My stbx and I had another fight about who was getting up first to take care of the baby when he got up during the night and when I told him off, he said "you're just burrying yourself deeper". Does he mean that he is going to use this against me in our divorce or is this just another one of those threats to try to get control over me again?

Just a question for you....Why does something like this have to be a fight or require the need to tell someone off? I don't know how old the baby is and I'm not saying it is totaly the mother's responsibility to get up at night with the baby, but it almost sounds like you guy's are argueing about who's turn it is to do the dishes or take out the trash. This is your baby you are talking about! Read your post again. It sounds like you are more concerned with his motives than the care of the baby. I don't mean to come down on you but your post rings of a much bigger problem than what it might look like it in the divorce proceedings.
Free

To protect yourself, I would log in a daytimer comments and behaviors such as his. My stbx used to do it all the time before in July he attempted to take me to court at a temporary hearing to try to (?) get custody of our son. It didn't work and his side stopped the proceedings b/c it would get them nowhere. But it cost a few thousand in preparation for that on my side.

When doing anything for your child where there is conflict, do not argue. Just say, this is your turn to care for our child and I will be happy to do my part when it is my shift. His comments are designed to keep you off balance. To control you. Just keep the focus. That is your child. I still believe he should leave the family home. This is causing you undue stress. What does your lawyer say? Is she/he being aggressive enough to do the right thing here? They have to. Or find another.

I don't think the person, well being as they may, has understood your previous posts. That is a lovely idea, and she will try that but she is IN THE MIDDLE OF A PRESUMEABLY NASTY DIVORCE WITH AN EXTREMELY EDUCATED MAN PLAYING HOUSE HUSBAND SO HE CAN GET OUT OF SUPPORT, ALIMONY, ETC. There are factors brewing I just don't think she understands. Plus is she going through this? Until you've walked ten miles in the shoes of a divorcing mother, you've never really walked. I am not being unkind, just believe she is misinformed about your situation.

You can't go easy on someone who has mal intent to you. Enough is enough. I want your M to work out but looks like it isn't going to. You have to protect you and the baby ok? I have put up with an entire year of mental abuse and games from my stbx and I've had enough.

babytoluv - I see this as a control issue. He was dominance over you and the baby. He uses whatever buttons he can to get you to break down. This is common with controllers. Yes, the baby was created by the two of you. Yes, this baby did not ask for this divorce to happen. Yes, this baby needs care. I would set up a plan if he has to live in the same house, and plan it that he has certain nights, and you certain nights. If he is a stay at home mom, and you are the breadwinner, I would compromise by saying, you take the weenends, and he does the week. After all, he can nap during the weekday.

My stbx was controlling me, by telling me I am wasting my money on the lawyers. I was the one who did this, did that, etc. It is control, and they are losing control and not likeing it one bit. They will use whatever words they can think of to hurt you.

My lawyers told me it was going to get tougher, and they were right 100%. There is no need for all this control, and anger.

Why is he living in the same house? And if he needs to live in the same house I would if possible, have him sleep in one part of the house. Put the baby next to where he is sleeping, during his baby time, and viceversa. There is no need for one to have to do all the care, but if one is not willing to contribute, then someone needs to take responsibility.

That is anohter aspect of all this. The responsibility gets unfair, and unrealistic.

Yes it is control.

Just wanted to say, "please forgive me" I have made a comment and voiced my opinion without being fully informed. In fact with the frame of mind I'm in at the moment, I shouldn't being posting at all. But I am sincere in saying that I am sorry. I don't think I understood your position like I should have to warrant an opinion.
The other replies are very interesting to me, as I have heard the same quot from my H. (that I am just burying myself deeper and deeper)
Please except my appology and I will keep my opinions to myself when I have know what's going on. I hope this does't sound sarcastic. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Free

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: Free Again ]</small>

Free...

You are so kind and sweet. And in fact, I've prayed for you. You are indeed going through alot. And you are doing so well. And YOUR OPINIONS MORE THAN COUNT. You are a kind and gentle person. We love you.

When dealing with a controller or a person who makes threats, it is only known how that person will most likely react based on past history with the individual. My stbx is very aggressive in business dealings. He has seen in some ways that our d is like that. So he has treated it as such. And you must make that decision yourself. But if they are threatening you, whether aggressively or as i suspect in your case, passive aggressive, take it seriously. Write the threats down. Take them to lawyer and ask their opinion. Tell of past behavior. Also ask the counselor you see about it. They are good judges of behavior. Can probably best tell you if it is a bluff or for real. I knew mine was for real. Sure was. But since I have stood my ground, he's backed off. Way off. But still tries to control at times.

Thanks for all of the great replies. Free, please post any time you feel like it. I value your opinion. You're right, my stbx and I fight over silly things like who takes out the trash. That is the kind of person he is. He is so petty and starts these types of arguments. If I don't take out the trash or turn on the dishwasher he gets upset at me. It is like living with Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hide. He is kind and sweet to everyone else but me. With me he is very argumentative. I try to be a good mother to my son. This is my first child and sometimes I don't know if I am doing the right thing. The baby does not sleep through the night unless he is sleeping near one of us. I tried the cry it out method but well, it didn't work out. I am just trying to deal with it and taking turns was one way that my stbx and I could handle it. I realize that soon I am going to be on my own and when that happens, I will deal with it but for now, I need his help and he is not helping me at all. All he does is complain.

Baby,

you need to realize that it does not matter what you do, it will never be right. You cannot please a controller. Is there any way you can get him out?

As long as you can keep in mind it is not you, but him, it will help.

He knows you are insecure, he plays on it.

You are getting stronger every day.

Hi again,
I have been out of town all week and just got home tonight. Your kind words made me cry. I, too live with a control freak. SWH is right. You can never please them. If you are perfect(which none of us are)it would still not please the controller. But one thing I have found, the better person you try to be to "fix things", the more controlling they become. And when they feel like they are loosing their control over you they tend to become more aggressive and abusive.

One day as I was hanging clothes on the line to dry, I noticed one of our cats had a bird. It wasn't dead but it was wounded enough that it couldn't fly. I watched the cat interact with this bird. He would let the bird get just far enough away that it would settle down to rest and then the cat would approach it and wound it just a little more. Then the cat would back off and let the bird go far enough away to feel safe from the cat. As the bird would then try to make his escape the cat would got back and attack it some more. He finally killed it. I was sort of spellbound watching this and all of a sudden I could see this bird as myself and the cat as my H. Now he would never admit to anything of the like in a million years, however I could see that this cat meant to keep his bird because it was his to do what he chose to do with it. He loved haveing this bird but didn't really care about the bird or what it felt. All of the times I have been emotionally wounded and needed my H to support me, he just added insult to injury. You cannot please a controlling person and I wish I had figured this out a long time ago. I always felt if I could just be a better person or please him more he would change.

You are lucky to realize this early in your life. I am a slow learner, it has taken me several years to realize I cannot cling to the hope that someday things will be different. He is who he is and I see that now. We rarely fight, but then we rarely even speak to each other. This is a very miserable existence I have. You will do fine with the baby without him. My H never got up once that I can remember with any of our babies. My kids and I are very close now and go to him for very little. It will be tough, but just thank God you are getting a second chance before years of your life are tortured.
Free