How come someone say that they love you yet they dont want to be faithful to you and hurt you. We have been split up for 11 months now and W has put me on a emotional roller coaster. She is dating other people while we are still married. She wants the divorse put has never went in filed. She tells me that she hates me at one time and then the next day she tells me she loves me but doesnt want to hurt me. I just dont understand and she cant supply any of the answers that i need. The last month has been fine with her not around..ne not seeing her everyday. but she recently broke up with her "boyfriend" and has moved back in to the same house i live in. I wish i knew what to do. Should i continue to wiat for her to come around? She says that i need help and that she is fine. I hurt everyday that i dont have her in my life and in the past ive tried everything in my power to make trouble for her relationships that she has. So what should someone do i nthis situation?

You cannot force her to be faithful but you can have control over your own life and what you are willing to put up with. You have the power to stop her emotional abuse of you. You have the power to stop allowing her to be part of your life by divorcing her.

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: tommaz ]</small>

Richardheming -

What your wife is saying are the EXACT SAME THINGS that all WS(wayward spouses) say.

Really, if you've been around this board long enough and read enough books about affairs, then you would know this too. It's nothing new or different that they believe - it's like they all use the same play book.

With that said, there are lots of things that you can do about it.

First, make sure that you have a support system for yoruself right now - family, friends, a counselor, church group, pastor or priest and most importantly God.

Then read the information on this web site and Surviving an Affair(SAA) and His Needs Her Needs By Harley. SAA will help you to understand what your wife is going through, and why she is saying the things that she is saying. It's nothing new.

According to Harley, she is not getting her needs met and is looking for someone or something to meet them.

You should print out the Emotional Needs questionaire and the Love Busters Questionaire off this site and fill them out as if you were your wife and then take out the LBs and try to fulfill the ENs. It's called Plan A. What you want to do is try and convince her that she can have her needs met from inside the marriage. Now it takes the WS awhile for them to actually see any difference from you - usually 6 mos. But that's because they are in what we call a "fog."

Now you have to decide what is important to you - taking 6 mos. out of your life to try and save your marriage - or going directly to divorce, which will always be an option.

If she is living in your house - then Plan A is definitely the way to go.

Now it's not easy, you will feel like a doormat and your needs won't be met by her right now - but just keep your support system handy - post here - especially on the GQII or Plan A/B board when you need advice or to vent. But definitely read SAA so that you will be able to make some informed decisions.

Our prayers are with you. K