<small>[ March 11, 2003, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: T. T. H. O. ]</small>

Hello - ttho - well I would tell your children when you feel it is the right time - I mean they are old enough to handle it - I mean don't you think they know something is not right even now??? I mean my kids are 9 and 12 and they knew - They also might get mad you chose not to tell them right away?? Good Luck...

<small>[ March 11, 2003, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: T. T. H. O. ]</small>

I've heard that most people tel their kids in Jan. for the very reason that you just professed - not wanting to ruin the holidays.

The rule of thumb is to not tell them at a time when they will associate the negative feelings of your news with the event - like if you tell them on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas then every year at that holiday those negatives feelings may resurface and then those holidays are ruined for them every year instead of just that first one.

I'd either tell them now - they are old enough - or wait until the middle or end of January, so that they don't associate the holidays with their saddness.

And even adult children can have negative reactions, some I've heard of are eating disorders, suidcidal thoughts, increased alcohol or drug use - just be prepared.

K

Hi TTHO,
I would wait until January to give them the whole picture for the very reasons that GIIC said, so they won't always associate the holidays with this. However, you could begin laying ground work by saying something like, "Your father and I are having some problems" or "We're going through a rough spot in our marriage right now", something general along those lines if there is an occasion to do so. That will help soften the blow when you DO tell them.

My personal experience was that even though our oldest daughter was living at home, and had noticed H was sleeping in other room for 3 weeks prior, she never in her wildest dreams thought he'd leave me, much less there was an affair going on. No one is ever truly prepared for it! But at least your kids are older, and hopefully can see the immaturity in your H for what it is.

Have you told any of your other family members? Parents, siblings, etc..?? I would also lay some groundwork there too, as the opportunity arises. My H and I agreed to that we would tell everyone together, and we both kept that promise. You might want to consider that. Agree to what needs to be said beforehand, and you can make sure he covers all the bases (it's due to him, isn't it?) when HE does the talking.

<small>[ March 11, 2003, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: T. T. H. O. ]</small>

I would probably advise to hold out until after the holidays if possible...now, I would not be able to. Definitely don't do it on a birthday. Now, as far as what to tell them...I told my son his father wasn't happy and was leaving me, and that I was sad about it but couldn't stop him. It's up to the leave-er to explain why.

You know, you are going to need these people during the holidays. I don't know what I'd have done without my family last X-mas. I think I would probably go ahead and tell them...after the birthday.

TTHO
I hate pretending too, but this may be one of those times when you need to, for the "greater good" --the family/holidays. (Remember, I pretended for 3 months through daughter's wedding. But when we DID tell her, she was glad she didn't know and we knew we had done right by waiting to tell her after their honeymoon.)

As for WHAT to tell them when you do, your H is taking a passive role, which may make you into the "bad guy" by having the responsibility of telling everyone. Don't take that on! As you said, this is HIS decision, not what you want (right?) and he needs to be as involved as you are in the informative stage. You both need to sit down, decide and (hopefully) agree on which facts to tell, and go from there. This is also important so that what is said isn't "slanted" against you. If he doesn't want to tell them, it leaves things open for you to put your own spin on the facts, and if that's what he wants, he might just get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> His behavior will tell on him in the end. It doesn't matter if he's with the OW or not, that did play a part in your breakup (as did other factors, I'm sure), and should be told.

<small>[ March 11, 2003, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: T. T. H. O. ]</small>