Hello everyone. I am in a custody battle with my divorce right now. I am asking for equal time, (every other week). STBXW is asking for full custody. We are both good parents and we have been evauluated by a professional and he came to the same conclusion. I've always been involved with my two girls and we have a lot of fun together. My STBXW will tell me to my face that I am a good father. She tells other people that I'm not. I do not understand why she is fighting me over this. Everything else is cut and dry, property ect. I just do not understand why she wants to take my girls away from me. She has told me that I am a good father. Why is she doing this? Is it for the child support? I am paying the court ordered amount of child support plus other stuff like basketball registration, shoes, clothes, a portion of the doctors bills and all the past debts that she walked away from five months ago. Does anyone have any insight to this? Even though she initiated the divorce I am so ready for it to be over.

Signed,
Confused to the Max

((((STV)))))

As a father of three daughters, I know this is a tough one. First, I encourage you not to get hooked up on the word EQUAL. The first thing I would do is find out more about the Judge in your case. Is he/she pro-woman, pro-man, or what. That really sets the line on how you should proceed.

In my area, most of the Judges are conservative, old school, pro-woman so my best option was to try to settle. Plus "Shared" custody requires continual communication and a lot of court systems feel that if you can't agree on the custody arrangement then you won't be able to co-parent either. As a matter of fact, I almost brought my case back to the Judge over a dispute 1.5 years later and was told that not only would he settle this dispute that it would also be a custody hearing.

As far as the financial end of things, my X agreed on 50/50 until she saw what it did to her pocketbook. In my situation we settled out of court, 43% with me/57% with her, and I agreed on a child support figure that was higher than was required for that arrangement.

I keep very tight records on everything and do I only see my girls 43% of the time, NO. They are with me over 50% of the time.

Best of Luck my Brother and if you'd like to chat more about it feel free to e-mail me too.

I suggest you talk to a father's rights group.
Unfortunately, I believe that some people only want 50/50 shared or full custody due to finances. There are many men on these boards capable of 50/50 custody.
My H is not one of them. He's asking for 50/50 custody when it was about 90/10 before we split, and I work full-time. Now we have almost 50/50 by his demands, but he's living with his parents who are doing everything for and with the children. I know when he moves into his own place, he will not be capable of 50/50.

I think a father has a better chance at 50/50 if you established such a parenting schedule when you were together, if you participated in your children's activities, and were actively involved in their schools. But I know our judge is pro-mothers. 57/43% if actually considered a close fit to 50/50. I'm trying for 70/30% and would accept 60/40 at the maximum time for him.

I've got a good attorney and the judge has no problem giving kids to the father. We currently have a 41/59 arrangement. I have the kids 41% of the time, to a tee, not a minute more. It works well and the girls are very happy. The kids have gone on record as wanting joint custody. The exchanges are smooth and everything is great. The only thing my girls have asked me is why they stay with mommy more than me. The doctor made a note in his report that we should be comended on raising such well adjusted children. So that proves that joint custody is working and we can get along. I just would like to have it one week with me and then one week with her. It is less confusing than the current schedule. Every other Wednesday thru Monday and every other Wednesday on my off weeks. If there are 5 weekends in a month I get the extra weekend Friday thru Monday. That is a lot of jumping around. I am only getting this because of a court order. She was withholding the kids from me all summer. I only saw them every other weekend and every other Wednesday prior to order. She is now taking me back to court to try and cut more of my custody time. She is generally a nice person. I just don't inderstand. I hope the court recognizes the fact that the first judge thought I should have custody. I hope they see that when we were evaulated, per her court order, that the doctor sees us both as fit parents. I hope they notice that what I'm asking for is reasonable.

Thank you for your time.

It is a shame when it happens to good fathers. Although I don't know the age of your children, it is also hard for girls to be away from their mothers. My girls don't always want to go with their daddy.

One way some of the books have addressed your concerns is to give the father more time in the summer. That way, the school year won't be disrupted by constantly alternating the girls, but you could work out more consecutive weeks in the summer, say 8 weeks for you to 4 weeks for your X. I assume you live close to each other. I'm planning to live 12 miles from our marital residence, and 25 miles from his parent's home, so our current every other day schedule would be horrendous for both the children and us.
Good Luck to you.

Newly,
I am very involved with my kids. I coach their softball and basketball team. I have never missed a parent teachers conference. I go to the schools open house. I take them to church. We swim, roller blade, fish, snowmobile and all kinds of stuff together. I also attend their other sports too, soccer and hockey. I cook for them, fix their bikes, help with homework and a little first aid when needed. I have always been involved with my girls. A lot of this stuff is on record, like coaching and conferences. The rest you can just ask them. Divorce is such a long hard road to travel.

Newly,
We live very close together. I am keeping the house and she has just moved into a rental house within 2 minutes of my house. Joint custody will work for us but like I said I don't understand the driving force for wanting so much custody. As far as the girls wanting to be with me they definatly do. On the evauluation one daughter stated that she finds me to be more stabil and trustworthy and has more confidence in me than mom. My other daugther had test results that prefered me over her. The only place where I fell short is I made the comment that one daughter was a "tomboy" and the other "a little lady" They are thinking that I will have problems with my little lady. However she is the daugther that finds me more stabil and trustworthy and has confidence in me. I also just got done with parent teachers conferences and her teacher refered to her as a tomboy.

Thanks.

Keep working at getting more time then, but also consider the additional time in the summer, to minimize movement.
I offered my H 57/43 in mediation, and he refused, I really hope he gets alot less (for my girls sake). He's only attended any school event when I've forced him to go. He won't even pick up the girl's papers from school. His idea of parenting time is picking them up, having his mother cook dinner for them, and then they spend time with grandma & grandpa. No homework, or arts & crafts. He's refused dance lessons & such. Just keep up your contact with your girls, they need it.

My best guess is she wants full custody so that she can get more child support.

It's as simple as that.

Oh, and it can also be so that she does not have to include you in parenting the children.

Stay your ground.

Make sure however, that a week on week off is good for kids - I personally think it's too long to be away from the other parent for small children, but I seem to be in the minority.

Bottom line - do what works for them.

Good luck.

K

I demanded 50/50 and wanted more. My wife even said that she felt that she should have them more after she started noticing child support amounts. She was afraid that if she didn't have them fully, that I wouldn't have to even pay ANY child support. So she was very hesitant in "allowing" I can't believe that this is how she felt, me to have the boys this much.

I have them every Mon/Tue she has them Wed/Thurs and we switch every other Fri/Sat/Sun. This seems to be working very well for our boys. They are ages 9 and 5. I agree, I wouldn't want to be away from my boys for an entire week, even though every other week I don't see them for about 5 days. Well in all actuality, I usually take them for several hours on her weekend.

I would absolutely love to have them all the time and I think that they would do well as well. She could have the visitation day a week and every other weekend, but they would stay with me the majority of the time. I would have no problem continuing child support. I just want my boys, that is all. The money to me is meaningless and well worth the time I would get to have with my boys.

I would continue to request the 50/50 at least. If my wife fights it in the final agreement, which I don't believe she will, I will go to court and fight for them all. I will pull out all the stops, because I am fighting for my children's future. I truly don't think this will happen. I hope that some of the person I knew still exists and she will see that no matter what her agenda, our boys benefit from us both and that must be our main goal. However, I am and have prepared for the worst should that occur. And that would not be pretty. She would loose much more than she would gain in any outcome of a custody case. Besides, my boys keep asking me if they can just stay with me anyway. Maybe in the future, she will see that this idea may indeed be the best for them, but then again, circumstances might change and neither of us think that it would be best. Who knows?

FC,
I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I know that a custody case will cause a lot of pain and suffering for her. She realizes it too. She wants to settle out of court but she doesn't want to agree to equal time. So she shut off settling out of court. She has asked all of my friends to testify against me, they all refused. As far as a week w/o the kids, I have to do that now. I have already put in my proposal that I will decline any child support owed to me from her. Maybe I should add that I will continue to pay the current support based on 60/40 custody. If she agrees I will find out if it about custody or money.

Thanks

It really is sad when it comes down to money.
I think that is the primary reason my H wants 50/50. I'm assuming I'll get no CS, and if I do, I plan to put it in a college savings account for them.
So, if your wife owes you CS, open an account for your kids, rather than forgoing it. You don't know what your future circumstances will be.