I am a married 24 female I dated my now husband for 4 years before we got married. We have been married for almost a year now. He always told me in the 4 years we dated he would never get married again and never have anymore children. He has 2 children from a previous marriage. Well he asked me to marry him 4 years into our relationship, I told him that I would marry him if he got a vasectomy reversal so that we could have 1 child, he agreed. He said that he shouldn’t hold bad experiences in the past out on me. So we got married October 2,1999 about a month ago I brought up the subject about him getting the vasectomy reversal done because it takes about 6 to 8 months before the procedure is done because there is such a long waiting list. His response out of the blue was well I have decided that I don’t want anymore children and You can accept the 2 you have now (Which are my step children) and stay married or get a divorce. He is 33 and I am 24 I know I still have plenty of time to think about children but I don’t know what to do. I do not want to hurt the kids feelings I have been around them since they were 2 and 4 and I just cant walk away from that. But to me if I stay with him and say I don’t want a child would be a lie. I really want 1 of my own and I’m just torn on what to do! If I left now I guess it wouldn’t be as hard as later down the road. But the thought of hurting those kids really Hurts me and I do not want a divorce because I Love him very much and we have a good relationship. I just feel that he is being very cold to me and not giving me any other choice because he knows that is what I want most. Those kids love me like I was there 2nd mother, they tell me they love me and are very loving to me and I treat them as if they were my very own. I would appreciate some advice.

jwheelus,<P>Well, It seems to me you have gotten married under false pretenses. He just wanted you to take care of his kids. You on the other hand wanted to have children. I personally wouldn't fight it. <P>I realize this is marriage builders, but this isn't a question of lost love. This is an issue of two people wanting something that is very 2 sided and only one can win. You cannot be a little pregnant. So I would suggest that since you are so young that you file for divorce.<P>One thing you will realize as you get older, is that there are many "soulmates" for you. I doubt that you have done much looking since you have been with H since you were 19. <P>As for his children, it is truely sad that your divorce will hurt them. However, you apparently are more concerned about them losing you than your H is and they are his children. I presume that their biological mother also helps raise them, so they will not be without a female/mother influence in their lives.<P>jwheelus, many marriages are worth saving, but it seems to me yours is not amoung them, given the two different views on children. You cannot fight this and it really isn't an issue for compromise. You were manipulated by your H and lied to about something that is very fundamental. Move on.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I can sympathize with you. Went through a similar with my second child. I just explained to him, sometimes over and over, how important this was to me. It was not fair that he make this decision on his own as it affected my happiness. I expressed to him that i could agree but I would become resentful. When he stood firm I told him that I needed to seek counseling to learn to deal with the loss and the resentment as this is important to woman. You deserve to experience the love of your own children and the pleasure of carrying one. You are young maybe you could try and work on it for a while, find his reasons and resolve them. I agreed to take on most of the burden, and cost if I had to. We had one child, if I had had none I would not have stayed as the love of your own child is something you should not give up on. Good luck