[Shamelessly plagiarized from another posting]

A burned out pot head is sitting at home one day when his house catches on fire....
He calls the fire department and says.... Help - my house is on fire..

Fireman: Sir, calm down, can you tell me how to get there?

Pothead: Well, the big red truck...duh.....

...if you're gonna play in Texas, ya gotta have a fiddle in the band...
DJTB (Harold)

WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS VERSION
Dear Consumers:
> It has come to our attention that a few copies of
the
WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS EDITION may have accidentally
been shipped outside of the state of Texas.

If you have one of these, you may need some help
understanding
the commands. The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by
the
unique opening screen. It reads:

WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie
Nelson
superimposed on the Alamo.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXAS EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes..................yep
No...................nope
Find.................hunt fer it
Go to...............over yonder
Back................back yonder
Help.................hep me out here
Stop..................kwitit
Start.................crank'er up
Settings............settins
Programs..........stuff at duz stuff
Documents.......stuff Ya'll done did

Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize
capital
letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing
program
Colerin' Book.............a graphics program
Cyferin' mersheen.....calculator
Outhouse paper.........notepad
Inner-net....................Microsoft Explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of the TEXAS EDITION. You may return
it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all ya'll!

Billy Bob Gates

OOOPS

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: idostylin ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by idostylin:
<strong>FUNERAL EXPENSES...

A woman's husband dies. He has $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and
cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke??

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost $6,000.
And of course, I made the obligatory donation to the
church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Don't Step On The Ducks...
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step
on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.? It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the
same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eye-lashes,muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.? The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Hehehehehe I loved 'em! Don't step on the ducks! What a good one. I liked the Memorial Stone also. Now that's class.
***Just a note here - I used to be DJ T-Bird but I got tired of that one - so now Sauron is the new Screen Name I go under. Butt (There's that big butt again hehehee) I'm still The Pied Piper in The Kingdom Of Caerlon!! Don't think I crapped out on ya - I'm still the DJ...
Harold T
PS - Here's a Holiday Recipe I'm seriously thinking about trying out... Anyone wanna join in? Heheheeeee

Christmas FruitCake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

~~Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital Swimming Pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped into the pool to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.......
When the director went to tell Mary the good news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is....... Jim......
Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead.
Mary said, "NO he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".

NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
Some of these are absolutely hysterical.
---------------------------------
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with
the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J .trials were a prime

example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the [censored] out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to
solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404
Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no
matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've
just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
*I have another one that describes me: DINKS - that's Dual Income No KidZ*

Heheheheheheheheeheeee, Harold

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Jingle Bells, Santa smells
Rudolph ran away -
O what fun it is to ride in a beat-up Chevrolet!
Heheheeeee

Harold

I'm in another of those silly moods today, hehehee. Harold T <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly, so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private, using one's OWN > truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a > social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING...(OUTSIDE THE FAMILY):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially > on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m., others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks AND shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front on the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ......One button at a time.


......No one moves.



.......He removes his shirt.



.....Muscles ripple across his chest



.....He whispers:




......."Here, iron this."

LMAO!

I REEELY liked it.

Lemme think of one for a man now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi IdoStylin - I loved the plane joke. I'll remember it when I board the 'iron bird' next month on my way to visit my folks...
Hope this next one doesn't offend anyone - it's humour I liked!

MARRIAGE (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night......whether you're here or not."

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,"Here Lies
My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

MARRIAGE (PART III)
A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late.....doing what?" he asked. "Getting a second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six'?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"

MARRIAGE (PART V)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said "It's 5:00am, wake up."

hey sauron,
i loved that joke too... i posted it before but i think i offended some ppl... i guess everybody isn't ready to laugh at thier pain...

i need a joke today. hope you have a good one...

kim...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by idostylin:
<strong>hey sauron,
i loved that joke too... i posted it before but i think i offended some ppl... i guess everybody isn't ready to laugh at thier pain...

i need a joke today. hope you have a good one...

kim...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Kim! Sorry if I also offended anyone - I try to take everything as I can and sometimes I do offend folks, tho not intentionally. I hope the rest of today goes better for you, and here's one I dedicate to you.
God bless you, Kim.
Harold (DJTB)

Subject: new pharmocopea
>
>
> > S t . M o m ' s W o r t
> > Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
> > rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six
> > hours.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
> > Highly effective suppository that eliminates
> > melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they
> > were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
> > they moved out.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > P e p t o b i m b o
> > Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
> > swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
> > decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > D u m e r o l
> > When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
> > I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > F l i p i t o r
> > Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
> > road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > A n t i b o y o t i c s
> > When administered to teenage girls, is highly
> > effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines,
> > and reducing money spent on make-up.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > M e n i c i l l i n
> > Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
> > resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a
> > better person ... can we get naked now?"
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > B u y a g r a
> > Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
> > Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y-O n e-a l l
> > When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
> > indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may
> > even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by
> > Dr. Laura
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > J a c k A s s p i r i n
> > Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
> > remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
> > A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
> > anyone too eager to share their life stories with
> > total strangers.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > R a g a m e t
> > When administered to a husband, provides the same
> > irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
> > wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
> > _______________ <> _______________
> > N O T I C E: Never consult your family physician
> > before taking these new medications. They "just won't
> > get it."

hey harold,

i liked that one... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

keep em comin... i need to laugh as much as possible. can u do me a favor? can you please read my holiday thread. i posted an e-mail there from my ex and i need a man's opinion...

i'm pretty sad today... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by idostylin:
<strong>hey harold,

i liked that one... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

keep em comin... i need to laugh as much as possible. can u do me a favor? can you please read my holiday thread. i posted an e-mail there from my ex and i need a man's opinion...

i'm pretty sad today... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Kim. I went there and posted a few thoughts. Please don't take this as sounding bitter, etc. I'm not, but perhaps it takes a few shocking words to maybe wake him up. I hope this helps. Some of the other advice on your Thread was pretty right-on too. May God bless you. Thanks for the kudoZ on my jokes too!
Harold (DJTB)

You have given me some valuable light moments this last month when I needed a few laughs. Thanks. Now here is one for you guys.

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped
the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?"answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone,
I am lost and I need directions."

He must have been totally fogged in.