you could analyze your pain. Part of the pain comes from loneliness, part from feeling betrayed, and a huge part of it comes from having to re-define your existence. So many of us fell into the trap of thinking that our married relationship defined us as people...I know that I gave up a large part of my individuality when I married. I became part of a team, a family, I subjugated myself to the relationship and, as a result, was unable to cope with the thought of that relationship ending.

In a sense, losing my marriage was losing a major reason for my continued existence. I allowed myself to be defined by that relationship, and my pain came from not knowing how to define myself as an individual anymore.

I suspect you may be going through the same sort of painful forced redefinition of yourself.

What you need to realize (at least on a rational level, if not an emotional one) is that you are NOT defined by your relationships. You are a complete person whether or not you are married, in a relationship, or dating. Right now, I suspect you are focusing on the fact that you are DIVORCED, and are allowing that fact to define your existence. This is a dead end.

Eventually, you will come to the realization that you are not a DIVORCED person, but just a guy that used to be married. It is a small, but important distinction.

Hang in there.

#736953 10/15/02 11:50 PM
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c++

I love cjacks post.....very good advice. You will be ok....maybe not great for awhile....but eventually you will find love and peace and happiness. I didn't think it would be possible--and at times it isn't easy--but I am at least getting to the point where I am content with my life most of the time.

You will be in my prayers--it is definitely an adjustment. Take Care Pat

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