My wife of 16 years filed an Action for Divorce last week. She does not like my historical behavior. I have been an excellent provider and given her most of life's comfort. However, to pay for these I have had to work like a dog (investment banker) in a very high pressure environment. So I have not been as attentive as I should have. We have three young children.

I want to save my marriage because I love my wife and kids. I am also concerned that my wife does not fully understand the financial and other issues involved. Any thoughts on how I can reach her. Time is of the essence.

Thank you in advance.

SG

Even though what I am going to tell you is not MB oriented and may not be what you want to hear, I beleive it is still worth saying.

First I would contact father's rights organizations to refer you to a good attorney that will fight tooth and nail for your rights and those of your children. Whether you like it or not, you will have to defend yourself against possible false charges that your W may bring up against you to enhance her case and get more than she deserves. Make sure your attorney asks for the sky (custody of your children and child support) so that her attorney will tell her you are not going to roll over and make this an easy divorce for her. Women that file for divorce expect their husbands to cave in to their demands without a fight, and for the most part this happens, but in those cases where the husbands do decide to make it a costly fight, there are many women that start to doubt that divorce will be the beginning of a better life considering that they will be starting in debt to their divorce attorneys. Some of these women even stop the divorce from proceeding and try to reach out to their husbands to give their marriages a second chance.

And second, research as much as you can on how divorce affects women in general. Many statistics have clearly shown that women fare worse economically than men after divorce. Print this material and give it to your wife to read at her leisure. She may or may not beleive the facts but at the very least she'll be left with nagging doubts about her economic future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Yes, I agree, you have to find a good attorney, to protect yourself. Don't let her control with the visiting of the kids, and all the ugly stuff that comes with a divorce.

I am a woman, that filed, but was forced into filing after the last straw. I was physically abused, and my WH tore my rotator cuff, and now I am recovering from surgery.

What TooMuchCoffee said about financially is true!
Your wife, will see that yes, women don't have a better life after divorce. It will be a hard life for 91% of the women out there, financially. Unless, of course they have a professional job, inherited lots of money. But most, like myself, will find it very difficult to live, a decent financial life. I attend counseling through battered wives, and my counselor showed me a scale of women who are divorced, and how difficult it is for the majority of us to live a decent life.

You can show her that you care and love her. But, speaking from experience on a my part, there is no one out there to protect you, only yourself. Your spouse will not protect you, they will beat you with manipulation, and angry words, and say things that will create hostile environment atmosphere. I was called such ugly names, hit and slapped after the rotator cuff injury, (of course my WH says I created it). Your wife is going to use whatever she knows to set off your buttons.

Find a good lawyer, and fight for yourself and your children.

sanegop,

If you realy want to save your marriage please go to this site and read the testimonies. www.restorem.com

My husband filed over two years ago and after I found the site above and applied principles, husband let the pretition expire. We have a good relationship now and see each other a lot. It depends if you want your marriage restored or want to protect want you believe to be your rights.I wanted my marriage more than all the things of this worlds and God has taken care of me very well.

gentle

I was also an investment banker (I am the wife) who was so pressured by the time demands that I let my marriage take 2nd place.

I changed jobs - at great financial cost - but it did open up a chance for my marriage.

After being separated 3 years (two children - now 11 and 16) we have been back together for six months and I can say the marriage is recovering and we are united in dealing with the difficulties of having a 16 year old daughter (sometimes I think the parenting challenges completely dwarf the marital challenges!)

Anyway, let some time pass, let her know she is #1 and vote with your feet. Be home more. As with raffles, "you have to be present to win."

That's what I learned.

Good luck.

Thanks for your responses. My wife's main concern is that I may revert to old form; i.e. not pay attention to her and say harsh things (verbal abuse). I let her knwo that I will not do it again- in truth she gave me a chance 7 years ago and I was good for about 5 years. Then due to the work pressure I did the wrong things.

My question is that when a spouse files for a divorce, can you really believe the answers she gives to your questions. Also, why not a second chance. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

You can have a second chance if she is willing to cooperate. My husband didn't give me a chance, cause he was done, said when he had sex with the other woman that he divorced me. He didn't want to reconcile, and to this day, he is done. Show your wife you care, love her, and go to counseling. That is the greatest admiration a woman could have. Good luck, I believe that youwill be given a 2nd chance. Work hard, and I wish you full recovery.

Hard Pressed52 - there are quite a few stories that a couple reconciled after divorce. I have heard, and am reading on another site about reuniting. The pressure of kids has played a big role in our life. Pressure of job and just not either one of us meeting our personal needs as well as being there for our spouse. This is typical of most couples, and if I had to do it over again, it would be so different. I would take time to meet my needs, and do things that I really liked. But I was filling the role of mother, wife, nurse, maid, answering service, financial budget, etc. Husband was workinghis butt off, and coming home and being with the kids. The worst part of our marriage, is I didn't feel like a special woman, I wanted to go out once a week, and just be with my husband and if it was going to Burger King and then walking in the park was okay to me. But my husband didn't want to, saying he didn't want the kids left with a babysitter. So I felt left out, not special. And the same went for him, but I did some special things for him, cause I loved him and still love him.

Make your spouse special, and do things that you need to do for yourself. Within moderation.

My wife does not want to give me another chance- not at this time maybe later. I am concerned that she is trying to be nice so as to get the divorce done. She tells me not to put pressure on her for the time being. In the meantime the divorce process moves on. So it sounds like lip service.

Finally, I can understand that my wife was unhappy for the last several years, but I cannot understand why she would leave and take my children. She knows that this is devastating for me but she is doing it anyway. Where is the sense. Is this generally a case of doing what's right for her regardless of the consequences. Pls share your thoughts