Hello Everyone,
I'm just feeling really sad today had to tell someone.

I filed for divorce on 10/18/02 and every day I see another piece of me dieing. I don't want to sound like a "poor me" but as the divorce proceeds I keep seeing different parts of my life being stripped away. The person who I thought loved me will be out of my life, I will have my boys for only half the time, financially everything has the potential of getting destroyed, and my best friend (so I thought) has betrayed me (this is the person I thought loved me). Thoughts of WW with OM haunt me. I keep losing weight and my sleep patterns are sometimes crazy. I cry almost everyday.

On a positive note my STBXW has agreed for me to keep the house. I just hope I can afford it on my single income. This will be good for my boys so they can still have their original home for at least half the time.

Sorry I'm such a downer today. It's just the way I feel.

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: DAC2002 ]</small>

I am sorry you are feeling so awful...divorce does bring complete chaos to a family especially when infidelity is involved.

Vent here anytime...there are great people here to help. Take Care Pat

miserynmissouri,

I see you signature line says recently divorced. How long have you been divorced, and what is life like after a divorce?

Hi. I feel as you do. My H has been involved with OW for 18 months now & adamently denies it despite evidence to the contrary. He moved out for the 2nd time last month & this time I think he will take it all the way to Divorce. Like you, I felt he was my one and only and that my heart has been ripped out and shredded into tiny pieces. I still feel "How could he do this to me??" and he acts like its all my fault with an "oh, well, it just didnt work out" attitude. It drives me crazy when he says that. OW worked with us and has toddler. Became divorced later on in midst of this.

I guess the trick is to rely on friends and do whatever necessary to stay busy. You got to keep the house? good! Make sure you get the wife to sign some 'quit pro quo' (sp?) if she is on the mortgage, signing it over to you soley. Check out home depot & lowes etc & play at home a little. Repaint a room, do something with tools. Get a do it yourself book & put up molding etc. Redo your garage to make way for a hobby. Plan outings with your kids. I am working a 2nd part time job & will probably be taking an evening college class next semester which leaves me with just Sat evening and Sunday at home.!! Stay busy.

Where will the kids be on Thanksgiving? Make plans for what you will do on that day. Get thru one day at a time. Dont push yourself, take it at your own pace. But a word of warning - there seems to be many out there that sniff vulnerability in a person & use it to their advantage & dont care about marriages. Dont get involved with anyone in a relationship until you are well healed. It may take a long time. Focus on your kids & staying active.

Oh, if you are thinking of her & OM alot, antidepressants will help. Ive been seeing a counselor for 1 year now & taking antid's. They do not help prevent the emotional hell & crying totally, but it does some. Mostly what I have noticed is that they definately help your thought processes & being able to think more clearly & do other things. I was thinking of THEM 24/7 & was miserable. Now I am able to do other things & listen to other people talking without always having to talk about my [censored] H, his whore etc. I do talk about it alot with my close friends thought, but on the job etc I am much better by taking antidepressants.

There is nothing wrong with seeking the help of a therapist. Records ARE kept confidential. Insurance policies usually allow 3 free appointments and pay half from then on. Workplaces often offer temporary counseling sessions (3 appts) and then if they feel you could use more long term, will make referrals to you. They are trained to have insight and ask questions. Wont tell you what to do, but hopefully will ask the right questions.

You need an outlet for those emotions. The first thing usually recommended is exercise, though I never felt those magical endorphins kick in, I guess the stress was still burned off some & I lost 30 lbs!!! (gained it all back after recent surgery & physical restrictions, WAH!). Another thing is writing in a diary or journal. Heck burn it afterward if you want, but writing helps.

ANd definately coming on here and venting and asking questions. I used to be on here as "cantletgo" and though I was doing okay for a while and letting go & changed my name, I have backslided & am unable to let go or move forward. I dont know what I am afraid of. I want my H to come back, but only with honesty and truth & willingness to work on our marriage. I feel like my life is on hold so much!! I feel imaginary pressure from all round that I should be "moving on" with my life. Not necessarily with another person, but with what I want to do and who I AM. I dont know who that is anymore. I feel lost and stuck as you do.

As the old song goes - "One Day at a Time".

If you are religious, seek help from your place of worship. I lost my faith a long time ago but I keep bumping into people who say the right thing & want me to go to their church! I figure once cant hurt! Wish me luck. The people in Cajunky's Wednesday prayer group might laugh at this last part.! Hmmm. We'll see. Take Care.
CLG.

AgainstTheWind,

Lots of good advice you just gave me. I hope to put much of it into practice.

Right now we are living in the same house for the benefit of the children. We sleep on opposite ends of the house, but it still is hard. I used to be a real happy person and now all I feel is sadness. I was perscribed antis but I haven't taken them. I'm afraid of the potential side effects and long-term addicition potential. I rely heavily on God to get me through each day. I know He will never leave or forsake me. I have acouple of friends that I try to talk to also. I just have to be careful not to bring them down with my sorry. I don't want to scare them off every time they see me. I just noticed that I'm more concerned about others than myself. Is it bad to be more concerned about me at this point than others? Except for my boys. I will try to do anything within my means to protect them. I know they are the innocent losers in this D.

Dac
i am here to tell you that there is life after the divorce I have been divorced now for 7 months and things are starting to be normal for me now. I have accepted my new life and am starting to feel happy again. I also was married for 16 years and have two kids. My son lives with me daughter with X. It is harder on the kids that is why we must be strong so that they can see that life will be OK for them.
Dac I couldn't see happiness either but you know what after a while things do settle down and happiness does return. I still have my moments but they are far and few. Be strong for your kids and believe in God happiness will return for you.

Carl

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Carl ]</small>

DAC -

You have received some great advice - you definitely need a support system right now.

It will also be hard for the kids, and I'm sure by now they know what's up so you need to be there for them if you can - or find someone to be there for them if you can't.

Keeping the routine for them is always a plus.

It's hard to be in your situation. I would suggest Plan A while your wife is still living with you, but she is probably already thinking about her new life with OM. If he's still married the statistics show that the A will probably not last - 6-2 years after d-day is what MB says.

You need to protect yourself financially of course, and then do whatever you can to protect your sanity. It's hard having to be the strong one when the other spouse seems not to care.
Divorce is not easy and it is not fun. Try to take the high road, let God give you strength and just continue to take things one day at a time.

You may want to read the info. on the MB site and read Surviving an Affair by Harley if you haven't already so that you understand what exactly you are dealing with when it comes to your wife.

May God Bless You and Your Family, K

If you are under a physicans observation, getting hooked on tablets should not be a problem. I take Effexor XR. It has not made me jittery or sleepy. No side effects that I can see. But the dosage is gradually increased from week to week until you are where you need to be. The same when the time comes that I feel like I can stand alone without them - the dosage will gradually decrease. It takes about 2 weeks for them to build up in your system & for you to notice the difference. I suggest you give it a try & take the recommended amount for at least 2 weeks. Then if they do make you feel sick or something, maybe a differant kind would be suggested. There are many kinds & influence the body chemistry in diffenent ways (the serotonin levels & norepinephrine levels). The brain really is like a computer hardrive! Everthing is interrelated & influenced by the other. See what happens.

I am sorry you are hurting so much & having to see & hear your wife from the other room. I was going into H's room & smelling his pillow when he was gone!! Now the smell of him has almost gone. It is very hard to be together. Have you told W you filed? You can avoid a summons, I think & get the papers to her otherwise. What does she think will happen if she signs the papers, that she will remain in the house?? Has she thought about your sons?? or I guess shes just too much in the fog.

I wonder what the conversations have been? How did you find out about affair? Does she know that you know? Does she deny it or have an "oh well" attitude? They always say on here to avoid the crying, begging pleading thing and I think this does send the WS further away cause they can't realize their guilt in our sorrow. How did you have the strength to file?? I couldnt do it. I said to myself if this is what he wants, then HE can do it. That bygolly he was going to accept responsability for ONE thing in his life. Of course I caused alot of pain for myself in the process.

My counselor once blurted out "How long are you going to punish yourself?". I still dont have the answer. Until I step out from this Limbo I guess.
Does your wife want out? Has she given the I need space . .I dont love you anymore . .we're just not compatible . . speech? When did she move her things to the other bedroom & did she say why? Its like they cant cheat on their lovers by being with their spouses!! I HATE THAT!! And be assured she is lying to OM about your relationship too.
Any chance of her changing her mind? and do you want her to? Was counseling ever an option?
What are meal times like at home? Does she cook or sit at the table like always or is it different now? I hope you are hanging in there! Just be yourself!

God is in Control,

You asked a ton of questions! I'll do my best to answer as many as possible. I do have other threads in the "Just Found Out" section and one in this section about filing for the divorce.

Life has been a major roller coaster ride. I'm waiting for the ride to end so I can get off!

I filed for the divorce three weeks ago because I felt scripturally I had the right to do so. I came to the point that my WW isn't the women I married. She is a nice person to other people but destructive to her immediate family members (me and my boys). No matter what changes she could possibly do in her life still would not change her true inner being and the terrible things she has done. I can't look at her and see her as my pure and wholesome W. She is an adultress, selfish, immoral, and a marriage busting individual. She had sex with a married man in our house right next to our wedding and children's pictures. I can not be attached to a person like this. I had no problem filing for the divorce because it was the one right she couldn't take from me.

It was painful asking for the divorce because I never expected my M would end up like this. I'm such a giving person that my natural reaction is to save the M. I tried for about two months and then finally realized my life is too important for her. I need to give to a wonderful women who can also give, not just take.

At this point she has been served with the divorce papers, and today we are going to a divorce service to start the procedure. We are trying to remain civil throughout this. I must admit I bite my tongue often so as not to distrube my sons.

We are staying in the house to keep some stability for my sons. In California it takes six months to get a divorce. I hope she doesn't stay in the house that long but it might come down to that.

We do eat dinner together and try to do some family time stuff together, but again this all for my sons, not for her or me.

She does not deny the A and admitted to it when I asked her. I don't know if it is still a PA but I'm certain it is still an EA. There was a no contact request at first but she couldn't keep it. When I filed and served her I told her she could contact him because I don't care about her anymore, just don't put my sons in a bad situation. Her attitude of the A is it just happened, it can't be changed, so get over it. Pretty cold.

I have gone to IC at a Christian counselling place. I have also been in C with the Pastor of our church. She even had the gall to tell me that if one of us must stop attending the same church then it would have to be me. I'm waiting for the day when church disipline will come her way and that will change her attitude!

Sorry I rambled on so much. I just needed to vent.

Last night we started about dividing up the furniture in the house. WW said, "Does it have to be equal?" California is a community state so everything is 50/50. I answered, "Yes."
I don't want to be nit picky over everything, but I do want it to be fair for both of us. Doesn't this sound reasonable on my part?

I'm new to this discussion forum and finding it to be both a comfort and very enlightening...sadly so. DAC, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I'm so sorry for all of us. A comment from Against the Wind really hit home with me. She said of the WS, "It's like they can't cheat on their lovers by being with their spouse." How hurtful and true. It is so sad to lose the love and caring of the person you so treasured. I'm taking it one day, one hour, one minute, one thought at a time, just like you. Trying to get my mind around the picture, ugly as it. Hang in there!! Lots of good advice here, and I am grateful for everyone's input. My husband will be the one who misses out on "wonderful", eventually I'll have wonderful back in my life - that is my goal. Make it yours too.
Blessings and prayers - patti