I am 25 years old...been with my spouse for 9 years(married 4)...we are high school sweethearts. We have had numerous problems throughout our relationship,including control issues, emotional abuse, and his bad temper,but still managed to stay together through the years. We both work full-time jobs and we have a 2 year old daughter. With his job, he works alot of hours and weekends. I have had the primary responsiblity of taking care of our daughter...We seperated awhile back because I felt he didn't help me and didn't spend enough time with us. Since I have been back he has changed in alot of ways, except the occasional staying out with his friends drinking and still coming home late. He has become alot closer to our daughter and I know it would kill him to be away from her now.About 2 years ago, not long after our daughter was born, I became really good friends with a man, and it has turned into something more. Everytime I end this relationship, we end up seeing each other again...I could never tell my husband about this affair for fear of what he would do to me...I don't know if I love my husband, I feel we have grown apart in alot of ways, and it is more of a friendship now...I don't ever want to make love, and when we do, I just don't feel the same as I used to. Now he is talking about wanting another baby...I am afraid to leave, but at the same time, I am don't want to stay...I just want to be happy. We seperated about 7 mos. ago, and he agreed to change, and has done a good job, but I just can't seem to get my feelings back for him. I know that me and my daughter mean the world to him, but do I stay just so I won't hurt him???

((((((Jenaca))))))

First off, welcome to our little corner of the world. I encourage you to read the information on this site. Most of the people in this particular forum are either divorced or in the process of getting a divorce. You may also find that that the majority of the people here are the ones who have been cheated on. Your story hits pretty close to home with me. I, too, married my high school sweetheart and after being together for 13 years she had an affair and is now living with that man.

Personally, I’m a Christian who is very pro-marriage and very anti-affair. I’d like to preface any further comments with a quote from the book “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck

"Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised. Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair at that time, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to."....My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision."

That being said, no matter what decision you finally make I would recommend getting the other man totally out of the picture. You said that your husband is making progress yet while the other guy is in your mind you may actually fail to see what progress is being made. I would also recommend that you take this type of serious decision very slow and ensure that whatever you do that you are dedicated to it.

It is apparent that your husband is not meeting all of your emotional needs, I guess I ask if you are meeting his needs? Do you know what emotional needs this other guy meets of yours? If so, is it possible that with some help your husband could meet those needs.

I also encourage you to take a deep look at yourself and see what action you’ve taken to lead your relationship to this point. You indicate quite a few short-comings of your husbands but I’m sure you have some as well. As for this other relationship “turning into something more”, that was totally because you allowed it to happen. Again, no matter what decision is made, this is perfect time to work on yourself.

You definitely have some difficult decisions ahead of you. It would be great if you could get some professional advice. It really could be that your next relationship will fizzle as this one has without exploring some healthy alternatives to what is happening now.

As for the affair, that’s always a touchy one but I do agree with Dr. Laura. Absolutely no good, other than relieving your guilt, will come from telling him so why do it. If you do decide to stay and turn this relationship into a positive for all three of you then the guilt of days gone by is just something you’ll have to deal with.

Best of luck – Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

You are suffering (and will continue to suffer) because you have been a practicioner of dishonesty. Unless you end this addiction to dishonesty, it won't matter whether you stay or leave your husband for your lover, you are still going to be miserable.

Even though my last post to you was harsh, it was given in the spirit of good will with the hope that you would reflect on how you can begin to change your present situation.

You mentioned that you did not want your husband to know about your affair because of what he would do to you. If this is the case then you have to ask yourself why are you and your husband not in counseling to resolve this and other problems in your marriage?

I would recomend that you post your situation in the infidelity forums because there are many wonderful people (not to suggest that the people here aren't), including men and women like yourself, that will gladly give you their wisdom and insight.

Good luck and God bless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
[QBAs for the affair, that&#8217;s always a touchy one but I do agree with Dr. Laura. Absolutely no good, other than relieving your guilt, will come from telling him so why do it. If you do decide to stay and turn this relationship into a positive for all three of you then the guilt of days gone by is just something you&#8217;ll have to deal with.

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree entirely. To not reveal your affair to you H would be to live a lie for the rest of your life. Your H will be hurt and may decide he does not want to be married to you, that he cannot get over the affair. But, guess what, that is his decision to make, not yours. To not tell him is saying you don't respect his right to make decisions on things that affect his life. Furthermore, I believe very much that people who have affairs and never reveal them are prone to do it again. I mean, after all, you got away with it once, why not do it again?

Honesty is the best policy. Show your husband some respect, and don't lie to him anymore.
Michael

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

Jenaca

Hello. Im a FWS. I was the one that had the A and devesated my husband. I was in your shoes. Same feelings, little different scene. My H was a great and still is, husband. There were some things lacking and I felt he didn't hear me when I would tell him. I should of screamed louder.

The A nearly destoyed our marriage and it about killed me. I was lost and out of control. I felt happiness exsisted with the OM. The other man would make things all better for me. He listened, he acknowledged me, he spoke to me. Not true. I was living in a fantasy world. It was a getaway from a sad place I was in. Problem is I went from a sad place to a dark place. The Affair was W R O N G. I degraded myself and my husband. I sunk lower than low, however low that is, I was there.

I didn't know my left from my right. I lost all sense of anything that was moral and good. I lost my faith and everything else.

My husband found out about the A and confronted me. For me D-Day (Discovery Day) was the day my life was saved. It was a relief that it was found out and over with. Life was not easy at first. My H was angry and devestated. All that he knew and believed in was gone. He gave me one last chance and I took it. Its been a few years now and we are in recovery with a marriage stronger than ever. We have learned so much about each other. We are truly best friends and husband and wife.

I had to work hard to redeem myself. I did. I gave it my all and THENSOME. Once he got through the shock/anger and devestation and found his balance, he started to work on him too, then we came together.

I can't believe to this day I had the A. I can't believe I thought the OM would be the solution to all problems. I had the best husband and friend in the whole world in front of my face and nearly lost it. It has been hard work to recover but then nothing good ever came easy.

I dug deep in my heart and soul and worked my tail off to be the BEST person I could be for myself. I regained my confidence, self-esteem and more. My H made many changes too and we found that when people always told us we were meant to be, they were right and we could see why they said so.

Please listen. I know nothing makes sense right now. What you are doing is wrong. There is NO justification for it. You will pay for this worse than your husband will. Don't degrade yourself like this. Don't do it. Stop and break off all contact with this other man. Come clean to your husband, the burden lifted will make you feel better. Then tell him you love him, made a mistake and that your marriage needs serious work.

Course he will be shocked and angry but I hope you find the courage to try and do this or come up with a way to do this.

For your sake. Please do this. Deep down you love your husband I am sure but right now you don't like him very much due to his behavior. I understand that. I was there. I loved my H but I didn't like him and he wouldn't listen back then. He regrets that but I don't hold that against him. We are past that part.

You don't see it now but trust me that you will regret what your doing. I know right now it feels good to be cared about a certain way but tell your husband, come clean, give him a chance to be the best husband he can. You have a family together. Please try your best to get out of the affair. Its no good. Each time you let a day go by being involved with the other man, you sink lower and lower. Believe me on that one.

Please let me know how you are doing. Please know you can find support here. Please read this site its so critical to your recovery. I hope and pray you will come to me if you need help. I have been where you are and its not good. Nothing and I mean NOTHING good comes out of affairs.

Things won't be easy once this comes out but they will get better in time. I promise.

Maybe post your story, do a copy and paste, in the recovery forum or general questions forum. That would get you more responses.

Zoey

One more thing. Better for YOU to come clean to him then him to find out on his own or from someone else. I wish to God I had come clean that is my one of my biggest regrets among others.. but I was so far gone. I'm thankful my Husband found out and saved my life from that nightmare. PLEASE...after your husband calms down..he will know that you at least told him..That is worth alot...trust me.

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: ZachAndZoey ]</small>

((Jeneca)): what a beautiful name!

I don't know if you moved your post into another forum but I saw TooMuchCoffeeMan's plea for some FWS to respond to you.

Honey, you made a poor choice because you felt unloved. You thought your friendship with the other man would ease the pain, right? At least someone recognized you as sexy and appealing and lovable...

But you need your dignity. OMs are not nice people as much as we need and want them to be when we have an A. If you told OM you were going to confess to your H, I bet you anything he would disappear. Is that true love?

Your H has not met your needs. But you are faced with a decision. Have you given him a fair chance?

I can so relate to your not being able to end the A. It happened to me,too. Right from the start. I would tell, "OM, I can't do this. It's just going to hurt everyone." He would respond by turning on the charm, kissing and hugging and telling me lies like "It's not really an A. You aren't getting what you deserve. You need attention. Blah blah blah."

When I told him I was going to confess, he became invisible. I mean I have never seen him once since D-day.

You definitely must end things with OM. If you have a friend who knows what's going on and who can witness it, that might help. Or you may have to gather your courage and look into what your heart is telling you and just cut him off.

You also have to decide whether you are safe with your H. I believe you DO have to confess but if you are at risk of being abused in any way, again bring someone who cares about you (and NOT OM!) with you to witness it (although that will make it awkward) and arrange for a safe place to stay in the meantime--maybe a shelter?

All of us give our opinions here and we leave it to the person we write to to search their heart and decide what's best.

All I can tell you for sure is that you WILL be able to think straight after a short time AFTER you break things off with OM. He's just providing a second unhealthy relationship.

I hope I don't sound bossy. I can really relate to so much of what you feel and although I am blessed to be forgiven, I believe you really can build a new life whatever happens. My life is so much better now. I can hardly believe it some days.

We are here for you.