I am having the biggest problem with how to react to what my daughter is feeling and what she says to me sometimes.

Just a little background about our family. We were the all american family. We were very close and did everything together. We would have so much fun eating supper together, laughed together, played together. Just loved that family time that everyone dreams about. Both sides of the family were close and we enjoyed and loved each other very much. Then I did the unthinkable and went to some darkside of myself that I can't explain(see signature line) and still can't believe. I completely ripped our family apart.

I live with so much guilt everyday and so much repentance everyday. My wife is engaged to a guy who she hasn't known but for about three months.

Here is my problems and dilema. First, more than a few times my daughter has said "I don't want mom marrying the other guy". She told me the other day that she wishes she could take a magic wand and go "POOF" and the other guy would turn into me." My son also tells me he wishes we were a family again but he is 13 and he understands a little bit.

Second, my daughter will start crying for something little(and it doesnt even have to do with me) and while she is crying she tells me she is mad at me for breaking our family up and she is never going to forgive me. She told me tonite that she only likes me a little bit. She won't even let me touch her and try and console her when she is like this. She will usually come to me later and apologize and tells me she loves me but the hurt I feel is unbearable. I know she tells me this because she wants the happy family we use to have back again. I do to but my wife has different ideas.

Like I have said before I am so remorseful and have taken full responsibilty for my part in what I have done. To be perfectly honest with you, when something like this happens with my daughter I just want to die for what I have caused. If my family only knew the guilt and shame I live with everyday.

I just want them to know I am sorry for the pain and if I could change the past I would. A lot of you guys know the complete change I have done so all I can do is to look at where I am today and pray that God will work a miracle for my family. I LOVE my wife with all my heart and I LOVE my family with all my soul and I just want them back somehow to share more laughs and share more good family time together.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Wow ((((((((cajunky))))))))) what a cross to bear.

I thought about this for a little bit, my views being from the other side of the tracks. You know 2 years ago my response probably would have been &#8220;you made your bed now lay in it&#8221;. But your question made me realize how much better of a Christian I am today, for that thank you.

I really don&#8217;t think I&#8217;ve posted to you much so I&#8217;m not really up to speed on your story. I have a 7yo daughter and yes the divorce was extremely tough on her. Funny thing is that after the 1st couple of months I thought that she was the one that adjusted the quickest. Personally, I got all three of my girls into counseling before our divorce was final. I really do believe that it helps them through the cycles. Well about 5 months ago, we ran into a super busy time of year and the counseling appointments got left by the side of the road. Then through some conversation with my 7 yo, I realized that she still hadn&#8217;t &#8220;accepted&#8221; the divorce. Keep in mind that this is a year plus post divorce and they&#8217;ve been living ½ time with the OM for darn near a year. Then recently my 13 yo showed signs of regression.

I guess what I&#8217;m trying to say is that 1. it does take time and 2. I would highly recommend counseling. Another thing that could play a role in this is that if by your actions, if you give them false hope. Your sig. line says how much you&#8217;d love to be a family again but the reality of the situation is that is not likely to happen. Now if the children pick up from you that there is hope and from mom that there is none, then they are obviously left in a confused state.

One last thing, next time your 7 yo starts her crying thing, you might try saying &#8220;Honey, I&#8217;m sorry, I know this is hard, and I love&#8221; in a very calm voice. Then leave it at that. If she wants to open up further she will, it worked once for me with my 9 yo&#8230;

Best of luck my Brother.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Losthusband...Thanks so much for the comments. They were much appreciated especially since you are on the other side of the fence.

Counseling would be a good idea but we can not afford it right now. She would benefit from it but Like your daughter did I don't think they will ever accept it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another thing that could play a role in this is that if by your actions, if you give them false hope. Your sig. line says how much you’d love to be a family again but the reality of the situation is that is not likely to happen. Now if the children pick up from you that there is hope and from mom that there is none, then they are obviously left in a confused state.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We pray about our situation and pray that God will put our family back together. Kids specific words are "God, do with our family what you will" Sometimes the kids say " God put our family back together". My words now are " God you know what I want for our family so whatever it is that you have planned for our family please let it be done". The kids know I want our marriage back and I want to be with them and there mother full time and I will continue to pray with them.

I just want them to learn to rely on God for everything and to bring everything to God in prayer.

I told my daughter the other day that there may be a day when daddy would go out with someone. Her exact words were " If you do I will never come see you". I think she is viewing me as the last thing of our old family so she doesn't want to lose it.

I just hurt so bad all the time for our family.

Thanks for the prayers. I have a long road ahead of me but God will provide the answers.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 06:03 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Many churches, as mine do, offer some initial form of counseling. That would be a tremendous help. There are many child advocacy centers that offer counseling too.

Above all listen to them. Hear them. You are doing as good as you can do.

There are quite a few options to look to for counseling when you can&#8217;t afford it. First if the children have insurance, some types of counseling may be in the policy. Second, some &#8220;Mental Health&#8221; centers have something call &#8220;Family Preservation&#8221; that is a temporary service to help them through the rough time. Some of the church&#8217;s in your community may have free or reduced rate counseling. At one time, we went through counseling through a part-time phych. that worked out of our church and she charged based upon ability to pay. The bigger question to me is &#8220;Can you afford not too?&#8221;

I totally agree in teaching the children to &#8220;Give it to God&#8221; but I also think that you must raise them in reality. The reality of the situation is that you are divorced and you have to do everything possible to aid your children in healing.

If the little girl prays &#8220;God put our family back together &#8220;, that&#8217;s an awful heart warming prayer and I think it could lead to some good conversation.

1. You need to instill in her that she has a Family; she has a mother that loves her and a father that loves her. Granted her family doesn&#8217;t look like it did before, but she has a family.

2. Sometimes God&#8217;s answer is &#8220;NO&#8221;.

&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;The kids know I want our marriage back and I want to be with them and there mother full time and I will continue to pray with them.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

Not knowing &#8220;how they know&#8221; you want your marriage back makes me a little hesitant to comment but I must point out that depending on &#8220;How the know&#8221; or &#8220;How you show/tell them&#8221; can be harmful to them moving through the grieving process. Praying with them is great, I pray privately with each of my girls every night that they are at my house. Sometimes I lead the prayer, but most of the time I let them lead the prayer. Even when I WANTED MY WIFE BACK, my prayers with the kids were about healing and blessing everyone, I left &#8220;my&#8221; business with the Lord for my prayer in private.

&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;I told my daughter the other day that there may be a day when daddy would go out with someone. Her exact words were " If you do I will never come see you". I think she is viewing me as the last thing of our old family so she doesn't want to lose it.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

Some things are just better left unsaid and done in private. I had a talk with my girls about dating about 8 months ago and they were all supportive on one day. But their action and later conversations showed that was not the case. Sure they may see you as the &#8220;rock&#8221; or whatever but once again you must do what is going to be best for them. Sure your 13 yo may think it&#8217;s pretty cool, or he may not, but your 7 yo is definitely not old enough to process all the information that you give her.

Not that divorce is ever a positive thing, but how you choose to guide your children through the grieving process, can have positive or negative consequences that will follow them throughout their lives.

Again, best of luck and if you&#8217;d like to continue this feel free to e-mail me at the below address.

May the Lord grant you peace, my brother.

HI Cajunky, just read this thread and want you to know that I am praying for you. You are going to get alot of different opinions, stick to what the Lord is telling you. The devil is the one who is putting the guilt and shame on you. Rebuke him!
God has forgiven you, yes there are still consequences, but guilt is not of God. Remember who you are in Christ, especially in those times of feeling shame and guilt.
Hang in there, and continue to let the Lord lead you in His Will.
Your childrens prayers are very powerful, I am very glad to hear that you pray together over this situation.
Your daughter knows what she wants, and will pray in that direction and is standing too!
You are an encouragement to so many, to see how far you've come, it's awesome. As you said to me earlier in another thread, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For some strong reason I believe that God is not done with you yet. He is using you in ways you don't even know about. Lately I have had a couple people come up to me and say "I don't beleive God is done with you and Donna(my wife) yet." I feel the same about you and your husband.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So hang in there and remember you've been redeemed!
God bless you brother, Love in Christ, SW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stillwaiting:
<strong> You are going to get alot of different opinions, stick to what the Lord is telling you. The devil is the one who is putting the guilt and shame on you. Rebuke him!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cajunky,
I absolutely agree with Still..
I KNOW you are hurting, my brother. I KNOW it's hard, listening to your children's heartbreak as well.

Remember, when we sin, we DO have to live with the after-effects of it, maybe forever. After all, since Christ BECAME sin for us, HE will bear our scars forever. So it is painful to see that reminder (in the form of your children's pain and acting out).

Your D's acting out (crying, becoming vengeful, etc) is very normal, albeit heart-rending. It's hard for her to completely verbalize all she is assimilating, so this is how she deals with it all. All you really can do is be steady, compassionate, and absolutely unwavering. Even tho her mother appears to be heading toward another M, you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors. She might be picking up some wavering, or uncertainty, in Mom's words or actions. This might be confusing her, and causing her to act this way. Even if your W is "totally sure" of what she is doing, obviously your D does not agree with her mother's choices. That's normal. ALL kids want their parents to get back together when there is a Div. This is b/c Div. is TOTALLY against God's perfect plan.

As Stillwaiting stated, YOU stick to what God has put in your heart. Pray for/about your D., and ask God to put peace in her heart, and FOR SURE ask Him to put stumbling blocks in front of your W's path if this is not His Will.

Now don't freak out, but I must add this: It might be God's Will for your W to go through with this, and end up in a worse place with someone else before she wakes up. We really can't see the whole picture the way God does. That's frustrating sometimes, but true.

All we are called upon to do is TRUST HIM totally, and BELIEVE He will give us the best He has for us.

Final point (I promise!) is this: GIVE PRAISE TO GOD IN ALL THINGS. This serves His purpose best. I think you can do this as an example to your children of how God wants them to behave in all situations. It will also bring them peace.

My .02
God Bless you, my brother.

Losthusband...You have brought up some very good points. I will look into getting some counseling for my daughter after the first of the year. Right now I am living with my parents until we sell our house then I will be moving closer to kids(they are 50 minutes away). I think when I get my own place for them to call home it will make some differance but I feel I will still have to get her into some sort of counselor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">“How the know” or “How you show/tell them” can be harmful to them moving through the grieving process. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I look them in the eye and tell them I am sorry and that I love them everytime I am with them. I tell them I wish I could be with them and their mother full time again. We always hug tightly and they tell me they love me and they wish I could be with them too. I do pray for wife and I privately now but kids still pray for God to be with Mom and Dad and to be with our family and to do his will.

Sometimes Gods answer is NO but I just don't know what his answer is yet. I still feel his presence when I pray about this situation so right now I can't give up on God working a miracle.

I don't know if my daughter will ever accept me going out on a date. We were out eating yesterday and I saw a old friend from college and we hugged and talked for a few minutes. When I got back to table my daughter had this look in her eyes and asked 20 questions. It was apparent that she was very uncomfortable with the situation. I know I won't want to for a lonnnng time but if I ever do I will have my work cut out for me.

Stillwaiting....some days are a lot harder than others. I know God has forgiven me but it is so hard when the people( Wife,kids,in-laws) I want to feel like has forgiven me seem so mad at me and unforgiving. I guess a lot of it is bitterness in their hearts which I can't take away but I wish so bad I could. I know only they can with Gods help but it just hurts to love someone so much and want to be a part of someones life so much to only have them hate you.

Lupo.....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Remember, when we sin, we DO have to live with the after-effects of it, maybe forever. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish so bad I could fix it where there were no after-effects. I just want to make things good again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU stick to what God has put in your heart. Pray for/about your D., and ask God to put peace in her heart, and FOR SURE ask Him to put stumbling blocks in front of your W's path if this is not His Will.

Now don't freak out, but I must add this: It might be God's Will for your W to go through with this, and end up in a worse place with someone else before she wakes up. We really can't see the whole picture the way God does. That's frustrating sometimes, but true.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray everyday that something will trigger my wife to want to put our family back together again. God knows what he is doing so I really have left it up to him.

Don't worry I am not freaking out about what you said. I have already thought about maybe wife would marry and then say "Wow....If shane has changed then my marriage was great before. I loved what I had in my family."

I do trust in God and because of that my character and spiritual growth are building more and more each day.

Thanks for the prayers. We all have a long road but we can travel it together.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 03:01 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

dearest Cajunky
You are tugging at my heart today,all I want
to say I am praying for you and your family.
And that you will have the strenght to continiously
do what is right.
You are a great source of strength to many of us.
"blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see GOD

Most people will tell you they are just children & over time will heal. This is not true their world has been changed forever. When X left us for MOW our son told his dad he would hate him. X thinking this was just a childish statement didnt give it any thought. X hit our son with I'll be dating MOW now that we are D & your mother will be dating anyway. Our 13 yr old quit seeing his dad after that statement. When our son saw his dad months later he wouldnt look at him or talk with X. Son tells me he hates his dad & hates OW and will never accept her. He feels he his dad loved this woman more than him. took son to dr who said I cant change our son's mind about his dad, its dad place to do that. X will not go to talk with Dr. about son problems just blames me. Ive been waiting since 5-01 for x just to call his only child & talk with him. Would it hurt just to call & say I love you. Dont give up talking with your children, keep telling them you love them & want to be a part of their lives or you will lose them. Be careful if you do date, it really hurt our son to see his father do things with OW children when he was too tired to do them with him. Unless its abuse, children are hoping that their parents get back together.

m-17 yrs, 9mts. 12 days
h-43, me-48
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-23-02

OW-31
m-10
c-3 under 10
d-7-02

Hey Cajunky, just a question, if you feel that the Lord is wanting you and your W back together, why would you consider dating? I don't mean to put you down about the dating, but if you do, is that not giving up? Has the Lord not given you clear direction about your W? Okay so that was more than one question!

Another point that hit me earlier, you mentioned that your W knows how you feel. I can't believe that she could really let that go, I mean, knowing that you love her, she must see the changes in you. What ever she does, whether or not she goes through with this other M, the knowing of your love for her, can never leave her! If she sees you dating, will that not throw in some more doubt and fear and convince her that it is over? She is scared that you haven't truly changed, and I know that if I was in that situation, and was observing a change in you, then saw you dating, it would really mess things up. If the Lord makes it clear to you that your M is over, then go ahead, date, but if He hasn't, I would certainly wait until He does.
I also want to encourage you that if your x has the knowledge of your love for her, then it will always be there. Even if she stuffs it way down, eventually it will surface again. As in my WH situation, I wonder what must have gone through his mind when he saw me still wearing my wedding ring after such a long time of our being apart? It has to play on his heart. He may be trying to justify everything right now, but it will come to the surface one day!
Also remember that you & your W were joined by God, you became one, no piece of paper can change that, as I heard in a song, "as long as one heart still holds on, hope is never really gone...."
Our job in our stand, is to stand through all of the trials. Our stand will be rewarded!
God Bless you, Love in Christ, SW

Stillwaiting....I like your question or questions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I will never consider dating until my wife gets married. Even then I will have to pray as to where God wants me to go. When I mentioned it to my daughter it was after my wife told me she was getting married so I really was in a different mind set.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If she sees you dating, will that not throw in some more doubt and fear and convince her that it is over? She is scared that you haven't truly changed, and I know that if I was in that situation, and was observing a change in you, then saw you dating, it would really mess things up. If the Lord makes it clear to you that your M is over, then go ahead, date, but if He hasn't, I would certainly wait until He does.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it would. I don't want to start dating until I have a clear sign from God that he isn't going to restore my marriage. For sure not while I have these strong feelings for my wife and probably for a long time after. I do have a strong emptiness to be held and to hold someone. To touch someone and tell them I love them. THAT SOMEONE IS MY WIFE. Like I have said before, my love is so strong for her I can't even imagine being without her. I do want her to always know, and think of, the deep love I have for her. I told her I would go to any length to repair our marriage. Hopefully it is embedded in her brain so she will always know how I feel.

There is still one wanting our marriage and family back so maybe God will reward us with marriage again one day.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

I truly believe that God will bring you together again one day! Keep the faith, and I know it will happen. God Bless, SW

You don't know how hard I pray for that to be true. I had a dream last nite that my wife and I were snuggled in bed like we use to do and I was patting her and telling her how much I loved her. It was so real that when I woke up I actually thought she was here for a second.

Love in Christ
cajunky

Some of the signs I have had from the Lord were dreams, they are so life like, I know they are from Him. I dream alot, but the ones from the Lord are really different. I pray that was one from Him to show you what will be one day!
Hang in there, God Bless, SW