Need a sounding board to ensure I keep moving in the right direction in this situation. I failed to meet my wife’s emotional needs. Though I thought what I did was best for my family, I often failed to keep the bank filled to overcome my shortcomings. My wife is a beautiful woman and our children precious to each of us. Yet our marriage is over for her and I am trying to find a way to win her heart once again.

When first told of the separation we spent many nights going over my many failures and her need to be independent and have space. The responsibility of our children turned 100% to me. Don’t be shocked by this, as it should have been there since my wife found her job. I am unemployed and my wife has found employment to provide for our family.

I still haven’t gotten on top of keeping the house in order. The kids are feed, loved and clothed (thank the Lord for hand me downs from neighbors).

We are attending marriage counseling to help me deal with the seperation and learn how to tell our children.

How do you make it each day?

<small>[ October 29, 2002, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Fallen Papa ]</small>

I think you're being awfully hard on yourself. No one is perfect.

The first problem, as I see it, is that your wife is turning to unqualified people to counsel her in her marital problems. I'm sure they mean well, but, well, it's not their life and if it all falls to crap, then it's no skin off their noses. I also feel that your wife probably does feel that she is shouldering the entire burden of the family and it's hard. My husband has been out of work for almost four months and it places a great strain on the family and the marriage. But it's one of those things that happens and you work through it.

I'm sure most men would be hard pressed to keep a house perfectly at first. I've been a wife and mother for almost 25 years and my house is not spotless and my kids eat white sugar and refined flour! <gasp> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If your wife is very unhappy with your housekeeping, try to improve it IF it needs improving. If it's only that you don't do it *her* way, then that's something she has to let go of. My daughter doesn't make her bed the way I do...but does it really matter as long as it gets made?

You say that you should have taken 100% of the responsibility of the children. But, if you had, then I feel the problem would be that your wife was feeling isolated and left out. That's kind of a no-way situation, huh?

Your wife will see when she moves (what about the kids?) that it's not the fun, easy life she thinks it will be. If she has the children, then she will have ALL the responsibility. If they stay with you, she will have to pay support on them and only see them occassionally. She probably won't like that either.

For now, try to treat her as a friend. Lessen your expectations on each other. Don't EXPECT anything from her and vice versa. For me, expectations often lead to disappointment. For example, if I expect my h to take out the trash and he doesn't, then I get mad. If I don't expect it and he does, then it's a nice surprise. If he doesn't, then I take it out myself.

I know this is long but there are many issues here. You must stop taking all the blame for the problems in your marriage. It takes two to tango.

Please post back and let us know how it;s going.

Thank you for posting FMD. My focus on the areas I am dropping the ball is also to ensure I pick up the slack.

<small>[ October 29, 2002, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Fallen Papa ]</small>

It is difficult but every day I make better is a better day.

<small>[ October 29, 2002, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: Fallen Papa ]</small>