Telling the real story

We all have a paticular mythology about every romance we get into. Thats the love story, the story in which the meeting is magical and fated and we "fall in love" and we assume we will go on " living happily ever after"

If we look closely at what accutally goes on, we se there is another relationship going on- the deveolpmental process. Exercise 2 is to help discover the developmental preocess that was operating in your relationship.

A. Write what was going on in your life when the relationship began. What were you and your partner each trying to accomplish when you met? Were you starting a business, ready for children, getting a degree?

B. Where were you in terms of relationships. Waiting for a new one, ending an old one?

C. What was your developmental task. Where you trying to get mothering you never had? Incorporate your sexuality, Gain a sense of power, or intelligence? Understand your fathers unavailability, or your mothers possessiveness?

D. What was your gift to him or her? Example: He helped me believe I was loveable person and I rescued him from his mothers clutches.

E. How did the clue for failure ultimatly maifest itself? Example: The person who had one to many drinks turned out to be an alcoholic. The person overly generous was a spendthrift.

F. If the story of your relatioship was made into a movie what would it be called? Examples: Great expectations, 2 ships that should have passed in the night, The year of living dangerously.

G. What was the real reason the relationship ended? The reason has to do with completinion of your developmental task, What task did you complete? What task did your partner complete? Example: I outgrew my need for a mommy. I got in touch with my power, we finished raising the children, It was all sex, that wasnt enough.

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

oooh, good one. I'll contemplate this while I drive my Mom and Dad to the airport and check in with ya later. How many total exercises are there? Just so I know how to pace myself.

thx,... this really is cathartic!!!

Warmly,
Nicole

Nicole,
Next is facing the ending... you get to write a poisen pen letter.

Then Taking the gifts

And last is redefining reality.

But some have multiple parts as number 2 does.

Hi Lora,

I told my husband about this exercise we're doing last night (or I should say 'this morning' - he works a horrid modified swing shift. Blah). Anyway, he encouraged me to continue, with his blessing. So here I am in Part Deux.

A. Write what was going on in your life when the relationship began. What were you and your partner each trying to accomplish when you met? Were you starting a business, ready for children, getting a degree?
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was Feb. 1980. I had just turned 21, he was halfway through 20, and we both hated it at home. Our parents embarrassed us for differing reasons, and we both were looking for a savior, I think. He was a virgin, I was SOOOOO not, and had been (as the song in the 70's said) Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places. We both worked boring jobs, neither of us made enough to live alone, but together we could barely sorta support us.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">B. Where were you in terms of relationships. Waiting for a new one, ending an old one?
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He never had a girlfriend before me. I still can't believe it considering he was so incredibly gorgeous. I had just ended another of my litany of non-relationships with sex.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">C. What was your developmental task. Where you trying to get mothering you never had? Incorporate your sexuality, Gain a sense of power, or intelligence? Understand your fathers unavailability, or your mothers possessiveness?</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He was looking for someone to love him and give him sex, and I was looking for someone to love me FOR REAL.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D. What was your gift to him or her? Example: He helped me believe I was loveable person and I rescued him from his mothers clutches.</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His self-esteem was in the toilet, and I helped him gain it. At first, anyway. In the end, I'd created a monstor and he was so bloated up with *himself* that he made me sick.
  He helped me realize my potential as a mother, and at first made me feel completely worthy. We got pregnant right away, and I loved this part of myself that he helped to nurture.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">E. How did the clue for failure ultimatly maifest itself? Example: The person who had one to many drinks turned out to be an alcoholic. The person overly generous was a spendthrift.</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The person who had a 'problem' with women was a serial cheater. The person who ripped doors off the hinges and punched holes in the walls never stopped destructive/abusive behavior - even if it was "just" verbal or emotional.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F. If the story of your relatioship was made into a movie what would it be called? Examples: Great expectations, 2 ships that should have passed in the night, The year of living dangerously.</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Sex Covers a Multitude of Sins</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">G. What was the real reason the relationship ended? The reason has to do with completinion of your developmental task, What task did you complete? What task did your partner complete? Example: I outgrew my need for a mommy. I got in touch with my power, we finished raising the children, It was all sex, that wasnt enough.</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I died an emotional death.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Well, it took longer than I thought to get back here but here goes...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A. Write what was going on in your life when the relationship began. What were you and your partner each trying to accomplish when you met? Were you starting a business, ready for children, getting a degree?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was just coming off two back to back relationships - both lasting two plus years. And both the anticipated end was marriage but ended up breaking up. Emotionally I was drained... spiritually, I was charged. I just wanted to find my relationship with the Lord.

I had just moved to LA to work on my masters degree. I was interested in international things but not really sure how to go about it. I had a zest for life and just wanted to get on with it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">B. Where were you in terms of relationships. Waiting for a new one, ending an old one?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I already answered this. I was just out of two long-term relationships (back to back) and I was truly ready to get myself "right" with God. I had lost my virginity early and really felt I needed some time to heal from those poor decisions and to get centered before getting into another relationship. I remember telling my Sunday School teacher (the same one who introduced me to my stbx) that I don't care what the guy looked like, as long as he loved the Lord more than me... this is the type of guy I was seeking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">C. What was your developmental task. Where you trying to get mothering you never had? Incorporate your sexuality, Gain a sense of power, or intelligence? Understand your fathers unavailability, or your mothers possessiveness?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was seeking a "partnership" of sorts, a spiritual union - where we could join in relationship, with a vision for the future and seeking wherever God would lead us... I had my sites set very high in terms of spiritual and intellectual standards...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D. What was your gift to him or her? Example: He helped me believe I was loveable person and I rescued him from his mothers clutches.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My gift was my pragmatics and "can do" attitude. He had the vision... I remember distinctly the conversation we had where he shared his "dream" or vision. I visualized myself as the one building the scaffolding around this vision to make it happen. This became the pattern throughout our relationship. He would share an "end" or a dream and I went about doing this... the problem was he would pop off with something (that I thought was his desire) and before ya knew it, I was half-way building it or preparing for him - the grand master painter/architech to come in - only to find he was 1/2 hearted about it to begin with and felt manipulated that I tried to "force" his hand in that certain direction. I was hurt at the accusation but realize now that I should have asked some further questions or better yet, not start building anything... just let him start or build it himself. I was a "performer" and was on this "performance" treadmill... and so for love, I felt I had to perform. It was wrong and ended up really hurting the situation. It was a bad cycle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">E. How did the clue for failure ultimatly maifest itself? Example: The person who had one to many drinks turned out to be an alcoholic. The person overly generous was a spendthrift. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I developed this "sense" that I knew what was best and would try to create situations that in my limited perception felt was the best course. I've since learned to check in along the way with him (or whomever) before I go and build the scaffolding... to ensure that we're on the same page. I also have been told that I err on jumping to conclusions too quickly... I look for patterns and then pull them together and unfortunately sometimes make the craziest assumptions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F. If the story of your relatioship was made into a movie what would it be called? Examples: Great expectations, 2 ships that should have passed in the night, The year of living dangerously.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Dreams, visions, life...shattered" - that would be my title
"Misery" - this is what my stbx's says

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">G. What was the real reason the relationship ended? The reason has to do with completinion of your developmental task, What task did you complete? What task did your partner complete? Example: I outgrew my need for a mommy. I got in touch with my power, we finished raising the children, It was all sex, that wasnt enough.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We parted company in a number of ways... it seems that the very thing(s) that brought us together ultimately changed and our foundation suddenly seemed so very different and we just couldn't navigate our way through the different philosophical underpinnings of our relationship. It seemed that all discussions and decisions revolved around our very different premises. I also think that the fact that we were born in two different countries impacted our relationship in ways we'll never fully know.

Again... thanks for this opportunity. I asked my stbx what movie he would call our relationship in terms of a movie and he said he'd tell me later... I'll edit my post when he answers... but then he added, "Anything I say will just make you mad and you'll get upset later." I told him to quit being afraid of my reactions - and that I reserve the right to not be happy by every thing that comes out of his mouth... here we go again.

Cheers,
Nicole

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</small>

wow Nicole!

Dont have any time, to respond, but wow. I see some of my relationship in yours too.

A. Write what was going on in your life when the relationship began. What were you and your partner each trying to accomplish when you met? I was working myself through college. My H had a new baby and was looking to start a family with someone other than his wife, it seems.

B. Where were you in terms of relationships? I had just ended a 5-year relationship that overlapped another 5-year relationship. The first was really my 1st sexual relationship and that's about all it was. The 2nd was mostly about security. He wanted to get married, I didn't, yet I stuck around for 5 years until I realized that two halves didn't make a whole. My H was married to his 1st wife.

C. What was your developmental task? I was learning, kind of late at 30, to take financial responsibility for myself and since I was late, I was simultaneously interested in settling down and starting a family. I also wanted someone to really love me who I could love completely without always looking for someone better. I think my H was also looking for a family and someone to adore him without manipulating him.

D. What was your gift to him or her? His gift to me was providing me with a step-son, since I was unable to have children, and thus an opportunity to discover my nurturing, mothering side. My gift to him was the opportunity to fully express his visionary side, like Nicole described. My H and I built a business together. He was the visionary and I helped make it a reality.

E. How did the clue for failure ultimately manifest itself? His lying to, cheating on, and verbally and emotionally abusing his wife became lying to, cheating on, and verbally and emotionally abusing me. Although he was sober for a number of years (not sure how long because of the lying), he returned to drugs and alcohol,at least a year before he finally left, and with them came the abuse, accusing me of never loving or admiring him - he resented my efforts to "mold" him (imagine that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

F. If the story of your relatioship was made into a movie what would it be called? The Titanic, or abandoning a sinking (relation)ship before all the lifeboats are full.

G. What was the real reason the relationship ended? I learned to take care of myself, learned I could be a mother. He cast me in the role of his mother, alternatively adoring and withholding, dumped all the blame for all of his problems on me and then left with someone too young to know any better.