This past winter and spring my wife had an affair... I tried everything to save our marriage... everything... I finally had to get on with my life.. and am now having a great time... I divorced her in July and am really starting to heal with thanks to a lot of you. I now have another delema? I have a beautiful 21 year old female that is very bright and plans to go to grad school after she graduates this coming May... My question is at 32 am I too old for her? She is very mature for her age and I love to be around her. She has a smile that could light up the world... let me know what you think... remember I have no kids and am strong financially.... thanks for your opinions.

Mr. Hurt,

I would be the last one to rain on anybody's parade, especially after what we've all been through, but I'll throw out a couple of questions for you to consider.

Do you really have similar tastes? In music? recreational activities? Can you relate to each other's favorite movies, moviestars? Will you be wanting to settle down at age 35 and she still want to party? Will she be looking for a younger guy as you get older - 11 years is a big gap - not impossible to work, but it does put you almost a generation apart.

All I know, is that there are lots of people out there, and you should only date those who make a good mate(my mom told me that). And you know the MB drill - the infatuation will fade, and if you're not sure, better to end the relationship sooner rather than later - it just gets harder. Otherwise you will both not be able to meet each other's needs - and then you know where that road goes.

I know, probably not exactly what you wanted to hear but those are just somethings to think about.

K

I must agree with GIIC,

I have thought alot about this question myself. Not the exact age but what ages I would even really consider. I know that each person has to find what is really comfortable, but I absolutely agree that it is not NOW that you must look at, but 5 or 10 years from now.

While ages shouldn't matter, I would really be worried about this age gap. Mostly because of her rather than you. At age 21, I am sorry, but I don't care how mature they may appear, they are only 3 years out of HIGHSCHOOL. They have very limited maturity because they have very little experience. I am not trying to rain on your parade and she may be your perfect match. But just think for a while. Does this girl really understand what she wants? Can she comprehend the potential future? You understand so much more about how things work simply because you have been there. But she can only understand through what others have told her and what she "thinks" she would do given the situation or circumstance.

I don't know, and as GIIC states, I wouldn't want to rain on your parade. But really think about this. I am 34 and have pretty much set an 'artificial' age limit of 28 to 35. My wife is currently almost 5 years older than me chronologically, but is stuck at about 17 years old emotionally. Personally, I want someone who has found out who she is and is comfortable with it. That way, when I look at her I can see who she is, not who I want her to be.

I was attracted to my wife because I was much more mature than my age. I have actually always been 'older' than she was, even with our age difference. I thought that because she was older, that we had more in common than the girls my age. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Even now, she acts so much younger, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

I would be very careful and as GIIC says. Look for a mate. Someone that you really 'THINK' is a match, not just feel infatuated with. Personally, I think that this is a dangerous situation for you both. But who knows.

Mr. Hurt,
It is understandable that you feel good when you are around this young woman. For one, she is attractive, outgoing, and seems to understand you well. With her openness and friendliness, she meets your emotional needs well. Or so you think.
I used to be sticklish about age differences between couples. Not anymore. As far as I know, this may not be a big deal. I have had meaningful discussions with women in my age group (27 - 35), and some of them do prefer older men for various reasons.
However, my concern is the short time you are giving yourself. For one, you divorced just 3 months ago, after less than a year of problems with your previous marriage. I don't know you, but I can say from experience that you are not seeing things as you should. You are still hurting from your previous relationship. You need to give yourself some time to heal.
If you must marry this woman, make time your ally. Be with her for a fairly long period before you marry (2 years post-divorce is standard). If after this period you still feel about her the way you do now (and her you), then by all means go ahead and marry. Your decisions would most likely stand the test of time.
In my observations, many marriages that end in divorce would never have taken place, if the parties had given themselves enough time to make good decisions.

Go slow, really, take your time and make sure you have lots in common. My ex is 5 years younger than me, and boy does she act like it, ha! maybe I should be more realistic, she acts like she's 20 years younger than me! Don't let new love put blinders on your eyes, and please DO HEED what GIIC and others have posted in reply - be careful and look for potential problems you two might have. Myself, having been burnt like I have, decided I'd NEVER date a woman younger than me ever again. But that's me. Please be careful.
Best wishes for you, and God bless you.
Harold

If my 22 year old daughter were dating a 32 year old man, and one who was recently divorced to boot, I would be extremely upset. I would certainly do everything in my power to convince her that it was a horrible idea.

My H who is 38 left me in July for a 21 year old. I just turned 40 and we were married for 9 years with two children. I believe that he fell under her spell of attention and doteing that she gives him. The only thing that I know they have in common is music. They currently live together and she does not work, so he is paying all the bills. My H still keeps in contact with me via phone and email every week. So I guess I am meeting those other needs that she is not giving him. It's not sex either, we had a great sex life. With an age gap of 16 years, what does an older man really think they will get out of this relationship besides 'ego stroking'? Perhaps you can shed some light on that, I don't mean to rain on your parade either.. But it makes no sense to me.

I'm going to tell on myself here, but I think it would be relevant....

When I was 19, I got involved with a 31 year old divorcee. I was pretty advanced for 19, but I can tell you that I was completely out of my element, and wound up being badly hurt by the entire experience.

No matter how mature she may seem, unless she is incredibly mature and wise for her age (or you are incredibly immature for yours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) she runs the risk of being hurt also. More to the point, you run the risk of hurting her deeply - even though that is the last thing in the world you want to do. After about 25-26, things start to even out maturity-wise and age ceases to become such an issue. But until then, she is still just a kid!

For what it's worth,

Has

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I would suggest using some of the tool here (questionaires) to REALLY find out what you have in common. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mmmm...

I'm going to have to kinda disagree with the advice you've been given, Mr. Hurt...with a few reservations:

I don't know what your intentions are with this woman, but remember that you've just gotten divorced! You're probably not ready for a serious relationship yet, and this looks like one of those "rebound" things, but as long as you don't have any high hopes for the future of the relationship, I'd say there's nothing really wrong with dating her. JUST DATING!

I also disagree with the notion that you have to be constantly searching for your next wife. That's putting the cart before the horse, IMHO, and running headlong into another marriage could bring you right back here in a couple of years.

As far as the age vs maturity argument, I've known a couple 21 year olds that were more mature than some 35 year olds I've known!

So (with the caveat that it's probably too soon to start dating again) I'd say you're probably okay with dating her. JUST DATING!

Well, there is one in every crowd, and I guess I'm it in this thread...

I suggest forgetting the age difference. Just go slow. I believe that most (accent here) people really find out who they are around 23, and that is only if they have been thrust into the real world at the age of 18-19. Being a divorced male and 32 myself (and probably going to be divorced again soon), I would like to think that I'll remember who I am now when my daughter is old enough to make the decision your female friend is making. You WILL BE concerned as your relationship progresses. I say that not just because I went through the same thing, but because it is human nature. There are special issues that arise from relationships with this age gap. This doesn't make them bad, and in fact can make them even more wonderful for both of you. Above all things, my (albeit worthless) advice is to trust your instincts, and don't hide the feelings you get from them. That's what I learned from my first marriage. I used to discount my concerns that she was having an affair as the result of insecurities. As it turned out, I may have been insecure, but she was having affairs, and even after I knew and indicated a willingness to fix the marriage she refused. Sounds like you may have had a similar experience. I believe the heart does learn, and is not completely blind. Trust yourself, and enter the relationship knowing what can happen. Talk about your feelings and concerns. Make her prepared, and give her options.

That and a few bucks may get you a cup of coffee...

-David

I have a beautiful 21 year old female that is very bright and plans to go to grad school after she graduates this coming May...

When you said this, I thought you were going to tell us something more about your daughter.....

I just turned 33. I would have nothing in common with a 21 year old... other than a few obvious things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You asked for Moms help? I'm a Mom, tell the kid to play with her little friends and leave you to adult matters. Sorry.

Gosh,

There doesn't seem to be much support for you dating her!

The main thing to remember is the answer to your question: "Is 21 too young for 32" IS:

Depends on the 21 year old.

My aunt is 11 years older than her husband and they have been happily married for 15 years.

If you have fun together, if you enjoy your talks and if she makes you feel good about yourself, GO FOR IT.

We are not talking marriage yet here people, we are talking about DATING. And there's no reason there couldn't be a viable future for the two of you.

Go, have fun, pick up the phone and call her.

I will agree witht those that state she is too young. Just look, she just graduated from high school. She is now in a teenage environment, with peers her age. Have you ever thought that she would be looking at you with father eyes, or maybe saying on the side, look at the handsome gentlemen I found. You know, the way you said, you are financially OKAY, does she know this.

If my 21 year old daugther were dating someone of your age, I would red flag this relationship. She has not experienced life, gone to school her whole life, never had a real job, has not been explosed to the real world, has not dealt with adult situations, this woman has lived a sheltered life, always under direction of teachers, to professors, to living a single life with roomates, to doing her own thing after classes.

Yes, she may seem mature, yes she has a young body, nothing has fallen yet, but do you realize if you were to marry, she probably wouldn't want chldren right away, she has a career she is working on, do you want to disrupt her career for family. Does she want to disrupt her career for family? What is going to happen when she is in her late forties, and you are hitting 60's. The gap is wide, and is there the willingness for her to slow down to your speed.

I would say, let it go, and work on yourself. Don'[t get involved into any reltaionship for at least 2 years after divorce. Yeah it feels good, but she has so much life ahead of her.