I feel that my ex-husband is wanting to come back into mine and my children's life. He had an affair and thought the grass was greener. He found out it wasn't. He is lonely and wishes he could have the comfort of home back. What do I do? I had just started to Plan B him. I am afraid that nothing has changed and we will fall back into the same destructive behavior. How can I be sure that he is ready to commit? How can I put my kids through this again? Should I even bother? Help!!!! I would like as much advise as possible.

Dear Dana31,

I understand how uncertain you would be. I wouldn't want to go through the same thing again (separation/divorce). You have to think what is best for you and your kids. Do you still love him? Do you think he really understands what he has done to you and your children? Have you seen any changes in him? What were the problems that caused him to have an A in the first place? Is he willing to change? Do you trust him/or can you trust him again? Trust is hard to rebuild but it can be done. Has he actually come out and said that he wants to come home? I don't know your full situation but I think you have some questions that need to be answered by yourself. I hope I didn't confuse you even more but I think you need to try to answer these questions before thinking of getting back together.

All the best.

dana if you are interested in putting your marriage back together then make a list of resonable things that you expect your husband to do to reconcile... like work on MB, etc.

If he will not do those then reconciliation is a no go.

Dana,
In addition to the great suggestions you have received thus far, I would like to add that you both get into Individual Counseling(IC) and Marriage Counseling(MC)....he needs to get his head together and his priorities straight.

You may want to find out what you really need in counseling, as well. One word of caution about counselors...please find one who is Christian oriented...the secular counselors are not dedicated towards marriage and will be just as happy to see a marriage end if they think that one of the spouses wants that......even if it is not the best thing.....that is my 10 cents.....good luck and God Bless....

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 06:45 AM: Message edited by: Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done ]</small>

dana -
Buy and read Surviving an Affair by Harley - or at least read about the info. contained therein on this site - there is something called the 4 rules of recovery and unless those are agreed upon by the wayward spouse then any recovery would be very difficult to achieve.

The Harleys pretty much recommend that you not take back the erring spouse until they agree to follow thses rules because as I just said - in their experience recovery is difficult if not impossible to achieve without following them.

Do some reading, maybe give the Harley's a call to at least get a plan of recovery outlined, and then begin.

Good luck. K

Hi. I am new here but I thought I'd reply to this because I am going through exactly what you're talking about. we were divorced this year. He cheated on me. Towards the end of the divorce he tried to get me back but I refused. When the divorce was days from being final I had to talk with him about visitation. He told me of his love and desire for mending things. I told him I'd see when I saw him how I felt. I left my house, job and family to move with him. Things have been horrible. yes he is more loving and such but the fact remains...I cant trust him as far as I can spit and therefore I cant be the woman I should be to him....meaning be a good partner because my shield is so far up I wont allow him anywhere close. NOW..all he wants is for us to be a family. I cant get over him NOT wanting to be a family for all those years we were miserable together. that's my experience with it. Now I am away from him on a short break trying to figure out how to get over those terrible feelings I feel around him. Noone can tell you whether it will work for you or not. Everyone warned me about not going back with him...but I do love him and so I decided to do it anyways. I think that you are the one who knows your heart. The only thing I warn against is getting back with him before dealing with your feelings from the previous situation with him. I wish I had waited and dated him a bit and allowed myself to gain at least some trust back with him. I definately suggest giving it plenty of time. Nothing wrong with giving him your heart and committing to him but just not living under the same roof til you can feel you can trust him. sorry for babbling but it is such a hard decision and I have flopped doing it on my own. lol so live and learn I suppose.

dana31,

In addition to the suggestions so far, if it were me, I would insist on an appointment with one of the Harley's. They have much more experience than I and are not emotionally tied to the situation. They could help evaluate the sincerity and help lay the groundwork for recovery.

God Bless,

D.

My x made noises about wanting to work on his marriage. One day, while we were sitting in the counselor's office, he said something about it and I looked at him and said I would consider working on it but I had heard those words come out of his mouth before. And I had believed his words. But, finally, if he wanted me to believe him, he would have to prove it. He was going to have to take some action and work on some stuff. And if he could show action towards healing and restoration of the marriage, that would be a possible goal. But talk was cheap. I wanted more.