Of course as you can already guess I was the reason that she had her 4th affair. I killed her heart over the last 10 years and therefore she was required to "Jump at the first person that showed her any love." Was an interesting evening.

I went over to her house to pick up the boys this evening. She started in on me about the lights, dog, etc. I asked her why she felt she had to attack me that way and she couldn't tell me why. I asked her to give me ONE example about how I held money over her head. She was unable. I asked her to explain why she felt that she had to attack me everytime we interacted. She said "I don't". I gave her examples and she quickly stated that "It is because you have it all. You don't have to answer to me about money. All I have are the kids. If you say that you don't need to pay more, then I will just have to readjust the time and percentage of time since I have the kids WAY more than 50% of the time."

Well, I give her almost double what I owe her for support and maintenance (I owe her NO maintenance at all according to law in this state.) I told her to figure out just how much extra she has my boys. She feels that she is giving SO MUCH by keeping them two afternoons a week. She finally realized that she only kept them for a total of about 8 hours, Actually less than 7. And that I kept my youngest for her on Fridays. But regardless, she finally figured out that she didn't really do that much more. And I pay her almost DOUBLE what she should be getting. And I told her that I wish that I could have them even more, and she said, "I know you do." That was the only sincere appearing words that she said tonight. That she knows that I only care about my boys and that they are the thing that I care most about.

I asked her why she thinks that what she does should have no effect on how I feel. She said that 'you shouldn't keep bringing up the past. We can't relive the past. We must just figure out how to deal with the current.' She didn't realize that I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE CURRENT. She didn't know that I knew about her affair, so she was still trying to act so HOLY. Well, I then asked her why she felt she needed to lie. Why she told me repeatedly that there was no one else? Why she told me that she might be able to move so that I could have a career in my field? She just attacked me about some stupid thing and I shut her down. I asked her why she felt that she was doing right by "Praying for me" with her 'true friend of God'. She kind of gave me this, well you stupid idiot look. I said, (Maybe the only thing that was actually bad about my night from me) "You don't know God." Then she had something to bring back against me. She wanted me out. She said that I shouldn't judge her. That I was some High and mighty Christian and should know better than to judge her.

Anyway me and the boys left shortly thereafter, and little more was said. I told her how I found out. And she started to deny it, and I told her that I had the proof and to just quite lying, because it didn't matter anymore. I have known since mid-July. She just couldn't believe it. I left her. I hope she is OK tonight. I am sure she is at her man's house. She can't do anything alone, so why should she do this alone. The funny thing is, I don't care. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE !!!!! IDON'T CARE !!!!!!

I am free. I am free. I am free. I AM FREE !!!!

I wonder just what the next few days will bring. While she didn't actually say so, I asked her how many of her friends knew, and she just kind of looked down. I know that the answer is NONE. I sure would like to just tell them all. Maybe they can knock some sense into her. She is living in a world that has no reality in this world.

I truly hope she is OK. But I have realized that I am no longer bound to her. I have no feelings for her. The woman I wondered over so many years ago has long since dissappeared. The woman that I loved has long since been taken over by this mentally unstable woman that now inhabits her body. My children's mother is now a woman that she would have shunned only a few years ago.

Pray for her, because she really needs it. I have always included her in my prayers. In spite of all the pain she has involved me in. I hope that someday, her world will coincide with the one that I live in. Not be part of my life, but I do hope that she finally gets a sense of reality. It will hurt for a while, but she will be far better off without living her lies. She has created a world in which she has to twist everything to stay within her framework that her affair is OK. I no longer care except for my boys sake. And truthfully, I don't know what is best for them where she is concerned. She is out of bounds as far as the world goes. It greatly worries me.

Pray for her and my boys please. I know that you will. I will be praying hard. Not for reconciliation, but for her survival.

(((((huge giant hugs to you)))))))

Yep. She is outta touch. I am so sorry. Some of those same words were said to me btw. But do as you told me and do not engage her again.

Something is definitely wrong and amiss with her. Bet she felt shot when you let her in on the secret. What is she hiding? I just don't get it. Sounds to me like she was having some sort of a temper tantrum tonight as far as the money goes. She wants to live a good life financially and be able to morally live as loose as she wants to be, pretending to be someone she is just not anymore. And in a wierd way, just like with Austin, I fear for him, his actual sanity. Like the Bible says, "a double minded man is unstable in all his ways". Goes for a wW too.

Your kids are so important. I am fearful a tiny bit now that she will think only way to fight back is with the kids. That is what Austin did and attempted earlier this summer to file for custody of my son. Didn't work or come even close. Their brains are just fried, my very good friend. We can't make sense. They have scrambled eggs for brains.

It is like she just wants this secret life. I don't get it. Almost sad sometimes to see them carry these huge burdens they have created for themselves. Just back off, way off from her. She may be finally coming out of the fog a little bit anyway. They do for a bit but in stages. Sometimes it is about money. Other times about their kids. And on extremely rare occasions, they actually feel guilty about their actions with regard to us. But never close to reconciliation yet.

And I feel like you. That I am free b/c I am free of HIS PROBLEMS; HIS SIN; HIS DESTRUCTION. You are so sweet. Just try to somehow shake this off tonight. You need to read the book I read last week when I was so stressed: "Where is Joe Merchant" by Buffett. When you can't escape to the islands, you can at least live it for a while. Read it inbetween patients. Funny and just what the good doctor needs to order. That and the new linkin park cd.

Praying for you and the kids tonight. And for you wW. She is digging her own emotional grave. So sad. She is losing the greatest gift she was ever given. I am so sorry for that. But am glad you have done so well.

Did you hear about the crab? Now we have a crab for a pet. Read what I wrote to K (GIIC). Crab escaped and I had to chase it around the house w/silver tongs. That thing is soooo creepy. I do not like it. But it is God's creature and my son has named it. Austin got him from the beach. Other two crabs are DOA. This one is huge and probably killed the other crabs. It is gross. Austin knows I do not like things like that. I shall bring something disgusting with son to Austin's house when son then goes for a visit. Think of something disgusting for me to give to son to bring. Slugs?

Just trying to pull you outta the dumps tonight and make you smile a tiny bit. You are too sweet for all of this. Just sit back and let God hold you tonight. I do this when I have had too much. Sleep tight. We are praying for you folks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My children's mother is now a woman that she would have shunned only a few years ago. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN. Ditto for me. I actually told my EX this- and told her she was a home-wrecker, and if she enjoyed being in that position ( w.r.t OM's GF + kids). I hope this has gotten through to her.

FC, your stbx(?), sounds like my ex's twin sister. I have loads of sympathy for her, and have often, told her how sorry I was for having put her in that position (having the A), due to my lack of attention, too much work, not enough time with kids, etc., ...but have not to date received a single unsolisited apology from her, for the pain she caused by indulging in the EA, EA/PA, etc., with all the lies and abuse that accompany such. At times, when I think about it, I still feel her pain. I think, though, that she has gotten into a cycle of never-ending justification of indulging in "pain-numbing" behaviour. Everything that she does is from a point of view of the "hurt & injured". This is in fact just selfishness, which is one of my EX's worst attributes. She is generous & warm & giving,(generally as a person ), but ultimately selfish inside of a relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The funny thing is, I don't care. I DON'T
CARE. I DON'T CARE !!!!! IDON'T CARE !!!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The funny thing is....I DON"T BELIEVE YOU! ( thou dost protest too much, i fear ).
Yeah, & what about the prayer request??
Hey, FC, after your journey down de-NILE in Egypt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just realise it's OK to care. You just no loger have to live with it, if you choose not to. Also, if you need to "harden your heart" so as not to be affected by her, SOBEIT.

BTW, I'm taking your advice about EXPECTING bad behaviour from the ex, and it works great!
I didn't expect an apology from her (after she swore at me in front of the kids), and I didn't get one, or even ask for one. It didn't affect me at all, looking at it this way. I was just hurt to see her drop to that level. I hope after self-examination that she will realise the impact of her actions.

I will not pressurise my ex into loathesome verbal attack or lying by engaging in any converstaion that is not initiated by her, or by enquiring about her private (dating) life. She is apparently to me, still conflicted. She has told me categorically & emphatically that she no longer "loves" me in "that way", but will always love me "deeply as a friend", and that we share "something special". I told her that what she was referring to, only belonged inside of an exclusive relationship, such as marriage.

later
muzohead

I guess you are right in a way Muzo. I do care that someone that I deeply loved has absolutely dissappeared. She is absolutely no longer anyone that I have ever known.

You know, the funny thing is that We read together, His needs/Her needs. She kept saying, 'oh, my God, that is just how I felt.' But she kept saying that she could NEVER fall back into the traps that so many of the spouses fell back into in the book. She even went so far as to talk to her friend about her friend's sister, and enlighten her about the perils of affairs and that if she just read the book, that her thoughts would be much clearer. Heck, she is the walking poster child of what that book is written about. She is the epitomy of everything that the book was written about. That book could be based on our life and her as the wayward spouse.

It just is laughable that she is so blind. I just can't believe that even after reading the book, OUT LOUD together, she still can't see it. OH WELL. I am sure that there are smarter, more stable women out there. Heck, some of them used to be my patients when I was a psychologist, first career for two years before medicine. She has so much more pathology than many of the people that I counseled.

But I am right in alot of ways. I don't really feel, although I could be wrong, that I care about her behavior anymore. Now she could definitely hurt me by being mean. But as it goes, she has not brought him around the kids as far as I know. They are all I care about concerning her. Other thoughts about her are a waste of synaptic power.

Peachy - Thanks for your thoughts. I will email you soon. I have a trip to Nassau in about 2 weeks. I booked it for both of us in March, then she pulled the plug. So I switched locations from a couples spa to "Atlantis". Hope to get a tan and have some fun. I have never gone diving before so I hope to do some of that. I also am going to look for a Watch. hehe. I am going to look for a spot on the beach. Watch the people, swim, and read. I may go deep sea fishing. Those marlin look pretty cool. Also want to see some night life.

Another funny thing about tonight was her cussing about me having new clothes. She sits there and cusses me about them, but then I say, "You have been buying new clothes as well, and you are the one that has the financial problems." I swear, you wouldn't think that a grown woman would be so stupid, but I truly don't think that it had even occurred to her that she was doing just what she was accusing me of doing. But that is how it always has been.

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by notpeachyinga:
<strong> This one is huge and probably killed the other crabs. It is gross. Austin knows I do not like things like that. I shall bring something disgusting with son to Austin's house when son then goes for a visit. Think of something disgusting for me to give to son to bring. Slugs?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about a Scorpion...
"The FOG creeps in on tiny cat feet... and then moves on"
Our prayers are with you tonight, and may the Lord bless and keep you as He guides you thru this awful time in your life.
Harold

Peachy,

You don't want to take something that is disgusting. You want to take something that your son can dearly love, but is a complete PAIN to take care of. That is the correct way to handle the situation. Much more effect. Haha.

F_C by letting yourself get sucked in to her nonsensical ravings, you are still filling the EN of attention. It might be wise if the next time she tries to push your buttons into an argument by stating something outrageous (like your spending on clothes) you just smile and talk about the kids. If she still wants to steer you into her loony topics, just say 'bye, see ya later'. Maybe the previous three OM's found out what you are just willing to admit to yourself, in that your xWW is a basketcase and not worth the time to invest in a serious R.

FC -

From mwhat you describe it sounds like your wife has just totally blocked out the reality of the situation.

My Ex has done the same thing. If I tell anyone else about what he's done - have A, leave wife pregnant, demand new born daughter all day everyday and over night basically from a month after her birth even tough mom's breastfeeding(refused to see her on any other terms) - people say, how can he do this? how can he act this way? has he no feelings?

The answer is he really does not make the connection - as you wife says - get over the past, when we are talking about the hurt of the present - my Ex says that too.

I think that there is something wrong for those people not to be in touch with the hurt that they are causing. And my therapist thinks so too. Normal people who are in touch with their feelings and emotions would have guilt over the things that they are doing.

So ntil they get a clue, we have to realize that we are the sane ones and that there are others out there, like us.

You will definitely find someone else. Not to worry, just run off and get married for the sake of getting married - and I know you won't. And things will happen at the right time, although it's hard to wait.

Enojy your boys and your new career and things will continue to fall into place.

You sound like you are on the right track. K

Ok FC...

You are off to Atlantis? That is one of my favorite places on earth...Used to go there all the time and started diving at ten dollar reef nearby. It is so big you can see it from the airplane as you circle in. Are the kids going? They have the discovery channel kids program that is awesome there.

Stayed in royal towers last time and basically went on vacation by myself. He was lost in the gambling arena and I found myself dancing alone in the cool dance club area adjacent to casino.
There is a much smaller beach on the property and is quiet. Kinda enclosed by some huge rocks but it is so peaceful for laying out and floating. That is where you want to relax.

In nassau, there is a cool place called the "pirates of the carribean" or something like that. It is a cool museum dedicated to buccanneers. Very interesting. I you will ever email me personally, I will tell you waht happened when I went into the bar area and sat down waiting for Austin to finish gambling, which went on all night. Atlantis is awesome. Another place I haven't yet gone to is Grand Lido Sans Souci, where I have been told by some of my best friends is great. Oh, and every day there are free diver feedings where you can help feed the exotic fish. My son fed baby tiger sharks that they had in the big outside aquarium. It is so awesome. Very over the top, but it is like a disney underwater for adults. You will love it. Can tell you where to eat. If you've never dove there, take their resort class for a few hours in the morning and then go to the reef I told you about w/the class. It was so incredible..Only 45 feet down.

You can find nice watches there. Ironically on my last trip, got my new platinum band for my wedding ring and another cocktail ring. He was "making amends" for his increasingly poor behavior at the time.

I love Atlantis so much that I will go back. No really bad memories at all there, b/c when I was there on last two trips, each time I found myself walking outside on the bridge near the beach actually thinking to myself how nice it would be if I were there on a romantic trip, even though it was just he and I there. It was wierd. Like even then, my sixth sense knew what was up.

At least your wW will read. My wH will not. Unless it is a sales improvement thing. He will shell out thousands to go to these conferences, to become better and sharper at his work, but would never go to one, not even one marriage counseling seminar or read a book or anything. Ironically a few months ago, he told me he was actually reading. A book called "don't sweat the small stuff when dating". How wacked out is that? The crab is still alive. No more breakouts. It got so cold overnight here. Raining and cold.

Son has developed a nasty virus at about 3 am. Threw up nonstop until almost dawn. Can't hold down anything. So I am home from work, luckily today and tomorrow were light patient days. That was so good. Trying to get docs to phone in some phenergan. Poor little guy. He has 101 also. But they told me this morning this awful and very contagious bug is going around like wildfire here. Oh what fun. Son is laying on couch watching "Animal Alphabet". Gotta go and check on him. Feel better.

FC -

WOW! you W sounds exactly like mine. Almost to the tee!!! I am talking to an attorney today to begin the D. I really have no idea who this woman is that I once loved more than life it self...

I will pray for her as I pray for my own WW every day.

Good luck, and God Bless you, and our WW's...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a trip to Nassau in about 2 weeks. I booked it for both of us in March, then she pulled the plug. So I switched locations from a couples spa to "Atlantis". Hope to get a tan and have some fun. I have never gone diving before so I hope to do some of that. I also am going to look for a Watch. hehe. I am going to look for a spot on the beach. Watch the people, swim, and read. I may go deep sea fishing. Those marlin look pretty cool. Also want to see some night life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How does that old saying go? The best revenge is to live well?

Oh boy I can just see the look on her face after you come back from such vacation hot spot like Atlantis with photos of you with others having the time of your life. She will either give you the silent treatment or blast you for being so 'selfish' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . You might even want to ask her why doesn't she tell her latest OM to take her there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In her present state, your stbxw is doomed to fail in all her R's with men (proof is she is on OM#4). In fact, unless she changes back to the woman you fell in love with, the only type of men she is going to attract are going to be the ones who are going to use her as their temporary s** toy.

Peachy,

It is just me and a novel. Going to lay out and see what is up. I have been really pounding the weights and I am pretty happy with the results, so I will go out there and just see if i can turn some heads. Hopefully it will all be fun. I am not looking for anything, but I think it will be fun just to see what I can generate. Every other time I have been to the beach, I have been with my wife, except when I was in college. So I was completely off the list as far as the menu goes.

I think I will just hang, swim, and dive. My boys are going to be with her. It is their fall break, on Thur/Fri and it is her days anyway. We had planned to hire a babysitter and us go alone. She has never gone to the Carribean. Neither have I for that matter. But I booked the Grand Bahamanian Sandals Resort and Spa for us/her. I thought that we would be well into our new lives with each other and this would be a good thing right about now. Well, we are well into our new lives, they just aren't what I was expecting, that is for sure. haha

As far as what to take to Austin's for revenge. My prankster uncle bought me a baby goat (kid) when I was little. It was incredibly cute and cuddely, well not so cuddley because it jumped around constantly, and got out of everything that we put it in. I loved it and my dad hated it, because it kept climbing onto the top of the car. But I was only about 5 years old, so we kept it. Her name was Nanny. Not very imaginative, given that all mother goats are called nannies. Finally after about a year, we gave it to a neighbor who raised goats. All in all, my mother still threatens my uncle with buying his kids a "kid". I think there is more substance to that thought than she would really like to believe. haha

FC

Ohhhh. Grand bahamian..That would be nice..You are gonna love Atlantis. Do take a trip to ten dollar reef. Actually it could be called five dollar reef, but I am close anyway. It is so lovely. Nice wall there to see marinelife.

I just started diving three years ago. And you will turn heads. The nightlife is very well, active in Nassau. Think the club called something like "the dragon" near the casino is great fun on weekends. I only ventured in there once by myself. But you can get lost there. Gosh, I have craved time in the carribean by myself. You are going to get some peace, and if solitude is what you want, try antigua or barbados. I love the carribean. Hence why I am somewhat of a parrot head and actually own a parrot myself. But GA is good enough for now. We are five hours from the nearest white sand beach, and less than an hour away from the mountains. Nice diversity here.

But I will live vicariously through you as you go there. Which tower are you staying in? Stay in the Royal tower on one of the concierge floors. You can save a ton that way. On the club floors, they offer at the top of one of the towers a morning coffee/light breakfast and lunch which is lite also. And before dinner, they have wine and cheese hour w/cocktails, but I always tipped them. Gorgeous view from that area too. Plus you can spend all your dough on a great restaurant at night. It is actually cheaper to stay on the club floor. I called their casino directly as the magazine budget travel told me to do and got a mini suite for half of the price I would have paid travel agent. Although I don't really gamble, except play slots once in a while, they don't know it. Saved over a grand. Good idea if you can book that.

What I won't give for one day to go on some kind of trip like that and NOT BE ALONE. And have son with Austin while I go island hopping. Nassau is so fun and you will want to take the kids back w/you to Atlantis b/c kids program there is so awesome. they actually have a marine type lab area for them. The service is great there and the people are just so dad gum sweet. You will want to move there and set up practice. I sure wanted to find out if they had nukes there for me. Yea mon...Atlantis is great...

Get that read from Jimmy Buffet so that you start living on island time now. Buy a ziggy marley cd as well. Oh, the group Baja men are from Nassau. Culture is great. When your plane lands there, there are steel drum bands playing and they hand you a complimentary bacardi bahama mama drink. I was buzzed even before I got to the resort. But I can not even imagine how wonderful it would be to go there on a romantic trip. Now promise me you will be good...You will certainly be tempted like never before. I was. But we are different. Yep. It is so funny. Some of us can be tempted and just do ok. See it as just a confirmation we've still got it instead of seeking not our own. To avoid all the women, you'd better keep those eyes buried in a good book..lol!

They have very nice shopping in the shops of atlantis too. Versace, gucci, etc. You will find that watch. Good prices on jewelry too. If you can pay cash, you'll be able to barter and name your price. That is so fun to do. Just say to them, how much is it if I pay with cash???You shall be amazed. My band was four carats/plat. Paid less than half of what it would have been here in states. I am wwanting to melt the band and make plat/diamond earrings with it. Either way I see it as a good bargain...lol.

Goat is a very nice touch. But, he lives as I do in a golf course community and they will complain. He has trouble with the kid he already has. lol.

Son is doing better. So much fun with the phenergan suppository today. Oh he did not like that at all. But he slept it off. Is eating a tiny bit now. Fever still though. OFf of work tomorrow. Now why haven't you emailed me yet? I am wondering. Just dying to tell you the story bout what happened at the atlas bar/grill while I was waiting for Austin to finish playing blackjack which ended up going on for hours and I went home to the room by myself. Almost like the movie w/demi moore indecent proposal. Too much to print here, but they have this marina at atlantis with million dollar ships there. Not boats, some are truly ships. You shall be amazed. Used to be my dream to get a boat and learn navigation. Be able to just skirt the coastline of GA and Florida and go to the bahamas. So many of those islands are not so far from here. Only a one and a half hour flight to bahamas from Atl.

I am wanting to fly to Puerto Rico again. I love it there on their carribean side. Next time I want to rent a jeep and just go through the whole island. Ruggedly beautiful and se hable espanol un poco. Good enough to converse w/locals usually. Hiked the rain forest there. Wish I could get tags on my suv saying "carribsoul". Carribbean soul is me. Can explain why later.