Have been on the recovery forum for 2 years. Now is time to move to divorcing forum as I just dropped off paperwork at lawyers to procede with divorce.

Do a search if you want to know whole story. I am devastaed. H has chosen alcohol, drugs and another woman over our family, me and our religious convictions. The addictions are so strong that I dont think he will ever recover without a miracle from God. I have been praying, but God has not answered in that direction.

H has totally turned back on God...said " God's plan and my plan are not the same thing." Doesnt plan on reading Bible " I didnt do it before affair, why would I do it now???" and I said "someday you will answer to God about how you treated me and this family"

He said "Im not worried about it"

I still love him but have to disentangle myself emotionally and financially from him. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. NO ONE in my family has ever gotten a divorce. My cousin said tonite... "After God, the next person my H will have to face will be my father and grandfather" (father was a minister and GF was a church planter, both strong men of God.)

Anyhow...H is in such rebellion, authority has no meaning for him. I am afraid he will quit his job to get out of finacially supporting me and our 4 children. After all... He wants a camaro and a 29 year old girlfriend (H is 46 years old)

Any support or prayer for me????

Hi Sunrise,
I'm sorry you had to take that step, but only you know what's right for your situation.

My husband was a leader in our church, I am a full-time staff member of same church, and his turn around from the Godly man I married to someone I don't even know happened very quickly. That is how I'm able to cope, because he is NOT the same guy. He's been ensnared by the Enemy and is blinded to the truth. He is the one who moved, not God. I just hadn't realized how far away he had gotten.

Like you, no one in our family has ever had a divorce. Our parents were hysterical when he told them he wanted to separate, but both sides totally support me. I hope you have that same support!

Praying for ya!

Hi Sunrise,

I forget if it was ezekiel or Jesus who told the story of how it is our responsibility to discuss a problem with a person and try to reason with them. If they refuse to listen then to take it to the church elders and have the community talk to him. (an intervention more or less) Then if that person still continued to do wrong then it was ok to turn your back on them and treat them as if they were a tax collector or a gentile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Why don't you try Alanon? The program is designed to help a person disengage, and to find themselves again and get some balance back into their life. The people are kind and supportive.

sunrise1,

H has chosen alcohol, drugs and another woman over our family, me and our religious convictions. The addictions are so strong that I dont think he will ever recover without a miracle from God. I have been praying, but God has not answered in that direction.

I could have written your post - drugs, alcohol, OW, turning his back on God (We have 3 kids, not 4)

You are so right that WH won't get sober & clean up his life and stay that way with out a miracle from God. It is a disease that affects not only the mind and the body, but it is a spiritual illness as well. Alcoholics have a daily reprieve based upon their spiritual condition.

I still love him but have to disentangle myself emotionally and financially from him. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. NO ONE in my family has ever gotten a divorce.

Ditto

My saving grace right now is alanon (and these boards) It took me 16-17 years to finally get it - that alanon was for me (ME) I 'd been in and out (mostly out) for years. Finally Bramblerose led me to alanon for real. It wansn't that she suggested it, although she did, I wanted what she had. Respect, confidence, and an attitude that she would be ok not matter what.

I'm at work right now so this is all I can post for now.

God Bless,

D.

avondale, Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I dont have a lot of support. Both of my parents are dead and my bro whom I am real close with actually lives 2000 miles away. I love my sis-I-L like a sister

On my H's side, the whole bunch are dysfunctional except for his brother. He supports me, his wife and I kinda had a falling out. I looked to her for support, but she gave me badgering insted, I didnt need any more stress even though I know she meant well. I hope I can repair things with her. They also live 2000 miles away.

I do have one aunt close by and several cousins, but things havent been close there as alcoholics/addicts isolate you from your family, dont let anyone in who will see the real picture. I am trying to repair those distant relationships that have fallen by the way for 25 years now. H was always jealous too as he never had that kind of close family that I had

Harlequin, I have been going to al-anon and it is helping a little. I have been able to see how sick H's addictions have made the rest of our family. The kids and I have been much closer and we are trying to heal, H keeps popping in though and upsetting everything. He thinks its just between me and him, he loves kids but he is in such denial about everything and the kids are seeing the total picture, how addictions have affected our family, the lying, cheating, stealing and general lack of morals the kids cant stomach anymore. Youngest boy is 15 so they are not babies who can be decieved anymore.

We went to minister end of aug and H said he was committed to us again but that was a lie as the alcohol took center stage again (DUI Oct 01) and in fact bought alcohol on his lunch break (on credit card 9-26) at work and I suspect that it was wine to drink with OW at "their" lake hot spot 9-28 had him and me checking out B&B at resort town to spend our 27th anniversary in Dec and 5 days later he packed up and left.

Will get through this, thanks for the reply. tell me more of your story, we seem to have alot in common, right now I am having such a hard time believing that I will get through this, really bad day at work today. broke down in tears again. H has threatened twice in the past week that he doesnt have to pay thousands of dollars for house he doesnt live in, I havent told him I have seen lawyer and hopefully it wont take too long to get this ball rolling, I need to close the chapter on these painful 26 years. His addictions have caused problems from day one, I wouldsnt have these 4 beautiful children though.

Where are you from?

sunrise1,

I live in Florida, but grew up outside of Phila, PA. I plan on spending Christmas with my Mom & family. What part of NJ are you in?

His addictions have caused problems from day one, I wouldsnt have these 4 beautiful children though.

For years I kicked myself for marrying the man, cuz he's had addiction problems too for as long as I've known him. (Didn't know what it was in the beginning) Then I saw the movie - Peggy Sue got Married. She married her HS sweetheart, he cheated on her, blah, blah,blah, then she realized that she wouldn't have her wonderful kids. I could sooo relate to that.

MY WH holds it together for a while, even gets religious then looses it. This is the 3rd time in our M that he has had a "meltdown" (drugs & alcohol abuse) At this point,he hasn't lived at home for over 3 1/2 years. Left to take care of sick dad, then Mom, then started a business up there..... This spring I was starting to think we were headed to recovery but that never happened. We were M 22 years on Nov 1 & have know each other for 27 years.

My dday(1) was Oct 2001 when his Mom died. I prayed to God to reveal what was going on & he did. OW1 was HS friend, OW2 is cocaine queen. I was destroyed. Could hardly function for months. Just went thru the motions. There were more ddays. Recently I found out about the cocaine & that's a kicker for me.

Kids know there is a problem with Dad, but I didn't tell them much as I had been in plan A & if we reconciled, I didn't want too many bad feelings. My next step is to separate myself from him financially preferably thru legal separation.

I just realized that I don't have a concise thread that tells my story. (I just may have to do that - for my own sake as well)

Be good to yourself, it is a tough thing to go thru. Reach out to alanons - many have gone thru the same thing. I find it very comforting. It is helping me in all my relationships.

How old are your kids?

God Bless,

D.

WGTT,
I live about 15 min from walt whitman bridge, Id like to meet you maybe, seems like we have so much in common.

I dont know if you researched my story. I am 46, H is 46. Married 12-76 by my minister father. H grew up catholic but left C church when he met me, says he realised how alot of their doctrines do not fit in with Biblical truth.

We partied alot, but I was in rebellion, young, breaking away from parents etc butI grew out of it, H never did.

Wasnt till farther along that I found out the kind of dysfunctional life he had growing up, massive drinking and drugs had gone on long before I met him and his parents turned their heads, or got him out of ant troubles, vandalism, shoplifting, etc. His mother allowed him to be drunk when he was only 5 years old, and that was only minor compared to the dysfunctional stuff going on in his home.

H was arrested shortly after we were married for mega drug possesion, He stole these drugs from a drug store he was supposed to be cleaning. Officer died from cancer, so charges were dropped bc of no witness.

He stole rifle from place where we spent our honeymoon

brought home VD from prostitute shortly after we were married.

and then all the drugs and alcohol for 26 years with periods of abstinence sprinkled in, always handing me the hope on the silver platter.

Oxycontin use was so bad 4 years ago...Was getting more than you give a dying person FROM SEVERAL DOCTORS!!!! and that led to affair. He was nodding off and impotent from the drug use, had no interest in sex, so of course it was my fault. Every nite I cried myself to sleep on couch, read or do crossword puzzles to block out how lonely I felt. During his daytime lucid times (saved his drug use for off work time) He thought, This isnt right, my wife wont have anything to do with me, Ill find someone else.

So 10-5-00 I discovered his affair, 1-01 he went into detox, but never rehab. Got off drugs, but never learned how to live without them.

It wasnt long before he was back on them again and when he wasnt, he was drinking heavily again. For 2 years he told me affair was over, but I never felt like it was

Thats because it wasnt. and here we are now. H just left me a note on bed and left. I came home from work found note and was alone all weekend with it, all kids were away.

I have 3 boys and 1 girl. m-22, m-20 f-18 and youngest son is 15

Hi Dawn,

Last night I did read some of your posts and related to so many of them.

My Mom lives about 30 mins from the Walt Whitman bridge on the PA side. That would be great to get together when I'm up there for Christmas. There are others on this board who are trying to get something going - maybe even just for lunch.

I cna't post more right now, got to take YS to school.

God Bless,

D.

Some people think I am acting too soon. H will be able to remarry, things coul not work out with her.

Children still want me to go through with it, they think this will be his "rock" bottom

I am so confused

sunrise1,

I understand the confusion !!!!!
EVERY recovering drug addict and alcoholic that I have talked to told me that I had to let him go to hit his bottom. They said they would not be in recovery now if they hadn't been let go of. Also, many alanon have told me the same thing.

Very powerful stuff, yet hard to implement. It's hard to let go of the love of your life, the father of your kids. One alanon said she was told "Do you love him enough to let him go?"

Now, after having said all that, understanding it and seeing it in practice, I too am having a hard time letting go. Even Steve Harley (who owned 10 treatment centers) said that I should separate myself from him. It has taken me a while to get to that point. 2 weeks ago, I confronted WH with drugs & alcohol & he denied it. It is so hard for me to tell him adios. Yet, I know in my heart it is the right thing to do.

There is a facility near me at the beach that does things a little different than most rehabs. It's a longer program, but the sobriety comming out of ther is wonderful. You can see God working thru them and they have a sparkle in their eyes. I see them at meetings Fri nights.

Your WH probably only went to detox cuz that is all insurance will pay for. It used to be 28 days but not so much any more. If you want the phone number just let me know.

God Bless,

D.

Thanks for your support.

It seems we are both in same boat. I waited far too long, but its still so painful, but then I wouldnt have my 4 wonderful kids.

That said....D was arrested for shoplifting, how horrible. This is something that she would have never done if H wasnt such a screw up. She needed jewelery for a big dance she has been counting on for a long time. She had the money woth her, but she said she is afraid we will need any money we have in case H stops paying for our home. She is just as devastated as I am. If H wasnt so morally decrepit this would have never happened.

Of course, I had to call H and let him know this was his fault and I dont know why I bothered as his current state his sense of morality is all skewed.

No answer, He's on his minihoneymoon with OW, they are both teachers and at teachers convention. 2000 they were planning on spending these couple of days together and I learned of affair so those plans got scrapped, Last year he spent nite there, trying to convince me that he was spending nite with 2 other male teachers that he works with. But I know in my heart that he spent nite with her. Her parents got her a room there (Atlantic city) they are gamblers and had a comped room, so they got her room and then parents went home, so here is miss lonely all alone in nice casino room, and Im supposed to think that as soon as her parents left, my H didnt show up???

So this year with no one to answer too, he thinks I dont know that she is with him

And now, my daughter is going to have to talk to H and hear some kind of bogus moral lecture from the king of deception. I should have just kept my mouth shut and handled it myself.

Insurance would have paid for re-hab. He would have to take his playtime..I mean sick time to cover it, AND, more important he would have to tell the truth at work as to his whereabouts

As it was, the 5 days he took he claimed he had back surgery!!! Now who that is not on drugs would believe that, 5 days and back to work without missing a beat.

And now, my daughter is going to have to talk to H and hear some kind of bogus moral lecture from the king of deception. I should have just kept my mouth shut and handled it myself.

My kids have gotten those too. WH searched OS's room & found pot, got all upset, blah blah & later told me that he & his friend smoked it! Great fatherly example.

I have started handling things myself. WH is too off the wall plus the kids don't respect him. Every now & then I'll think, I 've got to tell WH, then tell myslef, WHY ???? He's not here, he hardly calls....

Today, I went to a wonderfull alanon meeting. It's like being surrounded with warm fuzzy teddy bears. My home group has a lot of long term alanons and there are brand new ones and everywhere in between. The topic was attitude. Attitude is everything. I felt greatful to be there.

God Bless,

D.

Sunrise 1, I can truely share the pain you're feeling. I'm new here too, scared and lonely and hurting. I have wonderful daughters who love and support me, and I do really believe that God holds the future, but I love and miss my WH and I just can't make sense of it all. His is a sexual addiction, but an addiction is an addiction whether sex or alcohol and extremely painful to watch helplessly. He makes everything seem like its me. Know that I understand and will keep you in my prayers.

Broken, thanks for the support. I will pray for you. OW is also sexual addiction. H has so many addictions he ought to winn the guinesss record.

Yesterday was tough and triggers screaming fest at H this morning.

daughter worked extra hours all week so she could take sat off to take trip with me. First we drove 2 hours west, to see oldest son run college cross country championship, then we drove 2 hours north to see youngest son in marchingband championships then 3 hours home , got home at midnite. then had to get up at 3:30 to pick son up as band competition wasnt over until midnite.

H told me he was going to CC, but wasnt planning on going to band but when he found out we were going, he decided to come too. Had the nerve to sit with us and ruin my evening.

H paid to get in but D and I were looking for the mac machine which didnt work so I had to go back to car to get check. H then told me I should just walk in as they werent paying attention at the gate. I got so angry, I said "and thats why were not together anymore because of your low moral standards" He seemed to think that was funny, but thats how evening started and I was uncomfortable rest of nite and what I should have and could have enjoyed he pratically ruined.

This morning I went down to do laundry and found someone had thrown boxes I was sorting out into my work area (i am floral designer/artist). Because of the disease of alcoholism affecting our famly, the area needs a lot of work. Since H moved out I have been making great progress in getting my whole life in order. When I saw the boxes just thrown and spilled out and then they knocked over other things that I had sorted out I went ballistic and called H. H claims he didnt do it, but he was here on friday, and that is his handiwork. All kids deny doing it and I know they wouldnt have but now I have to start from scratch

I am so frustrated and now depression is starting in again. Please pray for me