Everyone on this board is having similar woes - but I today I feel like Miserynmissouri -

I just want to cry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ex is so smug, so controlling, so manipulative.

It looks like anyone can have an affair and leave their wife pregnant and then just leave with no ramifications at all.

What is the point of anyone even being married anymore, if when you're don being married you just pick up, leave and have no consequences?

I fact I get screwed because he has more student loan debt so he has to get more assets to even things out - because the judge probably won't let me pay some of the debt to get the assets I want.

I am now finding out how badly my first attorney was - can anyone here say malpractice.

But it would of course cost more money to solve the problem then to actually just let it all go.

This is ridiculous and totally unfair - yes I know life is not fair, but it still hurts.

The only saving grace is that if I cut my losses here then maybe I can refocus on the child custody battle looming. Because he is NOT going to screw the kids too.

I know that in the end, when this is all worked out, that he really won't have control over me - even if he thinks he does and thinks that he has won.

My heart just still breaks knowing that I just had a baby but now have to hand her over to someone else to raise. If I felt differently about it and wanted to go back to work - that's one thing, but I don't feel that way - I don't want her spending her day with someone who thinks she is just another kid. She is MY baby and I want to raise her.

Yes, I feel the same way about my other children too, so because of Ex's stupidity, I get to see my children for maybe 3 hours out of a 24 hour day, and every other weekend.

I would have rather not had then at all if I knew this was going to happen, I know it sounds horrible, but I did not suffer through pregnancy and carry the hopes and dreams of my kids to only see them half of the month. It's like missing out on a whole half of their lives. If I was noy going to see the kids half of the tinme then Ex should have had to go through half of the pregnancy - only fair.

Society has the wrong prioirities for sure and I honestly believe that at least in my state there is no legitimate reason to get married because the law treats you as two single people anyway, and we'll just see what happens to the kids.

This isn't a Catholic or Christian or marriage building attitude I know, but unless the MB principles are adopted and followed by people in the marriage then Harley is right, no one marriage is safe.

I must really be in an awful mood, but as an attorney I HATE injustice, and unfortunately reality trumps justice these days it seems.

Why can't ex just be one of those walk away dads and let me find some really good male role models for the children instead of makign our lives h*ll.

This is why God hates divorce.

Thanks for letting me get this all out, now back to valuing the property.

I hope that everyone else is hanging in there. K

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

Hi GIIC,
Boy, do I know how you feel. it is definitely not fair.
Hang in there... it has to get better.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

K,
Your statements are so unlike you that everyone will know they are just a vent.
Is it possible to find a job where you can work part-time? ie. Corporate Law, rather than in a practice.
Good Luck to you. My hearing was just canceled yesterday for the 6th time, and custody is the main issue. I can't plan for the holidays, so I don't know whether I'll get to visit my family or not.
Can you make the New Year's Nashville Weekend? It would be great to meet you.
Take Care and God Bless you and your little ones. You have been blessed to stay at home with them for all these years. I'm certain I'm going to regret going back to work and not enjoying their childhood.

I fact I get screwed because he has more student loan debt so he has to get more assets to even things out - because the judge probably won't let me pay some of the debt to get the assets I want.
You should not be held responsible for the student loan. It should nopt count against the assets/debt in the marriage. But, I'm no lawyer so...

If you both can come to an agreement as to who gets what, a judge will almost always go with that vs. him having to split everything because it is something you both agreed to.

I suggest you sit down & discuss it.

GIIC,

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of all this. I bumped into something here locally recently in the paper. There are Financial Planners that specialize in pre-divorce financial planning. This guy will actually sit down and help sketch out a more "fair" and equitable plan and even present it in court in graphical format for a judge. Maybe they have them in your area? The guy I met even did free seminars.

Good luck and hang in there,
Hopeless in AZ

GIIC,

Sorry for your pain. Oh, how I wish this type of thing didn't occur. There is justice, but just not right now. Do not hold out for it, continue living your life as well as you can. Do not let him take control of your life any longer. I agree, us docs should not have so much involvement of debt in the divorce, but that is how it is. Some people simply cannot do the right thing, regardless. I am walking away from our marriage with nothing other than debt and my car. Few odds and ends from the home.

I will NOT divide my loan debt because I take pride in myself. That is mine. The information that it paid for was built with my sweat and time. It is inside me, and I take pride that I will be the one that pays it. I do not expect anything from her in that arena at all.

I am sorry that some people don't have the dignity or the self confidence to do the right thing. I am sorry for you.

It seems insane that you should pay for his debt in any way, either with dollars, or by giving up assets. You do not benefit from his career now, unless you are going to receive alimony from his earnings. I presume the money he pays you is going to child support, which is what he would pay no matter what to raise his children.

K.

You are such a smart and lovely woman and mother. Am so sorry you are going through this. I am in same boat. X is trying to base alimony/child support on what HE MADE THREE YEARS AGO. laughable. He, as it turns out, didn't file tax returns for last two years...I wonder why? Just told me accountants were taking care of it. Being a stay at home mom like you, I believed it.

And it isn't enough to take the kids one half the time. He has to screw with you financially. Maybe he is going to these lengths b/c you are an attorney. I personally would fight the custody war tooth and nail. B/c GA is a fault state, yes a fault state, there would be no way in hades that man could have your kids half the time with that red toenailed thing roaming around. She's got her own snotty nosed kids to think about without yours being there.

Go to war my sister. It is a just fight. HE deserves the every other weekend thing. He chose her over his own family and the judge will see that. Justice may be slow in moving, but when it does, it will roll right over this guy. I am a bit mad too here, but it is b/c Austin brought son home monday with FULL BLOWN FLU AND NOW I HAVE IT. Been off of work for three days which I cannot afford. And you are NOT responsible for his student loans. Is your name on those loans OR ARE HIS??? My bro in law is a surgeon and that is definitely the point. His debts like that are his debts. Check into that idea Hopeful in AZ said. Sounds pretty good to me. IF they could present some plausible and decent proposal in court, any rational judge would take it for it lessens court time. Isn't that what judges want anyway? I am so sorry for your hurt. Wish I could just blink it away.

Just know you are in my prayers tonight. And stand strong for those kids...Please do that. Do not give up hope. Stop whatsoever communication w/OW/W about child rearing also. That is only between you and xH. And document everything in your daytimer. OW is gonna come out slinging that you have wanted her help with child rearing and that will be in her favor in court. Get a PI. Find out about this woman. There must be something. We already know about your xH. Stand strong and think with that sharp mind of yours.

BTW, my lawyer (one of them) works out of her home. She was an abused wife and does primarily d work now. She had to fight tooth and nail for her daughter, which lives with her full time. Take up the cross and fight this one battle. Use your brain to find path of least resistance fort the financial issues. Get that specialist if you can. But keep a lid on the custody issues until it is time for that to be the center of focus. Then come out punching and don't stop until you win, meaning that the kids are home with mom where they should be the majority of the time. I know they need to see their father, but imho, living with this new wife suddenly is very traumatic. Ever thought of obtaining a therapist or a psychaitrist to document how PAINFUL AND SELFISH the actions of xH are with your KIDS BEING EXPOSED TO THIS SITUATION? It isn't healthy on their part to do this to them. Damn selfish if you ask me.

I agree with just peachy in GA., you are a smart and lovely woman! I have been a lurker since my ex left me the first of the year and have always been comforted by your posts. Please keep fighting the good fight! My prayer for you is one I have often used: God, please uphold her in your Righteous Right Hand. Keep your spirits and your chin up, don't let that old enemy win. For if God is for us, who can be against us????

Ooops, sorry peachy...misquoted your name. Maybe one day???!!!

I agree with what has been stated! You will find that you are not responsible for his debt. This was a debt by his doing. Just like the credit cards. I paid off my credit cards, and closed them because of my WH (SNL). He used them illegally, did many times in the past, was okay to let him use it, and asked him when he used them to tell me. Well, he decided that he was just going to use them, and not say a thing. Glad my lawyers told me to cancel them, and pay them off. I paid them off with some money I had for settlement of a injury I endured.

Fight hard, this is the rest of your life you are fighting for. Not just for today, but for the next 20-50 years. What comes out today, is going to be the same later. I finally got that through my head, about a month ago. I finally got it through that he doesn't care about me, he wants his singleness, and find his soulmate again, and live a life of pleasure.

Fight for yourself, you are the only one that cares deeply about yourself, he doesn't, and your lawyer will help, but you need to help your lawyer to cut costs. I have given my lawyer plenty, to cut costs, but SNL has refuesed to cooperate. So the divorce cost is running high. Thanks to SNL.

Take care, and this is hard stuff. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So there, you see we are enemies to our WH.

Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!

This divorce stuff is truly the pits!

But I am doing all I can and then letting God do the rest.

And I am still so truly blessed in so many ways.

I just have to keep reminding myself to take things one day at a time and to work with God in all of this because He is not going to let me and the kids suffer at the hands of Ex. There will be some good to come out of this somewhere.

Just every now and then when Ex gets a little too SMUG and I think about having to be separated from my kids - and I do mean our kids- but Ex has never taken an interest in them before now, and IMO is not making the best decisions regarding them - and I get overcome with the seeming injustice of it all.

I will weather this storm too, just can't wait for some return to normalcy - I think I remember what that is.

The kids are magical and I have survived this far - so it should be all downhill from here.

Thanks everyone again. I'm hanging in there. K

GIIC {{{{{{hugs}}}}} I think I could have written that post verbatim! I read your post and felt torn apart inside. I know that feeling...the feeling that you are doing everything right and the one doing everything wrong is being rewarded. I have this little post-it note on my computer screen ...it says, "Stand up and do the right thing, even if you're standing alone." Some days I often wonder how I would have fared in court had I been a shifty and evil as him. I've wondered if I could even just for a moment lie just so that I could get child support on a regular basis....but it's not me. I'm not like that.

Many times I stand alone (well...not totally cause I have God and of course people like you supporting me on my very worst of days....) but alone in the sense that I am here struggling with all those emotions that he threw all of this away, fought me every step of the way and here I am down on the bottom fighting to breathe. Thing is GIIC.... it is perspective. HE doesn't have the kids wrapping their arms around him daily with sticky hands and grubby faces (hee hee)...he isn't the one hearing those precious new words or watching those wobbly steps (oh sure....but for a few captured moments when you get to cherish them). HE will NEVER be able to earn that or gain what you have already. He will NEVER had integrity...he will NEVER have pure, unconditional love...he will NEVER have pure joy... he will NEVER have all the things that really count in life. He may *think* he does, but believe me... he never will *get it* until it's too late.

Much love to you my friend. I send you my most positive thoughts and know that you are on the *good* side of all of this.

K...

You are the sweetest. I was unable to download the e card, but just want you to know from bottom of my heart that this is so very special to me. You are such a good friend. I am going to try to find your sending email address and write. Will do that later tonight. That way also when you're down, you can get goodies as well.

Keep your chin up. These times are indeed strange. Hard to make sense of any of it. I know. But you are an inspiration to me. You are so strong and although like me you hate people to keep telling you that, you are doing an awesome job.

I do in fact hate it when people tell me how strong I am. They did today at work. Kept saying "how well you are." "You are such a tough but smart cookie" etc. I just want to collapse from all of this pseudo toughness I have had to adopt. Goodness, I am just a southern gal, right winger and not in the mindset of being the primary breadwinner. WAs very happy and content just being a stay at home mom and wife. Then world turned upside down. One year later I am back in old profession and found myself state pres. of medical society. God sure moves in mysterious ways. It was as if He was saying to me: "J., now that you have to be out there again in the professional realm, go out there and make some kind of difference and show your son what you can do. What real love can do when put to the test." And I know we will both pass HIS test for us. We just have to believe.

And I am praying so hard for you guys. Praying that a miracle happens soon one way or another. I am just praying that generically. Please let me know specifically what I can pray for too ok? Sometimes I think specific prayer helps, but I am a bit too analytical sometimes. Do you guys have pets? With four kids, there must be pets. Our crab is still presently alive. he makes some noise. Been kicking around the gravel in his aquarium. he likes his little pool. Been sitting in it and eating. They look so wierd when they eat. Ok. I have to stop this now. THIS IS NOT THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL SPECIAL ON SALTWATER/BRACKISH CRABS. Definitely not their chatroom anyway. BTW, has anyone ever gone into one of the AOL chatrooms? I was just reading a bit about it. Don't want to enter one though. It was wierd. They had this meeting people kind of chatroom. There was one, get this--where you could MEET MARRIED PEOPLE. Made me want to get all sick all over again. YUCK. I am sending AOL a nasty letter about this btw. Like they are almost condoning affairs or something. Gotta sign off now. Son wants to go and eat.

I am so sorry. My husband left three weeks ago and I think he is bipolar, too. I opened a credit card bill today and found out he has subscribed to an Internet dating service!!!
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

We don't have any children, soout big issues are property. The house is a wreak and it is going to cost me anywhere from 5,000-10,000 to fix it.
I wish that I had stayed single after my 1st divorce.