First and foremost I MUST apologize to all who have been faithful! MY wife has posted here for quite some time (not certain of her present status) all the while I have been leading a life of deceit, fraud and total un-truths!

Background: Blended family of 6 (4 boys)! Dated for 3 years and and married for 3 years.

What a complete and utter mess I have created!! I'm seeing a counselor at present. As well as working with one of our Church's Pastor's. Continuing my search of faith!!

My question: As long as I have been unfaithful I believed my wife would always be there! I know, go ahead and smack me, please...why, you say? Why would someone put up with such non-sense, especially if you knew her you would hit me harder! I have never been able to fill a void which was created years ago (Mommy, Dearest!).

Everytime I attempted to right the ship through counseling (I've had some very challenging counselors at that) I would guard my past...It's mine and you can't change it or me! I got stuck and ran away. Or even better the anchor drops through the floor and I and everyone around me sinks (WHICH IS WHERE WE ARE NOW!).

Okay, now my question: My wife is divorcing me. (that's a period, end of sentence). How do I make my peace with her? Does she need me to just stay out of her life (we do not share children together)("Thank God for That" you say). At some point will she seek something from me? My counselor has said to write her and leave it at that! I need a "pro's" point of view.

Again, I am so very sorry for my behavior!

I am sorry you are hurting and have hurt your wife. I am reading a book right now about ending a relationship and moving through the process that I am finding helpful. It has exercises, and even suggestions for a ceromony for the 2 of you to end it if you want. its called Comming apart by Daphne Kingma. I might be helpfull for both you and your wife.

Good luck to you on finnaly working through your problems... you know if you just keep hiding from them they will haunt you in your next relationship too.

Lora,

Thank you so much for the response...just to see a response brings tears. I am so lost, alone and scared. I feel so overwhelmed. You have no idea how hard it was to come here! or maybe you do! To see how much pain exists here...makes me cry uncontrollably!

Thanks for the suggestion of "Comming Apart." It sounds as though it's a step in the right direction to achieving my peace with W.

I know Christ will get me through...so far he has guided me in all the right directions in terms of finally staying with and working thru my issues. My counselor has heard it all from me. I think he has been the first one I've been completely honest with!!! It's very cathartic to spend time with him.

God's Blessings!

Catch,
I have struggled with counseling too. I think I wasnt ready to be honast with myself the first time I went. But now I figure they have probably heard it all, and whats the point of lieing or avoiding issues when I'm paying for their help.

Its slow here on the weekends so if you dont get many responses dont feel bad, and post again ok?

Catch,

Maybe...if you continue counseling, be nice to your wife, improving yourself...showing changes, maybe...someday... there will be a light.

You never know what can happen. My H has told me several times that he wanted a divorce, the most recent in Aug. But things are changing. My husband has made a big changes and I think we are moving along quite well. I still have some issues I need to come to terms with but we are getting there. We have not stopped the divorce process but have kind of put it on the back burner.

Hang in there, keep the faith, stay in counseling. If nothing else, you will come out changed and a better person, ready for a new relationship...someday.

Good Luck

N2BH,

I realize I must be strong for myself to become a changed man (counseling and time with Pastor).

MY W has told me she has been on a date (nothing serious)...leading me to believe she has or is moving on. She's been away on business for several days and returning today. I haven't spoke to her but a couple of times.

Trying to see God's plan thru all of this and somehow I can see my pain correlates directly with what I put her thru!

I have prayed for God to grant me acceptance through out this period of separation and I came up with a letter to W accepting her decision (gave it to her before she left on biz) about pursuing divorce. Not certain if she read it but it helped me by letting her know I understand her position and tough love!

I do know there is great love that exists between us. Whether or not we can EVER overcome the obstacles I have created will remain in God's hands!!!

Tears of JOY and sadness (for your support),
Thank You and God Bless!

I feel the need to continue my sordid story! This is one means of purging and helping me on a road to recovery.

I moved out 5/02 and have not been working on ME until 3 weeks ago. Regardless of my marriage I am committed to making myself whole once again.

I have had several long-distant (email type) relations. I have had email relations with OW.
I am ashamed of my behavior.

I have completely lost W's trust! We just had a conversation earlier whereby she has told me to she has no intention of reconciling. That hurts and it should I know! Again, what do I do to convey my apology to her!?

Hi, speaking from the other "side", I wouldn't want an apology but I would want to see a change so I could trust again. If you apologize that's only the beginning. Your spouse won't beleive you unless she sees a change. It's difficult to believe someone who has lied to you about really important things and she may not be ready to say she forgives what you've done.

So you just keep working on yourself, keep your relationship with God strong and intimate (He forgives you!), try to stay in touch with her and she will see the change in you.

If she never does want to reconcile, you will have dealt with your problems and you'll be a better person anyway.

Hi catch2222

Welcome to the MB boards. We can never know what God has in store for us when we follow his will. There is not doubt that you will go through pain no matter what the outcome with your wife.

To pick up on the apology, there is a difference between an ammend and apology. For me (the only person I can speak for) I would want an apology, written and only if it was from the bottom of his heart. However, I would wait and watch to see how serious he was and if he made an honest effort at growing in the Lord, if he showed remorse and repented to God, and if he lived each day for Christ.

It is very hard to trust someone who has followed your path. I believe that only God could heal the situation, because I couldn't imagine doing it on my own.

May God Bless you,

D.

Thank you ALL,

I am and will continue to work on myself regardless of the direction my W is heading. I recognize and am addressing all of my shortcomings (email affairs, physical affairs ad nauseum). The mess I have been living is no longer an issue of marriage but an issue with Christ.

Just last night a friend of mine from HS who I haven't spoke with in over 10 years until our 20th reunion several weeks ago called me. we spent nearly 2 hours on the phone speaking the truth, praying for a renewed heart and mind! I know I'm a sinner and I DO repent of my sins.
Now that I have seen your responses this morning is all the more reason for me to continue my walk in the light of Christ!

Thank you so much for your confidence in me. I feel a new day is dawning!

In Christ,
JD

My H has been involved in affair with OW for 19 months now, of course still denies everything.

What I would want from him is for him to tell me he can never understand the amount of pain & hurt he has caused me, but that he is very sorry & acted like a fool. That he will do whatever it takes to earn my trust again. That he promises me (for real) never to have any contact with OW - that means phone, email, chats, in person everything!! No calling to see how she's doing, NOTHING!! No more cell phone & laptop secrets.

That I can call wherever he says hes going & he will be there & not get mad I called. that I would be free to check up on him whenever, wherever & he would not scream I was "spying on him". That I see all phone bills and credit card statements and there are no secret phone cards. That there are no secret email accounts. For him to never scream at me or continue to deny something I know is true of the past.

But I dont think thats ever going to happen. He still thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I hope you have ceased ALL contact with these women. Technically, you are still married.

Ask your wife what behaviour changes she would have liked to see in you. Whatever changes you make must be for good and for real.

What led you to these other women in the first place. Why didn't you go to your wife? ANd if you felt she was nagging or controlling you or not giving enough sex, why couldn't you have talked about it calmly together??? My H insulted me often & therefore I didnt feel like sex & then he assumed (with encouragement from his slut) that I didnt love him. AARGH!

I know your emotions feel bad now, but I am glad that you realize a mistake was made & lives were affected & that things change. Im sure your wife is very angry and very hurt. SHe must think it would never work because of your prior counseling attempts. Any chance she might attend a counseling session with you, if you chose a differenat therapist than your usual. If you told her its not necessarily to save the marriage, but just to help you both in the healing process?

CLG,

Thank you for your response.
My W has been nothing but supportive, loving caring and kind throughout all of this. I have enough baggage from my up bringing and have never addressed those issues (worked with several counselors. Once we got into it I would never return to the next session. I have been with the same counselor now for 3 months. I have been most honest with him! More so than with my W during my sordid past. One thing has become very clear through my session and that is my Mother was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. Having children of my own (whom I love dearly) I can never ever imagine in my wildest dreams to treat them with what I was subjected to.

When asked why, my mother would say she did the "best" she could with what she knew!!! Damn, I'd hate to see her at her "worst". Anyway, we (counselor and I) have concluded that there is such a void in me that no matter how much love my W showed me I would still seek affirmation from others! I've always have had a difficult time with OW (especially dominant type). I have found that when I would share with OW, I would "capitalize" on the attention I would receive not thinking of the consequences. Only thinking of how good the attention was. Mind you my W put forth so much love and attention it would make your head spin. Obviously my head was spun in another direction.

I have ceased all contact with any woman!! I feel the lonliness now, but know I will be a better person as I work through my issues. Funny, I saw the cliff but never thought a parachute was needed!

My christian friends have rallied around me so intensely that I feel Christ's love. Just since last night I have received phone calls from people I never thought would contact me.

Thanks for your support.
I look forward to what Christ has in store for poor miserable sinner!

Although my W has said she is beyond the hurt and harbors no anger, I will ask her in time to go to counseling with me. I OWE it to her. I wouldn't ask for her to go in an attempt to recover the marriage. In fact I would stand in front of our congregation and confess to all of them of how unfaithful, untrue I have been. I want to be a testimony to those who have been unfaithful or to those who are contemplating infidelity.

I know my change has to be real, true and permanent and if she is still willing to work on our marriage then so be it. But for now I will concentrate on ME!