Is it a contradiction for a spouse to separate yet still want to have input into the lives of your children? If that separation occurs, doesn't that fact in itself say "I don't want to be part of this family unit and whatever that entails"?

My WH, who decided to separate from me so he can "find himself and be happy" (and free to be with OW) has previously said he still wants to "be there" for our kids.

I know my case may be a little different because our kids are legally adults and not living at home. Our 22 yr old son is somewhat estranged from us, cuz he's involved in a right-wing extremist group and we had to do a "Tough Love" confrontation. But he is about to make some major lifestyle decisions (from an inheritance from my side of the family) which will have financial ramifications for him, both immediate and long-term. I found myself driving to work today wondering if I should tell his father about it. On one hand, I resent having to be the only person who is advising our son (therefore, being the only "bad guy"). On the other hand, I resent my husband for disassociating himself from us too, and thereby saying "I don't want to work on things, or be part of your life".

I'm friendly with WH when we do speak (but we're not friends) so I could ask him if I wanted to...but I'm not sure if I want to or not, to be honest. And since the money involved is from MY mother, technically I could not involve my WH at all and not feel like I'm hiding anything from him.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Separation from spouse does not mean separation from children. He is and will always be their father, and as adults their relationship with him is their choice.
Try to detach, and not put your feelings into this.

Just went through this too. But my kids are 13/ 9. I would never want to influence one way or the other what roles, and relationships my H had or didn't have with the kids.

My parents divorced 6 yrs ago.. and my M did just that. We were all grown and had families of our own, but she felt that need to be part of our decisions on what relationship we have with our F. I say discuss this with H, and let him know how you feel about the up coming inheratence.. this way you together can advise your S. You seperated from each other not your children. Divorce is hard on kids at any age.. so don't make it worse by letting your feelings for each other cloud the feelings for your kids, and there well being.

Newly and Hohon
I realize this is different from the usual parenting issues when younger kids are involved. Thank you both for taking the time to respond!

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

((((((AVONDALE25))))))

This is a toughy. My parents divorced when I was 24 or right around in there. I being the child decided to totally drop my dad out of my life because of the issues that surrounded the divorce. That went on for a couple of years. My mom was constantly encouraging me to make amends with my dad. I was like &#8220;How can you want me to have contact with that man&#8221;. Well, through a tragedy in the family my father and I began talking.

Let me tell you, that was a great thing for both of us. Mind you, I don&#8217;t have a father/son type relationship with my dad because I would have expectations from that type of relationship but we now are very good friends. So where am I going with all this, I think my mom was right in wanting dad and I to mend our fences. I&#8217;m a lot happier now and my father is happier as well.

Whether the kids are young or old, I think that it is probably best if they have healthy relationships with their mother and their father.

Hi Avondale,
It is uncommon for a parent to separate from their children even though they have separated from the spouse. There are the exceptions, as you very much know.
I understand how you feel, as your situation with your son parallels much the same as mine with my OD.
Because of the situation that we find ourselves in, we sometimes have to play the "bad guy"... all by ourselves.
IMHO, I would decide what you want to tell your son concerning your mother's inheritance... be it good news or bad news for your son.
I wouldn't feel obligated to tell your "H" about what you have going on unless you choose to since it's your mother's money and it really should not have any sort of impact on him at this paticular stage.
This is a choice you need to make that you will feel is in the best interest for all concerned... I know that is not much help.
It may be a good first step to healing yourself if in fact you did include your "H" in the process... but I understand why you would choose not to at this point in time... your still in the heat of the battle so I know it is making things a bit difficult.
My prayers are with you.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

((((((((avondale)))))))))))

You have gotten some great advice on this thread. Clear thinking and unselfish responses.

"Is it a contradiction for a spouse to separate yet still want to have input into the lives of your children? If that separation occurs, doesn't that fact in itself say "I don't want to be part of this family unit and whatever that entails"?

It isn't a contradiction at all for a father/mother to want to stay involved in their kids lives after divorcing their spouse. You and your ExH will always be parents to your children. Always. Nothing changes that. Parents do not divorce kids. Separation only says one thing, that they want out of the marriage, not out of being a parent. Try to not be confused about this issue. If you always put your kids feelings and needs first, you won't ever go wrong.

LH,
Your mother is a truly remarkable woman. All mothers could learn what really loving their children means by her actions.

LH (Bill)
Thanks for the personal story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It actually gave me a little insight for my daughter, who doesn't want anything to do with H right now because she's disgusted with his behavior. I haven't encouraged or discouraged her involvement with her father, but he has distanced himself from his both his kids on his own. Maybe I should encourage her a little more towards going after him.

Wallace,
I've found that you and I think similarly on a lot of things. And your thought about "It may be a good first step to healing yourself if in fact you did include your "H" in the process" may be the very thing that makes me contact him regarding it, to heal myself. Thanks for your candidness.

TFS
You're right, parents don't separate from the kids, just the marriage. I need to be reminded of that! However, my H has had VERY little contact with our kids (probably out of guilt on his part). Thanks again.

Avondale -
I had the same type of situation come up not too long ago. D took car to college with her and the understanding was that she was to pay car insurance while she had car up there. I went to transfer the money from her account into my account and you guessed it... it wasn't there. Talked to D about it first and she told me that she was waiting on paycheck, etc. I told her that was fine but to understand that I could not pay for her car insurance. 2 weeks passed and still no money so I e-mail XH and told him what was going on. Asked him what he thought was the best approach to this? I didn't want to be the bad guy in this and I didn't deserve to be the bad guy. We agreed that she was to pay the insurance by the end of the following week or she was to bring the car home. Amazing, the money was in her acct. and she was able to keep the car. She didn't like it when I told her that she would pay the insurance or bring the car home. I also let her know that both her Dad and I agreed on this so that she knew that we had discussed it. That was the time that I consulted him in a parenting decision.

The time that I didn't consult him was when I had to fly by the seat of my pants so to speak when D broke curfew by 3 hours. I asked her why she thought she didn't have a curfew that evening? She came right out and told me that she wasn't going to lie and that they had gone to a club downtown and she rode with someone else and didn't get back in time. I told her that it better not happen again and that I felt like she was taking advantage of me.

On several occasions I have told S that I don't deserve to be treated the way that he is treating me but we haven't had to cover any ground that would involve X up to this point.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have to go with your gut feeling here and I know that D's relationship is not as strong with her Father as it used to be. I have distanced myself for that reminding myself that they are both adults and they can handle it. Really doesn't surprise me as X's relationship with his parents is non-existent.

Good Luck and hang in there.

I think it is more typical for a WS to distance himself from the children as well, and no longer care as much about their lives and welfare. One of many examples - a few months ago our little one was diagnosed with pneumonia. I emailed her father to let him know - and he never called or emailed to check on her. He has been gone for over three years, and other than calling to say when he will be arriving, has called the kids less than a dozen times. Each of those times was for a logistical or practical reason. When he first left, the counselor told him that he should call them every day. He called once, and that was it. He told the counselor that they didn't have much to say, so he didn't call again, but that they could email him whenever they wanted. You should have seen the look on the counselor's face.

Avondale,
You sound like a strong woman and great mother. I wish you the very best in life sweetie. Take care of yourself. Try not to worry about what your H thinks or does. As far as him not contacting the kids, leave that where the responsibility lies, on him. You can't control the guy. You can only be the great mother you are and try to make things work well for the sake of the kids.

((((((HUGS TO YOU)))))) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nellie,
I feel so bad for your children. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'll never understand a parent who can walk away from their own children...

Nellie,

Honey, your ex-H is an appalling selfish man who will one day regret his "decision" to not have participated fully in his childrens' lives. Please forgive my strong words, I just have such distain for the way he has treated his children.

You do know how this story will go, right? When he gets older after OW has disappeared or is sick of him, he'll look around and think "hey, my kids .... I'll contact them and be their dad now, *I* need them".

I don't know how your children will receive their father at that time, but I would hope your ex would realize humbleness and finally see what he threw away.

Love,
Jo

Maybe he'll regret it later - or maybe he will be convinced that it is not his fault. The younger kids are desperate for his affection now.

Sometimes it seems like there are two of him. We happened to be together at a meeting once when one of the kids hurt himself. My H asked if he could follow me home, and spent quite a while bandaging up the wound (which was not as bad as it had sounded, thank goodness) and commiserating with our child - just like the father he used to be. Then he left and never called or emailed the child to check up. Out of sight, out of mind, except when he is trying to control something.

I Had a Bad Dream ,
Thanks for citing your examples. I feel more open about telling H now than I did when I first posted the question. Meanwhile, I did some "detective work" and what my son wants to do seems to be checking out OK (so there is a little less cause for parental concern). I will see my H this afternoon, and I'll play it by ear as to what/how to discuss it with him. Might depend on his mood when I see him. Thanks again.

Avondale how are you doing?
Had e-mail discussion with X yesterday regarding visitation changes for the Thanksgiving Holiday for S. Asked him to have S home on the Sunday after Thanksgiving so that we could put up Xmas tree and have dinner with D before she headed back up to college.

X's response this morning was that would be fine and that he hadn't heard from D and she won't return e-mails or phone calls so he doesn't know what her plans are for the holidays. I didn't respond to this e-mail. I told myself that I wasn't going to get in the middle of this and they are both adults (albet, D is more adult than X at this point).

On my way home from work tonight D calls me on cell phone to let me know a couple of things and what her plans are for the weekend. Had a very nice conversation. We both said I LOVE YOU and hung up. This call just made my day.

Do you think I'm wrong in not asking D why she won't return X's phone calls? If she lived at home that would be a different story but she doesn't. I think she is finally seeing how much pain and hurt X's A has caused everyone and how it even affects her directly.

Hope things at your house are going well.

^

IHABD,
I know what you mean about not getting in the middle. Our daughter (aged 24) does NOT want to talk to her father. I totally understand her feelings, yet she and I know ultimately she'll need to be the one to make the first move. They had been SOOO close until the day he told her he was moving out (the day she got back from her honeymoon). I mean, this man was a great father until he was abducted by aliens, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL

Maybe if you just mention to daughter that H said he hadn't heard back from her, it would be enough. Then the ball is in her court. While I understand that she feels betrayed also, what others said in this thread is true too... separation from spouse does not have to mean separation from children. Although, on the other hand, if your H doesn't hear from her, could that help him come to a quicker realization all that he's lost?? Food for thought!