Hmmm, I don’t think I have ever met a BS on MB that told their WS from d-day that they were done with the marriage and wanted a divorce and separation started immediately. Have any of you met any BSs like this? If so, what are their names? I’d like to do a search on them and read their posts (to get some insight into my H).

It just seems that any and all of the BSs on this board are the very forgiving kind, in fact the kind that is working their a$$ off (usually in plan A or plan B) to persuade their WS to return to them.

I actually posted this question over under GQ under Infidelity, but I figured I'd have more luck over here.

Let me know if you can think of any BSs like that!

Jen

Hi Jen...

Because this site is called "Marriage Builders" *most* people here want to work on thier marriages. So if I was a BS who wanted to divorce my W/S - no question...

I'd probably post over at Divorce.net or such place. I wouldn't seek a website abot building or rebuilding my marriage.

But there might be some posters! I just can't think of any.

I dunno. Had I believed that my wife was having an affair, I would of kicked her to the curb. But I was blind to what all was going on and it wasn't until after we were divorced that things started coming out in the air.

Heck if you look up some of my old posts you'll see how I defended her, saying that there wasn't OM. Plus when I called Dr. Laura about an issue with the kids her immediate response was who's the other man. Again, I said there was no OM.

So I dunno...............

I'm a BS and on D-Day, I said that we were going to divorce and asked her to leave the next day. During our 1 month separation, I/we decided to start MC. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would stick to my guns and be done with my DV by now.

As it is, it took almost 5 months of expensive MC to confirm what I feel in my gutt... I'm never going to trust her, she isn't patient enough to put up with my feelings of inadequacy compared to her Mr. Wonderful, and that her love/infatuation/lust with Mr. Wonderful is directly inverse to how she feels about me. If she loves me, she hates him and vice versa.

Our biggest progress in therapy was that 2 weeks before I finally said it was over, she stopped blaming me and started blaming my mother. Whatever.

I've read about your situation Jen. Yours is a hard one. My two cents are that your husband probably was looking for a way out of the marriage before your A, he's telling himself that if you had that A you either did or will have more, and it sounds like he's probably involved or planning on being involved with some of his own.

For the past month, every day I wished, hoped for, and prayed that my WW would hit me with DV papers so that I wouldn't be the one who pulled the trigger on 5 years of marriage. He might be thinking something similar. He's in a fog. You're in a fog. I'm glad my marriage is ending. It's going to hurt and it sucks that it has become such a mockery of the dream it should have been.

Cut your losses and move on. He should too. You've both learned your breaking points... I hope you have learned yours. You know where it is, good luck and stay far away from it.

Indeed, I realize there are likely VERY few posters here on MB that fit the description I gave. The very nature of this site goes against walking away from it and forgetting about forgiving.

I was wondering if there were any people who originally took as hard a stance as my H and then maybe changed their minds, etc., like Lyxa.

Thanks for your post Lyxa. It just goes to show one case where your original gut instinct was right. But, I do think that I am very much different than your wife. I'm done playing the blame game for example, I take responsibility for having made the choice to have sex with my H's best friend.

That being said, I do have the same suspicions as you, that my H was already looking for a way out. The fact that he could've stopped me and his BF from actually hooking up (since he was there eavesdropping) and he didn't stop it tells me that he thought it might be his "get out of jail free and look like a poor innocent hurt husband" card, so he could move on to another woman. (But I sure hope that wasn't the case!)

Sure, he is probably hoping I'll file for Dv, because he generally likes to wait and have others make decisions for him. It's just his style. At this point, I have decided that I am going to be a bit of a !@#ch if he refuses to at least try working on things, particularly if he and his little EA have gone PA. I am not going to do the Dv paperwork, he will have to do it. He can live the rest of his life knowing HE filed for divorce, and that I wanted nothing more than to save the marriage.

Oops, I guess I am sounding a little like a wanna be martyr.....but entertaining the possibility that he set me up gets me fired up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Really, I do want to try saving our marriage before I give up. I need to at least know in my heart that I tried or I will never have peace of mind. But, I am going into that possibility with my eyes wide open, fully aware of what I am willing to change about me to make my H happier and the things that I will need from my H before I'm willing to continue the marriage.

Lyxa, you say we've both learned our breaking points. Since you say you're somewhat familiar with my situation, what do you think mine is? My H's?

Jen

Well Jen,

I may be as close as they come.

On the day after d-day I changed the locks on the house and WH was officially out - that was on a Sat. and on Monday I saw an attorney and filed for divorce.

However, I found this site a month later and decided to try Plan A - didn't work though, and my gut instincts were unfortunately correct.

I don't know what makes some people willing to give it another go and some not - for guys it is REALLY hard knowing that their wife has had sex with another man. And many men cannot get past that and then others can only get past it with alot of therapy.

Anyway, I would just try to Plan A - work on yourself and remember that time heals all wounds.

K

Come on Jen,

Blaming him for not stopping you !!!

Maybe he was seeing whether you were going to be true to him or not. Maybe he had found many other reasons to doubt your fidelity, because I doubt that this was the only thing that you did that could have caused this type of thing to occur. You cannot realistically blame another for your choices. You are an adult and chose to do something so underhanded and betraying. Don't try to characterize it as his fault. Don't try to say he set you up.

You slept repeatedly with his best friend. If his friend came on to you, you should have gone to your husband and told him, not reveled in the sin for 3 weeks. Come on, how would you feel. In the same situation without children in the picture, I would have kicked your butt to the curb as well. I wouldn't have spoken to you from that moment on. That is not like some one night stand after a horrible fight or something that could ALMOST be understood. (Although there is never a time when infidelity is understandable.) What you did was sleep with his best friend.

That takes a whole new level of betrayal and culpability. It means that not only did you have an affair, but you did it with someone that he trusted and had to carry it out extremely secretively. All the while knowing that not only were you betraying his love and your committment to him and your marriage, but you were involved in his friend betraying him as well. You knew what you were doing. You knew what his friend was doing.

You could not be trusted by me in the future and I fail to see why you think that he has the responsibility to trust you any further. What are you saying in your last post? You are blaming him, you are saying that you will be a *****. You are saying that it is his fault because HE could have stopped YOU. Not You were at fault, HE was at fault and you were the Victim of being set up.

What a crock of crap. You sit here and think that you will have done everything that you can to save your marriage, but you sit here and in the same post say how you were set up and will be a ***** about the whole thing. And wonder why your husband isn't like the others here. Well, many of us have more to loose than a wayward spouse, that is why most of us here care so deeply. We have a life and family that has been crushed that causes us to care more than maybe your husband does about having a wife who has no committment, dedication, honor, or trust in her marriage.

I have no sympathy for you. I hope you the best and hope that your marriage survives and flourishes. I truly do. But with you blaming him for your actions, you only verify his decisions rather than show that they may be somewhat askew of what your lives could have and/or attain.

If you want him back, then you better give him something worth coming back for. And I guarantee you that if all he has to come back for is a blaming *****, then he is better off just moving on. If you examine yourself and make yourself into what you want to be, and it is something that he wants, then perhaps you and he will find something that you can work on.

It just makes me so sick to hear the cheater blame the faithful spouse. I heard the same thing from my wife. That I was responsible for her going out and 'jumping at the first person who showed her love.' Well, the one that she was talking about was the 4th person she was with. She has slept with more people since we have been married than I have in my entire life, including her. So while I hear your tale, I don't see your actions backing up something that I would consider worthy of staying with.

Hey Jenn,

I'm familiar with your situation to the point that I have read some of your posts in the Infidelity forum... that's it.

My wife blames me for not stopping her as well. Like when she wanted her lover (my friend) to come live with us for 2 weeks... and I told her over my dead body and that I'd divorce her if she insisted... and she threw a fit and I caved. She blames for letting him stay with us. <shrugs> People do really weird things and I'll be the first to admit that I was not a model of sane behavior after D-Day.

I still love my wife. What it boils down to though is this: I don't see a future with her anymore. You can't force someone to stay married to you... anymore than you can force them to love you. I am not going to be my wife's "rule enforcer" for the rest of our lives. Before her A, there was a bond of trust. It's totally gone. And, to be honest, I don't want it back. The times I have tried to do so... I have had it so forcibly rammed back down my throat that it makes me sick.

Divorce takes time. Usually the person who files first has an advantage. And the person with the most documentation wins. Send him a letter requesting a mediated divorce (seems to be the most painless). Put a deadline on it. Be nice. By the deadline if he hasn't said yes... get a lawyer and start the process. It may be enough to shock him out of his stupidity.

And, I do think he's being stupid. Whatever he or you tell each other about your marriage or its failure... what's the point of blaming anyone? Affairs may have happened, you each have weaknesses and strengths... but in the end, when it's the end, try to leave it with the same decency you entered it. <tosses in his 2 cents>

From what I've read, having children is the single biggest thing keeps couples together through an affair. The single biggest wedge is a revenge affair by either party. I'd guess your husband is doing that. Cut your losses and move on. Give him what he wants... but make sure you're giving it to him for yourself.

Cheers.