Hello Everyone,

My previous posts were in the "Just Found Out" area, and sadly now I'm in this section. I was not in a position to do much of a plan A and plan B couldn't be done either. Instead I asked for a D on 10/17/02, filed 10/18/02, and my WS will be served today at her work (10/23/02).

She has been pretty numb throughout this process and I've been an emotion and physical wreck. I hurt for myself and even more for my two sons. They are the innocent losers in this whole mess.

WW and I are still in the same house because we want to slowly make changes for the benefit of our sons. We even sleep in the same bed although absolutly nothing sexual happens there. I know eventually one of us will end up on the couch - probably me - and then completely out of the home. The whole process is scaring me. I feel like 16 years of my life has just been killed - again. I say again because each time she had an A I felt like I was killed then too. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself and my boys, but it sure does hurt.

DAC2002 - I really don't know how to make you feel better - but I can totall relate - I was with my recently exhusband (divorced one month ago) for 19 years and I also feel like half of my life has just been ripped away - and I am having a hard time facing that fact and moving on... There are alot of people here with good sound advice that you can follow - but I just wanted to drop a note and say that I can relate and I hope things get easier - and just love your children and let them know they can talk to you about anything and be there for them... I have two girls and they know that even though Daddy left - that we both still love them very much - Good Luck...

Maw64,

Thanks for the reply. Your right about concentating on the kids. I take care of them more than WW and want them to be protected as much as possible. I lay down with them almost ever night for a few minutes before bed and talk, tell stories, or read books. I'm close to both. I've tried to explain how my love for them can never be broken, and the love their mother has for them can't be broken either. It is a different type of love than what their mother and I had. That type of love sometimes can be broken and in our situation it did, but no matter what my love can't be broken for my sons. I hope they understand.

I do question her sincere love for them since she was able to cross the line and sacrafice everything to have an A. This would include the willingness to lose her children. I'm not going that direction but I do question her sincerity.

Although there was an A, didn't you think of counseling to possibly try and save it? My wife filed for D and there is no A (that I know of). I don't want my D. My kids are torn up also. Hang in there.

I've been in IC and C from my church Pastor. I asked her again last night if she would reconsider going to C. Even if its not for me or the marriage, but simply for herself. She doesn't believe a stranger can help her and that if she concentrates on herself then she can change. I encouraged to reconsider but wouldn't force her to do anything. She is her own person and responsible for her own actions. I just want to make sure my sons are not in any awkward or dangerous situations.

Dac,
A month ago you were still wondering what to do about things. I take it she still shows no remorse?

Tell us what has happened since then and how you came to decide on a D. ( Note that you don't have to do so, I would just like to know what brought you to this point.)

I hope you are OK from day to day and able to cope with work, and the boys. I am sorry for your pain and troubles, I hope you have faith that someday you will feel good again.

Ss

Still Seeking,

Thanks for the reply. I will try to answer your questions as best as I can.

I finally realized that I married a person who never really existed. On the outside she is the same beautiful and talented women I knew, but on the inside (where it really counts) I learned that she could never meet my many needs as a husband and person, and that she would not allow me to meet her needs either. She pushed me away in this M almost from the beginning but I never saw the signs. Her first A hit me totally by surprise and she said she was surprised too. The second A doesn't surprise me because the environment was ripe for either one of us to it. I chose not to because I wanted to honor my marriage vows, honor God, and never have to answer to my sons that I had an A if they ever were to ask. She has a problem of understanding where the safety line is and I'm not going to be there for a third round. She said she never really loved me like a wife needs to for a husband and basically has been faking it all along. This sounds like fog talk but this isn't the first time we've address this subject. Once I realized she wasn't who I thought she was I came to the decision that a D was necessary.

She agrees with all I have just said. She feels that I'm a good friend and the father of her children. If that can be maintained then she says she will be happy.

Dac I just want to tell you that your story sounded alot like mine. My WW cheated on me multiple times through our 17 years of marriage. I also have two children S14 D9. WW wanted D I did not fought hard and long and I lost the battle. I too was a pysical wreck and thought that life was not worth fighting for anymore. One day I woke up and said to myself thats it no more feeling sorry for myself I am going to show my kids that they have a strong Dad and I will do what I have to to take care of them. Well I fought for custody and one year later I am now Divorced have custody of my kids bought a new house and things are very good for us.

Stand up and fight do what you have to do for your kids gain strength threw them. How old are your boys if they are over 12 years of age the courts will listen to which parent the kids want to live with.

Please be strong

Life is a battle do not give in

Carl

Carl,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really hope this wont be a drag out fight and I'm not seeking full custody. I still want my boys to have their mother. I also still want them to have me! My oldest son is 13. I heard that California courts do ask children 12 and older to talk about where they want to live. I hate that my son will have to do this. It is unfair that he has to be put into that situation. It is also unfair that WW did the things she did which brought us to this point.

My youngest son is 8. I fear that the courts will determine his living situation and it might not be to his liking - whether that be with me or WW. Scary thought.

You have a good attitude. If your wife has as much love for the children as you do, then the courts don't have to decide where the children live. You four can work it out.

My X and I may despise one another, but we're doing a good job with our son! I have custody but the X can see our son whenever he wants, and to recommend him so far he's behaved pretty admirably. I don't agree with X's relationship with "homewrecker", so my H, abeit begrudingly, is leaving her at her place during his time with our son (we aren't divorced yet.)Our son, who was petrified at first, is more relaxed around both of us, now that the stress and anxiety is gone, and seems to be doing great!

Did she know the D papers were going to be served?

If not, what did she say?

Dac, we are sad for you, but I hope you have faith that things can, and will get better.

It is going to be bad forever for her unless she learns to cope with what has caused her to do this, and it sounds like she refuses to do so. I can see recovery for you, but I can't see a future for her. I kind of hope you get the children, even if it would be dificult for you. It makes me sad to think they must continue to ride the roller coaster with her.

Hope you are doing well today, at least as well as can be expected considering where you are.

SS

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I did tell her that I filed for divorce and that she would be served at her work. I didn't tell her when because I wanted to make sure she was there. She would find a way to be missing if she knew when they were coming. I originally wasn't going to tell her anything but then I changed my mind. I was hoping that some communication is better than none, and this might help in the long run.

I feel things will get better - some day, but that some day might be awhile. I must keep my chin up, concentrate on my boys and me. I can only control myself and I will try to make myself a better person out of all this.

I'm really sad for my sons. I wish they didn't have to go through with this. Heck, I wish I didn't either.

Right now I'm emotionally and physically drained. Each day is a struggle. I would like to just stay in bed. Each day does bring me one day closer to the end of this legal marriage though! In reality I will always be married to her through my sons. As long as they are alive (which I want to be a long time) then I will have some kind of interaction with her. Less as the boys get out on their own, but still alot while they are young. I guess somethings can never be changed.

Dac I didn't suggest that you take full custody so that you can shut out your stbx from your kids life. What I am saying is that in my case I knew in my heart that I have always been the better parent I'm the one that took an active role in their lives wether it was reading bed times stories or playing an active role in their lives.
I will always put my kids first and my needs second. Not sure WW wife would do that so I took the responsibility of making sure that their lives would continue to go as smoothly as possible.

I wish you all the best ......stay strong

Carl

Just an update.

STBX and I are still in the same house. We are communicating well at this point. We have decided what to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. We are discussing a little bit about properity like the house and cars. I think she is now starting to realize how a 50/50 split of everything will effect her. In California we have a community property state and all assets get split evenly. She asked me last night does it have to be this way. I told her it does and that we both should face the fact that our normal financial lives will be cut apart from this point forward. She thinks that is unfair. I guess she should of thought what was fair when she kept sleeping with OM.

Anyway, we are trying to work on the property issues. So far so good, but I know we have a long way to go. The soonest we can offically be divorced is 4/19/03 so there is still plenty of time where problems might arise. I hope it can go well.

Hi DAC,

Just finished reading all the posts on this thread. It's overwhelming isn't it?

DAC, I'd love to chat with you offline. I'm going through a divorce also and am really struggling with how to take the first steps I guess. Would you mind emailing me at tover26@yahoo.com?

After 5 months of counseling, I just can't stand it anymore and things are getting worse. Maryland, my state, is community property as well. How do you divorce so that she gets served papers? I was thinking that my stbxw and I would go to a lawyer together and works things out... but that might be an overly-quaint notion.

Please email me. Thanks.

Lyxa,

I just sent you an email.

Thanks,
DAC