a friend e-mailed these to me yesterday. i thought they were kind of funny. i guess it depends on where you are in your recovery... read at your own risk...

MARRIAGE (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night......whether you're here or not."

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,"Here Lies
My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

MARRIAGE (PART III)
A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late.....doing what?" he asked. "Getting a second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six'?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"

MARRIAGE (PART V)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed
a piece of paper by the bed....it said "It's 5:00am, wake up." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ October 22, 2002, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: idostylin ]</small>

i know somebody here has to find this stuff funny. i laughed out loud to some of it, and i still have issues and feelings regarding my d...

but i did laugh...

Kim Kim Kim Kim KIM

Those are absolutey terrible. Actually when I read the one about the note left on the pillow I just about fell out of my chair.....

Thanks for sharing...

Later,

I too enjoyed them. Especially the one about the note. Thanks for the laugh today.

hehehehe!!

funny stuff, but bad, bad, bad!!!

thanks for sharing with us!!

--blueberry

i know they are bad, but in a funny sort of way. i know i could relate. even though i never did it, it still could relate.

it's the kind of being devious you would think of but never resort to... i guess i'm demented...

Kim:

As you rightfully point out one has to read these jokes at one's own risk. They are funny in a sense, but they are a little mean don't you think? I did laugh at a few of them so I suppose I might get categorized as "demented" too.

of course they're mean... and i'm bitter... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> so it goes hand in hand... that's why i warned... if you didn't heed the warning it's not my fault...

chucklechucklechucklechuckle

Hi IDOSTYLIN! Loved the jokes, thanks for sending them. I went thru one horrible Divorce back in '98 and laughter helped me get thru the bad times. So I'm still laughing, and I'm glad I did. Here's a few more back at ya!
PS - I felt this way about my First wife. I sure don't feel like this about my current wife. It all depends on your Wife - does she treat you with respect, or is it 'all about her' according to her??
Harold

Secrets to a Perfect Marriage )
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.

Women marry expecting to change their husbands.
Men marry expecting their wives to never change.
In the end, both are disappointed....

A man isn't complete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
LOL

DJTB:

That's hillarious. I couldn't stop chuckling at these. Keep 'em coming. Laughter could indeed be our salvation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Boy those were great. I'm still trying to make my divorce decision - think the 10:00 one might be appropriate for my WS.....

Idostylin and LogicallyIrrational, thank you - I am glad somebody else got a good horse-laugh outta these.
Idostylin, I believe you're onto something here with these JokeZ! We all need a few laughs and of course, so what if it's at the Ex's expense - after the He!! they put us thru we need to laugh some.
Perhaps we can keep this Thread going - let's see how many good ones we can put on it (marriage related, of course). Do I have any Seconds on it?
Harold

Here's another one - that's about it for my FunnieZ, we need more...

Cards That HallMark Never Printed... (The last one is one I made up, the rest of them I got thru the email, LMAO, Harold)
"Looking back over the years that we've been married, I can't help but wonder... What the hell was I thinking?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having married you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell..'til I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky and happy I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Someday I hope to get remarried, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike and human!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've divorced, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what do you say we call it quits."
"Ever since the day you left me, I've been so miserable, my dear. I feel almost as bad as I did when you were still here."
"You were such a good wife that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ....I'd miss you terribly and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday so we're having you put to sleep."
"Although we both had jobs and worked outside the home, we only needed one vehicle - I drove the car while you flew on your broom to work."

Ha ha ha ha. This thread is getting good. Let me see if I can make a contribution. All of the following are borrowed ones from E-mails:

1. A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce."
The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?"
The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

2. Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

3. After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks, "How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught
pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!
And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!
And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!
And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!
How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me."

Jimmy replies, "That's just the problem, Katherine! You're bad luck!"

4. You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

IDoStylin, I loved 'em. You're right - this Thread is gettin' good. Heard of some of these jokeZ but many are new ones too. Have a few of mine right back... Not all are marriage-related, but some are:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are: "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally ... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

**Laughter is the best medicine, it really is. Try it, you'll like it.**
DJTB (Actually, in the Kingdom Of Caerlon, I'm The Pied Piper, or Flutist...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />