Those of you who have read about it before know. Quick rehash. I'm 45, my W is 42, 2 kids. D 17, S 8. Used to drink on weekends. Sober for 5 months. W still drinks very little. W told me in June to leave for 2 months to sober up and we would talk. I did and she said that after I left, she got comfortable with me gone and saw that I had been "controlling her" for our whole marriage. I find out she is in phone conversation with some guy for past 2 months. She says and so does he that there is no love. He says that he is trying to reconcile with his 2nd ex and is dating 3 women at same time. My W says that it is someone to talk to (20 times/day? between them). She is very angry with me and says marriage is over. D says she is wacko. She said she is not ready to forgive me and start to rebuild, but may be after the divorce. I am at a loss. I am still paying a lot of the bills. I love her dearly and I and children don't want divorce. Steve Harley said that probability of stopping divorce is low, but probability of saving relationship (reconciliation)is high. Any thoughts? I need help badly and quick. Each of us have one more individual session with Steve before D is final. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I forgot, we have been living together for 25 years and have been married for almost 22 years.

I know after reading the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", by Patricia Evans that I considered myself controlled. But that's a female perspective. Maybe you could read the book and see if she might have felt the way described. The book offers suggestions on how to counter the behaviors, but in your case, you seem willing to change.
Have you read about Plan A? It's about being the best person you can be. Years of an alcoholic spouse can have a huge impact on a person, now that you're sober, you are a different person.
Did you go to AA, did she go to Al-anon. These things may help you find your way back to each other.
Good Luck.

Newly: Thanks for the reply. I went to AA, then stopped because I was born again in mid-June and devoted myself to church. W had never said anything about being controlled. I made great money and lavished it on her. Sent her places with her friends whenever she wanted. Got her a breast job for Christmas and after that it went downhill. Did I set myself up? Could she be going through a phase? I would do anything to save it or start it up again after D. Could even do what I thought I would never say, forgive after an affair.