I was born and raised in Germany, one of the customs there is, at a fest, you lock arms with people at the table and rock back and forth to the music. The person next to you may be someone you don't even know. It's harmless, it's innocent, there is really nothing to this. I've been in the US for 7 years, and married now for 2 1/2, my husband knows this is a German tradition. Last week, we had a little get together with some of my co-workers, at a German Oktoberfest. When the music started playing, we locked arms and began rocking back and forth, my husband was at my right, another co-worker at my left. I noticed my husbands expression when I took my co-workers arm. Later I asked him about it and he said he does not like me doing that. He asked if I would have done that had he not been there and I said yes. He then said he does not like me "having fun with my male co-worker". I told him in church it's possible that you hold hands with a female, a complete stranger, well he said that is different. What is so wrong with just taking his arm????? I didn't put my arms around him, nor did I do anything that I feel is wrong. But he makes it sound like I did.

It’s my understanding that jealousy stems from insecurity. <P>The more your H is able to talk about it with you in a calm, secure way, perhaps the better he will be able to handle instances like that. And the more you’re able to understand his concerns, the more reassurance you can provide. <P>Listen to his perspective. Word questions for answers more than “yes” or “no.” For example, “how did that make you feel?” “is it actually the locking of arms that bothers you, or is it my close proximity with a man?” “what’s your worst fear about it?” “in that same situation again, what could I do to reassure you?” Repeat back your translation of what he’s feeling until he agrees that’s what it is. <P>Remain calm….it IS a valid feeling he’s having, although you disagree with it. Acknowledge his feelings instead of trying to show him he shouldn’t feel that way…because he does! <P>I think good communication techniques is the key for resolving this for both of you. <P>Laura<BR>

Hey Schatz (treasure)!<P>My wife and I lived in Germany for 4 and a half years. Two of our children were born there. (That's all beside the point, just a little background for your interest)<P>Anyway, see my reply to your other post. . .<P>We are in the very same boat on these accounts.<P>I don't know which one to reply to, but I expect I'll come back to share a few thoughts on this jealousy/insecurity thing later. I've actually made some progress on these. . .mostly just be being "toned down" a bit myself. Being a bit more subdued and not calling much attention to myself is one thing that helps.<P>The most important thing I think I have learned is how to be a more proper encourager. "you can do it" comments might seem like encouragement, but can actually sound patronizing.<P>"Noticing" ANYONE else is bound to cause trouble too. I "noticed" that one of the ladies at church had lost weight not long ago. My comment was just simply, "I noticed that _______ has lost a lot of weight over the past few months." The result of that comment was that a total of six in all (that one lady and five others I HAD NOT mentioned) got shot down in flames on the way home from church. I asked her why she was so angry, and she told me that she was sick and tired of me comparing her to every other woman around.<P>So. . as bad as either of us might hate to admit that our actions, behavior, or comments might be hurtful, they are as long as they are wrongly perceived.<P>Innocently locking arms at a party, or noticing that a man's going really fast on a treadmill. Those are VERY hurtful things, when someone is insecure or jealous.<P>You have to walk a narrow rail, to encourage someone who really needs it. It's no fun, and it isn't easy. It's certainly not fulfilling and pleasing, but there's not much alternative, since we as human being only have the power to influence, but not to alter other's thoughts.<P>Be conscientious, and prayerful