I have a question about closure. My H never made any real attempt after D-day or during his on-going A to reconcile or work on our M. How do you get closure after the D when there are SO MANY unanswered questions? My H hasn't talked to me about his A at all and hardly anything about US. I feel a need to close this chapter for now but it is hard with so much missing. How have some of you handled it? Help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Football Widow - I don't know how to get closure either - though I will say that there are good and bad days - my husband told me about his affair - but some many revelations after the fact and the continuing lying is the problem - The simple truth is that I don't know what happened and with whom - and that is half of the battle trying to figure it out - but I am trying with everyones help - to just say ok it doesn't matter - he is gone I just need to move on - the hardest thing I have ever done in my life - and I will admit somedays I am not doing it very well - but I do know that in the interest of my children this is the best - the man I just got divorced from is not anywhere near the man that I married or better yet want to be married to - Yes I love him with all of my heart, yes I miss him - and yes it kills me to think of him with someone else - but right now I can honestly say that I wouldn't take him back tomorrow - even if he wanted to come back - he has never done anything to try and rebuild our marriage either - and that hurts deeply after 15 years of marriage - I wish you luck - I know it is so easy for everyone to say ok forget him you are divorced but I can relate it is not that easy - and you must take each day at a times - there are good and bad days.. Hopefully someday the good will outweigh the bad... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Maw,

I hear everything you are saying. It is hard. I guess it just takes time. I just hate that we never faced any of this head on and tried to work it out. I will ALWAYS wonder WHAT IF?

Thanks.

Sharon

fw,

I am not DV yet, nor has it been filed, but for me, instituting the marriage builders concepts has helped.

I also attend alanon, because of WH's problem with alcohol & drugs & find that invaluable. It has been a safe place to share what is going on and hear how others have gone thru this. Plus I get lots of hugs!

You may never know all the answers to the questions that you have. Pray to God to reveal what you need to know and ask for the strength to handle what is revealed.

You can move on with your life without the answers. We can not control another person, nor make them love us. I know it doesn't seem fair, nor what we want, but we have to be ok with ourselves no matter what goes on outside of us.

The book (actually more so the tape of the broadcast) of Love must be tough helped me. It reinforced to me that I must respect myself first. The question came to me "do i love him enough to let go?"

Melody Beatie also has some good books including " The Language of Letting go" which is a daily devotional.

God Bless,

D.

Hi footballwidow.
This question was asked a few months ago by "Fingers1258", and I believe the title of the thread was called, "Closure".
The responses were all about the same if I recall it correctly.
For me, I never truly have had closure on my "M", not in the sense that I would of preferred.
Like so many of us on these boards... there was and still is many unanswered questions surrounding the demise of our "M".
I think "GnomeDePlume" answered it best and I am going to paraphrase, "Closure... what's that"?
When my "D" was final, I think I reached as far as I could to try to put closure on my "M" on that day.
Don't get me wrong though... there isn't a day that has gone by that I still don't think about my "M". I personally can't wait when the day comes that I don't wake up and start thinking about what was.
Some days are better than others... hopefully in time it will be less and less of a concern.
That's just my experience with it thus far, I'm sure other people here have different experiences... hopefully for the better.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

I hate to say but this is my second failed marriage. I thought I learned from the first one but my failures that I thought I worked on and resolved became stumbling blocks for my second husband. I was so confused and hurt this time, not angry at all, and it has taken me until very recently to finally really let go, about five years.

I wanted to speak of letting go. I was married the first time for 13 years. To put it briefly he was a difficult man, and I left him for his emotional abuse, but I still loved him and missed him. It was a very difficult, anger-filled breakup, and he divorced me so he could marry someone else, so it was not an easy time for me. It did take me about 2 years to stop thinking about him every day, altough I must admit my thoughts weren't always fond thoughts! He has remained a difficult man, and when my two kids with him became adults I stopped talking to him to save my peace of mind.

This second time has been so different and I've had a hard time letting go. I've only been able to do it by dependance on God, reading this BB and thru counseling...not specifially for my issues with him but my growth during counseling enabled me to finally let go.

We were married only five years, I discovered his A, he admitted to secret multiple A's and I asked him to leave as he wasn't stopping the present one. I did a very short Plan A, then he left and I kept trying plan A, then I realized he was taking advantage of me so I did a plan B and now he is the ADH (amazing disappearing husband). All this said to say this, letting go is difficult!!! But if you have done all you can, and you are sure that God isn't requiring you to stay, you are allowed to let go. The bible provides a reason to let go, adultry, and it is OK to let go if God has given his direction.

So I've let go of my marriage, but strangely I haven't let go of my ADH. God instructed me and verified through another person that I am the one "thread" that keeps my ADH in touch with God, and I should not give up on praying for him because he has no one else doing it. This doesn't produce guilt or stress for me, just compassion. I don't want to be with him, the kind of man he is. So I pray not for our marriage, not for his relationship with my son, but for his salvation. Because that is more important than anything else, and my ADH is now in a cult and is into some scary practices.

Thanks everyone,

I appreciate all the responses. I am trying hard to get through this with my self-esteem and sanity intact. MB priciples did help me, you do know at the end that you have done all that you could. That eases the pain and guilt a little.

Thanks again, I will check that other post also. I have not been to this board. I have been trying to avoid it. No offense. I just never wanted to be here.

Sharon

No offense taken... I believe we all know how you are feeling.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Thanks again everyone. Guess it feels good to know I haven't missed the closure boat. Sound like this is just a natural consequence of these awful circumstances. I will strive for closure on my OWN terms. Try to define ME without the WE that existed for so long.

footballwidow: I posed this same question a few months ago. I, too, was in your shoes. My XH just up and left with the OW and we never spoke again. I was left with so many unanswered questions. We still have not spoken, ten months later.

For me, closure began the day the FJ was signed. Every day since, a small door has closed. I believe, at least for me, that closure takes place over a period of time. Things are just less and less painful and I believe my feelings for my XH and the situation he put me through will just eventually die. That is what is happening to me now. I never thought I would say this many, many months ago, but I am a much stronger and better person for having gone through the hurt and pain. I wish the best for you.

Football Widow - well I just wanted to let you know that again I am not sure when you get closure but I am thinking that the further away you get the better - Last night for the first time - I was divorced on 9-18-02 - my husband came and got my children - I wasn't there when he got there - on purpose then he brought them home about 1 1/2 hrs. later he came in like he usually does - though I have asked him on several occasions not to - anyways - I didn't really talk to him - just the kids then he said he was leaving and I said bye - and for the first time I didn't care - really I didn't I don't even have the urge to talk to him - everytime I talk to him I end up feeling bad - I know what you mean about the me versus the we - I believe that in my case that I was so wrapped up in the wife and mother thing that I forgot that I existed - as I believe that most woman do - I wish you luck but I just wanted to let you know that there really are good days - and then again there can be bad days - but I know I deserve to be happy and I cannot change his mind - but in my opinion he is the one loosing out and some day he is gonna realize that... Good Luck

I just hate that we never faced any of this head on and tried to work it out. I will ALWAYS wonder WHAT IF?

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I too have been struggling with letting WS go...I filed back before I knew about MB.Thinking it would wake him up from the Affairs,hasn't worked yet.
He thinks the actions I had to take were awful..he's mad at me for child support and we only get 100 a week,he's mad that he's over his head in bills after I left our place...But He told me to get out.Brought Ow over to get me to finally leave.Told me he would have sex right in front of me if I didn't get out of there.
He's mad because he has supervised visitation,because of his abusive past..and drug use.He's mad and uncomfortable because I helped pay bills now I'm not there to help.
I know he doesn't Love me,he fell out of love awile ago.
I was just hoping he would get help,but he feels he's fine that you can just use people(OW),,,he flat out said he doesn't like anyone he's using them.I'm still in Plan A...I'll be switching to B soon.Our divorce should be final in Feb/march.
He feels the world revolves around him...there fore he's to good to get help.
I miss the man I once knew,I miss cuddling and the Holidays are coming it's soooo sad.It's just me and our little man!!
His terms for even being friends are me paying my half of the lease(house)even though I don't live there He kicked us out,and for me to let him see our son every other weekend.
He went to jail for choking me I don't want my son alone with him.
But I love him not what he's done....I just miss him sooo.
How do you live without your soulmate!?

~~~~****Bump***~~~

Fingers: Wow, I am so sorry. This must be so hard for you. I am glad you can see a better you. I too feel like I am stronger. I believe I will feel better when the D is final. I have tried not to face it for so long but when it is over it will be a relief. I know what you mean about the small doors closing. It seems that way to me too. Everyday it seems alittle easier after the initial really horrible stage. Hope things are going better for you everyday.

Maw: Thanks for your good thoughts and wishes. It is good that you are starting to feel some power in the interaction with your spouse. For so long I felt my H was in complete control of my life. Even though he was 1000 miles away. I do believe I also lost part of myself which may have been part of the reason my H left. ????? But I know I will be okay, I'm not too sure about him. You can't tell me that SOMEDAY these WS's don't wake up and see. They may not ever admit it but I believe it happens. I will be glad to not have to be in that realization. How painful. I think that is why we are ahead even without total closure. We are facing our problems and trying to conquer. They are dodging and weaving and justifying. Not the breeding ground for personal growth. Good luck and wishes to you also. Thanks.

Betrayed: I am so sorry for your pain. I know how hard it is to understand. It sounds like your H is very messed up. It is sad. I know I wanted to protect my H from what he was doing to himself. But we can't. In a situation like yours you have to protect you and your children. Orchid and Lor warned me about being the safety net for my H. That protecting him and trying to fix everything would not leave me enough emotional energy to do the important healing and give support to my kids. Your H, like mine has made certain choices and they will need to face the consequences, how they do that is up to them. We need to be strong. Take care and be happy.

Thanks everyone.

Sharon

My X just came home one day & said he was leaving for MOW, told me in front of our son. said it wasnt A just oral sex, something to tell a 12 yr old. Dont wait for the truth. Mine kept telling me one story after another to make his A seem right. Pray & keep busy. It has helped to move 350 miles away. living in a small town was a nightmare. Rumors all over about them getting caught down dirt road at noontime, oral sex out in parking lot where she worked. It hurt not only me but our son. X has gone on with his new life with OW. When I saw that I knew I had to take care of my son & get my life together. There was a time when I was hoping X would get his life together & come home. It now seems like years ago I thought that way. Its hard trying to remember what our life was like before MOW. ITs not easy but each day it gets better. I dont think about X or OW anymore. I only think about my son & making his life a little better. You will find peace.

m-17yrs, 9 mts, 12days
x-43, me-48
c-13, 29, 8 grd
d-5-23-02

ow-31
c-3 under 10
d-7-02
m-10yrs

MyFam,

It is a shock to have this happen. I am glad you and your family are getting over this. I still have hopes for my M but they are fading. My H seems to have no thought of returning, OW or not. So I guess in his mind it's over. I guess we just have to change our focus as you have towards our new lifes. Thanks for your reply and best wishes.

Thanks