Not much to say other than today I just feel very sad, alone and abandoned. This is not a good place to be.......I am sorry for the people here who are going through worse....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

are you still there?

yes

Waterbaby, I will be here for another 10 minutes, then I have to go to work. I will be back at 10 PM EST. Thank you for replying to me.

c++

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</small>

Hi C++,
It does seem like everyone is going through the soup more so than usual around here.
If you don't mind me making a suggestion... I would try to get with some friends and go out and do anything, anything at all... just to try to take your mind off of what happened.
I understand what you are going through, and it's not a good place to be.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Sorry you're feeling down in the dumps today.

It hasn't even been a week since you found out that the divorce went through, so don't give yourself too hard of a time.

There will be days and weeks of feeling low - but remember that there will also be days and weeks of feeling happy and those days will multiply and increase - especially as time goes on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there - and don't forget to take care of yourself through all this. You deserve it!

K

c++

I know it's a cliche, but the way I get through the tough parts of my life is to think that each day the pain will get a little smaller and hurt just a little bit less. On days when I am really down I find solace in writing. Just sit in front of your computer and get it all out. For some reason it is very cathartic to me. Seeing the pain reduced to words on a screen makes it seem smaller and less dangerous. I might also suggest getting out to do anything with friends.

Best of luck,

T

PS If it makes you feel any better, I my teeth kicked in this morning too.

Hang in there C++,

It is going to be tough, and tougher still if you allow yourself to become obsessent about it. I have no idea how I will feel when this happens to me, I am sure I will feel horrible. I hope that I will be able to handle it well. I know that it will happen, probably within a year at the most. So I am already steeling myself for it and I havn't even divorced yet.

We are here my friend. Let us help you with it, but one of the most important things that you are goig to be able to do is to stop the thoughts. You have to stop the thoughts and really work on thinking about something better. Go to a movie, that always helps me. It allows me to get lost for a while. Make sure that you stop the thoughts though. You will feel more comfort by beating yourself up and hurting yourself over this, but overall you will only tear yourself up. Sometimes we feel comfort in the pain, because we allow ourselves to believe that we deserve it or that if she only knew how much I hurt, she wouldn't do this.

C++, She is gone. I am sorry to say, but she is gone. You need to say this to yourself. You need to believe it. Holding on is ok, but you have to reach a point at which you allow yourself to let go. This is the time my friend. Let it go. Let it go. Just let it go. Stop the thoughts. Go out with friends. Don't obsess. You already have felt more than enough pain about this just since you found out. Now it is time to give up the pain and the thoughts behind it. The dreams behind it. You must work on moving ahead.

Take care my friend. We are here.

(((biggie hug)))

Hang in there. This is a bad spot to be in. But do as we have told you. What works is getting back into the rhythm of life. Go see the movie, out to eat, to church. Do the same things you did before. Go to the barnes and noble and get a really good book. I just re read a hilarious one and want FC to read it for sure before embarking on the carribbean--"Where is Joe Merchant" by Buffett. Do something for you. You know you are a better man. She just did not choose wisely in her life. They have to live with that. We don't have to live with those choices. Makes me feel so much better just knowing that I don't have to deal with all HE has to one day come to terms with. That is no longer your cross to bear.

God's blessings on you all. I have just walked in from work to find that my friends have been thinking of me all day.

waterbaby,Wallace, God is in Control, tryingreallyhard,Formerly Confused, notpeachyinga:

You have all shown me the meaning of love and friendship and I am humbled by that. You are all geniuses...I am humbled by THAT, too.

I am feeling a little better tonight. I sit here typing with a Grolsch Lager by my keyboard, getting a little more relaxed with each passing minute. I actually chose this beer, because I have started a small collection of bottles with the ceramic stopper and the lever on top....I have always thought that to be a very cool little mechanism....ok, ok, I know I am a geek!...

Thank you all, my friends,
God's blessings and my love to all,
cplusplus

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</small>

Hi C++Guy! Sorry you're down. Perhaps a look at the "Friday Funnies" on this Board might help cheer ya up. A little laughter sure helped me when I was down. Just a suggestion.
We're praying for you, dude.
Harold

(((((((((((((((((((((c++guy)))))))))))))))))))))

Hi, All:

Today feels not so good, even though things are not going too badly; Tomorrow I sign contract to sell jointly owned house (last tie to ex) and I may get a down payment at that time. I just feel so sad and I am ashamed of it.

I have been coding most of the day, when I was not doing laundry, and I got some good work done...now I just have to migrate some of this stuff to .NET. But sitting here in front of the screen with the code editor for company gets real lonely.

I did go to a friend's house tonight for 45 min. They are a married couple who have been my friends for years and years. It was hard to be with them, though, because they are happily married, thank God, and it was tough for me to be a third wheel. I suppose I just cannot be satisfied today.

Anybody out there who can say something nice tonight?

God Bless,
c++

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</small>

c++,

Perhaps shedding the last physical tie (the jointly owned house) will be more cathartic than painful. I'm sure it will hurt, but you might also get some relief of the closure.

For now, just go do something light. Look at it this way, you're 37 (young), it's Saturday night, there's bound to be something going on outside the walls of your house. Get dressed, get out and do something. See a movie, grab a beer. Eat some ice cream. Just go.

Go forth and be bold.

Besides, there's nothing good on HBO tonight anyway.

Often when I get low, I read a particular poem by TS Elliot, "The lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock"
For some reason it makes me feel better.

Here is a link to it online.

http://www.bartleby.com/198/1.html

Formerly Confused, I am stopping the thoughts right now..............thank you for the advice................c++

There is a quote that goes something like this...

"Sometimes we stare so hard at the closed door that we do not see the new one God opened for us."

I am guilty of that, but with each step towards my single again life, it does get easier. Slowly, and up and down, but easier.

(((((((((((((((((((((((VB))))))))))))))))))

Oh, and "Something nice!" Well you asked if anyone could say it and..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

c++,

Your sig line says 37 and starting over.

Wanna be like me and be 41 and starting over?

Starting over ain't going to be all that bad, my friend. I, like you, will be losing the only home that I have known since being married to the WW. Been here 14 years.

I've lost an extended family, too. My in-laws aver the past 14 years have been the greatest for the most part. I say the most part, because I sort of have been disheartened by them since I now know that they knew of the A the whole time.

I really had a strong, loving relationship with them after all those years. It's all gone now.

Not by my choice, but by theirs. They haven't spoken a word to me, and have ignored me since the day the WW filed, 06/04. I truly believe they are very ashamed, at least I hope that's the reason.

I watched my only SIL grow up. She was somewhat younger than the WW. I watched her grow into a young woman, marry, have a troubling pregnancy that her only son, who I am supposedly the godfather of, was born from. He weighed barely 2 pounds at birth.

I on my own desires, provided my SIL and her hubby with much needed finances during this difficult time for them. I knew they wouldn't leave him. He was in the hospital for a couple of months, and my SIL, who is a SAHM, and my BIL took even more leave from his job to help with the baby. I provided for them. I wanted to, and never asked for anything in return. I thought they were gracious.

Imagine how I felt when I learned that it was during this time that my WW's A started.

At their house.

They will not come around me either. I have not enjoyed my nephews company in a long time. The apple of my eye.

Not only have I lost a wife, I really feel as though I lost an entire family. Not once during those 14 years, and the 2 previous while we dated, was there ever an inkling of hostility between my ILs and me. I had the perfect in-laws.

Or so I thought.....

I think about the times over the past 3 years that the WW has sat at Mom's table, and fellowshipped with my family during holidays and the such. Not only did she deceive me, but she deceived them, too. Acted as though everything was OK.

I think about all the deaths that we suffered through. I remember all of the sicknesses, too. I remember her being so very compassionate.

I now know it was all a show.

She even commented to me once that I'll never know how stressful it was on her to play the loving wife thing. She truly expects me to feel compassion for her over that.

Sorry. I can't.

Now, it's over. It really is. Dv is imminent. Will be final in the next few days.

I am at peace, though. I can look in the mirror every morning, and know that I am looking at one of the most forgiving, trauma-enduring man I know. I see a man who was willing to give it all for another individual who had in essence thrown him to the wolves. I see a man who has endured more in 6 months than 100 men do in a lifetime. I see a man who was strong in his convictions, and is not a failure.

I see a man who can offer another woman more than she could ever hope for. More than most women know that a man is capable of. I see a man who has learned the best lessons, and who is going to put to use his hard-earned education in his next R to the fullest. I see a man that I am so very, very proud of.

The only greater man is my late father.

But you know what, c++? I learned that we will never see the sunrise, and the dawning of a new day, unless we go searching for it.

It will not come searching for us.

Lately, I have learned just how far from the game that I have been. I have had the opportunity to meet other people. People that I look at differently, now, and actually study them and try to find bits and pieces of things that I like, and would desire in my next R.

I've learned that I can still get that attracted feeling, and I am not uneasy when I get it. I have learned enough to not act on them this quickly, but I still have the capability of feeling it.

I am beginning to finally sense again, that I can sense that for some reason the other party enjoys me. I have had intellectual conversations with other females recently, that I now realize that I never had with the WW in 14 years.

I now realize that there is a whole lot of "little-girl" in my WW.

I have no children, but am at the point in my life where I desire them. The WW and I were making preparations for that near the end of our M. I know now why she wanted to go back to the birth control after deciding the time was right to start our family. She had convinced me that she had decided to live freely as we had just a little longer. She was only 29 at the time, and is now 32. At 29, I thought to myself, "Well...she does have 2 or 3 more years". She lied.

It was the beginning of OM. She couldn't take the risk.

It has always been a preference of mine, and will probably get flamed for this, but I desire somewhat younger women. Especially now. I do want to be a father. But...I would want to be in my next M for at least 2 or 3 years before my new W and I attempt it. I want us to "feel each other out", and lay a foundation to a strong R for our children before we have them. So...that causes me to look for a little younger than I.

But mind you, not very much. I don't think I could survive another 30-ish mid life crisis, and a young woman desperately trying to find herself while M'ed to me, and destroying everything in her path in the process. Don't want to live through hell twice.

Once was more than enough.

I had the opportunity to be introduced to a couple of females in the presence of my relatives, and had a very nice, meaningful conversation with both of them. I thought to myself that they seemed very mature for their age. I figured them to be in their early/mid 20's.

They were early 30's. I've been away toooooo long. There's some very sharp 30-40 year olds out there looking for a decent man.

They're looking for me.

C++, I bet there are a thousand times that you have wished that you could "try that again". Wished that you could "take that back". Wished that you could "Go back in time and do it differently".

You now can.

It's up to you to make it worthwhile. It ain't just gonna happen.

You'll never see the dawning of a new day, if you sleep through it. The night will just seem longer.

Be strong. Many have gone before you.

They did find happiness. You will too.

Boo

hcii, you are a smart guy. I am processing what you have told me tonight.

c++

Hmmm... guys, you know what? There are lots of women out there - women with and without battlescars. Decent, kind, loving women who would love some conversation and companionship. Wouldn't be in a hurry to jump in bed. Would love to chat at Starbucks or the local bagel shop. See a movie. Take in some community activity. A fall festival.

And unattached women are more likely to go to those things alone or with a friend than are unattached men.

If you get out and go do something - even if you do it alone and with no intention of meeting anyone - you will probably end the day feeling better about life than if you sit at home and do nothing.

Guys, I live in a city of 1.2 million people - if you take in the 'burbs around us. And I haven't figured out where the men hide. I think they hide at the football games that I can't afford tickets to.

And I'm older than you two, I bet. Get this. Younger men run in my family. You just might find a wonderful woman in that demographic. Can't blame you for wanting a younger one but, fellows, you don't live as long statistically so you'll probably die a lot sooner than she will.

Hello, cinderalla:

I was very much into the younger woman thing for quite a while, but for some reason, I am not sure why, I have opened up to the possibility of finding a woman older than I. My only real criteria are that we find each other reasonably attractive and that she loves me. I can see how I hve been hiding myself....I think that I'm coming out from under the covers to see who is there.............thank you,

c++

PS.......I'm going to live to be 110!.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</small>