It's going on a year since divorce was final and I am NOT in the mood whatsoever to get into another relationship. But I miss the physical side (kissing, hugging, maybe making love) AND know I don't want anything close to emotional. I now know what guys are like because I am that way now. Help. Any advice from those who felt this way and have gotten through it?

Sorry,
no advice but only understanding.
I don't know your story but I am now 16 months after divorce and I also do not want anyone else with me except my ex. I know consiously we'll never be together again (he remarried with OW, has a son with her, our YD lives with them from beginnig this school yr....) cause he has settled down in completely different, new, better....life but....
I still believe he'll come to me some day and can't imagine someone else to hold me, kiss me , make love with me (or me with "him").
Like you I miss hugs, kisses, sex but only with my ex noone else.
People say I'll change my mind after some time, when I meet someone new, but I don't even want to meet a new man, I want an old ex to come back.

Hope for you , especially if you are young, that you'll change your mind (and with that, your life).
Wish you the best
D

I understand what you both are saying but I'll tell you what I decided when the end came. I had to first get her out of my mind which was fairly easy given the curcumsates but anyways I realized that if I was to have a life and possible get into a new relationship I had to get a life and move on. That means forget about the past and realize that life is not that bad and life is what you make of it. If you harbour feelings for the other eventhough they do not you are only holding yourself back. quit making excuses and get on with the business of life. If you can make something of yourself and show not only other people around you but the former spouse what you are made of and I bet you anything you'll be glad you did. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here.Life is too short as it is so don't waste what time you have left on this planet.

231

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: 231 ]</small>

I'm glad to see that others are not ready for relationships yet. My D is not yet final but I know I need some time to explore my own self before I enter a relationship again.
I've learned a great deal in the past year, and still know so little.
Good Luck to you all.

My therapist says "no new beginnings until there's an ending!". People who have suffered like we have have no business rushing into a new relationship. We need to re-learn ourselves, and learn to like ourselves, and learn to stand on our own feet and be proud of ourselves. Only then will we have anything to offer anyone else, only then will we not make the same mistakes. If we have another relationship, and if we don't it's ok, we probably will not be actively searching for it when it happens. Hopefully then it will be two healthy, happy people and the start of something more beautiful than WE have ever known...

I would rather stick my hand in a meat slicer than get involved with anyone new right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Seriously, 29P, I can't even begin to imagine a relationship with anyone but my ExW. I miss the physical side too, but I couldn't with anyone new. Not right now. Perhaps not ever.

Has

Guess I'm in the minority here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I love my WH dearly, but I don't think that if we are divorced, I'm going to sit around pining for him. Of course, common sense can't direct the 'speed' of recovery for the heart, but while I (at this point anyways) would prefer the man in my life to be my husband, I also realize that I love the idea of emotional connection and intimacy with a life/soulmate, and God willing, I will be praying for another man to share my life with. (Preferably a 'genuine' soulmate next time!)

I guess for me my WH spent SO LONG (years!) dithering between me and OW that I feel I went through a lot of the grieving process before he ever left! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I miss him cruelly at times, and will probably always love him, or the 'him' he used to be and COULD have been had he chosen to go the honourable route, but really, that man DOES NOT EXIST ANYM0RE! In reality, what he is now is one very human, flawed, SELFISH creature who left for a woman even MORE selfish and vile than himself. I don't want that - I deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

I am eager for a new relationship, but know that I need to wait on God's timing. I believe when He feels I am emotionally ready, IF that is where He wants me to be, I'll meet my man. I've already met a few men and quite enjoyed being 'out there' again. It'll happen I'm sure for all of us/you...when you are ready for it. If you aren't yet, don't sweat it - there are no rules to follow and tests to be passed. We all move according to our own rythems. Take care all.

If any of you saw Dr. PHil today, there was a woman wanting her husband back. She was waiting, and wasting her life wanting a man that did not deserve her. Of course this is only one side of the story (her side). The reality of life, is that the husband (like mine) who does not love me, does not care about me, does not want me in his life, does not want a marriage with me, NO MARRIAGE. This is where we have to move on. Dr. Phil said, you wait and wait. You waste your time on one person. Don't look at another relationship, look at your inner self and know that you are a good person. Look at what you can do, what you can have, what you love to do. This husband has made it clear he does not love you or the kids. This husband of hers left, this was the 3rd time. He left and this time she filed for divorce. The other times she would wait and wait till he returned. This time she still wants her husband back, but Dr. Phil saw the family and saw that the kids hate their dad, love their mom, but saw a sad mom.

Dr. PHil stated, start doing things you love to do. Make your kids your love, they were created out of love, and your love stands over them and protects them, they know their dad is a walkaway daddy.

Also, he stated that you are the only one that is going to protect you. I finally got this point today. My WH (STBX), he is SNL, doesn't care about me. Only in that he has to do what the court orders and otherwise, he could care less. The order of love is not there. With my WH, it will never be there. He found his soulmate, used her for conversation, used her to spend thousands on, used her over his family, didn't care whether or not he was talking to her while in our home, or out anywhere, used her for sexual pleasure, and in front of my kids called her munchkin. I now know, that he does not care about me. Only cares about me has a human of next door relations. So, like Dr. Phil stated, you are the only one that can protect yourself. So start protecting yourself, and move on.

I am finding this so hard, after 24 years of marriage, he did the hard deciision making, and I did all the managing of bills, money, paperwork, dealing with the kids issues, organizing, getting chores done. Now I have to do everything, and this is no fun. I hate it, wanted to share this life with this husband, of who he was, but not who he is now.

Dr. Phil said, that no one should get into another relationship until at least 2 years after their divorce is final. He said there will be grieving after the divorce. There is grieving during the separation, and pending divorce, and then another after the divorce. This time you will find your own identity. You will find friends and family. You will find yourself.

I believe right now, that I will never be in another relationship. I hurt so much, and I believe I will never trust another man in my life. To me they are all wicked like my WH. To me they are all out for themselves, and this hurts. Especially us BS's who gave our soul and body to our spouse, and they don't see VOWS as anything, and don't see us as anything but a human.

Talking with counseling, healing takes time, and you need time. Dr. PHil said the same. That is why he said at least 2 years, no serious dating. Don't even think of a relationship with anyone, until a 2 year mark after divorce.

We will all see. Who knows, what could happen, but I won't hold my breathe for anything.

I am a very private person, but needed some support from those of you who wrote back to me. I thank you very much because this time, on this board, I truly got the responses I needed.

2 years after a divorce before I go into the field makes sense. What hurt me so deeply and still does is that I believe my XH found NOTHING attractive or luring about me. He married me! Why would anyone who doesn't know me, want me in the future when my own husband rejected me?

And, I hate to admit this now, my best girlfriend who was the 3rd party?

I am not as messed up as I could be. I am a pretty cool cucumber. But the fact that I am here on this board shows I need to hear from you who have had your esteem broken down and your confidence.

Maybe that is what we all need -- confidence building from this board.

I, who used to be so confident about my sexual self, is now questioning if I EVER have anything that is sexually attractive anymore to anyone else because the person I married said or did things that make me believe I am a nobody.

Hi 29,

Two years is a great rule-of-thumb.

I don't talk much on MB anymore about my story because I've gotten some flack. I broke the rules. Maybe I am a fool, maybe I have a guardian angel...I don't know.

My H of 20 years had been gone (moved in with OW#2)for only about eight months when I started fooling around with an on-line dating service. I had not filed for divorce, H had not mentioned divorce. I had Plan A'd, Plan B'd...lost 50 lbs...well you know...the whole MB thing. OW was a woman my H had worked with for 20 years...I knew her and her children well, along with her ex-husband and various boyfriends. She moved her live-in out the same weekend H left me.

Can you think of a worse possible time for me to date?

I met on-line guy #1 and had a few dates but it felt really creepy. I lied to my kids about it which felt even creepier. After that, Lord knows why but I e-mailed on-line guy #2. That was almost two years ago...I lied to him about my marital status, told him I was divorced yadda yadda yadda. Lied to my kids about where I was going..."just running to the store kids" actually meeting #2 for coffee, ect.

Well, he and I are still together, he is the dearest man I have ever known. Truthful (almost to a fault:))honest, hard-working, and he truly cherishes me. I would love to be his wife someday in the future. My kids are crazy about him.

I guess it was pretty stupid, and I guess I was pretty lucky. I'll tell you, after years of being cheated on, lied to, being told the most ridiculous things in order to justify the affairs...(I mean, my ex made a list of the things I needed to change in order to keep him around..and HE was screwing other women!) anyway...after years of being treated like a nothing, someone coming into your life and saying nice thing (really really nice things) to you is extremely heady stuff. Thank God this man was true and sincere, because if he would have hurt me I tell you, I'm not sure what it would have done to me.

I can't give you advice, I didn't take the good advice of others who told me to wait. I did have a LOT of stuff to work out and it was wonderful to have someone in my life who would hold me and understand and listen to me vent. He never got sick of my complaints. It never turned him off to see me crying and crumpled. I'd like to think I could have been ok on my own, but I'm glad I didn't have to find out.

When someone comes into your shattered life, looks around and says "Who could have left such a wonderful woman as you? Who could have left such great kids? What else is there but this? This home, this family...I'm so lucky to have found you all." well, timing may be everything, but I wasn't about to turn away a man that helped us all heal and at the same time made this 44 year old woman pretty weak-at-the knees.

Just another view.

allison

Thank you, Allison, for taking the time to tell your story. I hope I can tell one on this board down the road.

My dream is to meet a cool guy on the ski slopes this Fall. Yes, here in the Southwest. I would love to meet someone who is as gun shy as me, but knows in his heart that he deserves better .... take care all.

Az - a dating line on the internet? Sounds interesting. Have you any insight about this dating service, are they ligitimate. I would love to have someone I can cry to, have someone hold me, tell me I am a good person, tell me that I am sexy (WH compared me to the OW - sexually), and my self esteem is going to take quite a while to get back to a resonable state. My OB-GYN was appalled to hear what my WH said to me. But WH does not see anything wrong, calls it biology. I just would of loved an apology, and concern on his part.

So yes, I would love tohave someone hold me, and let me cry on their shoulder. If you want, can you tell me what site you went on.? If you don't, that is okay too?

A few things...

Twentyninepalms: I've been divorced for almost 2 years now, and I also cannot see myself in a relationship just yet.

However, I have been dating, and I think that's a good first step...baby steps! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Who says you have to have a relationship right away? Who says you have to have a relationship at all? So I'm just "dating" for now...or at least I've been trying! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So far, the dates have been few and far between, but things are looking up. I dated someone for almost a month this summer, and I actually wasn't crushed when it didn't work out!

I had a date last week (which looks like it will lead to another), and I may have one tomorrow with someone new.

Nothing serious, mind you, and I'd probably put the brakes on anything that got too "relationship-ey," but I'm not going into these dates hoping to find my next wife...just fun and maybe a steamy good-night kiss! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Like you, my confidence was severely damaged by my divorce. I've found that taking "baby steps" back into the dating scene has been the best way to restore that confidence.

I'm not out there trying to find someone "better" than my XW, nor am I trying to "prove anything" to my friends. I'm just out there trying to have a little fun and maybe, just maybe get a second date!

Now, Ms. Allison...

You are so damned lucky I'm thinking of driving over to your side of town to have you pick my Powerball numbers!

Of course you'd never get flak from me over the way you handled things. I have a few thoughts about "the rules," but maybe those are best discussed away from here!

I'm just wondering how you made the on-line dating thing work for you...I've had almost no luck!

Feeling a little embarrased bringing this all back up again.

Maybe I just wasn't smart enough to be as gun-shy as I should have been.

29 - If meeting a great guy on the slopes is what you want I hope that happens for you. You know, there are a lot of men out there that have been wounded too and just want someone to talk to - someone that will be kind to them...just like us women.

Cry...ok, stop it. Believe me, regardless of what I thought at the time about wanting to meet someone, I was nowhere near ready. Cry, you are the poster child for not ready hon. It is wonderful to have all of the things that go along with a good relationship, and I'm not saying that it's ok for me and not you...but it's really not ok. I have put my b/f through so much with my insecurities and neediness. I didn't mean to come off bragging about what I did. It was stupid. Don't go on-line just yet cry...I don't think you are really over SNL yet. btw...my son loves those warhammers too, he is ammasing quite a collection (he's 15)

Jack..ok, I'll take that lecture anytime you're ready (over a cold one?) Feels kinda creepy to be giving out on-line dating into at MB though. Ok, I went to the site, picked a really cute guy and e-mailed him...you know, there must be a God, b/c I was so clueless I could have ended up in someone's car trunk somewhere. It will happen when it happens I know cuz I've seen you and you are cute and sweet and successful and as we "older" women like to say...."a catch".

What can I say...maybe I'm a MB failure, but I did try and I did everything to keep my marriage together...and I miss my family so much.

This doesn't get much easier for a really long time even if you are in a good relationship. You still have to go through all those damn stages.

allison

Hi you guys,

I simply can't imagine having another close relatonship with anyone else. Can anyone tell me why that is? I try to imagine sharing everything with another person (non-ex), but it just seems impossible. It doesn't feel right.

So, I've decided to fly solo indefinitely with no expectations of being heavily involved or even <dare I say the word> married again.

Where I work there are men all over the place (2 thousand of them), and being eyeballed and flirted with is somewhat a regular thing, but I'm just not interested. Again, can anyone tell me why that is?

I mean, I do look at them and smile back, but beyond that all I can think of is COMPLICATIONS and HEARTACHE.

I see so many here at MB that get involved 6 mos, 1 year or so after their divorce from a marriage of 15 years or better, and wonder how they get there. How they healed so fast. I wish I was like them.

I get worried sometimes, thinking I may end up alone the rest of my life. And I don't want that. But right now and looking into the future, I can't imagine seriously being with anyone else.

Anyone else feel like this?

Jo

<small>[ October 28, 2002, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by az allison:
<strong>Jack..ok, I'll take that lecture anytime you're ready (over a cold one?) Feels kinda creepy to be giving out on-line dating into at MB though. Ok, I went to the site, picked a really cute guy and e-mailed him...you know, there must be a God, b/c I was so clueless I could have ended up in someone's car trunk somewhere. It will happen when it happens I know cuz I've seen you and you are cute and sweet and successful and as we "older" women like to say...."a catch".

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, no more "cold ones" for me, but how 'bout a Diet Coke? Do you still have my e-mail address? If not, let me know.

As for the online thing, I guess I must not be doing the right things. I send out lots of e-mails, but the responses are as rare as great mongolian basketball players!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Oh, and thanks for the ego boost! Got any "younger" friends???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As to the topic "Will I Ever Want Another Relationship?"

Well, I had somewhat of a revelation this weekend.

I've been on a handful of dates since the divorce, and I had myself convinced that I wanted nothing to do with relationships for the time being.

Saturday, I went out on a blind date set up by a friend of mine (see the "Just One Good Thing A Day" thread for details), and I've changed my tune somewhat. Everyone I've met since the divorce hasn't even registered on my "emotional needs" meter...except for this woman.

I know it has only been one date (she's already told me she wants to see me again, btw), but something tells me that I could very easily have a relationship with this woman. She's sweet, funny, and we have just about everything in common.

The weird thing is that there is pretty much no chance that I will have that relationship...she's only here temporarily, she'll be leaving in February, and I don't care.

Whether we have something over the next few months or not is irrelevant. Because of this one date, I've realized that I can still have those feelings about another person. I really thought that part of me was dead and buried, but those feelings jumped up and have been ruling my life for the past few days!

I've also been validated as a person, since my date was easily the most beautiful woman I've ever been on a date with!

So if you're sitting at home, wallowing in your misery and thinking that you'll never love again,
you'll never be attracted to another person, and no one will ever be attracted to you, I say:

BULLCRAP!

You just never know when that special person will arrive in your life and show you just how much you mean to you!