Long story, I have been coming here for about 3 years now, started just about this time of year after learning of H affair in august of 99.

I did plan A for probably too long and eventually asked H for a seperation as his affair continued in September of 2000. After 7 months or so he asked to come home. Had a big fight with OW and hated her he said. He said all the right things to me, agreed to all my stipulations, convinced me he loved me and wanted to repair our marriage, was so loving and passionate and honast and open.

That lasted about a month or two. He called for one appointment with Steve that I made for him and forced him to call. I could see him starting to withdraw from me and I think he began talking to OW again. Apparently they resumed contact for another 6 months or so until she ended it saying there must be some reason he was still here with me, and got another boyfriend at work.

That seemed to be the best move she could make. He then went into serious pining for her. I could see him withdraw more and more. He sent sappy song requests to radio stations. He brooded about who her boyfreind was, he met with her after work when he knew I would be up and he would have to explain himself. He stopped talking to me, avoided me, wouldnt do anything fun with me, seemed depressed, unhappy.

I continued to try and give him space and time, asked him to go to counseling. I started counseling myself and tried to be more open myself with my emotions, tried to lead by example, tried to love him and forgive him, but finally I tired of getting no response from him, living with someone who seemed to resent me or think of me as a non person. He apparently deceided the marriage was over, but forgot to tell me. Fianlly about a month ago I asked one more time for some change, for counsleing and he said, no we should divorce. And fiannally I agree. I am ready to move on, get over this, end it, close my heart to him. finally I see that I desearve more, that living like this in fear of saying the wrong thing to him, fear of ending it, fear of change is not good for me.

I am taking an honast look at our marrige and realize that in order to have the relationship I would want now I need a man who can talk, communicate, grow, and I dont think he is that man. He doesnt want to be.

So there you have it. I am now working on ending this relationship. I have done all I can do. So I'm moving here to divorcing and hopeing you all will help me though this.

Lora,

Gosh, what a sad story. But, I guess, aren't they all sad?? Thanks for sharing your update. It really does come down to two people putting in effort to make fulfilling marriage for both. You know that you gave it your all, and that is really all you can do. In time, your life will come to be happy and fulling to you once again. Believe it or not, there can be happiness after you get divorced. You don't get to just walk away for everything once you are divorced, but it will help you to separate yourself from the direct source of the pain. We are all here for you, friend!

Desiree

Dear Lora,

I am in the same situation as you are. Don't know how to start....husband has an affair and never end. He come back and leave many times. I feel sick and tried. When he stay home, get the same feeling as yours " fear of saying the wrong thing to him, fear of ending it, fear of change is not good for me....Anyway, I am in the devorcing condition. Husband live together with OW. I don't care....but do care sometime, but I think if he come back and we have the same life again. I don't want it anymore. Huband called me the day before, and blame me that "you ask me to leave you, you ask for divorce" I know he will put everything on me...that all my mistakes.

I think he is not the man I want.

I will pray for you have a new start and good life.

Take care.
Gloria

I'm in the same boat...tried to forgive and forget and then it up and happened again. But my therapist is helping me to realize, just like Gloria, that even if he wanted to come home, this is not the man I need. Alone beats the heck out of waiting for your heart to break again.

Lora- I envy you! I think you will get through all this just fine! You realize & feel for yourself the right thing - that he's not the man for you anymore & you deserve better.

My friends & others tell me time & time again "You're better off without him". But I don't feel that way & miss him very much still. I changed my name from "Cantletgo" a while back, but guess I still havent let go.

Around March of 2001 we both had bad politics at work. I noticed H spending tremendous time with this OW. He started rejecting me severely, would not tell me where he was going when he had to go out of town for work. (Turns out SHE scheduled her work for same place at same time & they were at same hotel more than once.). He stopped phoning me from out of town, stopped bringing nic-nacs back for me. Told me get away & mind my own business. That where he went & what he did was none of my concern. Slept on floor in other room. We went nowhere nor did anything together. He was very emotionally abusive to me. Screaming at me I was spying on him, telling me my tears were "crocodile tears" that I was a drama queen, a manipulator etc. etc. Screaming & threatening me. Throwing my stuff, photos, cards in the trash etc.

He was recovering from surgery when I found email telling her not to use her initials for a screen name. I looked on Yahoo messenger & there she was with initials!! They had been chatting on Yahoo while he was home & she at work. (We all worked in same place. They would be in each others office ALL DAY long, in & out even with door closed & bosses said nothing. Everybody knew but me!! He would take the cordless phone to basement & sneak calls to her. I saw 1 bill for 3 hr call out of town when I was taking Final exams in college after working all day. It started when I left & ended as I must've been pulling into garage.

SO MUCH!! She has kid. She got divorced 10/01. I got fired after I told her stay away from my H and she ran & lied that I attacked her & ran to my H. Guess who he defended & nurtured? HER. Guess who work believed? HER.

So he yelled at me I got fired "on purpose". When I finally got new job, he filed for D. Then, I told him leave & he says "you want me to?" !!! He returned in late January & dismissed filing. That first week I found him with OW twice. The 2 months he was gone I had seen him parked at OW's place numerous times & when he went to his apt "to pack" was when I found her hiding behind bedroom door. Lots of receipts for presents in his pants pockets over the months. ( I was doing laundry & cooking). This past May he went to conferences & said staying where airport is (out of town 75 miles) to catch up on work. I drove to OW's place. He was there. Leading me to believe he'd done the same the 2 previous weeks on trips!

I had surgery in July & went in with the possibility it was cancer!! He drove me there & was around a day or 2 but *****ed about uncomfortable couch & I told him go home to sleep. He screamed holy war at me about a bill I had while I was in hospital. Cursed at me he "did not give a f@#$, and that he hoped I died" !!!! tried to say he only said it cause I "pissed him off". I told him there was NO excuse for telling a person in the hospital you hoped they'd die!!!

He never took extra time off work. He would phone at 6pm if I needed something from grocery, but stayed out every night till 10.30 or 11PM coming home & sleeping upstairs. All this time before, he slept on floor cause "bed hurt his back" and now that I was recovering downstairs he went up & never mentioned his back!! He *****ed & nagged SO much when was I going back to work. As soon as I did, he found an apt. & moved out Oct. 1st this yr. Have written down finances & expect him to have papers ready in a week or two.

We own a house together & so many times he said he'd "throw me out on the street" "was selling it" was remodeling only "to get a good price" and he "wanted his fair share - buy him out or sell". I want to keep the house. I have no family, deceased parents, no siblings etc & have no where to go. I deserve to remain living in what was OUR home. He stops by on weekends, mostly to grab something of his from house & says if I need $ he'll be there for me. I dont think I can ever trust him because of all the lies. Of course he denies it all & says he's leaving me because I "accuse him" of having afair, "dont trust him" never did what he wanted etc etc.

And so, WHY is it that I miss the good old days & the emptiness us unbearable. I go to say something & he's not there. We were each others first everything & used to go everywhere & do everything together until miss trash OW got jealous & manipulated her way in. I am so lost. I dont want to do a thing. I have been seeing a counselor for a year, but dont feel like its doing any good, now that he's leaving again & I feel worse than last yr. I guess last time, it had not been as long & I felt he'd return. I have begged him to give us a chance etc & lets go to counseling. HE refuses everything. Says its all me - I,m so selfish etc. Why I still long for this man only God knows! We were together 5 years before we got married. Married for 10 yrs this yr. I wish I could just be fed up & have enough & ready to feel free & live my own life. But I dont feel that anticipation or relief at all. Smack me on the head someone please!!

You are describing similar behavior of my ADH (I call him the amazing disappearing husband at other web BBs).

This is my second failed marriage. Married to this one only five years, he left for younger woman (very younger). Repeat of first marriage, I'm doing something wrong here.... Anyway I have since found out he had many "casual" affairs befor this "true love" affair. We haven't divorced yet, but it's inevitable.

Anyway, I can relate to your H angry behavior during the affair. Mine was angry at me when I should have been angry at him for the OW, he was getting into big arguments with me like we had NEVER done, he was blaming everything wrong with our marriage and our lives on me, he brought up every thing I had ever done that he didn't like, although he had never told me before that he didn't like it...not communicative.

I now know he was acting this way because it's so much easier to follow through on your plans to abandon your spouse and child if you can make the break-up your spouse's fault and not your own and make your spouse seem like an evil person in your mind.

He left us 5 yrs. ago and we haven't seen him for 2 1/2 yrs. I still miss him. I was so shocked when I discovered his very secret lifetstyle he hid so well...I really thought I was avoiding making the same mistake in this marriage. However, he did things like going to a church meeting was actually a way to meet one of his women. I had no clue this was going on. I think this abrupt end to a somewhat satisifying relationship is what is causing me to hold onto the good memories and the love I still feel for him. However, I realistically know that unless God zaps a humungous lightning bolt into his thick skull, he'll never change and I don't want a man like I found out he is.

Hi Lora,

You are so right, it takes two to make a M work, two to communicate, talk and grow. This is really a great board, somewhat small so very personal. I've not in the legal process yet, so can't help in that area, but the emotional ups and downs I can relate to.

My belief is that having done the marriage builders concepts, it will be easier to let go. Not that it is without pain, but some of the process has already been dealt with. There may be some who disagree with me on this.

Lora, I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,

D.

Thanks for the welcome to this board all of you. cCome join me on the Coming apart thread to try and work through this crap.

Roll me away, sorry I turned into a sad story instead of a sucess. I hurts to feel like I failed, like I had a chance, it was within my grasp, but I failed somehow to do the right thing.

Gloria and the new me,
I will pray for all of us to have a great life and a new start.

Against the wind,
Well, you saw it took me 3 years to get to this point didnt you? Some of us just take longer, or now I wonder if we just dont feel worthy of something better and are just good at taking more abuse. Hang in there and keeep taking care of yourself.

DLj
Thanks for responding, I think they need to be angry at us to not look at their own stuff.

Willgetthroughthis,
I do think we have done what we can. I can only hope its easier to get through the ending with all the work we have done so far. Thanks for the prayers