I have two boys, 3 and 7, and the oldest one has just started to show signs of difficulty with the D the last couple of weeks in school. Nothing major but the school counselor will be talking to him starting this week. My boys were at their father's this past weekend for their visitation and my ex asked the oldest what would make him happy and my son said he wanted to live with his father. My ex and I discussed this and I told him that obviously he misses him very much but this is not an option. Plus, separating the boys would be wrong on top of it. I just found out last night from my oldest son that the reason he wants to live with his dad is because his dad has video games and he has more fun at dad's house (Disneyland Dad). Then he said he would rather live with his grandma (my mother) because she is more fun than both of us. Can my ex take this to court and win custody? I am thinking no because I know that both of my children are doing really good with some minor adjustments they are making. It has only been a little over a year since their father left and less than that since the D. I really feel their best interests are being done presently. Plus, their dad remarried a few months ago and is planning to move next summer. I was going to talk to my son about this some more and let him know that living with his dad is not an option and explain to him about the way custody and visitation works but if he wants to spend more time with him that me and his father will figure something out. How does that sound? Am I off track? I am really frustrated and upset about all of this. I feel like my ex is still trying to control me.

Any input will be helpful.

Thank you,
Kathy

I just read info on this over the weekend in the book, "Helping your kids cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way". They even gave ways to discuss the types of custody with your kids. It's highly unlikely that he would get full custody.
Pick up the book.

^
Any input? I am really stressed about this.

Kathy

I wouldn't worry too much. If H tried to take kids, and you said no, he's have to go to court, a mental/custody evaluation will be ordered and usually the recommendation is to leave the kids in their familiar circumstances.

If you are truly stressed, please talk to an attorney about your rights - there is no substitute for that - but it is highly unlikely imo that you would receive less than 50% custody - you'd have to be a drug dealer or something for his father to take him.

K

(((((((Kathy)))))))))

I posted to you this morning then that dag-nab server through me out. Anyway, I don't think that you have anything to worry about.

1st, I know of no court system that will allow a 7yo to voice his opinion and make a ruling based upon that opinion. 2nd unless your X could prove you unfit or that your beating the kids then it really shouldn't be an issue.

That being said, I'm all for BOTH parents being totally involved in the children's lives. If you want to work something out with the X to give him some more time here and there, that's awesome. I would recommend trying to just come to an agreement on this and not take it through the court system.

I'll tell you what I told the stbw that he does have rights as a father but he doesn't have the right to get control the situation through threats and intimination. And don't sell your rights short either.Like G in C says unless he can prove you an unfit mother he hasn't a snowball chance in hell in taking the kids.

I doubt that he would even try to take them over this point. I didn't hear you say in your post that he has threatened you with court, just that you are somewhat worried about the thought that he might be able to do it. I think that the best way to approach this is as you are doing. Don't attack, and don't be defensive. Be proactive with your husband. Ask him how he thinks the children are doing overall, and what things he thinks would be helpful in their lives. Put him in the picture rather than try to take him out, and I bet you that if you don't come across as inept or aggressive, I bet that you will be pleasantly surprised. I know that there are idiot husbands and wives out there, but I think that most truly want what is best for their children, despite the idiocy of some of their actions.

Maybe if you bring up the fact that your son likes being with his father, and that maybe another sleepover day would be helpful. If it truly is only because of video-games, then you will have to find some reason for which they want to be at your house. My wife has the Playstation 2, and that is about the only reason that my boys say they even want to go back to her house. We watch TV rarely at our house, we read, play charades, wrestle, tickle, do homework, color, etc. etc. etc. We don't have video games at our house, but they are wanting a Nintendo from Santa to be here. I am not sure about this, but this may be your easiest route, as much as I hate to say it. But if you really believe that your children are best met at your house, and that is the draw to his house, then maybe, (I can't believe that I am saying this) you should get a game console.... AAARRRRRGGGGHHhhhhhhh..... That really hurt.

I hate the thought of 'bribery' and 'giving in', but it is how you do it and how you portray it to both your children and your husband. Maybe if you told your child that it would be a good present for Christmas or whatever, that would put more happiness in your home. Oh this just kills me, because I really do not like video games etc, but you need to look at the big picture, and just because it is in your house, doesn't mean it has to be on all the time. Playing video games and watching TV are the only things that my boys talk about doing at their mom's house. I wish she would do more with them, but she never has, and I don't see that changing in the future. But they love her, and I know that she loves them, and I will make up for their lack of stimulation at our place. Maybe it is more of a 'vacation' being at her house compared to the 'learning experience' of being at our house.

Who knows, but $200-300 is alot less than a court hearing, if that will get this stopped. Now please understand that I don't really agree with what I am saying in principle, just that pragmatically, if you look at it as getting what is best and what you want, this may be the simplest answer.

Just thinking out loud.

Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it.

newly - I did get that book and I am reading it profusely right now. Thanks for the suggestion.

GIIC - I honestly believe that my ex is still trying to control me in a way, still trying to hang on. I will not back down, I will not allow my children to live with him because I know that their best interests are being served right now. I know that my boys are settled into a routine and they are doing very well.

LostHusband - I am going to sit down and talk to my 7yr old this weekend and try to explain the custody and visitation situtation and how it works. I know he misses his dad and I have no problem at all with working out more time with his father. I don't want to take this to court at all but if he pushes and wants our 7 yr old to live with him then that is where it will end up. I want to work things out and I will do what ever I can to stay out of court, it will only end up hurting the boys in the long run.

231 - I keep telling myself he has no chance to take the boys because I have done nothing wrong. I am a very good mother and my boys are doing very well, why take them from a situation that is working for them?

Formerly Confused - The court issue hasn't come up yet but I am preparing myself because I have a weird feeling my ex may push it that far. I hope and pray not but I need to be prepared if it comes around. I have told my ex that the 7 yr old living with him wouldn't be a good idea and that it wasn't an option but I don't think he is really hearing me. I am concentrating and focusing on my boys right now and I am not bringing this up again. If my ex wants to bring it up again then we will discuss it. Until then, I will continue to do what I am doing. I have also thought about maybe getting a game console and I am hitting myself for it too. I know my son loves video games but I also know that that is just about all he does at his dad's house. If by chance Santa Claus brings a game console, there will be rules at my house. I don't like my children watching alot of tv or playing alot of video games either.

Thank you again for your input!

Kathy

Kathy,

I'm just trying, in my mind, to figure out how you explain custody and visitation to a 7 yo. The 7 yo knows that he has a mom and dad that love him. I guess I'm just a little concerned about this thinking that the 7 yo may take things the wrong way.

Having joint physical custody this is not a bridge that I've had to cross, so I'm sure that there are many more qualified than I. But what I do know is make a monthly color coded calendar with the days they are with mommy and the days they are with daddy. I also put all their scheduled appointments and other events on the calendar to include my X-Law's birthdays.

Maybe I'm just a worry wart and rambling on here, but I do ask you to think carefully how you talk to him about this.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

LostHusband -

I am a little lost myself about this too. My 7yr old needs to know somehow that just because he wants to live with his dad doesn't mean he is going too. I don't know, a part of me is to the point of just dropping it all together. Thing is, I don't know what my ex is saying to our son and that concerns me. I will not approach my child about any of this until I can figure out what I want to say or not say or even say anything at all. I am thinking too that he may take something wrong or react differently than I expect to something I say. He hasn't expressed wanting to live with his dad with me, just to his dad. His dad isn't helping the situation, he seems to think that the minor problems our son has had in the last few weeks will be cured by our son living with him just because our son says he wants to. My son is happy and I can see that and I know that uprooting him and making changes in his life is not the answer. I think I am just going to drop this altogether and if my ex brings it up again I am just going to tell him we have discussed this and you know how I feel about it. I really don't have a problem at all with both boys spending extra time with their father but I feel their best interests are being met now and they don't need any changes.

Thank you for your concern, I am taking some second glances at all of this.

Kathy

Kathy

I completely understand your concern. I have a 6yr myself. In order to stop feeling like your ex is controlling you, you have to not give him the opportunity to. The next time he brings up your son's wish to live with him confront him with why he feels that way. Ask specific questions to find out exactly what your son said and what he was doing when he said it. Stand up for youself and the well being of your children. If he truely is missing his father, you and your ex need to discuse it with your child together with as much love and understanding and come up with extra time when he can see his father. Be very careful not to let your 7 yr old play the two of you against each other. I don't know what State you live in, but most states won't remove a child on the basis of the childs wishes until they are 9 yrs old. Look into it and then relax and enjoy the time you have with your children. Trust in the love you have for him and let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk about anything.

dana31