STBX got his act together. Divorce hearing is on December 5th, and it should be final on January 6th 2003.

I didn't think he would do it guys...he is such a conflict avoider, but it is obvious to me he was trying to get it done before he got here with OW. Now it will become official WHEN HE IS BACK IN THE COUNTRY.

I feel like C***. I knew it was coming, but it hurts anyway. Oh, and our 11 year anniversary is in exactly one week.

Thanks for listening.

Jacky

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

I'm sorry Jacky.

As I think about this, my feelings tell me that although he is a conflict avoider, the most recent events of him pushing OW into the mix for the holidays may have triggered his moves. He feels shame, I'm sure.

It's plain to see he is still conflicted. As recent as last week he sent his remorse email to you. And even tho OW does not know about it, she knows things between them are not cinched, that they are not as tight as she thought. So she has probably forced his hand. She wants to feel legit, and as long as he's married to you, how can she be legit. So much manipulation, what a relationship to be proud of, NOT.

Are you okay, Jacky? I know this is a blow. Try to take it in stride. Give yourself a break and try not to stress to much Hon. The last few days have been hard, and we're here to listen if you need us.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Thanks so much Jo,

No, I am not okay, but I have to soldier on right now. The kids have swimming lessons in an hour, and my face is one of those that bloats a lot after crying...so I have to hold it in. Besides, I don't want my kids to see me like that.

I am sure that what you said is right. My lawyer even said so....cos I was seeking her advice over the Christmas visitation (nothing I can do btw). But she said...."Your letter certainly had an effect on him because I received the papers on your behalf...blah, blah."

Well, if that is the sort of relationship they have, good luck to them. I can just see her sitting around gloating over this, and I know he feels guilty about it. I am trying to think about the time line of all this, and allowing for delays because he is overseas, I think he filed, and then felt remorse, and wrote that first letter. It fits better than any other reason I can come up with for his remorseful turn.

I wish I was where you are now, with all this behind me.

Thanks again,

Jacky

Jacky,

I have the same kind of face. I tell people I don't have a "Poker Face". Means you can read me like a book by simply lookin at me.

I really admire your strength you have for your kids. One day they will know all the wonderful things you've done for them and on their behalf. You're a damn good Mom, Jacky. Find solice in knowing that, okay.

I'm thinking of you.
Jo

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

So you think he filed, and then sent the remorse email to you after that?

Jackie,

yes, it hurts, but afterwards, there will be some relief, and you will have the big roller coaster drop, and then the roller coaster will slowly fade away. . . .

Possibly, he does feel remorse over the filing. . . which was the purpose of the email, and it is an admittance that he is lost within himself. . . and he will find himself sometime in the next 5-10 years. . . .

meanwhile, you will find yourself in a much better place in two - three years. . . and you will recover. . . time and patience is the key. . .

good luck, my thoughts are with you,

wiftty

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 01:14 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

Jacky,

Am really sorry this is happening to you. The timing sounds like it fits with the filing/remorse letter, and explains his feelings at that point, I guess. And like everyone else says, it sounds like he's under some pressure there from Ms Clickety Clack.

I really wish you the best for the next couple of months - hang in there.

Lots of hugs,
M.

Hi Jax...

May HIS Peace and Presence pervade your Spirit and your home today. Find a "safe" place to cry and mourn a bit... I'm very sorry to hear of these events but I concur with WIFTTy, that in 5 years (or I guess 2-5 yrs) he will find himself and realize what a complete a$$ he's been. You know he's already bouncing back and forth between what an a$$ I've been to I DESERVE this and right now, his taker is winning.

Let's see how mentally healthy he is by looking at how long it takes him to self correct. Nah, forget about him... as you say 'soldier on' and keep your chin up...

You've got SO MUCH to offer that it's better for you now to hold on to yourself, heal and then move on... You will be so much healthier if you can focus on this.

Warmly,
Nicole
(hugs, love and light... and my own, Peace and Presence from Him for you, my dear friend!)

Jax... this post might be a helpful exercise for you to prepare for the ending... so that when you see him, you will have processed much of your feelings...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=007628

Take care...

Nicole

Jacky - I'm sorry about this development. He does seem to be in a very soupy fog.

Getting over the next hurdle won't be easy but look how far you've come. You are doing well and you will make it through this. Then life can settle down and there will be less stress.

As for the blotchy face after you cry...were you looking at me yesterday? It was a miserable day.

And, as for my experience, I don't know that my x has ever felt sorry. But I know how much I wish he had. (He married a really nice woman at the 5-year mark.)

Don't know what else to say. I'm sorry it's come to this. He does want to legitimize their relationship. And one day, maybe, he'll come out of the fog and see the truth.

But until then, rest assured that we have faith in you and know that you are doing a good job with those children.

(((((Jacky)))))

Jacky?

How are you doing today? We're here if you need us.

Jo

Was afraid of this...But as churchill said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...'

What's the worst thing that can come of this???You still legally have him by the ying yang. Make dad gum shure that attorney fights for the moral stability of these kids. And that NO OVERNIGHT STAYS WITH OTHER WOMAN IS PERMITTED WHATSOEVER. And I am in agreement with others here. Being a conflict avoider he is siding with the past of least resistance. He sees OW, ms. clickety clack, on a daily basis so he has to answer to her not you now. That explains this whole filing. First they do the breakup mind warp, then comes the "it's either me or that wife of yours" and then the "your kids will understand over time" bit and the deed is done. But it is HIS ACTIONS AND HIS LIFE that is to be dealt with. You have been good as a mom and a good person. Your conscience is clean. Yes, I cried my heart out when stbx beat me at the second filing for divorce by only hours this last january. Then he had enough gaul to stop by where son and I were eating dinner so he could see me and look at my bumpy red face.

Stand tall. You will persevere. There is nothing new going on here basicallly except that spineless dude is giving in to the clickety ho. So you keep up the fight and add a few more logs to the legal fire. Hey, I had to do this today...And it su3ks... But we have to stand up for our kids. Even when they twist the reality into their kind of alternative ultra liberal truth. We know what is up. So do judges and others who have been here and heard the same story and same song. Just each melody is a bit different. And I would still SEND THAT REMORSE LETTER CERTIFIED MAIL TO OW SO SHE CAN SEE WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON. They are doomed. Does she think a piece of paper like a divorce decree can make sin disappear? Not even Houdini can do that. And remember, keep fogging him right back...I have to remind myself to do this whenever I deal with stbx. And I had one heck of a day too..

Biggie hug (((())))). You are going to be fine. Mount that attack now. It is time. You are not doing anything except protecting the kids. Don't think that ms. clickety clack is going to let him go easy on this. It is their future development into adults we must be concerned with. They must see that this is not right and that their mother demands respect for herself and her children. This will help them grow and one day not repeat these same painful mistakes their dad made. We must stop history from repeating itself...ok? "
Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING, to STAND." You will stand. I will stand. And our kids will too. Chin up.

Was afraid of this...But as churchill said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...'

What's the worst thing that can come of this???You still legally have him by the ying yang. Make dad gum shure that attorney fights for the moral stability of these kids. And that NO OVERNIGHT STAYS WITH OTHER WOMAN IS PERMITTED WHATSOEVER. And I am in agreement with others here. Being a conflict avoider he is siding with the path of least resistance. He sees OW, ms. clickety clack, on a daily basis so he has to answer to her not you now. That explains this whole filing. First they do the breakup mind warp, then comes the "it's either me or that wife of yours" and then the "your kids will understand over time" bit and the deed is done. But it is HIS ACTIONS AND HIS LIFE that is to be dealt with. You have been good as a mom and a good person. Your conscience is clean. Yes, I cried my heart out when stbx beat me at the second filing for divorce by only hours this last january. Then he had enough gaul to stop by where son and I were eating dinner so he could see me and look at my bumpy red face.

Stand tall. You will persevere. There is nothing new going on here basicallly except that spineless dude is giving in to the clickety ho. So you keep up the fight and add a few more logs to the legal fire. Hey, I had to do this today...And it su3ks... But we have to stand up for our kids. Even when they twist the reality into their kind of alternative ultra liberal truth. We know what is up. So do judges and others who have been here and heard the same story and same song. Just each melody is a bit different. And I would still SEND THAT REMORSE LETTER CERTIFIED MAIL TO OW SO SHE CAN SEE WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON. They are doomed. Does she think a piece of paper like a divorce decree can make sin disappear? Not even Houdini can do that. And remember, keep fogging him right back...I have to remind myself to do this whenever I deal with stbx. And I had one heck of a day too..

Biggie hug (((())))). You are going to be fine. Mount that attack now. It is time. You are not doing anything except protecting the kids. Don't think that ms. clickety clack is going to let him go easy on this. It is their future development into adults we must be concerned with. They must see that this is not right and that their mother demands respect for herself and her children. This will help them grow and one day not repeat these same painful mistakes their dad made. We must stop history from repeating itself...ok? "
Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING, to STAND." You will stand. I will stand. And our kids will too. Chin up.

Was afraid of this...But as churchill said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...'

What's the worst thing that can come of this???You still legally have him by the ying yang. Make dad gum shure that attorney fights for the moral stability of these kids. And that NO OVERNIGHT STAYS WITH OTHER WOMAN IS PERMITTED WHATSOEVER. And I am in agreement with others here. Being a conflict avoider he is siding with the path of least resistance. He sees OW, ms. clickety clack, on a daily basis so he has to answer to her not you now. That explains this whole filing. First they do the breakup mind warp, then comes the "it's either me or that wife of yours" and then the "your kids will understand over time" bit and the deed is done. But it is HIS ACTIONS AND HIS LIFE that is to be dealt with. You have been good as a mom and a good person. Your conscience is clean. Yes, I cried my heart out when stbx beat me at the second filing for divorce by only hours this last january. Then he had enough gaul to stop by where son and I were eating dinner so he could see me and look at my bumpy red face.

Stand tall. You will persevere. There is nothing new going on here basicallly except that spineless dude is giving in to the clickety ho. So you keep up the fight and add a few more logs to the legal fire. Hey, I had to do this today...And it su3ks... But we have to stand up for our kids. Even when they twist the reality into their kind of alternative ultra liberal truth. We know what is up. So do judges and others who have been here and heard the same story and same song. Just each melody is a bit different. And I would still SEND THAT REMORSE LETTER CERTIFIED MAIL TO OW SO SHE CAN SEE WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON. They are doomed. Does she think a piece of paper like a divorce decree can make sin disappear? Not even Houdini can do that. And remember, keep fogging him right back...I have to remind myself to do this whenever I deal with stbx. And I had one heck of a day too..

Biggie hug (((())))). You are going to be fine. Mount that attack now. It is time. You are not doing anything except protecting the kids. Don't think that ms. clickety clack is going to let him go easy on this. It is their future development into adults we must be concerned with. They must see that this is not right and that their mother demands respect for herself and her children. This will help them grow and one day not repeat these same painful mistakes their dad made. We must stop history from repeating itself...ok? "
Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING, to STAND." You will stand. I will stand. And our kids will too. Chin up.

Thanks, wiftty mn, Nicole, Cinderella, Resilient and Peachy and anyone I might have missed.

I had an excellent sleep last night for some reason, and so did the kids. It is the Melbourne Cup holiday here today, so we all slept late, and I am feeling more able to cope. Still very sad and very confused, but this is the path he has chosen, so what can I do about it but get on with my life.

I had a long talk with my son last night about Christmas, and he is still determined not to go with his dad if OW is there. I was trying to come up with some compromises he would be happy with...he came up with two:

He will go away for the holiday if OW is not there, but the day trips from home she can be there...he just won't be. OR

The reverse....he will go on day trips if she is not there, and not the holiday, so she can be.

I made sure he knew that I was trying to come up with the solution that would make him happy. He said "That's what I like about you...you are thinking about how I feel about this." I mean he is NINE but has the brain of a fifteen year old.

Son has agreed to talk with the school guidance officer about this too, which I am very pleased about. Previously he would not even consider discussing this with anyone, including me.

So.I guess what I am trying to say is that I am so concerned with my son and his feelings about Christmas, I don't have TIME or energy left over to process my feelings properly about the divorce. I think I am just going to have to put it on the back shelf until I have nothing else to worry about. I WILL let myself deal with it, but MY worries are not paramount in our home right now.

Thanks for listening.

Love and light,

Jacky