Today I signed the divorce papers in hopes of reaching a settlement before the court date on Monday. I then opened the mail and had recieved a letter from stbx's lawyer.....saying that if I don't drop the no contact order he will fight me for custody of the children. Until now, custody has not been an issue.

Even worse, when the children came home from their visit tonite, they were very upset. They said "daddy says if you don't drop the no contact order we will go to live with him". They were very clingy and anxious as they don't want to live with him, they are happy with just visiting.

There is no way he will get custody, but still, this is really fighting dirty and is hurting the children in the process. He doesn't want them, he wants to get revenge against me for getting out of his control. Of course, my lawyer is involved in this, but any other suggestions or encouragement would be appreciated.

Presumably your "no contact" order does not include "no visitation" rights. Is there a way for an intermediate ground as it would be unfortunate if the children get embroiled in a drawn out custody battle.

I've gone through all your past posts to bring myself up to speed on yourself.There really is a paraell universe out there. the stbw has sort of the same problems. though he was verbally abusive he never hit her as far as I can tell but he plays all the same games that yours is playing. these people know what buttons to push or what to say to get what they want. But you are doing the right thing by maintaining a no contact poloicy. It's a very low life form when they have to do it through the kids and if you keep track of this maybe you can do something legally about it. My stbw ex husband uses threats and intimation to get want he wants. Once he even stood in front of her and the other children and told his own daughter that not to worry as soon as he gets his own place he'll be coming to get her and take her away from all this. Away from what????? she is well taken care of( we both make sure all the kids are looked after) there is no abuse or arguements like before and their mother does absolutely everything for them that needs to be done. He doesn't pay one cent in child support to help look after them and he trys to make her out as the bad guy? He is the one that left because she won't come crawling back to him. So my advice to you is that with your situtation as I have read you are on the right track to a better life for yourself.Just hang tough and don't let a ranting of a lunatic sidetrack you.If no one else here will say it I will. You should be proud of yourself for stop being a victim and took steps to improve your life.God bless you for a job well done so far. Keep it up the good work sailor and there will be extra rum in your rations tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

231

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 07:23 AM: Message edited by: 231 ]</small>

No advice, just encouragement. Your lawyer will know how to handle this. You know you are doing the right thing for your children. You are the mama bear protecting her children. (Our Rainbows pastor told us this).
You will get through this.

God, please provide your blessings to SJ2,
enlarge her territory (as you have done through her wonderful advice on MB),
Guide her with your hand, and keep her from evil.

For myself,
I feel more than ever that God is showing me that I am doing the right thing for my girls and myself and he is providing the friends and mental help so that I can do what is best for my family.

I hope he'll show you the same.

Ann,
I have followed you for a long time. You have been upright and honest throughout all of this, and tried to do the right thing. Every time you had a decision to make it was very hard for you to stand up to him. Not that you are weak, it's that you care for him even now, and want him to be happy.

My feeling is that it is time to stop having feelings for him. This is war and your childrens happiness depends on what happens here. I would go so far as to try and get the restraining order extended to the children so he cannot contact them either. I would tell your lawyer to pull out all the stops and go for the kill. Dont' make the mistake we made in the gulf war, don't leave him any room to come back again. In other words, take care of the problem now while you already have to go to court, so you won't have to do it over and over again the next few years.

I hope this is not to strong for you, I believe you will find happiness, because I think you deserve some blessings after all you have been through. I think the less contact you have with him in the future, the easier it will be for you, and that is why I suggest taking a hard line.

SS

NO, the NCO doesn't affect his visits with the children. He has them two nights a week from 3 to 8 and every other weekend from Fri at 3 to Sunday at 8. I have allowed the children to go with him at other times when he wanted to do something special, and I let them call him whenever they want to. I have even agreed to modify the order so that he may pick up/drop off at the house and call the children; so he would gain no benefit as to the children by dropping the NCO.

I would love to keep the children from him, but since there is no documented abuse, the court won't agree to that. What he does is emotional, not physical, and therefore much harder to prove.

SS, you are right, I'm too nice. Altho I don't have romantic feelings for him, I cannot find it in myself to be angry or bitter and I am still confused and at a loss as to why he doesn't love me and why he treats me this way. Fortunately, I have a tough lawyer and good friends! I guess this is war.

Annavon:

Thanks for your reply to my query. Your lawyer should be able to guide you through this difficult period. Your H is not acting rationally. In fact he sounds downright irresponsible and you should take appropriate steps to take care of yourself and the children.

But as others have pointed out, you may need to emotionally move on to seek and secure a better life for yourself. My pastor would say that do this you may have to "forgive" him his tresspasses before you are emotionally free to move to the next step. I know this is easier said than done. My prayers are with you. Please post often so we may give you the support that at one time or the other we have all sought.

an update.......stbx broke the no contact order by coming to the house tonite. Not a smart move since court is on Monday and he will spend tonite in jail. Learned from the police that a report was filed with them when he violated the school's security policy by not stopping at the office but instead going straight to a teacher's class and then proceeding to get angry and yell at them and accuse them of abuse in front of a class. (the pe teacher had made our son run a few extra laps for not paying attention. stbx was furious). Well, I'm praying court goes well, have been calling witnesses all day.

My, but that man is a slow learner.

I hope his failure and outright refusal to obey the law works in your favor.