Greetings...

If we are living in one house (stbx and I) - two dwellings and not yet divorced, but impending... how would you suggest splitting the monthly expenses? We've been separated but in either a duplex or two dwellings in one house for over two years now. We've chosen to live like this because we have three children and feel that it's better for them if they have equal access to both of us.

Since the divorce is not yet in process... I know that what we decide on now may very well carry over into the divorce settlement. So, I want to be carefully educated.

H wants to split the expenses either 50:50 but is willing to consider 55% (him) 45% (me). If we split the house other than 50:50, he wants to get whatever percentage he puts into the house back when we sell, if we make a profit. For instance, instead of splitting the procedes on the sale of the home in the future, he wants 55% and for me to get 45%.

The issue for me is that his ability to pay is greater than mine right now. His salary is higher than mine. I would have tremendously LESS spendable income per month if I split the bills... in other words, I would be paying more of my net - or take home - than he would.

He does not want to determine how we split the bills based on ability to pay because he feels he will be losing money. Of course. He's the one who wants the D, you can see.

I'm torn... and frustrated. I know I need legal counsel and financial help. But, if he were to pay me straight child support it would be based on his income and my income. BUT, he doesn't feel that he would need to pay child support if we split custody - or share custody - both physical and joint.

What things do I need to consider? What are the worst case scenarios?

Thx for your thots...

Nic,

Go to the kitchen, get a cast iron skillet. If you think that will be too heavy for you to get a good swing, then get a regular large frying pan - I prefer one from Target.

Go upstairs. Bash him well over the head.

Then make sure that you convince him to pay 55% or more.

E

Child support is based upon your ability to pay versus his ability to pay. Even if you have equal custody, both time and legal, there will still be a difference because of your income. I currently earn about one and a half times as much as my wife, but we split the boys right down the middle.

Our child support is based upon how much it "costs" to raise two children based on our combined weekly income, insurance (which is free for me so not an issue), and child care costs. Then after a percentage is determined based strictly on our total versus separate weekly income, I pay the difference between how much I would pay if she had full custody, versus 50/50 custody. So if I would pay $100 and she would pay $75 a week, then I pay her $25 a week. Kind of weird since it would seem that I owe her $12.50 since that would put us equal, but that is not how our state determines it.

And regardless, I pay according to how much my boys need rather than some stupid bean counter formula. We figured out how much she needed in bills, then I gave her that plus extra for 'other" stuff. We essentially split our salaries right down the middle, or close to it. So I pay her almost double what the "formula" says I should. And I am happy to do it for my boys. NOT FOR HER. But funny things is, that even though we sat down and figured out all this and ensured that she had plenty of extra money each month and on paper she was very happy with it initially because it IS alot extra. She put her student loans into deferrment status, and should have an extra $170 a month just from that, she still says that she is broke. She blamed me for all our financial problems, haha.

Check into your state laws, because I really doubt that even at a minimum, you wouldn't be getting anything. My wife "thought" she understood it and freaked out, because she thought that it was based only on time, not income. So she thought that she would have absolutely no extra money from me since we were splitting time with our kids equally. This stupidity caused her to attempt to take my boys full time, 'allowing me access'. I told her absolutely not. And also told her to read the damn laws. I don't know if her lawyer didn't tell her (unlikely), she didn't hear (most likely), or her lawyer is an idiot (least likely). She also didn't learn anything about how child support works. She thought that it stopped as soon as she got remarried. Hmmm, wonder why she is worried about that.... couldn't be the boyfriend in the wings she didn't think I knew about.... anyway these two things in which she just "thought she understood" out of the blue, almost caused us to absolutely go to war over our boys. She didn't want THEM (my boys), she wanted the money they represented. She even said that she wanted full custody, but would give them to me whenever I wanted them. Come to think of it now, maybe I should have taken her up on that, I could have just paid her more, and been able to kept my boys all the time.

Now when it comes to bills, that is going to be tough with both of you being in the same house/tenance. For me, I would pay more, but I am not sure how you will have to do it. I am more of an altruistic kind of guy, and would rather her drop out of the picture and I will support my boys completely, so I have no problem with bills. But I do have a problem supporting her. (But she had 4 affairs and wants the divorce.) So in this instance, I have no good advice. I think that maybe you both would be better off being in completely separate residences.

This might also be better for your children, in that they won't have the tension of you being upstairs and him down, or one side or the other. Also, this will keep them from useing you both against each other with discipline and such. Access is great, but you are getting divorced or at least separated. That means that your family is changing and that you are no longer "together".

It just might be better for the kids to be able to understand that you truly are separated, not just changed bedrooms. I don't know, it might be more confusing with you both living so close. But then again, I took a condo just down the street from my old house. But we are completely separated and our children are at either ONE place or the OTHER. And it is very clear, that even though we are close and always available, mom and dad are separated and getting a divorce. No question for the boys to be confused about.

Make sure that you really understand the law and its effect before you make any assumptions and decisions. Make sure that your lawyer looks at it and explains all your options before you do anything. Make sure HE (husband)understands just what is entailed, and that regardless of time, he will and SHOULD give support for his children. It is for them after all, Not you. Make sure that you state it like that. It is CHILD support, NOT maintenance. That may be a better pill for him to swallow.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 06:05 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

another thing you want to consider before you let him talk you into the 55/45% deal is how long you have had your home. If you have lived there for a while and then just because you split things that way for a year he gets that much over all, that wouldn't be fair to you.
If I were you, I would consult a lawyer.

get a lawyer!

Hello...

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses...JTW, you KNOW that's what I'd like to do sometimes...! Where are you? How are you? We moved to DC now... so not so close anymore! Bummer!

Formerly Confused, you've given me lots to think about. I thank you for that.

I know what he wants now... and it will be a 45/55 split. We can't really back out now. We've purchased the house. I spoke to a few people (financial and legal) and will spend some more time figuring out my legal stance.

I don't want to spend my time "boxing out" a life for my own and my own rights... even tho I feel like he "did me wrong..." Anyway... thx for your thoughts.

Take care,
Nicole