I've been dating this guy for 2 years - we're in Love and committed to one another and plan to blend our families in the not too distant future. The problem - we're both divorced, I have 2 girls (10 & 15) with 80% custody, he has a son (17) with 100% custody. With his work schedule, time with our kids and everything else, we have managed to have most weekends together and a couple of hours during the week. His son however, opts to not do things when we're together as a family, as does a teenager will, (mine included) but will then expect his dad to cut short our time or interupt our time so that he could go ride motorcycles with him. When this happens I get upset, and hurt and he tries to tell me that his son has no one (is not social, has very few friends) but him and that he must accomodate him. This really bothers me when we cut our time short, especially since the time we have is very limited. It bothers me when he is able to pinpoint a time, but will be consistantly late with me, always with an excuse, I needed to spend time with my son, or do the wash, or vacum or whatever. In most ways his son is very spoiled, saying no is never an option. I'm terribly afraid that if we don't come to some sort of resolution, we will end up with his son coming between us. We have both read to some extend Marrige Builders and have come to some mutual agreements as to how to communicate better using the JPA. I never let my girls come between us, or our time together, should they (mainly my 15 year old) choose to be with us as a family that's great, it makes me feel good, they both get along well him. I have a very good relationship with my girls and are very social and they don't need me to pal around with them, and I guess I find this hard to deal with sometimes - what to do?

By all means I'm no expert on these type of situations but I'd like to offer my opinion. First off, the Son is 17 and with any luck will be leaving the house in a year or so, so I'd recommend waiting for that before blending families. I hope you realize that your BF's 1st and top priority is and should be his son.

I'm also concerned about the jealousy that you have against the son. Is that going to blend into other phases of the relationship? Another thing to consider is that your BF raised the kid and the kids actions are probably a reflection of what he was taught.

I guess the bottom line for me is that having full knowledge of the problems that exist now I would in no way consider "blending" families at this point. I would also take a close look at your mate and ensure that this is what you really want in a man, you know if your BF wanted to he could tell his boy no.

Anyway, best of luck.

Actually you should look up what Dr Harley says about this issue. He states that you need to put your spouse first, otherwise you'll have a failed marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Like Water For Chocolate:
<strong>Actually you should look up what Dr Harley says about this issue. He states that you need to put your spouse first, otherwise you'll have a failed marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whether I agree or not, that's not the point here because they are not married and there are some issues that need addressed to help avoid a failing marriage.

Hi Sis Holiday! You already have problems - and you're not even married yet!!! If he is already choosing his own son over you - can you imagine what he's going to do after you marry him? Riding motorcycles? Fine, let him play with his man-toys and maybe when he's ready for a real commitment or maybe understands what the proper order of Priorities is, then maybe he will be ready for marriage. Till then, you're just letting yourself in for some real hurt... If it was me, I think I'd back away some, play it cool for a while and let him return to you...
Just my $.02 worth.
Harold

I don't necessarily think that your boyfriend is being wrong. He has his son 100% of the time. And the boy is feeling threatened by you. You need to do something to earn they boys trust. You are the adult and he is the kid who ONLY has his dad. He sees you as a threat and of course he is doing this on purpose. But for some reason you have not made him feel comfortable yet.

I feel that this should be your focus. Let the man chill a bit, and make your priority his son for a while. Given that he is still young and really needs his father's influence at this point, if it were me, I would probably be making sure that my son was the top of my priorities as well.

And yes, I think that the boy will come between you. He already has, and will only do it more if he feels more threatened. I feel you should talk to your boyfriend and let him know feel that this will become a problem. Ask him to 'enforce' participation of his son in some 'family' activities. Then maybe he will see that you are not a threat. But he is secluding himself from being able to see you as anything other than a threat because he is not seeing you enough in a non threatening manner. If you tend to need your boyfriends 'full' attention when you are together, then the boy is truly seeing you 'taking dad away'. And the fact that you get upset when he 'wins dad back' only feeds his distrust because he sees that you are fighting him rather than working with him.

Maybe say something preemptively like, talk to the boy and say, "Hey, I thought it would be great if you and your dad went out and took a morning ride tomorrow. I thought that me and the girls could meet you at (where ever) and we would pack a great big picnic lunch of (his favorite food). Then if you guys want to keep riding, you can go for the rest of the day. Or maybe we could all go to a movie after lunch. I hear there is a great (action/horror/etc whatever he likes and thinks you hate) movie at the theatre. Your choice." I truly don't think you would have to go very long before you started seeing results. But you would have to be completely non-threatening and make sure that you don't SAY "I am not trying to take away your dad." But SHOW that you are not trying to take him away. Make his interaction with you up to him, but make it too good to pass up.

YOU will have to go all out for him. That is the simple truth. And if you love his father, then it will be absolutely worth everything it takes to work this out. But you will not be able to force it, and you can't wait it out.

This is my opinion. I could be wrong. But I know boys if nothing else and from your post, I think that this may be right on with the boy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whether I agree or not, that's not the point here because they are not married and there are some issues that need addressed to help avoid a failing marriage.[/QB][/QUOTE]

Exactly, and to avoid a failing marriage they need to discuss how they will aprroach the child together, together as a team, not the father putting the child first against her.(think how you would approach this if it was a nuclear family, you need the same approach) As a matter of fact I just read this chapter that addresses this very issue, called "blended famili's conflicts" in Love Busters Book. Very enlightning.

Thanks all for replying - your insights have given me an opportunity to look at the situation in some different ways. Although, parts of this situation have been left out - such as his son does have a mother, he chooses not to be with her and only with his dad, and the fact that his son has no outside interests except for motorcycles, when we are together, conversation is somewhat limited and/or directed towards his dad regarding motorcycles. Oh sure I ask about school and what have you but you can only take a conversation so far. As far as looking at myself, my jealous tendencies cause the attention has been turned from me at times. I will try to understand his point of view too. And we have come to some agreements through Marriage Builders, that I'm hoping will bring us to communicate better and not hurt eachothers feelings, and to hopefully working out some of these issues.

There are two very different styles of family - one in which relationships within the family are paramount, and one in which relationships outside the family with peers are. I do not think that these two styles can be reconciled. You apparently see the fact that the boy is more attached to his father than to his peers as a problem - you said he has "few friends." Well, exactly how many friends do you need - why is very few too few - why is not one or two enough? I can not remember a time in my kids lives as they were growing up when any of the six of them had more than 3 good friends - but they were never fickle. Obviously the boy's strongest relationship is that with his father, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I was horrified by your statement that you never let your girls come between you. One's children's needs come first. In a strong, nuclear family, the children's needs come first to the mother, and they come first to the father, so there is no conflict about that.

My children DO need me to spend lots of time with them, talking, going places, etc. I could never live in a family where the family members spent the majority of their time going their separate ways, living parallel lives.

When I mentioned that I had six kids the other day to someone, he asked if I felt like a short-order cook, and was shocked to hear that we sit down to dinner as a family - all of us, except for the one who is away at college - almost every single night. My kids spend most of their time in close proximity to each other. They are a family, not just a bunch of unrelated people who happen to share the same bathroom.