Exercise 1 Telling the love story.

Tell the story of how you met, and fell in love. What attracted you. What there was that seemed to reonate with some deep wish or need of yours.

Tell about the early stages of your relatioship, your feelings, your expectaions.

Write about the clue of failure. In every relationship there is a little clue that registers and is disregaurded. It tunes you into the fact that something will go wrong eventually, that the relationship isnt going to last forever.

I will skip posting the mushey stuff here.

But the clue of failure was that we often misunderstood each other and built up resentment without communicating and clearing it up.

An example while we were dating. We had rented a boat and it broke down. He is a mechanic so took a look at the engine. I thought we needed to go get it repaired and he took it as I didnt respect he knowlege and skills, he later told me. Me, who only learned lefty loosy, righty tighty a few years ago and still have to say it every time. LOL
I just couldnt imagine that someone could fix somthing they didnt know. I never felt like I could convince him that I respected and cared for him.

I think this exercise is good because for me it validates that we did fall in love, that we had good times, that we started like everyone else with hope and closeness and passion. After the affair and hearing it was all a mistake , its easy to rewrite history a little myself. But its also good to awknolege that there were some problems, some things we overlooked because we were in love.

Okay, since I can skip mushy stuff - I'm here!

Our first clue to failure was the way we had a fight. Usually, it was me screeching like a freak, him ripping doors off the hinges or punching a hole in the wall, and me running away (as in anywhere but in that apartment) and him chasing me until he caught me, me being too afraid to fight him, him dragging me home.

Romantic, eh?

Secondly, the women... they liked him... a lot... and for some reason... he liked them too, although he did treat me really well when he wasn't being a jerk (me too, the other way). It was about three years in when the first woman came to me, in a friend's/neighbors apartment, and asked me to my face to tell my husband to leave her alone. This was (obviously) news to me. I was HORRIFIED. May have been the first time, but wasn't the last.

Finally, we relied on sex to 'make things alright' and that lasted (no kidding) 20 years. Problem was, it didn't actually make it all fine - it became ugly, not lovemaking at all, but controlling behavior.

Tell the story of how you met, and fell in love. What attracted you. What there was that seemed to reonate with some deep wish or need of yours.

He was very romantic,caring,listened,needs were met on both ends.We dated on and off from 15/16yrs old...until we married at 20/21yrs old.
I have a couple scrap books of poems we wrote back and forth to each other.There was a strong connection,and we were each others first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Now matter what happened we always found our way back to each other.

Write about the clue of failure. In every relationship there is a little clue that registers and is disregaurded. It tunes you into the fact that something will go wrong eventually, that the relationship isnt going to last forever.

I did not trust him...because he left me while we were dating out of the blue and started dating another girl a month later.Something in my gut didn't set right,I would notice him looking at women..it bugged me he claimed I was being to controling and too insucure.
When we married EN were put aside when Life hit,we lost a couple high risk pregnancies and he and I both became depressed he started using drugs became abusive.I lost myself...trying to figure out how to meet his needs,while he played mind games with me.
I was not supportive of his dreams with music enough...he would ask me to help him through college.I never did and he resented me for it.Became pregnant gained 50lbs,because I was in the hospitol for 8 months trying to keep my son inside of me.(Thats when the affairs and porn addiction began).
So EN were not being met,I was not skinny enough in style enough cause money was tight.He was abusive and into drugs and couldn't be a head of household..issue's were not delt with before we even married.

I'm at work today, but will try to type as much as I can before a meeting I need to attend.

Met and Fell in Love:
We met through a mutual friend in SO Calif who happened to be a bass player. My ex was from WA and didn't know anyone in Calif. He seemed lost and lonely, he was so sweet. He came to Calif to attend GIT (Guitar Institute of Technology). He invited me to come see him play, and I did. He was extremely talented, we fell in-love. Needless to say we were inseparable after that.

I felt like he needed me to take care of him. That's a need of mine, to be needed and not just wanted. He made me laugh and I, he. We kidded around and cracked up alot. Our love making was incredible too. Very passionate. We couldn't get enough of one another. I also think I admired him for his talent, I don't have a creative bone in my body and he was a true natural artist.

First Clue of Failure:
Somewhere in the 5 years we lived together before marriage, he told me of an affair he had with his best friend's live-in GF right before we had met. The way he described it, she was very aggressive (female singer) and was seducing him, chasing him and wouldn't take no for an answer. I met her and "yes" she was all of those things and HATED me for the relationship I had with him. His affair with her lasted approx 6 mos or better and was more a PA than EA. The very strange thing about it was his best friend knew about it and wasn't angry at either of them for it.

The lack of morals my H exhibited in that situation should have been a big warning sign for me. But I thought it was a mistake he made and we all deserve a second chance.

But now that I think of it, my H didn't show any remorse for betraying his friend. It was almost like he felt entitled to it, since she wanted it so much. And since his friend was not angry about it, makes me believe they were actually "SHARING". <gag>

This same good friend of my H's is still his best buddy and much to my amazement, the OW that my H is with now was sleeping with this same friend some 20 years laters, right before my H started having an A with her. I think my H and this friend have always had this competitive/sharing sexual thing between them and I am just now starting to understand it. Is this NOT SICK???

I guess most people would say I deserved what I got for marrying a musician. But I was so proud of the fact that he was not sterotypical. We were both athletic and health nuts. I felt the musician thing was an unfair stigma placed on musicians. Just like there are good cops and bad cops. I must have been living in denial I guess.

I have to go now, but will be back. And .... oh, BTW, our arguments during the early years in marriage were handled very much like Sheryl and her ex's. I'd do what my ex would call a "hit and run" and my ex would get overtly angry and slam stuff about, but never ever touch me. Then I'd retreat and not talk.

I'll be back soon. Thank you for doing this, Lora.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

When we met...
We met in So California when I'd just moved out there to work on my Master's degree. At the church I decided to attend, my Sunday School teacher wanted me to meet this great guy... I told him I don't know, I want to focus on my relationship with God and not another relationship. Well, I eventually met him and we were supposed to go out on this group date thing and I couldn't because my friend from college (a male) was coming into town. I hoped he was still going and even I brought my friend from college. Well, he didn't come. So, his perception was that of rejection, with that, it was touch and go from the start... Though, we did manage to become friends, and hung out as a group from church once or twice a week... I was interested in him, thought he was cute - great smile - but if I made any forward advances towards him, he'd turn tail and run away. Finally, used to this behavior, I gave him his space and tread very carefully around him. Finally, he decided, he fell head over heels and so did I, frankly... We were inseparable and found HUGE things in common, desires and dreams... and two and a half months later, he asked me to marry him. Yes, I was worried AND excited all at the same time.

Early warnings...
* The cat and mouse games at first
* The intensity when he finally committed
* His anger and rage over my previous relational and sexual experiences (of which I was extremely regretful and begged forgiveness for years)
* The impulsiveness of not waiting like planned but going ahead and asking me to marry him 3 months early.
* My desire to make him into the man of God I'd hoped I would be married to - a man, much like his father, a great international preacher.

Note the emphasis on MAKE HIM... it was wrong but I tried... to make him the spiritual leader of our home. To my knowledge, it never happened and he eventually decided that he was tired of not measuring up and that he's not even sure God is involved in our lives intimately in the first place. We were fundamentally moving apart...

Unfortunately, three kids later... (now married 10 yrs nearly 11 - but separation occured right before 9th anniversary)...

Okay, round two Lora... (this is kind of painful but also helpful to look for patterns)

Great job guys.

Are we ready for exercise 2? It sort of long and my computer is acting up, but will try and post it. I may wait for Jo to get the book to help me.. she can proably do some tricky computer thing and not have to type it all.

We met in Melbourne. My father had recently died, and I'd moved there to be closer to friends. He was the brother of one of those friends. He was a lot of fun - life of the party, great sense of humour, made me laugh at a time when I needed it most.

Warning signs - many, and I think I recognized them a bit, but chose to ignore them. He initially wanted our relationship to be a secret - he wasn't comfortable with everyone knowing about 'us' as I was 2 years older. And he couldn't really commit to me initially. I had to really tread water for awhile, while he vascillated back and forth. I kept waiting for him. He eventually moved into the house I shared with other friends of ours. It was at a time of flux when I really needed to move on from there, and be on my own, and he was very reluctant to do so - he wanted us to stay there. Looking back on it, he was more interested in being part of a group of people, with the convenience of me on the side, rather than being with me per se.

M.

Bumping this up for anyone who wants to join us in these exercises to heal, recover from thir relaiotnship.

Thanks, Lora, for posting this. I was going to do these by myself, but it's helpful to share with others. In 12-step programs, when you do a personal inventory, it's important to share it with others in order to really believe and accept what you discover and, in the process, to be accepted by another person for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Here goes:

Where we met. We met at work. He was obviously interested in me and began pursuing me. I discovered he was married and told him I wouldn't get involved with a married man. He insisted that his marriage was over, that he and his wife lived together as roommates, working different shifts so they could take care of their infant son. (Are the clues of failure already apparent?!) I'm ashamed to say I believed him or allowed myself to go along with the lie.

What attracted me. I had a bad work history (my fault - irresponsible attitude and too much partying with co-workers) but had recently earned a professional license that I didn't want to lose. I needed someone to act out my anti-authoritarian streak while I "went straight." We started taking our dinner breaks together. It seemed like we could talk for hours about anything. He was romantic, affectionate, and exciting.

Expectations. I felt like we belonged together, that we were "soulmates." I knew he had problems, but I wanted to help him. He would bring his son everywhere with him and I found this endearing. We moved in together, with his son, and I had an instant family.

Clues of failure. Lying, cheating on his wife, verbally abusive to his wife. He hid his drug and alcohol use from me at first, but I realized within 6 months that when he drank, he got angry, first at his wife, later at me. He always had other women "friends" that I felt I was supposed to accept, yet was extremely jealous of my past relationships. I was always finding fault and trying to mold him to be the man I "knew" he could be when I should have been working on myself (this is why I go to Al-Anon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>