OK, alot of you know this situation. Separated 5 weeks wife filed 4 weeks ago. 2 1/2 year old daughter.

She has been obsessed with internet dating. She is in a fog and trying to attach to anyone that says nice things to her. I love her and am STANDING. There is a protection order and I think there is a strong possibilty that she will keep it in affect until end of divorce (no talking or seeing) I am making the changes. Permanant changes.

She is still so bitter. Angry at me. I'm the enemy. She knows one of her internet men for 3 weeks and she is telling him he's sexy and calling him baby and honey??? She never called me those things.

4 weeks ago I bought her a new cd (her music taste) I put it in my daughters diaper bag with a note "saw this and thought you'd enjoy it...love alan" It never was sent back and she never said anything about it.

Last week I had my daughter. When I sent her back I put a bag of W's favorite gourmet coffee with an envelope attached with $100 in cash (not court ordered) I wrote a note that said "buy something for yourself, you deserve it".

These are the nice things i did before. This last 1 1/2 years have been up and down and she has given given given and I haven't. I know now what I can do......but she says IT'S TOO LATE. Married 3 years together 6 1/2.

Any ideas on what to do next? Anything or nothing? Or am I wasting my time. I don't think she will change mind. Very money money money. Shes mad when we split I took half the bank account and my clothes. She has the house. She was going to go to the bank and drain it. I got there first thanks to internet banking. Anyway she was planning her escape so I don't feel as sorry. She still has money to go to concerts with i-net guys.

I will continue to try, even if I might be wasting my time.......by the way coffee and money didnt come back! Nothing said. Do these little things work? We are coming into the winter (she is self employed) She will have 4 months with no business income. 2 rents 2 utilities 3 phone 2 internet biils cell phone insurances and much more. Will this have any bearing on her working on the relationship? My family is from here. She has only been here 4 years and her family lives 4 hours away. She also has no support people or friends. I'm worried she'll take our daughter. She is isolated and seeking relationships on the internet. She is a WAW and read the article in Divorce Busting. She laughed like it was a joke and not her. IT IS. SHE FITS IT TO A T. She might think she's not since I left the house.....like I had a choice.....she went to the courts.......I'm improving myself with counseling and more.

Anyway sorry to get off track. Again, Any ideas on little romantic stuff to do that she might appreciate? Do I mention I love you anymore or is this off limits to her right now?

I saw where you can order a poem in a bottle and send it "Message in a bottle" Very nice. She would like it before separation.......what do you think ......maybe a month down the road? With a letter that is not about love, but maybe friendship, admiration or missing her? Tell me right or wrong?

All I can say is that your should be specific and honest. Anyting else will be a disaster. Let her know how you feel and leave it at that. Ultimately it will be her decision. Respect that and she will respect you.

You have to walk the fine line between courtship and obsession. Do what is right and good for her and leave your wants to the side.

I'm probably not the best person to take advice from, but I offer it anyway.

Best of luck to you. If she doesn't come around, stay true to yourself and someone else will.

T

Alan,

I can feel your pain. I did all the same things when my husband left almost 3 years ago. No one gave me any hope. Everyone kept saying it was over and that he had free will, and gave me no hope.

I cried out for God to let me know His will and he sent me to this site. www.restorem.org

The testimonies were so great and I gained hope. The book was filled, almost all of it, with God's word. I have changed so much since I read what God had to say about what I was going thru. I now understand God's word so much better.It takes time for God to work on us. your marriage did not get like this over night and it will take time to heal.

When I let go and trusted in the Lord alone, things started getting better. My husband let the divorce expire. We are still not divorced. Our marriage is not restored but I know it will be. God has already changed so many things in my marriage. My husband goes to church with us and we do things together. We have a good relationship now but it took time. He had to heal from things I had done to him. Believe me we ALL hurt each other. No one is without sin and we must not hold one sin higher than the other. God is the judge not us.It doesn't matter if we are the BS or the WS, we all play our part in a bad marriage. Nothing is all one persons fault.That is why we must look at our sins and leave other's sin to God. Satan comes to kill, steal and destory our marriages. He will use whichever spouse he can. Don't be fooled, it could happen to any of us if our relationship with the Lord is not strong. Our house must be in order, His order.

That hate wall that your wife has put up around her has got to come down. You must show her love by the way you speak and react to her. Sending her things right now is not a good idea. She feels guilty when you send her things. Only help her if she ask. You must let her go and then be loving to her. Sending things right now says you are still holding on to her. I am not saying give up on her or your marriage. I am saying to let her go and let God work on you, her and then your marriage. He works ALL things together for good.

Once she stops being so mad at you then you can send her little gifts. After she believes she is "free" the hate wall will start coming down. Our spouses will not come back by being made to feel guilty or made to do something. Let her see that you are working on you by what you do and say.God is the only one that can get our WS to see their sins or mistakes. You work on your sins with God and things will get better. Never give up hope. Hope for what you do not see. Remember faith is believeing in or for things we cannot SEE.If we could see, then we would not need faith.
God wants you to turn to Him alone for your marriage.

I will pray for you. Please go to the web site I mentioned if you have not been there.

gentle

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>