I can't guarantee that it's going to end up in divorce, but it sure does look like it. I don't WANT to get divorced, I want a strong and healthy marriage with my wife, but she is no longer willing to try.

BUT, I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either. And if my marriage stays the same as it is now, I'll WILL be miserable for the rest of my life.

Now, on to my question.

For those of you who have already been through this, would you consider losing all contact with each other a wise decision or not?

I know that in a previous relationship, I simply couldn't remain friends with her. I just wanted to heal so badly, and seeing her 'as friends' would have made the healing process last alot longer.

I don't want to be considered a jerk, by her or anyone else for that matter, but doesn't it make more sense, for MY well-being, to COMPLETELY stay away from each other?

Another problem that arises to me is that her father and I have become VERY close over the years. How do I deal with that????

Dan: I am sorry to hear that you are headed for divorce. My FJ was signed almost 2 months ago. It has been the hardest time in my life. Part of my survival has been to totally detach from my XH. We didn't have children so there was no need to stay in touch, thank goodness.

I think detaching and having no contact has helped speed up the healing process for me. We occasionally pass on the road and my heart starts beating real fast and I get shaky. It is just so much easier not to see him or talk to him. He has tried to contact me at work a couple of times and I have refused his calls. I have to protect myself emotionally now. You probably need to do the same.

I don't know what the answer with your father-in-law is. It might be hard to remain friends since his loyalty is to his daughter, but hopefully you can still be close to him. I hope everything works out for you.

Hi Dan,

I rarely come here anymore. My sig line tells my story ...

Much to my ex's protest, I cut off all contact. We have no children TOGETHER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , and his OW was verbally abusive to me to the point I resorted to filing an anit-harassment order against her.

My reasons for no contact are not solely based on the OW's verbal abuse but also because, like most, having any contact with him takes me back a few steps in healing. My ex continued to tell me he loved me and missed me up to our last convo. He'd suck me in to his triangle only to spit me out with each encounter.

Unfortuntely, there's no cookie cutter answer. If you don't have children and the trend is you feel "bad" after contact, then why suffer any longer? And as far as concern for ex's feelings, well, I'm not a mean person, honest .. but don't you think they are simply experiencing the consequences of their actions if you chose no contact.

Bottom line, I feel if having continued contact keeps you from moving forward with your life, aside from hopes of reconciliation, then you need to do what is best for YOU.

God Bless you in every way, Dan. I'm so terribly sorry you're going through this.

Much love and prayers,
Jo

My Story: Click Here - 4th Thread Down

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Sorry to hear you're going through this, Dan.

From my experience, I would have to go with cutting off all contact.

I wish that I could just cut my XW out of my life forever, but in order to maintain a relationship with my step-daughter, I have HAD TO see the X.

That fact has made healing a slow and terribly painful process. The problem, as I see it, is that there was no "clean break." No line of distinction between:

My life with her vs my life without her.

In other words, I haven't been able to completely close the book on that part of my life, and it has been a terrible emotional burden. It has been almost 2 years since the divorce, and I'm just now getting to the point where I can see XW without feeling bitter or angry towards her.

If I had been able to shut her out of my life completely, I feel very strongly that I would have been much happier a whole lot sooner.

As for your relationship with her father, perhaps you could explain to him your need to avoid contact with his daughter, and you could schedule your time together accordingly.

Hi Dan,

I devoice my husband in May 02, it still not final yet and he still calling me and tell me "love me...." and this really make me back a few steps in healing. Because when each other keep contact....it will remind me how he hurt me (he has an affair...and he is a acoholic). I feel very bad everytime we have contact, no matter phone contact, have a cup of coffee outside or even email.

So, now I choose no contact since 10 of Oct. (we don't have any children) How? the only way I can do is hang up his phone when he call me. I know, it is not a good way, might be very role. But I have to protect myself. I am a very weak person, things getting on and on like a cycle. I cannot hurt myself anymore. Enough is enough. I have been suffering for 4 years.

Of course, I will miss him sometimes, but what he done to me is really hurt. Then I understand no one can help me but myself.

Hope you understand what I am trying to tell you. No contact is better than ever.

Take care.
Gloria

Hi DanR. Sorry this is happening to you. IMHO, from my past experience and from so much of what I've read here on MB - YES YES YES - cut contact after the divorce, especially if you have no kids. Friends? Ha, what a laugh, or is it just a cruel joke? Who wants to be friends when you were once deep lovers? Don't do it.
IMHO, I left my ex in Alaska (by her choice, not mine) and I moved my freezing butt to sunny Texas where I met a wonderful Christian Lady - so, yes, I can only tell you that based on MY experience, I would advice you to CUT the Contact and if possible, move yourself away!!!
Harold

I would have to go with the 'no contact' option. It will help greatly in the healing process, and in getting re-aquainted with your single self.

I've been divorced nearly 3 years now, and the last conversation, and the last time I saw my XW, was as we walked away from each other at the courthouse. We have no children together, so I could see no reason to continue contact, nor apparently, could she. We split amicably, and I think, that continued contact, would have made the split harder. We divorced as friends, and the no contact has helped to keep it that way. I still consider her a friend, and hope she does me. One day perhaps, we may be able to contact each other, and remember what we had, and where we are now. I'm not there yet, and I doubt she is.

If you have no children, I honestly think, no contact is the way to go. It will act as closure for you.