My stbx moved interstate on Sunday. On Saturday night, he was supposed to come around to say goodbye to the boys. He had seen 2 of them at sport in the morning, but one was visiting a friend. He was going to see his parents at about 6pm and said he would come by 'later'. At 7.30pm I rang his mobile to find out what time he was coming, so I could collect MS, who was going to sleep over at a friends, but come back while his dad was visiting. His phone rang out, so I left a message asking him to call me. I rang again about 15 minutes later, but the phone diverted straight to his message bank, so I surmised he'd turned the phone off. I continued to ring until 10pm, at which point I left him a message saying it was far too late for me to collect MS and bring him over (it was actually after all of the boys bedtimes anyway, and they had baseball in the morning, but that was beside the point). About 15 minutes later, he arrived, oblivious to me trying to get in contact with him, and was asking where MS was. I explained that I'd left messages, and I asked him if he'd turned his phone off at 7.30pm when it had rung out initially. He said yes he had, as he hadn't wanted to talk to me, as he was basically 'on his way over'. I pointed out that it was another 2 hours or more before he actually turned up, and that I'd tried to organize things but couldn't. I was soooo angry and upset by this stage, for the boys more than him. I LB'd, and he wouldn't apologize for anything - didn't see that he'd done anything wrong. He said goodbye to the other boys, then left about 10 minutes later. I haven't heard from him until tonight, approx 48 hrs later. He got very angry, and said that I was being selfish the other night, and I had no right to be upset about what he'd done, it was no big deal, I was over-reacting, I was being overly-critical etc etc. I am sooo upset. He has just hung up on me twice, because he says he doesn't want to discuss it at all. Therefore, the topic of conversation is over. I would like to try to set some guidelines here with how he talks to me, when he's going to call the boys etc etc, but I'm basically now at his mercy. I know I shouldn't have said anything to him, but I was just soooo furious that he just cannot see how he hurts his sons, and how much they actually need him to be true to his word, and not just rock up late at night. He is really upsetting me...sorry, I'm not usually this vocal, but I am very very upset. I really don't know how to handle this....any suggestions???

Thanks,
M.

I don't like contact with my X at all...too upsetting. We agree on next to nothing...he's in a "selfish phase" and I could rant at him forever if I got started. He enjoyed contact with me...it both eased his guilt if I was being decent about it, and also if he were in the mood to be nasty he could hurt my feelings and show off his new girlfriend, lifestyle, etc. Therefore, we find it much easier to have set times and rules. Friday after school until Sunday at 4:00 p.m. on his weekends. If he wants to differentiate he can e-mail me but only on that subject, and I oblige if at all possible. Alot of X's try to use "controlling behavior" by refusing to follow the rules, which is exactly what your X is doing. I would suggest not "discussing" the situation, which is fueling his "you're a b***h" fire, and is exactly what he wants, and setting rules. "Be here at 7:00. Am taking MS back to his friends house at 9:00." Then don't answer the door after that. This doesn't work in every instance but it sure helped me out.

Thanks... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The intelligent, rational side of me knows he is doing the 'control' thing. The 'mother/don't you dare do the wrong thing by my/our children' side of me is the one getting upset!!

I guess this gives me the opportunity to really do PlanB...or just give up totally and divorce him, which I kinda think may well happen anyway. I am getting so sick of being the responsible one, I have to admit.

Trying to pin him down to times/dates for visits etc is difficult. When he gives me his contact details, ie email address so I don't have to talk to him, I shall hopefully be able to set some boundaries etc.

Again, many thanks TNM.

M.