I've been married for over 3 years and I live light years away from my mother. We communicate by e-mail for the most part.<P>The situation is this: My ex-boyfriend has been living in my mother's basement for over 8 months. (I wasn't informed of this and found out by accident.) I didn't want to marry my high school boyfriend (for various reasons related to my parents divorce - such as his being unfaithful to me, lying, distrust, etc.) and hadn't dated him for at least 4 years prior to my marriage. My mother kept a close friendship with him even after we split up. And encouraged him to express feelings for me at the time of my marriage going so far as to tell him that he should be marrying me and not my husband. (She says this isn't true.) Up until now I've been on friendly terms with my ex due to the closeness of his relationship with my mother. (We even chose to forgive one another for past wrongs in our relationship but I'd still never marry him due to distrust.) I contacted both of them via e-mail to express my feelings about the situation. Neither of them responded favorably. Recently he did move out and now my mother is unwilling to acknowledge that the situation wasn't a healthy one for my relationship with her and my husband. <P>My primary goal was to express to my mother that what she was doing was hurting me and therefore our relationship. She now feels that I am a controlling selfish person and only concerned for my own well being, not taking into account her and her husband's feelings. She continues to address this as a problem that I or my husband have with my ex and not a problem between she and I. <P>At this point I'm at a loss. I want to have a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship with my mother but she isn't willing to compromise and communicate honestly. <P>Any advice?

If you live light years away from her, what difference did it make that she let him stay in her basement for a while?<P>I'm confused.<P>

Wow! I can understand why you are angry! I would be furious if my mother did something like that. I think that you need to explain to your mother, calmly, in a soft voice, how betrayed you felt by this action. Do you ever listen Dr. Laura? I do, everyday, and I know what she would say to that situation. It doesn't sound very healthy for anyone invovled. Explain to mom that she is a sweet person to want to help out an "old friend" in need, or whatever the reason is for him living in the basement. But there are other ways for her to go about this without making you feel so betrayed. Just use that word "betrayed" a few 100 times, and she'll get the drift.<BR>Now, may I be so nosy as to ask why your ex needed to stay in her basement? Realize that she was just trying to do a nice thing for someone, but it was not the right action to take. And your ex should have never taken her up on this offer to begin with. I would feel very betrayed as if my mom "sided" with an ex. And don't let her shake your decision in the person you married. If you would have married your ex, you probably would have been miserable and divorced in a year anyway. By the way, what does your husband say to all this? <P><BR>

Let's see...you live nowhere nearby, and so it's not like you are in her house a lot anyway. So, how exactly did her letting him stay there harm you?<P>Only in that you felt she was siding with him and somehow disapproving of the choice you made in your H, right? Your feelings are (should be anyway) under your control, not hers. You & your H do not need her approval, tho I grant you it would be nice. <P>You probably aren't going to be able to change her, but what you CAN change is the way you react to her...<P>When you continue to let stuff like this get to you, you are letting her remote-control your feelings...<P><BR>

The way she went about it was very secretive. The fact that he was living there was never mentioned even when she and I were communicating more than once a week. Her feelings toward him push my husband and I away from her and therefore we are unable to have an honest open relationship. Besides the point, who wants their ex-lover hanging around after their married. That's an open pit to fall in - never mind that I can't stand his character. Don't we all want our families to accept our mates rather than try to manipulate our lives with their preferances? He also had no intent of moving out in the near future. <P>Interested to hear your reply. AD<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>If you live light years away from her, what difference did it make that she let him stay in her basement for a while?<P>I'm confused.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks for your understanding. The reason he is living there is because "it's a mutually benificial situation". I'm guessing that he didn't get charged rent and worked in trade by watching the house and feeding the horses while my mother and her husband traveled. By the way, he has a prefectly great job as an engineer, deifnately not short of cash. <P>My husband is not impressed with this situation to say the least. Luck for my family he's a very patient and loving person but is prone to speaking his own mind at will. I've chosen to handle this problem and leave him out of it as much as possible because it's a relationship problem between my mother and I. AD<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TigerLilie:<BR><B>Wow! I can understand why you are angry! I would be furious if my mother did something like that. I think that you need to explain to your mother, calmly, in a soft voice, how betrayed you felt by this action. Do you ever listen Dr. Laura? I do, everyday, and I know what she would say to that situation. It doesn't sound very healthy for anyone invovled. Explain to mom that she is a sweet person to want to help out an "old friend" in need, or whatever the reason is for him living in the basement. But there are other ways for her to go about this without making you feel so betrayed. Just use that word "betrayed" a few 100 times, and she'll get the drift.<BR>Now, may I be so nosy as to ask why your ex needed to stay in her basement? Realize that she was just trying to do a nice thing for someone, but it was not the right action to take. And your ex should have never taken her up on this offer to begin with. I would feel very betrayed as if my mom "sided" with an ex. And don't let her shake your decision in the person you married. If you would have married your ex, you probably would have been miserable and divorced in a year anyway. By the way, what does your husband say to all this? <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Some of your questions could be answered by reading the other replies but as far as to how it harmed me... She and I are unable to have an honest open relationship due to her medling and secrecy surrounding this situation. <P>My feelings and choices have not been under her controll for over 10 years, which I think she has a hard time dealing with. She has basically made my ex-lover her son since he and I split over 6 years ago. This isn't an appropriate family situation, especially considering I'm married. <P>Would you want your spouse's ex-lover at all your family gatherings? Would you want to hear all about your ex's life everytime you talk to your family? Needless to say, my husband doesn't. <P>You are right, I'd like my mother to accept and approve of my husband. (which she did do when we were just college buddies) But moreover I'd like her to respect my marriage and my choices. Even if the situation is never resolved I think that respect is in order. AD<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>Let's see...you live nowhere nearby, and so it's not like you are in her house a lot anyway. So, how exactly did her letting him stay there harm you?<P>Only in that you felt she was siding with him and somehow disapproving of the choice you made in your H, right? Your feelings are (should be anyway) under your control, not hers. You & your H do not need her approval, tho I grant you it would be nice. <P>You probably aren't going to be able to change her, but what you CAN change is the way you react to her...<P>When you continue to let stuff like this get to you, you are letting her remote-control your feelings...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

angry daughter,<P>In my experience with having both a son and a daughter, who are both married, housing a former girlfriend/boyfriend in my home would set off a bomb like I can't imagine.<P>The way I look at it, if I want to continue to have any kind of relationship with my adult children, grandchildren etc. , I as their mother I know that allowing an "old relationship" of theirs live under my roof, I would be axing my relationship with all of them. Your mother must be willing to put your relationship with her on the line. She is sure "showing" you and your husband. Obviously she has made her choice, she lives it daily. I don't care if you live next door or thousands of miles away from the situation what she is doing is NOT RIGHT, PERIOD!<P>All we parents have this "dream person" in mind for our kids to marry but that doesn't mean that is who they grow up and fall in love with. Your mother is beyond ridiculous and seems to be in it for her own ego gratification while knowingly hurting you and your husbands relationship. You've got a stand to take as far as I'm concerned and I wouldn't blame you one bit.<P>I'm with you kiddo!!!<P>Peace,<BR>Ragamuffin<P>P.S. <P>TigerLilie....I'm with you on the Dr. Laura reference, I'm also listener.

You miss my point. I DO agree that, ideally, she should not have done this...<P>My point is that while you can tell her it makes you uncomfortable, you can't control whether she changes or not. She probably won't.<P>You can control whether you react to it or not. Your choice is whether you let what she does drive you crazy, or simply say "you know, this is what she's chosen to do...maybe it means my H & I won't come visit her, but that's her choice, and I'm not going to waste my time and energy stewing over it."<P>Many times manipulative people (which she sounds like she may be) get their payoff by doing things that they know will get a rise out of someone. Act as if the situation is important, and it will likely escalate its importance. Act as if its no big deal, and chances are good it will become that way...<P><BR>

Okay, there are other ways to help each other. He could come by and feed the horses, and stay when your parents are gone. But the thing that makes it even worse is that he makes great cash!!! I'm with Ragamuffin on this one-it is totally wrong and disrespectful to you. And you probably feel like your space has been invaded and your mom is "siding" with the enemy. Have you explained all this to her yet? <BR>It sounds like your H is a great guy, so don't let this situation horn in on your marriage.<BR>Your ex, well, that's a different story. Why is he still hanging around your parents? Is he trying to hold on to some piece of you? If he is, then he needs to let go and realize that you have moved on.<P><BR>[QUOTE]

Yep, I've explained my feelings to my mother. She doesn't seem to think that they are valid. I'm not exactly sure what my ex gets out of the deal but you're right, it's time to move on. I guess I'm most annoyed with him because I'd never do this to his family. He has a great mother of his own who lives just 20 minutes up the road from mine. At any rate, my husband and I are at peace as much as possible with my family situation. From here on out I guess we have no choice but to distance ourselves from my family and that is what I was fighting for all along. Thanks for the support! AD<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TigerLilie:<BR><B>Okay, there are other ways to help each other. He could come by and feed the horses, and stay when your parents are gone. But the thing that makes it even worse is that he makes great cash!!! I'm with Ragamuffin on this one-it is totally wrong and disrespectful to you. And you probably feel like your space has been invaded and your mom is "siding" with the enemy. Have you explained all this to her yet? <BR>It sounds like your H is a great guy, so don't let this situation horn in on your marriage.<BR>Your ex, well, that's a different story. Why is he still hanging around your parents? Is he trying to hold on to some piece of you? If he is, then he needs to let go and realize that you have moved on.<P><BR>[QUOTE]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

You are right. I can't control what she does and at this point since I've shared my feelings there is nothing more that I can do. I am at the point were I intend to make my peace with her and the situation as much as possible but not change my view. I have to love her for who she is. Unfortunately it was my trying to ignore the situation and acting like it wasn't important that got me here in the first place. I spent so many years acting like it didn't bother me and never expressed my true feelings about it. When it escalated to his living with her I just knew that I couldn't sit quietly any longer. Thanks for your advice. AD <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>You miss my point. I DO agree that, ideally, she should not have done this...<P>My point is that while you can tell her it makes you uncomfortable, you can't control whether she changes or not. She probably won't.<P>You can control whether you react to it or not. Your choice is whether you let what she does drive you crazy, or simply say "you know, this is what she's chosen to do...maybe it means my H & I won't come visit her, but that's her choice, and I'm not going to waste my time and energy stewing over it."<P>Many times manipulative people (which she sounds like she may be) get their payoff by doing things that they know will get a rise out of someone. Act as if the situation is important, and it will likely escalate its importance. Act as if its no big deal, and chances are good it will become that way...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thank you! It's great to hear from someone with married adult children. I really appreciate your perspective. <BR>I don't think that my mother thought the situation through before acting. She was interested in what would best meet her needs and didn't consider anything beyond that.<BR>You are right on the button about the dream person. He was the one in her book-and that feeling seems to be shared by other family members as well. Unfortunately they didn't witness the flip side of Mr.Dreamy and I did. <BR>It was my parents divorce that really showed his true character, so I guess I should be greatful for that. After doing a bit of reading about mothers and their realtionship with their sons after the loss of a husband to divorce or death (on this site) I think I might understand the situation more clearly. I suppose that it's possible that he took the place as son in her life post divorce and she is reluctant to let that go. <BR>Regardless, it's time to see the situation for what it is. Thanks for your support! AD <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ragamuffin:<BR><B>angry daughter,<P>In my experience with having both a son and a daughter, who are both married, housing a former girlfriend/boyfriend in my home would set off a bomb like I can't imagine.<P>The way I look at it, if I want to continue to have any kind of relationship with my adult children, grandchildren etc. , I as their mother I know that allowing an "old relationship" of theirs live under my roof, I would be axing my relationship with all of them. Your mother must be willing to put your relationship with her on the line. She is sure "showing" you and your husband. Obviously she has made her choice, she lives it daily. I don't care if you live next door or thousands of miles away from the situation what she is doing is NOT RIGHT, PERIOD!<P>All we parents have this "dream person" in mind for our kids to marry but that doesn't mean that is who they grow up and fall in love with. Your mother is beyond ridiculous and seems to be in it for her own ego gratification while knowingly hurting you and your husbands relationship. You've got a stand to take as far as I'm concerned and I wouldn't blame you one bit.<P>I'm with you kiddo!!!<P>Peace,<BR>Ragamuffin<P>P.S. <P>TigerLilie....I'm with you on the Dr. Laura reference, I'm also listener.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>From here on out I guess we have no choice but to distance ourselves from my family and that is what I was fighting for all along.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Exactly. It is a shame we can't always make others see (or care) about the way their actions effect us, but how you react to it is up to you. And, at this point, you are probably right that keeping your distance is the best solution from your end.<P>Good luck.<P>Kathi